Broken News For Friday, May 30th, 2014

Hello, everyone! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog with a heart.

Which is kind of gross as I have no idea what that heart is doing here, just lying around like that.

Dave-El here and it's FRIDAY which means its time for bROkEN nEWs, also known as I'm So Glad Your Suffering Amuses Me. 

If you don't know just what bROkEN nEWs is, that's OK; I don't quite understand it myself. 

But whatever it is, it's time to get it started in here in 5...

4...

3...

2...

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#BrokenNews  "Ex-Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer To Buy Clippers For $2B" Man, I was out bid by $1,999,999,995.37. Damn, I was so close!


#BrokenNews "GOP Candidate's Pro-Gun Robocall Went Out Day After Mass Shooting" Well, timing is everything.  


#BrokenNews "GOP Lawmaker: Gay Rep. Should Have Stayed In The Closet" Along with women in the kitchen, black people at the back of the bus and American Indians on the reservation. You know, just to keep everything organized.





#BrokenNews "7 States Running Out Of Water" But all have a surplus of bullshit so they've got that going for them.




#BrokenNews "White House Blows CIA Official's Cover" And this leads me to a new feature here on bROkEN nEWs...

Point/Counter Shut the Fuck Up! Point

Today's debate is between bROkEN nEWs and Fox News. 




Fox News:  This is an egregious action that threatens our national security, the like of which has never ever happened before in American history.

bROkEN nEWs:  Wait, what about that time when Scooter Libby was working for the Bush Administration....

Fox News: Nope, has never happened before.

bROkEN nEWs: Yeah, it has. Libby was accused of leaking Susan Plame's status as a CIA operative to...

Fox News: Never. Happened. Before.

bROkEN nEWs: Plame's CIA status was revealed to the New York Times and...

Fox News: La Dee Dah Dee Dah Dee Dee, not listening!

bROkEN nEWs: But...

Fox News: Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! NOT LISTENING!

And this has been bROkEN nEWs new feature...

Point/Counter Shut the Fuck Up! Point

And now back to the headlines!


#BrokenNews "Europe's New Google Rule Has Many Americans Angry And Confused" Well, to tell the truth, "angry and confused" is pretty much America's default setting.


#BrokenNews "French Far Right Stuns In European Election" I'm trying to imagine a far right French movement. Self righteous indignation paired with snobby elitism. What's not to love?


#BrokenNews "Fox News Contributor Blames Isla Vista CA Shooting On 'Homosexual Impulses'"  'Homosexual impulses'? Look, the sick bastard shot people, he didn't insult them with snarky comments on their poor fashion choices. 

#BrokenNews "Cop Allegedly Caught Masturbating In Starbucks" Dude, there are better ways to get extra cream for your double latte.



#BrokenNews "Pope's Powerful Prayer At The Separation Wall" Something about having to pee really bad.


#BrokenNews "Obama Makes It Easier Than Ever For Congress To Act On Immigration "  With NO money down and ZERO percent interest!



#BrokenNews "Cliven Bundy Leaves The Republican Party" Which is the very definition of a "win-win" scenario. 


#BrokenNews "Supreme Court: Florida Law Violates 'Nation's Commitment To Dignity'" I want to hear more about this 'commitment to dignity' thing after I finish these chili cheese fries while watching Real Housewives of New Jersey in my underwear.

Hey, speaking of dignity, it's time for another installment of...

AWKWARD MOMENTS

WITH 

MITCH MCCONNELL 

And this has been...

AWKWARD MOMENTS

WITH 

MITCH MCCONNELL 

And now back to the headlines!

#BrokenNews “Kerry: U.S. Will Start $5 Billion Anti-Terrorist Fund” Hey, John Kerry! I promise to not become a terrorist. Can I have some of that money now?

 

#BrokenNews“Deep Divide Splits Congressional Faction” The gulf between “little bit country” and “little bit rock ‘n’ roll” is wider than ever.

Uh oh! This looks like a job for the...

 

Department of Punchline Explanations:

1970’s Division  

Donny and Marie Osmond were brother and sister Mormons who sang love songs to each other and it was not at all creepy. Anyway, they had their own TV show and the opening theme had Marie proclaiming to be a “little bit country” (maybe) and Donny declaring himself to be a “little bit rock ‘n’ roll” (uh…no).

And the headlines roll on!

 

#BrokenNews “The Real Reason Snowden's In Russia” Travelocity sucks!

 

#BrokenNews “Why You Never See Ronald McDonald Eating McDonald's Food” Ronald replies, “Are you crazy?! Do you know what goes in that shit?!”

#BrokenNews “Joe The Plumber: 'Your Dead Kids Don't Trump My Constitutional Rights'”

Oh, man!  A comment this completely brain dead needs more than just one snarky comment. No, this requires a whole bunch of...

  

And away we go! 

• As a plumber, Joe knows a thing or two about being full of shit.
• Joe’s brain has sprung a leak.
• Joe’s mouth is like a broken toilet: it won’t stop running.
• Joe comes with hot and cold running stupidity.
• Joe proves there is something worse than raw sewage. 
• Joe's IQ comes in 2nd to a shower drain hair clog.
• The drip has lost his grip. 
• Joe's buttcrack shows even when his pants ain't sliding down.  
• Dead kids don't trump Joe's talent for being an asshole. 

 And this has been...

 

Preferred by 4 our of 5 dentists for their patients who chew snarks.

#BrokenNews "Woman Angered by Chicago's Potholes Plans to Fill Them Herself" She's got a dozen tuna casseroles that are just going to go waste so....


#BrokenNews "Obama 'Extremely Troubled' By VA Report " Apparently he found some spelling errors and some misuses of commas. 

Meanwhile, Fox News still looking at connecting the VA scandal to Benghazi. C'mon, Fox! You can do it!  

#BrokenNews “Pentagon Chief Orders Review Of Military's Health Care” He expects to get that report back, oh, any year now.

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And that brings to a close this week's edition of bROkEN nEWs! I suspect you have suffered enough.

And remember, the opinions and concerns of my readers are very important to me. So if there was any part of today's bROkEN nEWs that caused any offense, please bring it to the attention of our complaint department.

There. Don't you feel better?

___________________________________________________________

In two days: Doctor Who Weekend! 

Until then, be good to one another. 

It Came Thru Bruce Wayne's Window #2

Let's try this again. 

IT CAME THRU BRUCE WAYNE'S WINDOW! 

Bruce Wayne made a vow, a solemn vow.

A young boy who had watched his parents murdered 
by a criminal in an alley way, 
Bruce vowed to wage war on all criminals. 

He would dedicate his life and his resources to this quest. 

So Bruce turned all his attentions to the task at hand, 
of transforming his body into the pinnacle 
of physical conditioning, 

a strong and cunning fighter. 

And he focused his mind 
on the science and art of crime solving.  

Over the years, Bruce Wayne fashioned himself 
into the ultimate weapon 

against the forces of crime and evil. 

But Bruce still needed one last bit of guidance, a direction on how to purse his goals and keep his vow. 

Enter the Spectre!

The Spectre, created by Jerry Siegel & Bernard Baily

Once in a while, a bit of nostalgia overcomes me and I put pencil to paper to draw something.  When I was younger, I used to draw all the time. I was, like Salieri to Mozart, cursed to be good enough to be seen by non artistic types as being able to draw pretty good but lacking the actual skill or talent to be truly unique or gifted in that regard.

Most of my art relied on a lot of cheats. For example:

• Super heroes with energy blasting powers were a favorite because it kept me from having to draw pesky details like fingers.
• Super heroes with hands balled up into fists also kept me from having to deal with fingers.
• Batman was always a favorite to draw; draw an extra long flowing cape and toss on lots of shadows and voila, I was able to obscure most if not all of my shortcomings at drawing human anatomy.
• Heroes who could fly really fast? Speed lines took care legs and feet.
• The simpler the design, the better. Jim Lee, I am not.

Recently I had a moment of boredom so I took pencil to paper and sketched up a drawing of The Spectre.  A lot of good things for me there. A basic green and white design is the epitome of simplicity. His supernatural nature lends itself to shadows. And look how he's rising on of the dark ground is a swirling fog; yep, I don't have to draw feet. And of course since The Spectre is the God's angel of vengeance, his fists are clenched in righteous rage.

Now the drawing above does not look a simple pencil drawing and it isn't. I took the scan of my pencil drawing and ran it through Microsoft Paint to add colors and shading.

I have to admit it was a lot of fun revisiting this sort of thing and maybe I'll post some more of these in the future. I have a portfolio somewhere of some of my "classic" stuff I would love to dig out and look back over.

But if there is a lesson here, it's this. I think all of us has some kind of art that we can bring us joy. Maybe it isn't that good, objectively speaking. But if it gives you joy, that's reward enough.

Y'all be good to one another.

Dave-El

I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You



Amended 5/30/2014: 

Here's the original pencil sketch.

Yes ALL Of Us

It is always... I'm going to say "disturbing" but it lacks the power to convey how I really feel. But for now, lacking a better word, I'll go with that.

 

Let's start again.

 

It is always disturbing to me when some nut case decides to take the lives of people with the rationale of righting some perceived wrong, of meting out some perverted sense of justice, to strike back against imagined oppressors. 
 




Several weeks ago, an old man with a mad on at Jews decides to go to a Jewish community center and a Jewish retirement home to take out some Jews. The fact that the three people this asshole killed weren't even Jewish only served to underscore just how out of touch this moron was. But no matter the religion of the victims, in the end, three people died suddenly and violently because this brainless twit decided that his perceived problems with society could be addressed with a gun.

 

Another anti-Semitic nut case raised his ugly head today in Belgium when people were shot and killed at a Jewish museum.

 

This weekend saw a horrible outburst of violence and death in Isla Vista, CA where a guy with a gun decided to use that gun (and a knife as well) to answer the perceived menace of a specific group of people: women. Yep, this idiot's hatred was for half the planet.

 

Per Elliot Rodger's manifesto, "My Twisted World: The Story of Elliot Rodger," he recorded every slight, insult and humiliation  he reportedly suffered "at the hands of humanity, particularly women." By the way, Rodger had spent nearly his whole life in therapy and being treated for mental illness. Well, duh! This guy had problems, let's be clear on that. But let's be clear on this too: this guy with problems was able to LEGALLY purchase the guns he had in his possession and used in his killing spree. 


(I'm sure the NRA will point out he was also able to legally procure the knife he used to stab his roommates. I'm sure some talking dickhead on Fox News will have made that point by the time I post this.) 

 

The fact is, whether the issue is anti-Semitism, racism, bigotry towards gays, misogyny or any other variety of fucked up ways of thinking that exist, it is too easy for people to put their darker impulses to action. It's too fucking easy to get a gun!

 

The father of one of the shooting victims of Isla Vista laid it square on the line when he asked between the tears shed for his fallen son, "When will this insanity stop?"  He forcefully accused "craven politicians" giving in to the NRA of complicity in his son's death.

 

So far, the NRA has kept its trap shut; trust me, that will not last long. And when a voice is raised for the gun lobby, it will be a demand for the usual:

 

• Better enforcement of the laws we have now, we don't need new laws.
• More people should have guns to defends themselves against people like Elliot Rodger.
• Gun laws don't stop people from being shot by guns. Look at Belgium.

 

Hey, let's look at Belgium. Yep, Belgium...and indeed, most of Europe...have way stronger gun regulations and laws than we do in the US. And yet people in Belgium were shot. So why bother with gun laws if people are going to get killed by guns anyway? Well, that argument was, is and will always be bullshit.  Why have laws against theft if people are going to steal anyway? Why have speed limits if people are going to drive too fast anyway?

 

No, strong gun laws do not guarantee safety from guns. We found that out today in Belgium.  Months ago, Norway found it out the hard way. But here's the thing: these are aberrations. I imagine those hurt by the loss of those killed in gun attacks in Europe will have a chance to bury their loved ones and mourn their loss before the next set of killings occur.

 

Meanwhile, here in the US, while we're still reeling from the horrific deaths in Isla Vista, CA, there this headline: Twelve Shot in Less Than 10 Hours in Chicago .  Meanwhile in Myrtle Beach SC, there are 3 dead and 5 others wounded. Americans have almost no chance to contemplate the horrors of violent death in one place before we have to deal with it somewhere else. Which would make sense if we were in a war zone. But we're not, are we?

 

Certainly the events of Isla Vista brought home in a very disturbing (there's that word again) fashion that women in 21st century America certainly seem to be under assault, both metaphorically and literally. Some of the more heated rants in Elliot Rodger's manifesto target women with a misogynist's unfettered rage and too many women recognized this twisted view, having seen it in too many other men who may not have expressed their warped opinions of women in a volley of bullets but with the back of a hand in the bedroom or the knife to the throat in an alleyway.




And too many times of late, it seems what isn't being done by violence is being done under the cover of law. Women denied control over their own health, having to describe if a rape was truly "forcible" or "legitimate".




In response to Elliot Rodger's rant and indeed under the pressure of some many other injustices women have had to endure, #YesAllWomen began trending on Twitter. It was an outpouring of rage and frustration but not in violence or hatred but in the very civilized act of having their voices heard. 




A lot of what was posted under this hashtag was eye opening to me. No, I wasn't unaware of the things women have to put up with but it was illuminating to see just how pervasive these frustrations are.  The idea of something as mundane as riding a subway or walking to your car is fraught with a very real sense of peril on an ongoing basis is a daunting thing to contemplate. 




Of course, as with most things on the internet, the honest expressions of pain and frustrations felt by women were met by the defensive retort that "all men are not like that".  No, all men are NOT like that. Not all white people are racists. Not all straight people have anti-gay bias. But there are those who do. And in the 21st century, even if that number is barely a percentage of a percentage, that's still enough to make someone's life a living hell. Or a deliver a sudden violent end.




And when any part of our society is threatened, we are all threatened. Remember the guy who hated Jews but wound up killing non-Jews. Elliot Rodger's hatred of women took the lives of men as well as women.  In a modern world, where the hate filled thoughts of small minded people have no place, we must stand together and stand up for each other. #YesAllWomen is a vitally important outlet of expression. But what hurts any one group of people hurts us all.


Yes, All Of Us.


Dave-El
I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You


__________________________________


Below is a famous poem that underscores more than ever how much it is vital we look out for each other because in doing so, we act to protect ourselves. 

"First They Came for the Jews"
By Pastor Niemoller

First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for the Communists and I did not speak out because I was not a Communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for me and there was no one left to speak out for me.

More than ever, guys and gals, please be good to one another.

Doctor Who Weekend: I Just Need My Space...Suit

ITEM! 

Last week I was bemoaning what I perceived as a paucity of information about what's up with Series 8 of Doctor Who. Well, this week saw the release of some photos of Peter Capaldi wearing a rather familiar outfit. 

Space travel is so bright, we gotta wear shades!

Oh, look! Jenna Coleman has a matching space suit. How cute is that? 


The orange space suit first made its appearance worn by David Tennant as the 10th Doctor. Matt Smith's 11th Doctor took a turn in the ruddy colored space ensemble in Series 7. So now it's the 12th Doctor's turn. 

No offense to David or Matt but I do hope the suit gets cleaned between wearings.

Of course, the big thing was the release of this teaser clip for Series 8 where we get to see the shadowed form of Peter Capaldi as the 12th Doctor.

WE NEED MORE!

 
ITEM! 

If you have a hankering for a Doctor Who/Futurama mash-up with Fry as the 10th Doctor and Zoidberg as an Ood, lucky for you, I found this. 

"I'll sing you to your sleep."
 "Nah, I'm not tired! Hey, snow! Real honest to goodness...wait! Alien cotton balls?!" 

ITEM! 

Are cats aware of Doctor Who? It seems this cat is! 

No wonder the Doctor is scared of cats! 

                                                   

OK, so the clock is ticking for real, counting down to Series 8 and the new Doctor. By next week's Doctor Who Weekend, maybe we'll see some actual clips of the Doctor in action.


Until then, be good to one another.



  

Broken News for Friday, May 23, 2014

A-hoy there, mateys! The tides of the internet have brought you ashore to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You. I'm Dave-El and my life, my love and my lady is the sea. 

Whatever. 

So it's Friday (YAY! FRIDAY!) and that means it's time for a new edition of bROkEN nEWs! (YAY! BROKEN...wait! What?).  

Before we get started, let me remind you that the views expressed in bROkEN nEWs!  do not reflect any thoughtful or serious consideration on my part and should not be duplicated without signed permission from a trained psychiatric professional. 


So let's get this show on the road in 5...

4...

3...

2...

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#BrokenNews "Tennessee Gov. Signs Bill To Allow Electric Chair" And if THAT doesn't work, don't forget stoning is still an option. 

#BrokenNews "Congressmen Defend Repairing Oil Pipes With Trash Bags And Duct Tape" Hey, somebody's been reading my new book, "Trash Bags & Duct Tape: Fixin' Things Around the House the Dave-El Way!"  

#BrokenNews "Vegas and Cincinnati Withdraw From RNC Hosting " Turns out Las Vegas has standards. Really, who knew? 

Meanwhile, Cincinnati realized it has a...thing, yeah, a thing, like totally forgot about it so Cincinnati won't be home to host the Republicans. Sorry.  

#BrokenNews "Largest Dinosaur Ever Discovered" It's called network television. 


#BrokenNews "Karl Rove Digs In Deeper " Some old chewing gum, spare change...c'mon, he's sure his soul is down there somewhere, right? 


#BrokenNews "Top Aide: Obama 'Madder Than Hell' Over Veterans Affairs Allegations" Obama: "The President should do something about this! Oh shit, that's still me, isn't it?"  

#BrokenNews "Romney Comes To Obama's Defense" "Hello, maintenance? Yeah, Satan here! What the fuck's going on with all this ice down here?" 


#BrokenNews "Pat Sajak slams climate change advocates " C'mon, Pat, the polar ice caps AND Vanna's plastic surgery are melting! MELTING!


#BrokenNews "NY Times Publisher Praises Ousted Editor's Press Advocacy" He also added, "And hey, wasn't she a great sport for working for less money than a man, huh? Wait! What? Uh oh." 


And now....

AWKWARD MOMENTS

 WITH MITCH MCCONNELL

And this has been....

AWKWARD MOMENTS

 WITH MITCH MCCONNELL

Now back to the headlines! 

#BrokenNews "Facebook Reportedly Developing Its Own Snapchat" Just like regular Snapchat except it will suck even more. 


#BrokenNews "There May Be Fungus In Our Coffee!" There may be coffee in our fungus! What about that? Doesn't a man deserve to have some coffee free fungus once in a while? 

#BrokenNews "Pantsless At Waffle House" If you're not wearing pants at Waffle House, where are you supposed to keep your guns? (Don't answer that!) 


#BrokenNews "Bacon Better Than Sex?" Yes. 


#BrokenNews "Dick Cheney: Obama Is 'Weak'" Dick's just pissed caused he's not getting any bacon.


Now it's time for a...

bROkEN nEWs eXpOsE!

#BrokenNews "The NSA Is Recording Almost Every Cell Phone Call In The Bahamas" There are a remarkably large number of calls involving daiquiris.  


#BrokenNews "Thai coup could hurt tourism" Shit! If you can't go to Thailand, where can we go to fuck whores?! Oh right: everywhere.  


#BrokenNews "NSA Admits To 'Blurring The Lines' Between Terrorism And Drugs" Resolves to contact Blurred Lines expert Robin Thicke for a consultation.*

*Like, that punchline's so last summer, y'know!


__________________________


And that's that for this week's bROkEN nEWs! Check back here in two days for Doctor Who Weekend and back here next week for more bROkEN nEWs!


Meanwhile, y'all be good to one another, 'kay? And be good to yourself too, while you're at it. You are a worthwhile individual and...you know, if you need a boost to your self esteem, try this: