Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Why Ask Why

...do birds suddenly appear?
...do fools fall in love?
...oh why can't I?
...MCA?


 
Don't ask. It's been a hell of a day.  I'll be back tomorrow.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Doctor Who is NEW: "Journey To the Centre of the TARDIS"

Don't you hate it when you lose your keys?

You park the car, take out the keys then use the keys to unlock the door of your home and then....

It's the next day. You're scurrying to get out the door and you can't find your damn keys! You couldn't have driven home and unlocked the front door so they have to be somewhere in your home. But you look everywhere, even in the kitchen freezer. (Why the freezer? Cause you never know, that's why.) Whether your home is small or large or in between, there is still only a defined space for those keys to be.

Imagine what would happen if the Doctor lost the keys inside the TARDIS?

Hi! Dave-El welcoming you to my blog, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You.  Today we take a look-see at the latest new episode of Doctor Who, "Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS"

WARNING: This is NOT an episode recap yada yada yada. Just a brief overview, some random comments etc etc etc.
 


However something like a spoiler may be said blah blah blah.


 
____________________________
 
 

SPOILERS, Sweetie!
____________________________

OK, let's get this journey started, huh?

"Don't stop, believin'! Hold on to that feeling! Street-"

(Sorry, wrong Journey.)




OK, we start IN SPACE with a really long spaceship (which needs the bumper sticker from Spaceballs, "We brake for nobody!") This is a salvage vessel with a three person crew, 1 of whom is not quite human, referred to as an "android", an android who still needs to breathe because of all the fleshy bits.  The crew spots what may be their next salvage acquisition, a blue box floating in space. So one magna beam thingy later, the blue box is in a cargo hold and not looking to good.

Inside the TARDIS, the Doctor's trying to have Clara and the TARDIS get along better by teaching Clara how to drive.
To make things easier, the Doctor brings the TARDIS' various systems down to a more basic level...which is why a magna beam was able to grab the TARDIS and do a lot of collateral damage. Damage that leaves Clara trapped inside the TARDIS.

And the Doctor outside of it with the salvage crew. The crew's figuring this box is more trouble than it's worth and are prepared to jettison the whole thing. But the Doctor needs help to get back in the TARDIS to save Clara (because a badly damaged TARDIS is not a safe place to be) and hopefully repair the TARDIS. Through a combination of bribery, blackmail, threats and deceit, the Doctor gets the men to help him.

Meanwhile, Clara is lost in the twisty turns of the TARDIS corridors, lights flashing, Cloister Bell bonging away somewhere and something sinister in the shadows stalking Clara.  Yep, good times, good times.

Over the course of the episode, the Doctor, Clara and the salvage crew find themselves in a mess as the TARDIS changes corridors and other features that keeps everything in a state of chaos and confusion while the somethings sinister (yep, plural) aren't making anything easier.

There's a lot to like about this episode.
  • The Doctor ratches up his bad ass factor to overdrive to force the salvage crew to help him.
  • The android has a bit of twist coming that plays with a trope in a way I've never seen before.
  • Elements of the interior of the TARDIS that have been referenced before show up, such as the pool and the library.
  • A key component of the TARDIS makes an appearance in spectacular fashion.
  • There's a few sections where whispers are heard, echoes of things said in the TARDIS including (if I heard correctly) some bits from the 9th and 10th Doctors among other bits.

But there are a few disappointments too:
  • Our guest stars, the salvage crew, don't resonate as well as they should. They are plot devices more than characters. And what does pass for characterization makes the guys look stupid and mean.The reveal about the android was unique but would have had more power to it if the audience cared more about these guys.(Plus after the episode is over and you think about lots "What abouts?" regards to this twist and it starts to fall apart.)
  • Whovians looking for any nostagic shout outs to the classic show while watching our gang scurry around the TARDIS corridors should not hold their breath. 
  • Speaking of those corridors, for every spectacular set piece (the library is, as Clara puts it, "just showing off"), there are scenes of running through corridors. And more corridors. Oh, look! A corridor! Should we run down it? Yes, we must.

"Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS" was written by Stephen Thompson who wrote the Series 6 episode, "The Curse of the Black Spot" which many regard as the weak spot of the series. (Nope, "Night Terrors.")  Here, Stephen seems more comfortable with this more science fictiony type of story.  Still, while a good episode for the most part, there was a certain "WOW" feeling I was hoping to get from the exploration of the inside of the Doctor's time and space ship that just didn't feel it.

And yes, the mystery of Clara is addressed. No spoilers here: not resolved. (I'm sure Moffat's saving that one for himself.)
But Clara herself does solve a mystery while in the library perusing the Great Big Book of Everything.

Next week: "The Crimson Horror"




Really BAD Comics#2

Hello, everyone!
 
As I mentioned in the blog on Thursday, April 25th ("Until the Cows Come Home"), I'm studying for a really tricky and boring exam on financial services management. The fact that I have not actually taken my own life by now owes a lot to the fact that I'm too damn tired to make that effort.
 
So in the interest of thinking about stuff other than staffing formulas, risk assessment strategies and how to screw the boss's wife without getting caught (I drifted off at one point so that last one is probably not true), I'm putting my amazing barely adequate brain power to work on creating a sequel to a blog I did back on March 21st, "Really BAD Comics".
 
Why come up with ideas for more really bad comic books? As a public service to the hard working guys and gals at DC Comics Entertainment who have committed to this NEW 52 thing; well, as a brand at least as the actual numbers of titles per month have recently been below 52. Still, DC has a lot of books to put out and may need some ideas. But instead of pushing "great" new series only to deliver something that sucks, my concepts streamline the process. We can save time and money by going straight to the suckitude(Hey, this management exam I'm preparing for is already paying off!)
 
This also benefits Marvel because they're sure as hell not gonna let DC publish more books than them as we can see from this behind the scenes transcript of Marvel's Editor In Chief. (There's no information if anyone else was actually in the room or not.)
  • Axel Alonso chomping on a cigar, a la J. Jonah Jameson: "DC's putting out about 50 books a month! Not good! NOT GOOD!. We gotta beat that number. How often is Avengers coming out? Weekly? Damn it, not good enough! Tell Hickman I want to see a new issue every 3 days. You heard me! And tell that sonuvabitch Dan Slott if I don't see Spider-Man coming out hourly, I'll hire 50 monkeys to replace him! What do you mean I can't do that? I'm the EIC of Marvel Comics! Defying the laws of physics? Ha! I never studied law! OK, different tack. We need some new books! I want 'em fast. Don't care if they're good. In fact, don't even pretend they're good.We just need to publish more comics than DC!"
 
So, DC and/or Marvel, if you need comic book ideas and you don't care about quality, well step right up and see what kind of selection we have for today.
 
1.  Immoveable     A exciting series about a young hero who will not be moved...literally. Yep, that's his super power: he will stand in one spot for as long as it takes until all innocents know peace and the guilty are brought to justice...presumably by other people, the police maybe?
         
+Immoveable is the grandson of that classic hero, Capt. Standstill, now known as Capt. Bed Ridden.
 
2.  The Inconsolable Sulk     If you think the world is doomed, the Sulk will appear...to tell you in exactly how many ways the world is in fact doomed and then will sit in a pool of his own tears. With his immense power and stupendous strength the Sulk is there...to tell you he can't cure cancer.
        
+The Inconsolable Sulk is married to The Hormonal She-Sulk.
 
3.  Y-Men?     An action packed series set among the bars and night clubs of Manhattan, 4 super powered women (and their gay friend, Mascotti) fight against chaos and confusion as they struggle with the Cosmo chilling question: Why men? What is the big deal about having a penis? Why must they desire men so? These super females are bound by a blood oath: "We don't need men in our lives to be happy and complete."
          
+This series also has a spin off book set 10 years in the future called The Frantic Four as these same women decide, "Fuck this! We need a man! We need a man NOW! Hell, even Mascotti's married!"
 
4.  Hairless Offenders     They're BOLD! And they're BALD! Also they SMELL BAD! Bad guys beware: you do NOT want to stand down wind of these guys in pursuit of crime or they'll aim their bodacious baldness in your direction to blind you with the glare from their heads* and knock you out with their bad guy battlin' B.O. 
*Assuming it's a really sunny day.

+Let's be upfront about this, okay? This series has ZERO possibilities for any solo spin offs!

5.  The Flush     Plumbing the depths of evil, crack reporter Troy Toilet is always looking for the straight poop with the help of his super-powered alter ego, The Flush. Porcelain City is kept safe by the Brown Bolter as he fights evil villians like the Scum, the Floater and the Back Up. Never fear, citizens: The Flush will never rest until everyone is free from the clog of crime!

+Look for the debut of The Flush's new sidekick, Kid Flush! If "urine" a lot of trouble, the Golden Streak will whiz to your aid.

Well, that's 5 pretty good really bad ideas. I'm sure Bob Harras or Axel Alonso will be knocking on my door any minute now.**
**More likely it's a court official delivering a restraining order against Dave-El filed by both men.

See ya at the funny book store!
____________________________________________

Dave-El can also be found at that spinner rack of social media, Twitter, at: https://twitter.com/DayWayLo







Friday, April 26, 2013

The Huff Post Hop for Friday, April 26, 2013


From Dave-El's Twitter, it's the brought to you by Summer's Eve Sparkplugs! Let your engine roar with Summers Eve! Now: DAVE-EL!

Thank you! Welcome to the where I take from & make up funny stuff! So let's go in 5...4...3...2...

“Congress Bails Out Air Travelers – And No One Else” Well, no one else was holding up Congress’ flights to the Cayman Islands!

“White House: Syria Chemical Weapons Evidence Not 'Airtight'” Dick Cheney: "Facts, schmacts! The White House is being picky!"

“Google: Government Snooping Just Hit Record Levels” Well, I for one LOVE our benevolent government overlords!"

“Retailers Rejected New Safety Plan Before Deadly Factory Collapse” It would be a REAL dick move to reject it afterwards
 
“Evangelical Leader Compares Nagging Wives To Torture” We’re not supposed to agree with that, are we? NOT that we would, NO!"
 
“Rove:George W Bush Just Slightly Less Great Than Lincoln” (Too many jokes, too little space; Insert joke involving ham later.)
 
"Gwyneth Paltrow Shares WAY Too Much About Her Nether Regions" Her dress is sheer, you can see her Pepper Potts.
 
And... “Amanda Bynes Shaves Her Head” Lindsay Lohan is pissed! “Shit! I’m falling behind! Scissors!" she yelled to no one there.
_________________________________________________
 
Dave-El is also on Twitter at https://twitter.com/DayWayLo
 
 

Puppets At a Funeral


Hello, everyone! Dave-El here and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, now with EXTRA baking soda!


In this post, I want to share something from Twitter I saw this morning.


Bucky Isotope@BuckyIsotope23 Mar
Cookie Monster delivering the eulogy at Bert's funeral. Head bowed low. Stillness. "Me want cookies," he sadly intones. "Me want cookies."
 
 
I just fell out laughing over this. I could see and hear Cookie Monster doing just that. And the mood is so effectively conveyed with a minimum of words. Good job!
 
But then my mind began to ponder....what if other characters from Sesame Street had to speak at Bert's funeral?  So, with apologies to Bucky Isotope, I would like to present...
 
 
Puppets At a Funeral
 
Elmo at Bert's funeral: "Elmo sad. Tee hee hee hee! Elmo also ticklish. But mosly Elmo sad."
 
Big Bird at Bert's funeral: "I think heaven is filled with lots & lots of bird seed. Which is bad for Bert. I don't think he liked bird seed."
 
The Count at Bert's funeral: "Blah! How many ways did we love Bert? I shall count them!
                                                                            Thank you!"
 
Oscar the Grouch at Bert's funeral: "Well, Bert's gone and...and I'm sad...sad that the rest of you aren't gone as well!"
 
And finally...
 
Ernie at Bert's funeral: "Bert? Bert? Get up,Bert! I found my rubber ducky! It was in the bathtub! Do hear me, Bert?"
 
And the scene ends as we fade out from....
 
Puppets At a Funeral!
 
Brought to by the letter E and the number 7.
______________________________________________________
 
Thanks again to Bucky Isotope for the inspiration. Your first tweet is still the best of the bunch.
______________________________________________________
 
Bucky can be found on Twitter at https://twitter.com/BuckyIsotope.
 
And your truly, the dapper Dave-El is on Twitter at https://twitter.com/DayWayLo
 
 
 
 
 

Until the Cows Come Home: A Brief Interlude


Hello! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You.

Well, you've caught me at a rather awkward moment.

No! I'm no doing THAT!

Right now.

But here's the thing: I don't have anything ready for today. I don't have anything funny and I don't have any of the usual crap I post here either. Right now I'm studying for a business exam in Operational Excellence in Financial Services. And yes, it IS as boring as it sounds, thank you, Imaginary Not Helping Person. The exam is next Wednesday but I still have 4 chapters of this to slog through and then work with my notes to actually prep for the exam. A lot to do and process before exam time. But this book is SO BORING! I haven't gone through anything so deathly dull since I attended a reading by Ben Stein of the Mormon version of Fifty Shades of Grey

But before I resume my suffering (which, I'm sure, amuses you), let me share with you a joke.

A knock-knock joke.

Actually, my favorite knock-knock joke! Ready? Here we go!
__________________________________

Knock-knock!

Who's there?

The interrupting cow.

The interrupting-

MOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

"I don't get it. A cow would never be that rude."




Good night, everybody! 

 


Thursday, April 25, 2013

The Reawakening of....SEX! Tales of the STRANGE and the PERVERSE

Hi, internetians and webbites!
 
I'm Dave-El and this is I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, my own blog that is much better and much more entertaining than a compost heap according to everyone except two:

  • A dung beetle named Flzzzt. (Really, who includes a dung beetle in a survey group?)
  • Carl, a transient who's meds ran out several months ago and worships Flzzzt as his god.

On today's blog, we see the return of a feature not posted since March 23rd---

SEX!
TALES OF THE STRANGE & PERVERSE
 
Below are links to prior installments:

Now one of the reasons this feature has not made an appearance is simply because I didn't want to. It's not because I've got something against SEX! I like SEX! as much as the next guy or gal or primate or dolphin or mollusk. I certainly have no problem with spicing up SEX! with a taste of the strange, a hint of the perverse.
 
What I object to is having to use SEX! as a salacious marketing tool to drive more visitors to this enchanting internet grotto of taste and distinction. Dammit, I feel strongly about this! I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You should stand on the merits of my own talents, my own irreverent humor, my own topical observation, my own opinions and my own principles. I resolved I would never pander to use SEX!  to promote this website anymore! I don't have to!
 
Then I took time to re-read the damn thing.
 
...
 
Do you know what would be a good idea? Why don't we present another tale of.....
 
SEX!


TALES OF THE STRANGE & PERVERSE
 
Today's episode: "Three Cheese Love Pizza"

 
 
 
OK guys*, is this hot or IS THIS HOT? I mean, who hasn't had a sexual fantasy about a sexy woman dressed as cheese? CHEESE! And there are THREE OF THEM!! It couldn't get any "cheddar" than this! This is so "gouda".
 
*"Guys" defined as straight men (with or without a cheese fetish), lesbians, gay men who appreciate campy designs and straight women who like men but have kept secret about that time in college when they sampled some cheese.
 
My get up and go and has got up and come back! I'm hankering for THREE hunks of cheese!
 
Whoo!
 
Yeah, baby, baby, BABY!
 
OK, settle down everyone! I know this particular installment was one of the hottest yet but come now, let's behave with a little decorum. Maybe just...enjoy the presence of the sexy cheeses with some fresh fruit, wheat crackers and a glass of white wine.
 
Oh no. Once again I feel cheap, used. Once again, I'm caught between pleasure and principles. On one hand, we have three beautiful women dressed as cheese. On the other hand....
 
The other...hand...
 
Sorry, I forgot where I was going with that.
 
So, sex trolling internet surfers, I hope you enjoyed our latest installment of...
SEX!
TALES OF THE STRANGE & PERVERSE
 
But I hope that although you came for the SEX! (so to speak), I hope you'll stay for the wacky party fun time that is this most awesome of blogs, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You.**
 
**The sex trolling internet surfing visitors to Dave-El's blog on April 24th who found this site while loking for websites on perverted sex acts immediately left after they had their fill of the sexy cheeses...and were never heard from again.
________________________________________________
 
Follow Dave-El, the man and the myth, on Twitter at https://twitter.com/DayWayLo.
 
 
 

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Here's What I Think About Today #5





"I'm not here.
  I'm not there.
I have a live badger in my underwear."




That is all.

Monday, April 22, 2013

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor#5

 Hello! Dave-El here and thanks for dropping by the blog known inexplicably as I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, a bold and daring blog that isn't afraid to "stick it to the man"*.

*Sorry, I recently watched an episode of Adam-12 on ME TV. Man, Reed and Malloy had to deal with some real far out happening cats, you dig?**

**Hopefully this will wear off soon.***

***Oh, good! It has.

Here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, it is my promise to you, the loyal internet reader, to provide you with high quality comedy and insightful thinking. And as anyone can tell who has actually read this blog, I am extraordinarily bad at keeping my promises.

But I do keep trying your patience but to do that, I need support, financial support from a commercial sponsor, a sponsor with a strong reputation for integrity and first class service.

Or we can run another spot from American Glory.

"American Glory: Let other guys insure your life, home and car. We'll insure the rest of your shit."

They are such a class act. And they will insure anything for as little as $5.00 a month. How can do that? They have no overhead...or standards...or values..or an actual working business model...or a clue...or...

Oh, let's run the commercial already!

_____________________________________________________________________________

Scene: a sparsely furnished room as if designed by a cost cutting animation studio.

SHAGGY (runs in frantically holding a piece of paper in his hands): Zoinks! We are in big trouble! Scoob?! Scoob! Oh, man, Scooby Doo, where are you?

SCOOBY (bounding in): Shraggy?

SHAGGY: Oh, man! This is a most, like, urgent situation!

SCOOBY: Scooby snack?

SHAGGY: No, man! I’m so messed up right now, I can’t think about a Scooby snack!

SCOOBY: No Scooby snack? Ruh-roh!!

SHAGGY: Oh man, I wish, like, Fred, Daphne or Thelma were here, man! They’d, like, know what to do.

SCOOBY (poses heroically): Scooby-scooby-dooooo!!

SHAGGY: Zoinks, Scoob! I don’t think you can, like, save the day this time, man!

SCOOBY (confused): Ru-Huh?!

SHAGGY: You know that last case we were on, man, the one with that , like, creepy phantom haunting that old amusement park?

SCOOBY (nodding agreement): Ruh-huh!

SHAGGY: And it turns out the phantom was really old man Jenkins?

SCOOBY (nodding agreement): Ruh-huh!

SHAGGY: He was just, like, pretending to be a phantom to scare off people so he could, like, buy the place dirt cheap!

SCOOBY (nodding agreement): Ruh-huh!

SHAGGY (shaking the paper in his hand): But zoinks, now old man Jenkins is, like, suing us!

SCOOBY (confused): Ru-Huh?!

SHAGGY: Turns out old man Jenkins says he had an official permit from the county that gave him, like, the a-OK to dress as a phantom and haunt old amusement parks and stuff.

SCOOBY (indignant, shaking head no): Thrat’s strupid!

SHAGGY: Oh, man, that’s like, the stupidest thing ever in the history of stupid things! But zoinks, Scoob! He had a permit and he’s going to sue us and take the Mystery Machine!

SCOOBY (in denial): Ruh-Huh!

SHAGGY: And all our Scooby snacks!

SCOOBY (really alarmed now): Scrooby snacks? Ruh-roh!! (begins to howl!)

SHAGGY: Oh, man, like…. (joins Scooby in howling)

AGENT (entering): Don’t worry! American Glory is here to help!

SCOOBY (confused): Ru-Huh?!

SHAGGY (confused as well): Like, who are you, man?

AGENT: I’m your American Glory agent! And you have nothing to worry about!

SHAGGY: I don’t, like, see how, man! Zoinks, old man Jenkins’ going to sue and take, like, all our stuff, man!

SCOOBY: Yeah! Brankruptcy!

AGENT: No, no! Early on in your career, your friend Thelma had to foresight to take out a crucial insurance policy for your group.

SHAGGY: Insurance?

SCOOBY: Insurance?

AGENT: Yes, malpractice insurance for meddling kids! (turns towards the camera). Every year, a variety of amusement parks and carnivals are beset by twisted criminals dressed as phantoms, ghosts, spirits, specters and other phantasms in convoluted schemes to drive down property values.

SHAGGY: I mean, zoinks, man, it happens more often than you think!

SCOOBY: Ruh-huh!

AGENT: And these fiends would get away with it too if it weren’t for these meddling kids. American Glory’s meddling kids malpractice coverage allows them to continue to ferret out fraudulent phantoms with security and peace of mind for only $5.00 a month!


SHAGGY: Zoinks, Scoob! $5.00 wouldn’t cover our Scooby snack budget thru lunch!

SCOOBY: Hee hee hee hee hee!

AGENT: So remember American Glory! Because fake phantoms are haunting old amusement parks everywhere…and meddling kids have to stop them.

SCOOBY (poses heroically again): Scooby-scooby-dooooo!!

SHAGGY (arm around Scooby): Yeah, like, thanks, American Glory!

_____________________________________________________________________________

So I was dating this girl who said she had a sex fantasy where she and a guy were dressed like Daphne and Fred from Scooby-Doo. Daphne would be all tied up and stuff and Fred would come to the rescue and they'd do it really hot and heavy, oh yeah. I thought it sounded kind of hot until she told me she wanted to be Fred and I would have to dress as Daphne. Yeah, that was kinda weird and I made it clear I wasn't into that freaky stuff and I wouldn't do anything like that..you know, more than two or three--what? The commercial's over? Oh.

Welcome back, kids!

OK, once again I want to thank our...hold on, let me check something....

Banking app...enter user name....password....access account activity...looks like the check cleared...good.

I want to thank our sponsor, American Glory! Remember American Glory: If you think it's too stupid to be insured, American Glory will insure it!

Thank you for dropping by! Come back tomorrow to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You for something really cool some shit I made up at the last moment.
_____________________________________________________________________________

And I don't want to forget my other sponsor for my Twitter posts (https://twitter.com/DayWayLo), Summer's Eve Industrial Glue. If you want to hold on to something really tight, think Summer's Eve Industrial Glue. And look for the BRAND NEW Summer's Eve Industrial Solvent with your choice of lemon scented or classic sandalwood.


 

Spinner Rack Flashback: June 1977

Hi there! One of my favorite blogs is Diversions of the Groovy Kind which is dedicated to comic books from the late 1960s through the 1970s ...