Friday, January 31, 2014

Broken News for Friday, January 31st 2014

Hi, I'm Dave-El and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You and you might indeed amused by today's suffering if you're more tech savvy than I. (And whoever you are, yeah, you probably are.)

Before I get to this week's #BrokenNews, I need to address a bit blog-keeping business.

About 3 weeks ago, I began having trouble loading graphics to my blog. I was going through Internet Explorer and one online resource suggested using Google Chrome instead.

So I did and the results were amazing. I had more control over placement and sizing of the images I posted here. So, yay Google Chrome.

That was then. Now I'm more of a mood to say "Fuck you, Google Chrome". Now there may be a problem with my computer but I've checked all my systems and security. My computer could use a little more free memory space but over all everything still functions well enough. I can watch videos, for example. And virus protections are still in place with recent scans and no anomalies detected.

But I can't do any of this through Google Chrome. It just sits there before popping up with a message that I can't get where I'm going from here.

Meanwhile Internet Explorer is working just fine. Except I still cannot load a picture to my blog.

Until this gets resolved, I guess I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You is an all-text blog. Which means:

  • NO Broken News in Pictures
  • NO Broken News That Counts with the Count
  • NO Broken News Complaint Dept

It also means:
No more Adventures of Knock-Knock the Interrupting Cow. (And I've got at least a half dozen more in the chute, ready to be posted.)

It's that last one that really hurts.

Thanks for letting me ramble a bit. I have found this whole thing very disheartening.

BUT the show MUST go on. So let's do some #BrokenNews in 5...



BrokenNewsEmails Reveal Christie Allies Pressured Hoboken Mayor” By sitting on him.
#BrokenNewsGiuliani: 'Fifty-Fifty' Chance Christie Knew About Bridge Scandal” Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t, who knows? Watchya gonna do ‘bout it?
#BrokenNewsFacebook Toys With Radical New Idea” To not suck!
#BrokenNews "'Zombie' Bees Discovered For First Time In Eastern U.S." Oh, this is a lovely little item to add to my list of SHIT THAT ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING!!


#BrokenNews "Fox News's Insane Debate On Women" Ultimately the debaters agreed to defer the question if women actually exist until all the science is in.


#BrokenNews "Hospitals Facing Worrisome Shortage" They're running low on irrascible, ascerbic doctors who are very talented but don't play by the rules.
Let's take a moment for a #BrokenNews special as we ponder this week's State of the Union address given by President Barack Obama this past Tuesday.
If you thought it could've been shorter, the denizens of Twitter did try to help by suggesting State of the Union speeches that could be done in only 3 words (under #SOTUinthreewords). 

Here are 10 of my suggestions:
  1. No again? Really?
  2. Trust me, okay?
  3. Bend over, cough
  4. Get no satisfaction
  5. Got any ideas?
  6. Long live rock!
  7. Are you experienced?
  8. Feel the love
  9. Kiss my ass
  10. It's all good
OK, back to the headlines!
#BrokenNews "65 Year-Old Model Shares The Secret To Aging" You don't really need a virgin's blood for the dark rituals to sustain immortality; any human blood will do.

#BrokenNews "College Athletes Make Landmark Move" Actually going to class.

#BrokenNews "Pope Francis Rocks Rolling Stone Cover" His new album with Nine Inch Nails' Trent Reznor is expected to go to #1 in sales this week.

#BrokenNews "House Passes Sweeping Anti-Abortion Bill" In addition to curtailing a woman's access to abortion, it also mandates that women must sweep floors at least 20 hours a week.

#BrokenNews "Meat Loaf admits, 'I'm a giant ham'" He means that literally.

#BrokenNews "How Queen Elizabeth spent most of her money" On Doctor Who merchandise.
And on that note let's bring this week's edition of #BrokenNews to a close.

And speaking of Doctor Who, tomorrow is Doctor Who Saturday which DOES have pictures. (The post was completed before Tuesday's Google Chrome meltdown.)

I hope every one has a kick-ass weekend and for the Super Bowl, I'm pulling for the Broncs, baby! Peyton Manning as GOT to deliver on behalf of old people everywhere.

OK, I'm outta here! Remember to be good to one another.

Insert graphic here ----------------->

This is so sad.


Thursday, January 30, 2014

The Adventures of Knock-Knock, the Interrupting Cow#5

And now, Dave-El Inc. in conjunction with 
I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Entertainment is proud to present...

The Adventures of 
the Interrupting Cow#5

Join us next week for....

The Adventures of 
the Interrupting Cow#6

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

DC Comics and Me#2

Below is the cover to the first Superman comic I ever bought.

The image of Clark Kent hurling away his Superman suit from my first DC comic seems appropriate as I reflect on the end of my time as a DC reader. 

What has brought this journey to an end? 

Well, as is said in too many relationship break ups, it's not you, it's me. And to a certain extent its true. I turned 50 this past year. That's not to say I or anyone can be too old to read comics, even super hero comics. But its important to realize in anything that entertains us and brings us joy, it's always good to reassess one's tastes and preferences. 

When I first began down the road of being a comic book fan, I was drawn not just to super heroes but a certain type of super hero story that DC did better than Marvel. I preferred self-contained stories of larger than life characters.  As I grew older and discovered Marvel with its sprawling narratives and flawed characters, I realized this was perhaps more appealing to my maturing sensibilities. 

Except I stuck with DC because just as I was reaching this sea change in my attitudes towards comics, DC began adopting more Marvel-like approaches to story telling, helped by Marvel creators like Gerry Conway, Marv Wolfman, George Perez, Roy Thomas, Rich Buckler and more making their way from the House of Ideas to the Distinguished Competition

It was the advent of the New Teen Titans by Wolfman and Perez that opened my eyes to what could be done with DC's line of super stars. Read today, Titans seems at times to have been written with a sledgehammer but really,most Bronze Age comics aiming for more complex characterization kind of feel that way today. But the importance of Wolfman and Perez and the Teen Titans to DC Comics and to me as a reader cannot be overestimated. At a time when I should have been focusing on Marvel or independent publishers or even dropping the comics habit completely, I was excited by DC Comics again. 

But all good things must end. While Marv Wolfman would continue with the Titans for many years to come, it was to diminishing returns and without George Perez. Marv & George were still working together but on a different book, a little project called Crisis on Infinite Earths

At the time, Crisis was MAJOR. A line wide crossover of epic proportions that portended real and significant changes to the DC Universe. By this point I had been reading DC Comics for about 10 years and like a lot of fans out there, I had no idea what was going to happen next. So as I moved into my young adult years, DC still held sway over my imagination and my pocketbook. 

And after the events of Crisis, I fell down the DC rabbit hole even further. John Byrne, Marvel's golden boy from X-Men and the Fantastic Four, came to DC with the task of revamping Superman. The star of the first comic book I ever bought was getting a makeover. More accurately, it was getting a do-over.

Following John Bryne's Superman set the stage for my DC buying habits for the next 20 years.

To be continued next week.   

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Super Spy Dave vs. Real Life Dave

Hi there! I'm Dave-El and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that is shaken AND stirred.

Today we present a series of Tweets from my Twitter account wherein I spun two competing narratives. Somewhere in another dimension is a version of me that's a dashing and talented super spy going on dangerous missions and having sex with various beautiful women.

In another dimension is a version of me that's got to do some house cleaning.

Guess which dimension is blog is being written.



in a high speed chase with a rival spy 
has to mop the kitchen again

 runs after the rival spy into a posh hotel 
 wonders where the damn SwifferJet is

 in kung fu battle with rival spy 
 pissed off: every time he has to mop the floor, the SwifferJet is missing

 removes spy's hat: It's a WOMAN! 
 finds the SwifferJet in the fridge! (What the hell?)

 kisses the spy passionately 
 gets a fresh bottle of cleaner for the SwifferJet

 makes love to the spy in a lavish hotel room 
 mops the kitchen floor

 continues to make love to the spy in a lavish hotel room 
 is still mopping the damn kitchen floor

 leaves the sleeping spy sexually satisfied 
 told by wife he missed a spot

 steals away with the super secret microchip 
 finally finishes mopping the kitchen floor

 lounges by a pool with a bevy of bikini models & a drink in his hand 
 now has to mop the bathroom. 

 Until next time, be good to one another. And may you continue to have exciting adventures and/or clean floors. 

Monday, January 27, 2014

The Final Fate of Facebook?

Before there was this blog. 

Before I was on Twitter.  

Before that, my first foray into the world of social media was Facebook

Facebook was going to save my life.

Up front, I have no social skills. This has been verified under strict lab conditions during experiments conducted at the Mayo Clinic.  In any given social situation, my ability to execute an appropriate and not at all awkward social response to an inquiry, question, introductory remarks or some other social interactive stimulus experienced a 92.7% failure rate. 

Oh, the frustration of being so clever, so witty, so insightful and not being able to share it with anyone because I have the social skills of furniture. What is the point of being awesome if no one is paying attention?

Facebook was going to fix all that. 

OK, I'm being a bit over the top with this "being awesome" business but the thing is, we all have our strengths, our passions. We all have something that makes us unique and by extension makes us awesome. But sometimes getting people to see that can be difficult.  But that's where Facebook was going to come in.  

On Facebook, I would have time to think about what funny or wise thing I wanted to say, craft a response designed for maximum impact and posts those witticisms and observations for all the world to see.  Then I would cast a net wide about the world, people would see who I was and think, "He's kind of goofy but cool in his own way." And they would become my friends. 

Yeah, pathetic, I know. 

In the Fall of 2012, I shut down my Facebook account. 

Facebook made me feel even lonelier, not less so. Basically, Facebook could easily be called Everyone's Life Is More Interesting Than Yours. Maybe I'm not as smart and clever as I think I am. Maybe I am in the virtual world what I am in the real world: someone without social skills.

If that sounds depressing, well, it is depressing. We're talking depression, major depression that has hindered me my whole life and was only getting worse with age. And Facebook didn't help. 

Lunch plans and sympathies in time of loss and joys in time of triumph and bad jokes and commiserations about work all passed back and forth between everyone on Facebook. Except, it seemed, me. 

I knew I needed to get help with my depression. Among the steps I took, I get rid of something that was only making it worse. I walked away from Facebook

So I got on Twitter and to be honest, my level of response from people to things I say and share is no better and may be even worse that on Facebook. But I have zero expectations from Twitter. I post things to this blog with certain knowledge that no one is reading this stuff and I don't care. I'm writing this for my benefit and IF someone does read these things I post and gets some modest amount of enjoyment from them, that will be good. But I don't expect it. 

But Facebook was different. In a lot of cases, I was Facebook "friends" with people I already knew in real life. These were people whom I have to assume did not want to know me better. Perhaps it was the sense of desperation, that I was trying too hard to be likable. I'm willing to admit to my own culpability if my foray into Facebook was ultimately a failure. But that's not to say it still didn't hurt, being a ghost in a crowded house. 

I recently returned to Facebook but mostly to keep an eye out on my daughter. Her mother and I agreed she could have a Facebook account when she turned 13 but we were going keep an eye on her. 

So far, her activity on Facebook has been quite uninteresting.  Mostly because all the other people she wanted to connect with aren't bothering with Facebook anymore. 

Last week saw the release of this story that Facebook will lose 80% of its users by 2017. Basically, youth drives these things and Facebook has become less exciting for young people. There are other ways to interact through social media: Tumblr, Reddit, Twitter, etc etc. Who wants to be on Facebook anymore? Geez, your grandmother's on Facebook

But I also think part of the problem is Facebook's promise has not been fulfilled. The community of people around the world on Facebook is at best only a virtual community. With no strong ties or solid foundations, the connections made are extremely tenuous. Loneliness, the desire for human connection, the need for community was never going to be resolved sitting alone in front of a computer.

Facebook was never going to save us from ourselves.

Facebook was never going to save me from myself. 

Until next time, be good to one another. 

Sunday, January 26, 2014

This (Non) Sporting Life#4

Hi there! Dave-El here and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that throws the flag down on the field that is the internet.

Or something.

Today is #4 of my weekly blog post about a guy (me!) who knows little about sports writing about sports.

There is this idea that there is something in the American male DNA that automatically makes us all like sports and have a supernatural ability to remembers stats and players covering over a half-century. It is that same DNA that makes ALL men capable of building things from wood, fixing automobiles, grilling meat outside and shooting things. 

Except I missed out on all that. There is nothing more embarrassing that looking under the hood of a car trying to figure out why its not running and having another guy tell me, "Well, first of all, this is the trunk." 

My thinking on outdoor grilling is I have access to a perfectly effective kitchen that is not infested with insects and exposed to the elements. 

You know how in World War II movies, American soldiers would check to see if a someone was an American or a German spy by asking sports related questions like, "Who was the pitcher for the New York Yankees in Game 2 in the 1938 World Series?"* Yeah, I would be so completely screwed. 

*"Hallo, kerl Amerikaner! Ich glaube es war Lefty Gomez!"
"OK, he's clean. Let 'im through." 

I do know some sports stuff. For example, there's a Super Bowl coming week, right? 

Above is the trophy awarded to the winner of the Super Bowl.
It's called the Guy Lombardo Trophy after the famous big band leader
who apparently was a big football fan or something, I guess.
Excuse me, that's the Vince Lombardi Trophy
although why it's named after the music composer of the
Charlie Brown Christmas Special, I have no idea.

I know the Denver Broncos are in it and Peyton Manning is their quarterback. Apparently, Peyton is like 87 years old and part cyborg and can still play like a sonuvabitch. Really, my best knowledge of Peyton's skills have less to do with football and more to do with his comedic talents. For an example of that, click here for a bit Peyton did for Saturday Night Live

I know the Seattle Seahawks are playing against the Broncos (or as we MEN like to call them, "the Broncs") and I've heard that they are a very good team assuming Richard Sherman hasn't eaten them all in a cannibalistic fury. I think he's capable of that based on his now-infamous rant after the end of last weeks game when the Seahawks (or as we MEN like to call them,  "the Seas") clinched the NBC, NFC? Sorry, NFC championship against the San Francisco 49ers (so named because they have 49 people on the team). It seems some guy named Crabtree stole Richard's pet kitten or took the last Klondike bar or some damn thing so when an unsuspecting Erin Andrews of ESPN decided to put a mike in his face and ask how he was feeling, Richard took the opportunity to express his displeasure with the offending Mr. Crabtree. Richard Sherman may have also declared war on the Federation on behalf of the Klingon Empire

So every idiot with a blog or some other online forum decides to run with this for their own pathetic amusement. (For example, check out this moron's hopping aboard the Richard Sherman Rant Train.)  

Thankfully for Richard Sherman, future "Whatever happened to...?" pop star Justin Bieber was in Miami Beach FL pursuing his favorite sport, "How effectively can I kill my career?" This has helped take the heat off of Sherman a bit as comedians and pontificators moved their sights to shooting the fish in the barrel that is the Bieb's douchebaggery. 

So now the focus of the Super Bowl has turned to where it truly belongs. No, not the game, the commercials. 

My daughter is dumbfounded by this whole Super Bowl thing. Her dad who would normally prefer to watch How I Met Your Mother or Doctor Who to watching a football game suddenly has a passion for watching THIS game. Why? Because its one of the few things left in America that is still a nationally shared experience. We all see the game, whether its awesome or it sucks. We all see the commercials whether they are funny or just plan weird. We all see the half time show, whether it rocked or "My God! Did you see Janet Jackson's nipple?**" There's something cool about being part of a national experience. 

**No, dammit, I didn't. The infamous nipple incident was during a performance by Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson where HE rips part of her top off but somehow it's HER fault. By the way, MTV Productions which produced the Super Bowl halftime show in 2004 was permanently banned by the NFL from producing the show again. To counteract the shenanigans at the 2004 show, Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones performed in 2005 and 2006 despite the Super Bowl being well past their bed times.

My daughter, however, only has one thing she likes about the Super Bowl: the Puppy Bowl over on the Animal Planet channel. 

Before I close this out, a true story. In December 1997, the film Titanic came out and my wife like so many women the world over wanted to see this deeply romantic film about the greatest ship disaster in history. We actually had difficulty seeing Titanic because it was frequently sold out. (For reals!) In fact, we did not get to see James Cameron's epic telling of Leonardo DiCaprio sketching a naked Kate Winslet until January 25th, 1998. Game day for Super Bowl XXXII (32 for you non-Romans out there.) Oh, that explains why the theater was remarkably empty.  Yep, I really didn't realize this was on Super Bowl Sunday

But you know, I don't care. Maybe I'm not like most other men in America. I think spending quality time with my wife and making her happy is way more important that some silly football game where I don't care who played or who won***. 

***Denver Broncos vs. Green Bay Packers. The Broncs over Green Bay, 31-24. The game was a close one. The Broncos converted two turnovers to take a 17–7 lead in the second quarter before the Packers cut the score to 17–14 at halftime. Green Bay kept pace with Denver in the second half before tying the game with 13:32 remaining; then the Broncos scored the go-ahead touchdown with 1:45 left.+

+Thank you, Wikipedia. 

But I pay attention to these things now and I hope to happily ensconced on the living room couch with a deli tray and an alcoholic beverage and for a few hours, reclaiming my status as an American male.****

****Given that the beverage in question is less likely to be a beer and more likely some kind of orange juice/white zinfandel mash-up, I won't be reclaiming my American maleness for very long. 

Until next time, be good to one another. 

And go Broncos!

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Doctor Who Saturday: Spin Off City

"Hey, hey, hey! The Doctor and the gang are here to play!" 

Greetings! Welcome to my blog, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, now equipped with its own sonic swizzle stick.

I'm Dave-El and today is Doctor Who Saturday.  So what do I have up my sleeve for this week's installment?

Below is a picture with a silly caption left over from last week's post. This is a publicity still from the 2005 Doctor Who episode The Doctor Dances with John Barrowman as Capt. Jack Harkness

"Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb.*"
*Yes, this is the classic line delivered by Adam West in the Batman movie from 1966.

There was no denying Barrowman's charm as the roguish Capt. Jack and it seemed a shame to not have more chances to see this fascinatingly complex character other than in occasional guest appearances on Doctor Who. So after the end of Doctor Who's 2nd series, Jack Harkness was the featured character in a spin off series, Torchwood

Torchwood accomplished what had never been successfully done before: launch a TV series spin off from Doctor Who

There were ideas floated for possible spin off concepts during the classic era, most notably a series starring the characters of Jago & Lightfoot from The Talons of Weng-Chiang. That never came about although the two adventurers did get some audio adventures later on.

The closest the classic show ever came to actually realizing a spin off was with 1981's K-9 and Company with featured the Doctor's robot dog teaming up with Elisabeth Slanden's Sarah Jane Smith. But only 1 special was produced. 

Following the 2006 episode School Reunion which brought back both Lis Sladen as Sarah Jane and K-9 (John Leeson doing the voice, no less), a 2nd spin off project was commissioned, The Sarah Jane Adventures with Sarah Jane and various teenage companions solving mysteries involving aliens.**

**Around this time, a K-9 series was being produced that was not produced by the BBC or any Doctor Who production staff. I have not seen any of these but from what I've heard, that's probably for the best.

The key to Torchwood and SJA is that while both were built on the foundations of Doctor Who, both followed different approaches to their material with Torchwood being darker and edgier while SJA had a more kid friendly appeal. 

SJA was probably the more consistently well-regarded of the two series in terms of strength of the storytelling. It didn't hurt that the Doctor actually made a couple of appearances. And the affection people had for Lis Sladen and her Sarah Jane Smith. Sadly, the series came to an end when cancer took Sladen's life at too young an age. 

Torchwood continued to muddle through with episodes of varying quality and a less defined mission statement for existing other than Capt. Jack could have more explicit sex scenes. The third series, the 5 episode Children of Earth arc, is considered the pinnacle of the Torchwood series. A subsequent 4th series produced in conjunction with the American cable channel Starz was basically a weak rehash of X-Files tropes with a barely tenuous connection to the previous series. After those 10 episodes, nothing more has been heard of Torchwood and the likelihood of it returning is virtually not existent. 

Currently, Doctor Who serves as its own best ambassador of its universe but there are still ideas that fans would like to see developed outside of the series proper. The most prominent of these is the Paternoster Gang of Vastra, Jenny and Strax from The Snowmen, The Crimson Horror and The Name of the Doctor. I think it would make for a most intriguing and imaginative series, especially played against the Victorian era backdrop. 

Another Jenny comes to mind for a spin off, the Time Lord clone from The Doctor's Daughter. A young woman with kick ass moves and a warrior's skills yet seeking to live up to the Doctor's ideals, this character is usually at the top of Whovians' lists for spin off ideas.

Other ideas of varying merit include:
  • Martha and Mickey as the alien fighting married couple we saw at the end of The End of Time Part Two
  • The Space Pirates from the end of The Curse of the Black Spot
  • Liz 10 from The Beast Below
  • Canton Everett Delaware III from The Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon along with his alien fighting sidekick, President Nixon. (Well, why not?) 
  • The Teselecta from Let's Kill Hitler and The Wedding of River Song
  • Queen Nefertiti and John Riddell from Dinosaurs on a Spaceship

Of course, the magic of some of these characters is that they are in fact created for a short time and a specific purpose and perhaps that magic would wear a bit thin if they were brought to life on a consistent basis. Still, it is a fascinating exercise to speculate on the possibilities of having something Doctor Who-related to watch between series of actual Doctor Who.  

Ooh, how about an animated spin off featuring the Adipose?

OK, I'm pushing my luck now, aren't I?


Tomorrow on the blog: 

This (Non) Sporting Life#4

And next week on the blog:

Another NEW installment of Doctor Who Saturday.

Until then, be good to one another.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Broken News for Friday, January 24th, 2014

Hello and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, now with a surprise inside every box! 

I'm Dave-El, you are (I'm sure) a lovely person, today is Friday and today's post is a new edition of bROkEN nEWs

Before we get into today's stuff 'n' junk, let's take a look at this.
Yeah, Justin Bieber got himself arrested in Miami Beach for drunk driving and speeding. The li'l fucker could've killed some damn body and he's grinning in his mug shot like he just won the damn lottery? 

At the end of Sunset Boulevard (and if you haven't seen it, then spoilers, I guess? Hell with it, I'm moving on) when the police come to arrest Norma Desmond for murder, there are cameras there to record this for the newsreels. Norma's gone off the deep end and she thinks the cameras are there to record her great cinematic comeback. 

"All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up," says Norma as she looms in closer to the camera, cut off from the reality that is her life and what she has done.  

Scooter Braun, Justin says he's ready for his close up. 

For more analysis on JB's mug shot, click here

Well, the little dickhead who used to be my daughter's center of attention (who she can barely stand now) has got me a bit riled up. Perhaps I need to take advantage of the new feature in today's bROkEN nEWs, a feature to help deal with the stresses of the week gone by.  Now prepare to hear a calm and soothing message in the form of....

Moments of Meditation 
with Richard Sherman.

Thank you, Richard, for that message of peace and love. We'll have more from Mr. Sherman later in the post.

But for now, let's get bROkEN nEWs going in 






#Broken News "Anti-Gay Putin Claims He's 'Friendly' With Gay People" And Hitler was "best buds" with the Jews.

#Broken News "Obama Promises Germany: No Spying" Obama to NSA: "Psst! I had my fingers crossed behind my back when I said that. Hee hee!"

#Broken News "NFL Signals Openness On Medical Marijuana Use" Maybe then the players will "mellow out" and not care so much about this whole "concussion problem". 

Let's take a moment to look at some pretty pictures! Ooh, and words too! 

#Broken News "Liz Cheney's Big Mistake" Failing to understand that some women just don't care for Dick. (Cheney, that is. What were YOU thinking?)

#Broken News "Christie Declares War On MSNBC" Employees of MSNBC over in Ft. Lee NJ are worried: "Oh crap! We'll be stuck in traffic FOREVER!" 

Well, if staffers with MSNBC do wind up getting stuck in traffic on the George Washington Bridge, perhaps they can find calm and contentment in the words of Richard Sherman. 

Very wise, Mr. Sherman. Very wise indeed,

#Broken News "Mysterious Rock Has Mars Scientists Scratching Their Heads" Failing to recognize the more problematic issue of Martian dandruff.

As for the "mysterious rock"? 

#Broken News "Rodman Checks Into Rehab" Kim Jong Un: "No! Not Drunk Dennis no fun! Bring back Drunk Dennis!"

#Broken News "Amazon May Start Shipping Items Before You Even Order Them" OK, Amazon just shipped me a coffin. What do they know that I don't?

#Broken News "Massive Brawl Breaks Out Just 2 Seconds Into NHL Game" Good, no sense wasting time before getting to the important stuff.  

Hockey players perhaps would not be so quick to anger if they could take a moment of meditation like Richard Sherman. 

That is so beautiful; really, it is. 

Before we move with the headlines, let's a take a look at...

bROkEN nEWs tHaT cOUnTs! 

And here is...The Count

"Hey kids! Being out of work can be a real pain. I know that pain from that time I lost my job at The Men's Wearhouse. Really, I think every man's should have a cape to go with his suit! Blah! Anyway, here are ten....ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 6, 9, 10...TEN awkward moments that can happen to you when your're unemployed. BLAH!"

10 Awkward Moments 
When You're Unemployed

  1. No longer giving a shit, you randomly tell people you spend most of the day jacking off.
  2. Your fashion sense can be described as "frat house after party"
  3. Thinking a fast food job is beneath you, you realize you've been wearing the same underwear for 10 days and you're no longer that big on dignity
  4. Being yelled at by a homeless person, "Hey, why don't YOU get a job!"
  5. A concerned blood bank employee tries to give you blood back because "you don't look so good".
  6. An irritated sperm bank employee tells you "four times a day is more than enough". 
  7. Your fashion sense has declined to "autumn hued homeless" 
  8. Claiming you're "self-employed" instead of "unemployed" isn't too damn funny after 142 weeks.
  9. You realize you're getting pretty damn good at pricing games on The Price Is Right. 
  10. It occurs to you how much you miss saying, "I didn't get the memo." 

Funny, I always pictured the Count as more of a Jos. A Banks kinda guy. Oh well, back to the headlines.

#BrokenNews "Man Might Choose Mars Trip Over Family" A lot of men in America look at that and say, "Wow! I did not know that was an option!" 

#Broken News "Lindsay Lohan Announces Surprise Film" Surprise! It's NOT a porno!

#BrokenNews "Hoboken treated like everyone else after Sandy, NJ governor's office says" Translation: Everyone got fucked! 

#BrokenNews "Spaniards hurl turnips at man in beast suit" Because, seriously, what else are you gonna do with turnips?

#BrokenNews "Broncos face Super test in top-ranked Seahawks" First priority: keep Peyton Manning from being eaten by Richard Sherman.

#BrokenNews "What Drove Ke$ha Into Rehab" I'm assuming the bartender cut her off. 

Well, I hope someone's saving a room next to Ke$ha for this little shit. 


And that's wrap on bROkEN nEWs this week. I would like to thank our special guest contributor from the NFC Champion Seattle Seahawks, Richard Sherman.  Richard, may you favor us with one last meditation for today.

Thank you, Richard.

And thank you, gentle reader, for comin' round again this Friday for another installment of our weekly wackly news wrap up. 

As always, I do take the concerns of my readers seriously. So if anyone was offended in any way by any of the material in today's bROkEN nEWs, I beseech you voice those complaints to our Broken News Complaint Department

Yeah, whatever.
Another installment of Doctor Who Saturday

And next Friday: 
A NEW installment of Broken News

Until then, be good to one another. 

"A guy named Bubba wants me
to be his boyfriend? Cool!"

Trump's Fake News Strategy

As you know, Li’l Donnie Trump is quite often in a snit over the press. He constantly demeans and defames journalists with terms like “l...