Sunday, January 31, 2016

A Not Exactly Pressing But Kind Of Semi-Important Announcement

Hi there! 

Dave-El and so far, I'm not back in the hospital which is a very good thing because the one I was in was determined to kill me! 


OK, I may exaggerate. 

But only slightly. 

In the meantime, I am still punchy from a weeks worth of illness and the subsequent barrage of medications designed to "fix" things. 

So this is a just quick pop into say "hi" and longer posts will be forthcoming.

Longer, yes. Smarter or funnier? Hey, you're pressing your luck. 

Until next time, remember to be good to one another. 




Saturday, January 30, 2016

A Semi-Important Blog Announcement

Hi there. I'm Dave-El and if you're reading this post, that mean's I'm in the hospital?

The hospital? What is it?

It's a big building with sick people in it but that's not important right now. What is important and I'm not sure how long I will be in there so I'm not sure many posts I may miss making on this blog.

There are two series that are pre-written out for several weeks: 

  • Oddball Super Heroes which will post each Wednesday
  • Ted Cruz Is a Lying Fuck Bastard which will post each Friday.


So that's all I have for now. I'm sure this is nothing and I'll be back to blog all about it.

If not, well, it was good while it lasted and I'm so glad my suffering amused you.  

___________________________________________

AMENDED, 1/30/2016, 6:37 AM 





























I'm not dead yet. Also not in the hospital either.  I'll have more on that harrowing experience in an upcoming post.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get my beauty sleep. 

Friday, January 29, 2016

Ted Cruz Is a Lying Fuck Bastard - Part 1


Greetings, gentle reader. I am Dave-El and welcome to my humble blog, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You. 

On this particular and auspicious occasion, I would like to initiate a series of posts that will examine the statements of one of the candidates for US President. Here, I will take a measured and scholarly examination of this particular individual's expressions in speeches, debates and comments to the media. We will embark on a mind-changing journey as we look deep into the meanings of words and the very concepts of truth itself. I call this series of posts...




But why Ted Cruz? I mean, all politicians stretch the truth a bit here and there to make their case. But Ted has zero regard for facts. He pulls facts out of context or completely misstates things. Here's a summary by PolitiFact's analysis of recent comments made by Cruz. 











And what makes Ted's antipathy towards the truth so particularly dangerous is the over the top sincerity and certitude he projects about what he's saying. Ted Cruz is the ultimate snake oil salesman of the 21st century. 

Let's begin this with with a look at statements Cruz made about how Australia's gun laws have led to an increase in rapes.  

Ted Cruz recently linked an increase in sexual assaults in Australia a gun buy back program that was instituted in that country in 1996. Basically, the Texas Senator asserts that more women in Australia are being raped because they don't have guns to defend themselves.  

There has been an increase in sexual assaults over the last 20 years in Australia but there has not been a spike or otherwise significant increase from 1996 onward. The overall steady increase in numbers for rapes can be attributed less to an increase in actual crimes committed and more towards women being more willing and encouraged to report and prosecute such crimes.  

The Australia's government took swift, bipartisan action to tighten gun ownership restrictions after the 1996 massacre that left 35 people murdered by semi-automatic weapons. What has NOT occurred in the intervening years since those actions were taken? Another mass gun slaughter.

What is directly attributable to Australia's gun control efforts in 1996 is a dramatic curtailment of gun related violence. The rise in reported sexual assaults cannot be attributed to those measures.  

And this is why we say....


TED CRUZ IS A LYING FUCK BASTARD

Thank you ever so much for your kind attention. Remember to be good to one another and I shall return with another post tomorrow.  

Thursday, January 28, 2016

The Dave-El Hostage Crisis Continues

Hi there! 

Dave-El here from my continuing hostage crisis here in the Fortress of Ineptitude. From Friday to Sunday, the sheet of ice covering my surroundings gave more than sufficient excuse to stay hunkered down. However, other forces were conspiring against me. 

To be honest, over the last week I have not been feeling that great, like was trying to get a cold or a sinus infection or some damn thing.  Whatever it was, it flared up big time Monday, making me feel horrible enough to do something I am usually quite loathed to do. 

I went to the doctor. 

I don't like going to the doctor because I never get the definitive answer I'm looking for. "Dave-El, you have Disease D47, here take this blue pill, you're better now, my work here is done, NEXT!" 

Of course medical science doesn't work that way. "Dave-El, you may have Disease D47 or Condition M72 or it could be just general yuckiness so I'm not sure I want to give you the blue pill since it may not be Disease D47 and the blue bill would cause more harm that good and make Condition M72 worse assuming you even have that which I'm not sure again it could be general yuckiness, just go back home, drink plenty of fluids and get plenty of rest and here's an enormous bill for this indecision."  

So I was happy when my doctor said on Monday, "Yep, it's a sinus infection." I like that! A defined illness with a specified cure. 

Except 2 days later I feel worse that ever. I've developed a really bad and persistent cough and I spend half my time either shivering or sweating profusely. Throw in some nausea and I'm calling it: I have the flu.  

To be fair, a doctor has not said I have the flu but I've been kicking around enough in this old body to know this ain't just a sinus infection. It actually feels like I did about 8 years ago when I had pneumonia but people freak out when you say pneumonia so I'm going with flu until I hear something different. 

Whatever it is, I feel like shit.

I've been trying to distract myself with some comedy.  I watched Jim Gaffigan's Beyond the Pale stand up special in its entirety. Jim Gaffigan is one my favorite stands ups and Beyond the Pale is Jim at his best as he explains the concepts of cake, Christmas and Easter traditions and, of course, Hot Pockets.  

I've also been binge watching Jerry Seinfeld's Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee. The premise of this web based series is pretty simple and it's right there in the title. Jerry picks up a comedian in a car and they go get coffee. But what evolves out of that is both funny and insightful into the mind of comedians. At the start of each episode, Jerry gives you a rundown of the car he's using to pick up that week's guest. It's usually some kind of classic and/or high performance vehicle. Jerry picks up Julia Louis Dreyfuss in an Aston Martin. But sometimes the cars aren't all that great. The 1971 Ferrari Jerry drives Amy Shumer around in breaks down. He picks up Jon Stewart in a AMC Gremlin. Then there was the time Jerry Seinfeld picked up David Letterman in a Volvo station wagon. But it was a special Volvo station wagon built by actor Paul Newman with a Ford V-8 engine under the hood. 

The episodes vary in length from as little as 10 to 12 minutes to as much as 20 minutes or more. It's a very nice looking package with professional editing and music scoring. The interactions between Jerry and his guests vary in quality a bit. Jerry does seem far more comfortable discussing comedy with a fellow comedian of his own generation. Still, all the installments of this series have a friendly kick back vibe that makes them a pleasure to watch.  

Well, that's all I've got at this time. The cough medicine my doctor prescribed is starting to kick in and the rainbow unicorn is telling me it's time to fly off to Apple Muffin Land where we will frolic and play with magic hedgehogs. 

Or something like that....

And I'm so glad my suffering amuses you.  

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Oddball Super Heroes: Bouncing Boy

Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the internet's leading source of olive oil and olive oil derivatives. I'm Dave-El and yes, I am going to eat that last crescent roll, thank you very much. 

An interest that has been part of my life since childhood is the wonderful world of comic books, particularly super hero comics. When I first came to start reading comics in earnest, it was the 1970s (Yes, I know! I'm old) when comics were first attempting to appeal to a slightly more grown up sensibility. Which meant that some of the more bizarre elements of the genre from the 1960s and back were regarded with much derision and outright loathing.  

But as I've gotten older, I've come to appreciate the innocent and goofball charm of some of these early comic book concepts. When I regale by daughter with tales of certain super hero concepts from this rarefied time frame, she sometimes has trouble determining that I'm totally bullshitting her (which I've been known to do do) or this is really something that actually existed.  

So for the next undetermined number of Wednesdays, I want to touch base on some weird and offbeat super hero concepts that someone actually sat down to write up and someone else came along to draw them and then subsequently be committed to paper. 

These are super heroes that exist in the world of comic books.

For the first few installments, I want to look forward a thousand years to the future of DC Comics's super heroes and look at some concepts that came to life during the 1960s heyday of the Legion of Super Heroes

The Legion began life in a Superboy story (when Superman was a boy) with three heroes arriving from a future 
millennium to meet the hero from the long ago past who inspired their own exploits.

The Legion of Super Heroes became a popular recurring feature in Superboy stories and eventually secured their own regular series in the pages of Adventure Comics.

But three heroes do not a Legion make so other heroes were created to fill out the ranks to more Legion-like dimensions. And when you have super hero group that is more like an army, you're going to wind up with some oddball characters with some rather strange power sets. 

Like Bouncing Boy.   














Chuck Taine was born on Earth in the 30th century with no super powers. However he gained super human abilities after he accidentally drank a super plastic formula which he thought was soda pop.  


You read that right. Chuck Taine got super powers through a Jimmy Olsen plot device.  

And the powers that Chuck got were the powers of... bouncing.  Super bouncing.   

As Bouncing Boy, Chuck could inflate his body with a mere thought and proceed to, well, bounce. 

Now it does sound like a really stupid power but in many ways, Bouncing Boy was my favorite member of the Legion of Super Heroes. Yes, he had an absurd power and he looked absurd using it. 
















Yes, that looks stupid. 

But Bouncing Boy has demonstrated many times how he can use his body's shape and rubber-like consistency as an effective ballistic weapon. His power also provides him with a limited degree of invulnerability while bouncing. For example, he is invulnerable to electric shock while in his spherical state.

So being Bouncing Boy may look stupid but Chuck Taine has frequently proven to be a more than capable member of the Legion and is responsible for training new recruits. After all, if you can take something as ridiculous as Super-Bouncing and actually make a contribution to a team that has Superboy as a member, you've got to have something going on. 

But yeah, it's still Super-Bouncing. So, you know...

___________________________


Next week, a look at another hero from the 30th century who did not make the cut to get into the Legion. If a guy with the power of Super Bouncing can make the cut, what kind of power set would not make the grade?

We'll find out next week. Meanwhile, another post on some damn thing or another is coming up tomorrow. Until then, remember to be good to one another. 

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Make a Movie About Weasels

Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog rated #1 among North American weasels and 4th for all weasels world wide. I'm Dave-El and despite what you may have heard, I do not have the powers of a weasel. 

So what's the deal with weasels? A few days ago, this hashtag was trending over on Twitter: 


So as is my want when I'm really, really stuck for an idea, I gather my Tweets from over there and bring them together over here to make a blog post of Reheated Tweets. 

So let's get bizz-ay and 
  • Hot Tub Time Weasels 
  • Paul Blart: Mall Weasel 
    • (Also-Paul Blart: Mall Weasel 2)
  • Fifty Shades of Weasels
  • The Danish Weasel 
  • Mad Max: Fury Weasels  (Furry Weasels?)  
  • Bridge of Weasels 
  • Batman V Superman: Dawn of Weasels 
  • Straight Outta Weasels 
  • Star Wars: The Weasel Awakens 

And to show I'm not above stealing material from myself: 

Embedded image permalink

And this is all I have to say for today's blog post. 

Except a reminder that I can be found on Twitter here

Oh to remind you to have you weasels spade or neutered. 

And one more thing, I'll be back with another post tomorrow.

But that is it. There is no more that I'm going to say here in today's post. 

Remember to be good to one another. 

Dammit! OK, there was that thing! But seriously, that is it! This is it for today's post. I will not post one more thing today.



















DAMMIT! 

Monday, January 25, 2016

This (Non) Sporting Life: A Dish Best Served Cold

Hello there! Today is Monday and with any luck, I have made my way to work today with minimal loss of life, limb and car parts. The weather around the Fortress of Ineptitude was not as bad as it was further up north where snowfall was counted in units of feet. Still, there was enough snow and ice on the ground to entice me not to go anywhere until I have to.  

Well, it's Monday and I have to.  

So while I'm dealing with that, here's a post on a topic I approach once in a while on this blog, This (Non) Sporting Life. It's a blog post about sports written by a guy who doesn't know much about sports.  

That would be me. 

I mean, I do know some things but mostly I rely on what I've heard others say and some things that I've figured out on my own. (Like what AFC and NFC mean.) 

Sunday was the big conference finals to determine who will go to the Super Bowl. For the AFC (Asparagus Farmers Cooperative), the Denver Broncos defeated the ________ * New England Patriots.

*Insert your choice of word here:

  • evil
  • cheating 
  • slimeball
  • bastard 
  • asshole
  • no good
  • scum bag 

The choices are quite endless. 

The choice of who to pull for in this game was very clear to me. 

  • Peyton Manning is funnier that Tom Brady
  • Peyton Manning represents us old folks out here who don't know when to quit
  • The Patriots are fucking douchebag cheaters

Suffice to say if any team in the NFL deserves a win over those sons of bitches with the Patriots, it would be the Broncos. It was a cold day to do it too and as the Klingon proverb goes, "Revenge is a dish best served cold." *

*OK, I'll admit I shoehorned that in there but with this weekend blizzard, I've been looking for an excuse to use that quote from Star Trek in here somewhere. If you're bothered by this, you can ask for your money back. 

But I have to admit there is a selfish reason for pulling for Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncs: I don't think they can win the Super Bowl.  

Which brings us to the other conference game for the NFC (Neutrino Fish Catchers).  The Carolina Panthers vs. the Arizona Cardinals. The Panthers have been the whipping boy of the NFL for a very, very long time. Losing records. Near winless seasons. A rotation of coaches and quarterbacks hurtling around and around faster than a tilt-a-whirl. The Panthers were a joke. And the one time they actually made it to the Super Bowl before, the game itself was a lopsided embarrassment of a loss for the cats from Carolina. 

Ooh, cats from Carolina. That's a pretty clever turn of a phrase if I do say so myself. 

But this year the journey has been quite different. Instead of a team that seemed held together by duct tape and chicken wire, the Panthers have been a solid, cohesive team lead by a quarterback who is very much at the top of his game, Cam Newton.  And there's Ron Rivera, coach of the Panthers since 2011. Ron has lead a team that has continually improved to the point that this year was a nearly an undefeated season, a long away from the days of losses outnumbering wins.*

*To be honest, I really have no idea how good Newton and Rivera are. It's a wonder I remember their names. 

It was a cold day in Charlotte NC for the Panthers/Cardinals game. North Carolina didn't get hit as hard as the northeast United States but it was cold enough. Besides having home field advantage, I think the Panthers may have benefited from an Arizona team not as used to these cold temps.  

Whatever talent or luck may have brought the Panthers on Sunday, their story of destiny rolled out another win and we're off to the Super Bowl

Part of me would've loved to see Cam Newton layeth the smacketh down on Tom Brady's deflated balls but all I'm looking for is a Panthers win at the Super Bowl. And sadly for Peyton Manning, I think this is his last shot at a Super Bowl ring and he's going to come up empty. 

So congratulations to the Carolina Panthers for their win and good luck at your next appointment with destiny, the Super Bowl.  

I'll be back with another post tomorrow. Until then, remember to be good to one another. I'll see you in the outfield at center court in the end zone. 

Dave-El
I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You





Sunday, January 24, 2016

Snow Country For Cold Men

A month ago, I was complaining about the lack of cold weather as we headed towards Christmas. This weekend, the El family stayed hunkered down in the Fortress of Ineptitude surrounded less by a winter wonderland and more of a winter wasteland. Oh, it's a lovely tableau of winter white everywhere but over that beautiful blanket of snow was a hard ass layer of ice. If you went outside to make a snow angel, you would need an ice pick to make that happen. 

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. Me, I love a good snowed in experience. As long as the food holds up and the power stays on, there's nothing better than staying cuddled up inside under a blanket with a cup of hot chocolate and a good movie or book for company. 

Inevitably, however, no matter how well stocked up our food supplies may be, I will start to get a craving for something that I don't have in the house. For example, spaghetti. I actually had spaghetti noodles in the pantry but nothing else to make a decent spaghetti dish. I haven't had spaghetti in a long while and quite frankly, I don't recall having any particularly burning desire to have any yet over the weekend, hemmed in by the ice, I really, really wanted spaghetti really, really badly.  

Another bad craving to have when I'm snowed in is for something that isn't good for me and further more, isn't really that good, specifically the McDonald's Quarter Pounder with cheese. Locked in by the fields of ice surrounding the Fortress of Ineptitude, I want nothing more in life than a cheeseburger-like substance.  

I also regret not getting by my local comic book shop to pick up about a month's worth of backlog from my pull list. Is Jim Gordon still Batman? I feel so cut off from society.  

The weather in my neck of the woods in North Carolina is not as bad as it is further north. Two feet of snow and winter precipitation falling on Washington DC and New York City. As much as I enjoy a good snowed in experience, measuring snow and ice in increments of feet seems a bit much.  

By Monday morning, I imagine my time in exile will be at an end and I will have to forage outside to stock up on supplies, feed that Quarter Pounder craving and get back to work. 

To everyone, I hope you stayed warm inside while admiring the cold beauty of winter on the outside. Remember to be good to one another, drive carefully and I'll be back here with another post tomorrow. 


Dave-El
I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You

Doctor Who: The Only Constant Is Change





















So the announcement was made on Friday that Steven Moffat would be stepping down as Executive Producer and Head Writer of Doctor Who by the end of 2017 with Chris Chibnall taking over as of 2018. Now I know I shouldn't say I told you so but...

I told you so.

I told you so.

And...I told you so.  

Along with the announcement of Steven Moffat (The Moff!) handing over the reins to Chris Chibnall (The Chib?) was also the news that the entirety of Series 10 will not appear until 2017 with only a Doctor Who Christmas special on the schedule for 2016. This was a possibility that I had entertained but I was expecting more that Series 10 would be split to at least give us some Doctor Who in 2016. 

But with only a Christmas special to look forward to this year, 2016 will mark the least amount of Doctor Who we've had since the show was revived. Prior to that, 2009 gave us 3 specials (4 if you count End of Time Part 2 which was technically 2010 but...) as well as the Doctor guest starring on an episode of Sarah Jane Adventures

But if anyone wants to complain about the paucity of new Doctor Who in 2016, then us old-timers from the days of the classic series will rant and whine about our 16 YEARS IN THE WILDERNESS WITH NO NEW DOCTOR WHO ON TV AT ALL EXCEPT FOR ONE MOVIE WHICH WE'RE NOT REALLY SURE HOW WE FELT ABOUT THAT! 

I'm hoping that some of the down time might go towards some online content, you know, some mini-episodes. We've not seen a lot of these during the Peter Capaldi run whereas there were a lot of these featurettes during the Matt Smith years.  So maybe two or three short 3 to 6 minute stories to whet our appetite until the big stuff comes along.  

Speaking of Peter Capaldi, there's no further word on his time as the Doctor. He has dropped hints that Series 10 might be his last and since it is the last season for Steven Moffat, Capaldi may elect to make a clean break of it for the new guy to establish his own Doctor, like the transition from Russell T Davies to Steven Moffat and as I have speculated before

As the saying goes, "The only constant is change" and nowhere is that saying more applicable than the world of Doctor Who. Still, by the time Steven Moffat leaves, he will have been a strong and steady presence over Doctor Who for 8 years with contributions to the show prior to that under Davies. That kind of longevity creates a special bond between a creator, the creation and the audience. The departure of the Moff is going to take some getting used to. 

I don't think two years is enough time to do that.

That's all I've got for today. I'll be back with another post tomorrow and more Doctor Who stuff will be on the blog next Sunday. Until then, remember to be good to one another.

Dave-El
I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You

Saturday, January 23, 2016

The Fortress of Ineptitude

Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that is more fun than a basket full of kittens! 



















Oh hell to the no WAY this blog is more fun than that! 

THOSE KITTENS ARE TOO CUUUUUUUUTE!  

Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

TOO CUTE! 
TOO CUTE! 
TOO CUTE! 
TOO CUTE! 
TOO CUTE! 
TOO-














Sorry about that. 

I am your humble blogger, Dave-El. Actually, my name is David Long but Dave-El is my Kryptonian name which is just too damn nerdy for words, isn't it? Dave-El is also my nom de blog which is French for "Yum! Blog!" 

Since I've got that whole Superman-esque stuff going on with the Dave-El name thing, I occasionally adapt other Superman mythology for my use here on this blog thing. For example, instead of a Fortress of Solitude, I refer to my abode as the Fortress of Ineptitude.  

In case you're wondering what the Fortress of Ineptitude looks like...


























You're welcome. 

I call my home the Fortress of Ineptitude mostly as an honest assessment of my abilities (or lack thereof) as a homeowner. My approach to solving problems around my Fortress can be best expressed by the following comments I have been known to use.   

"This is a job for duct tape!"
"Flat head or Phillips screwdriver? Fuck it! I have a hammer!"
"That door is supposed to stick like that." 
"Where the hell is the duct tape?" 
"That hole in the wall? It was there when we moved in. You're just now noticing that?" 
"I can fix the toilet. I just need to connect the thingamabob to the whoziwatzit with a whatchamacallit."  
"No worries! The smoke coming out is perfectly normal." 
"No duct tape? We're doomed!" 

I'm really the last person on Earth who should be a homeowner unless I had a billion dollars and a really good butler. 

I wish I had a butler. 

Sigh. 



OK, feeling a bit depressed again. Must engage emergency protocols.













KITTENS! CUTE KITTENS!! SUPER DUPER MEGA CUTE KITTENS! THESE KITTENS ARE CUUUUUUUUUTE!!

Fine, stand down red alert. 

And I think that is enough for this silly post for today. I'll be back with another post tomorrow. In the meantime, remember to be good to one another. 
___________________________________

Amendment to post: Friday saw the announcement of Steven Moffat's departure as Doctor Who writer and producer along with other announcements regarding the show's future. I will address that further in tomorrow's post.  

Friday, January 22, 2016

Dave-El Does Hollywood II: A Whiter Shade of Oscar

















Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, a  videotape blog adrift in a Blu-Ray internet. I'm Dave-El and please silence your cell phone during the feature presentation. Thank you! 

Last week, I did a post on the Oscar nominations for this year and made some random guesses on who I thought might win. I couldn't help but notice a distinct lack of pigmentation among the nominees or, as I put it last week, "The nominees are whiter than a bag of marshmallows in a snowstorm."

The lack of racial diversity in this year's Oscar nods has continued to be a story of some considerable controversy. Jada Pinkett Smith, wife of Will Smith who was considered an early favorite to score a Best Actor nomination for his work in Concussion, urged African Americans to boycott the Oscars as a sign of protest. Janet Hubert who played Aunt Viv on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (Will Smith's acting debut) suggested Jada Pinkett Smith is just pissed because Will didn't get nominated and she should just get over herself.

Hosting this year's Oscars is Chris Rock so we will get to see a black man on the stage unless he responds to calls to boycott the show as well. Knowing how Chris operates, he sees this whole controversy as choice material for some prime comedy. In response to the all-white nominations, Chris Rock has taken to describing his gig as hosting "The White BET Awards".  

Last year saw a similar tempest stirred up over the lack of nominees of color but at least there was some representation. The performance by Common and John Legend of Glory from the film Selma was a major highlight of last year's Oscar telecast.

But this year? Get a load of this. I wondered last week that perhaps Straight Outta Compton (will) ride that wave of (white) guilt to a screen writing Oscar trophy. Yet this almost universally praised box office success could only pull down 1 major nomination and that was for Best Original Screenplay. And you know who wrote that screenplay? The only two white people involved with the whole freakin' picture! 

And get a load of this. Creed, another well liked film that did well at the box office with a black lead actor heading up a predominantly black cast and led by a black director and the only nomination that goes to Creed is for Best Supporting Actor. And that actor? Sylvester Stallone! That's right! The one white guy in the whole damn movie gets an Oscar nomination! 

If I were African American, yeah, that would make me a little paranoid. 

And there's the shut out of Concussion and Beasts of No Nation which were considered contenders for some Oscar attention.  






This dearth of color in the Oscar nominations is attributable less to any overt racism and more to an older pool of Academy voters who may not necessarily personally respond to films like Straight Outta Compton and Creed. Whatever the reason, America is more diverse than what the slate of nominees reflect. Hopefully the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will figure out how to better acknowledge more movies that look like America.

On the plus side of all this, Chris Rock is going to have one hell of a field day with this hot topic at this year's Oscars.
 





Everyone, be good to one another. I'll be back with another post tomorrow.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Blog Post # 1000!




Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, a blog that I'm sure Sarah Palin would endorse if she only understood how this internet thing works, you betcha! I'm Dave-El and you know I'd walk a thousand miles If I could just see you tonight. Today is a special occasion in the life of this blog as this is the 1,000th post I've made to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You or ISGMSAY which is pronounced with a glottal diphthong. And if you have a glottal diphthong, keep it to yourself, you pervert.


And now....A BLAST FROM THE PAST!!
It's amazing how many things from my youth
still bug the hell out of me. One of those things
was the incredible set up and totally abysmal follow up
of the Stargrave saga in Legion of Super Heroes.
I'm a grown married man with a daughter.
You would think I would let go of that.
Yeah, you would think.
 

But....wow! 1,000 times I've come to this blog to share with the world my thoughts, my feelings, my deeply held beliefs in an effort to make people laugh and think and 1,000 times I've apparently decided to post something else. 

So what is so special about the number 1,000? Let's take a look at that but first....

HERE'S ANOTHER... BLAST FROM THE PAST!!



One of the regular bits I used to do to
entertain my readers waste time was
to "monkey" with word balloons on
the covers of DC's classic 1950's 

sci-fi series, Strange Adventures. 
How many of these re-worked covers 
involved gorillas and bananas? 
You might say too many. 
I say not quite enough.  


In case you're wondering, 1000 or one thousand is the natural number following 999 and preceding 1001. In most English-speaking countries, it is conventionally written with a comma separating the thousands unit, 1,000. But you know commas are free, right? Look even smarter and use more of them. Write it this way: 1,00,0. Now that's some outside the box thinking right there.  

A millennium is 1,000 years. The year 1,000 was the last year of the 1st millennium. So all those people who thought the year 2,000 was the start of a new millennium were idiots and we would tell them that except they're still locked in their Y2K bunkers.  


A grand is a slang term for one thousand units of a given currency such as dollars. So a grand piano is a $1,000 piano and a grand jury has a minimum bribe offer level of $1,000. 

 

A picture is worth a thousand words. But what if it's a picture of a thousand words? What would that picture be worth?


According to an ancient Japanese legend, anyone who folds a thousand origami cranes will be granted a wish by a crane. But what kind of wishes can a crane grant? I think they would mostly involve fish.


Our gripping review of the number 1,000 will continue after this special anniversary message from one of our sponsors.



_____________________________________


Hey there! Dwayne LaFontaine here from Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium, a proud sponsor of I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You! Congratulations to Dave-El on his 1,000th post to this blog thing and to celebrate, we've got 1,000 plain white unmarked vans... thanks to that idiot son-in-law of mine... that are priced to move! There are at least 1,000 illegal, immoral and ill-considered things you need to do and we have a van for everyone of them!

So come on down to Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium so we can get you in a van and then get you off our lot because we really don't want to be part of whatever stupid or lawless or evil thing you're gonna do!

But whatever it is you're gonna do, you're gonna need a van! 

_____________________________________

And we're back with our exciting look at the number 1,000!

  • There's a city in California called Thousand Oaks but I wonder if anyone has counted them lately. Maybe somebody snuck in and cut some down. Or even more insidiously, planted some extra oaks just to screw with their numbers. Are the people of Thousand Oaks, CA lying to us? Perhaps they are victims of their own self-deception. How can we believe them if nobody's keeping track of the trees? Seriously, is no one else bothered by this? IS ANYONE COUNTING THE TREES?!?!
  • A Thousand Miles was a 2002 song by Vanessa Carlton. You can find this song on Vanessa's album, A Thousand Miles: The Greatest Hits of Vanessa Carlton featuring such hits as A Thousand Miles and 11 more songs which are also A Thousand Miles.  


AND EVEN MORE....BLASTS FROM THE PAST!!

Over the course of these 1,000 posts,
some have been given over to
some strange series like this one:
It Came Thru Bruce Wayne's Window.
Every week for 10 weeks, I sent a variety
of things (other than a bat) through the
window of Wayne Manor to screw with
Bruce's destiny as a crimefighter.
And speaking of Batman...


Here is a drawing I did of the Caped Crusader.
Thanks to the abundant use of shadows and a flowing cape,
I don't have to worry about such mundane things
like hands or feet or a human face.  


Hey, what was happening in the year 1,000? Well, it is  believed that in or around this year, Norse explorer Leif Ericson became the first European to land in the Americas, at L'Anse aux Meadows, an early pretentious French restaurant with a 4 hour wait for a table and overpriced foods based on snails.  This was probably in modern-day Newfoundland; pretentious French restaurants don't advertise their actual address in an effort to keep out the riff-raff. Yes, that means you.

Nearly 500 years later, Christopher Columbus would get all the PR for "discovering America" which is a pretty big dick move on Chris's part since he had no idea where he was. Ericson wasn't that big of a dick about landing on the North American continent but then again he wasn't too impressed either. "This new land doesn't have the beautiful fjords of my home, dontcha know."

Here are some people who were born in the year 1,000.
  • Adalbert, Duke of Lorraine who later invented the Quiche Lorraine. Really.
  • Qawam al-Daula, ruler of Kerman and lead singer of Kerman's Kermits.
  • Yi Yuanji, Chinese painter famous for his realistic animal paintings. Which he accomplished by actually painting the animals themselves. One weird dude, that Yi Yuanji.
  • Constantine IX Monomachos, a Byzantine emperor and possibly also a Mexican wrestler. 
And here is the In Memorium for those we lost in 1,000.
  • Olaf I of Norway who was killed at the Battle of Svold when he fell off of a fjord. Fjord accidents are a leading cause of injury and death in Norway.
  • Abu-Mahmud al-Khujandi, Persian astronomer and mathematician 
  • Abu Sahl al-Quhi (Kuhi), Persian astronomer and mathematician. Apparently, being a Persian astronomer and mathematician was an extremely dangerous occupation
  • Ahmad ibn Fadlan, Arab writer and traveler who over a thousand years later is still stuck in line waiting to get through the TSA security check.
  • Al-Muqaddasi, Arab geographer
  • Ælfthryth, second or third wife (who can really keep count of these minor details?) of Edgar of England
  • Garcia IV of Pamplona who was just a derivative rehash of Garcia I through III. 
  • David III of Tao who was murdered by his nobles which means it was a high class affair. Who wants to be murdered by poor people?
  • Huyan Zan, Chinese general eating Chinese chicken and then his brain started ticking...
  • Hrosvit, Saxon nun who was mad at the other nuns who kept pronouncing her name as "Horse Shit".  

We'll have more of our awesome review of the number 1,000 but first, another special message from one of our blog sponsors on the occasion of this 1,000th post.

_____________________________________

Hello, readers! American Glory is proud to sponsor I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You! Way to go, Dave-El, on your 1,000th blog post! And we want to take this occasion to announce a new insurance policy from American Glory.


Have you ever gone into a room and forgot why you went in there? Do you have moments where you go blank on the name of the guy who hosts Family Feud even though he's on TV 15 times a day? Have you ever asked what's the phone number for 1-800-FLOWERS? These are called "brain farts" and they can be quite embarrassing.


But you don't have to worry about them anymore thanks to American Glory's Brain Fart  Liability Insurance Policy! For as little as $5.00 a month, we can insure you against not remembering Steve Harvey is the host of Family Feud.


We're American Glory! Whatever you need insurance for, we've got you covered.  

_____________________________________


Thank you, American Glory! Now back to our thrill-a-minute look at the number 1,000! 

But first...

YET ANOTHER.... BLAST FROM THE PAST!!



Once in a while, my cousin Kal-El will let me take
the super suit out for a spin.  


    The Thousand Islands constitute an archipelago of 1,864 islands that straddles the Canada-U.S. border in the Saint Lawrence River as it emerges from the northeast corner of Lake Ontario.  The Canadian islands are in the province of Ontario if that's all right with you, the U.S. islands in the state of New York if it's all the same to youse. 


    Oooh! Pretty!


    And in case you were wondering, yes, Thousand Island dressing comes from here. Residents of these islands tap the trees to produce a fresh supply of naturally produced Thousand Island dressing each spring.


    ONE LAST... BLAST FROM THE PAST!!


    A pic of me at Duke University
    in the winter of 2013. The brain

    specialists tell me my brain
    will have to come out! 




















    And that is that for this 1000th post here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You or ISGMSAY which is oddly enough also the name of a particularly breathtaking fjord in Norway. 

    This special 1,000th post has been brought to you by Plain White Unmarked Van Emporium and American Glory and is a production of I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Productions, a division of Dave-El Inc. No part of this post can be reproduced without the express written consent of Constantine IX Monomachos.  

    Thanks for popping by today and to my long time readers, seek immediate medical attention. Until next time, remember to be good to one another.  



    Making my way down town
    Walking fast
    Faces pass
    And I'm home bound

    Staring blankly ahead
    Just making my way
    Making a way
    Through the crowd

    And I need you
    And I miss you
    And now I wonder
    If I could fall
    Into the sky
    Do you think time
    Would pass me by
    'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
    If I could just see you, tonight

    It's always times like these
    When I think of you
    And I wonder If you ever think of me

    'Cause everything's so wrong
    And I don't belong
    Living in
    Your precious memory

    'Cause I need you
    And I miss you and now I wonder
    If I could fall
    Into the sky
    Do you think time
    Would pass me by, oh
    'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
    If I could just see you tonight

    And I, I don't want to let you know I,
    I drown in your memory I,
    I don't want to let this go
    I,I don't.

    Making my way down town walking fast
    Faces pass
    And I'm home bound

    Staring blankly ahead
    Making my way
    Making a way
    Through the crowd

    And I still need you
    And I still miss you
    And now I wonder
    If I could fall into the sky
    Do you think time, would pass us by
    'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
    If I could just see you, now

    If I could fall into the sky
    Do you think time would pass me by
    'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
    If I could just see you
    If I could just hold you, tonight.

    Songwriter: VANESSA CARLTON
    © Universal Music Publishing Group
    For non-commercial use only.
    Data From: LyricFind




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