Bananas Be Thy Name

 So you know what this means! 

Yep, it's a....

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We're back up and running tomorrow with a comic book themed post.

Until next time, remember to be good to one another. 

Tuesday TV Touchbase: The Vampire Lestat

This weekend brought to a conclusion the lastest season of the Interview With A Vampire saga, The Vampire Lestat.

While the title change indicates the change in focus from Louis de Pointe du Lac to Lestat de Lioncourt, the shadow of all that occurred before still looms large over what is happening now.

Such as the terrible fate of their daughter Claudia.

After presumably killing Lestat at the end of season 1, Louis and Claudia booked it to Paris in the 1940's and became involved with a vampire community called the Théâtre des Vampire. Louis gets a new lover and mentor in the form of the Vampire Armand. 

Spoiler: Lestat ain't dead and was a patron of the Théâtre des Vampire. For Claudia's role in trying to murder their patron, the Parisian community sentence her and her vampire lover Madeline to death by sunlight.  

It was a horrible, violent death and watching a defiant Claudia, along with Madeline, crumble into dust is a terrible scene that remains burned into my memory. 

And Louis's biographer Daniel Malloy puts things together that Lestat was not the enemy Louis and Claudia thought he was and it was Armand who was working against Louis. 

Daniel completes and publishes his book "Interview With A Vampire" and gets turned into a vampire by Armand and that brings us to The Vampire Lestat. 

The Vampire Lestat is frontman for a punk rock band called "The Vampire Lestat".  He's on a bus tour of a various mid-sized venues, building a small but devoted cult following. 

Lestat is tapping into centuries of pain, loss, longing, desire, rage, guilt, yadda yadda yadda crafting songs for his big kick ass album.

Lestat is also in a love/hate/obsesssive/sexual relationship with his mother, the Vampire Sofia. Yes, Lestat is fucking his mother and we could try to explain it or just go with Lestat's excuse,"It's different for vampires." 

When Louis finds out about this relationship, he will not agree that "it's different for vampires." 

SIDE NOTE: Jennifer Ehle who plays Sofia was born in Winston-Salem, NC and attended the North Carolina School of the Arts.  

Louis, using various aliases, has built an empire of property, think Monopoly but with actual hotels and also vampires.  Louis has discovered Regina, a diner waitress who looks like Claudia. Louis acually pays Regina to pretend to be Claudia. 

In the background of all this is Armand who is up to sketchy shit, slyly plotting against Louis and Lestat. Helping him with all that is Daniel Malloy.

And the big thing rumbling through the vampire community at large is something called the Great Conversion, a plan to bolster the number of vampires in the world.  

And there's the Talamasca, a secret society that's trying to navigate the perils of a world with vampires and witches in it.

That is a LOT to keep track off.  

OK, back to Louis and Regina...

Regina's read the "Interview With A Vampire" book and gets the details right but this doesn't provide the closure Louis is looking for regarding his guilt over Claudia's fate.

So Louis and Lestat arrange a meeting with a Mayfair Witch (oh, do I need to start watching Mayfair Witches?) to conduct a seance.  The witch sommons the spirit of Claudia and she is not happy. At all.  Most of her rage is directed at Louis.

Yeah, Lestat is a total prick but he never hid that. But Louis tried to pretend he was better than that and it's his fault Claudia was condemned to existence as a vampire.  

Also wherever Claudia's soul has been since her death in Paris 80 years before, Madeline was not there with her and she's not here in now and this really pisses off Claudia as she screams Madeline's name before vanishing.  

Well, that was a lot. Sitting on a park bench, processing what they just witnessed, Lestat and Louis chat with a warm and gentle familiarity. Perhaps there's an actual chance for our gay vampire couple. 

Until Armand and Daniel slice their heads off. 

Wait! Who did what to who how now? 

Which brings us to the season finale.

Armand has Louis's head and his body hooked to wires and shit in a makeshift lab while he torments and tortures him. He also has Lestat's body but not his head.

Lestat's head is buried in Daniel's bowling bag.  Inside his dying brain, Lestat is put on trial by manifestations of his maker Magnus, Sofia, Louis, others he had turned into vampires over the centuries.  They accuse him of squandering his vampire existence and condemn him as a failure.  

Lestat asserts himself against his accusers.  If he is a failure, it means he tried to do something with his life.  

I can't begin to summarize or analyze these twin torments that the severed heads of Louis and Lestat endure.

Let's just cut to the end and Louis and Lestat get their heads sewn back on.  

The episode ends with Lestat looking out from a balcony as the sun rises on a burned and shattered world. 

The Great Conversion went too far? That's a question for another season.

If Interview With A Vampire felt more (for lack of a better word) grounded, The Vampire Lestat leans harder into absurdity, with Lestat's drama queen rock star and the growing threat of an exposed vampire community demanding more than a furtive existence in the shadows.  Add in some full on mad scientist shit (Lestat and Louis spend time as just heads and then get them sewed back on to their bodies? Really?) and The Vampire Lestat is a wild and chaotic ride.  

I'll be honest, I'm not sure I understood it all but damn, I had a blast trying to hang on to whatever this was. 

That is that for this week's Tuesday TV Touchbase!

Next week: Spider Noir! 

Until next time, remember to be good to one another and try to keep it down in there, would ya? I'm trying to watch TV over here.   

 

A Matter of Priorities

Hello! Regrettably, today's post is about Donald Trump.

After Spain defeated Argentina 1-0, Trump showed up at New York's MetLife Stadium at the FIFA World Cup final to present the trophy and ruin everyone's fun.

Let me quote what the crowd had to say about that:

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

¡Felicidades a España por ganar la final de la Copa del Mundo!

Anyway....

On with the regularly scheduled program.   

Last week, Li'l Donnie Trump decided to put on his Presidentin' Pants and stake out some prime real estate on television to present a message from the White House on a matter of utmost importance.  

Whine like a bitch about the 2020 election.  

You might think Trump's war with Iran that's spinning out of control would be something to command his attention but from what I can tell, that little dust up he started in the Middle East? Yeah, he's bored with that. Despite the continual loss of American lives.  (At least 3 U.S. service members were killed this weekend.) 

Hey, remember how all the MAGA faithful fell in line for their lord and savior because shit cost too much in 2024? And how he promised that he alone would could make prices come down? And now in 2026, shit costs MORE?  Hey, you dumb motherfuckers, that shit ain't on Li'l Donnie's radar.  

His delusional mind tells him he has created a goddam golden age of America and everything is great and wonderful and your hamburger costs LESS no matter what your eyes tell you at the grocery store.

Trump's net worth has grown exponentially since he returned tot the White House with all the insider trading and foreign entities buying up his goddam bitcoin to curry favor and influence. For Li'l Donnie himself, I guess it has been a fucking golden age. 

You have to pay more for food and gas? Fuck you!

der Führer has more important things on his mind.   

Someone as "wonderful" and "perfect" as himself could not have lost the election in 2020.  

He could not have disappointed his dead daddy by losing an election. 

So he clings to his fantasy that big ol' meanies took his precious election victory from him to make him look bad.

The vaunted address to the nation offered nothing new, just more spewing of his baseless accusations of a rigged election. 

Trump claimed he declassified a bunch of documents that would prove his point.

These documents were posted on the White House website and...  well, I'll be damned those documents do have some information about election interference.

• By the Russians.
• To make Joe Biden looked a like a criminal. 
• And help Trump win.

Gee, Li'l Donnie did NOT mention that in his speech.  

Trump did mention China and the docs do reference China's intent to put their thumb on the scale of our electoral process because they really did not want Trump to win.

But those some documents provide nothing to show China acted on that intent. 

Did Donald Trump not read these documents first?

Don't be silly! Of course he didn't. 

Poor li'l Donnie can't read.  

Another things these documents do not do is point to any of the alleged weaknesses in election security that Trump whines about that he claims "Dumocrats" use to steal elections. 

Trump takes out the "B" in "dumb" because he says people don't know there's a "B" in "dumb".   

Well, I guess his people might not know that.

Trump used his speech to again push for the Senate to vote for the SAVE Act and abolish the filibuster if that's what it takes to pass it.  

Would it surprise you there is nothing in this so-called "evidence" Trump presented that alludes to any of the problems the SAVE Act is supposed to address? 

The SAVE Act would require proof of citizenship to register to vote and severely curtail conviences to citizens like mail in voting.  

People on both sides of the aisle have looked into this and all come away with fairly consistent conclusions: our election system is quite secure and when people do try to do something they're not supposed to, that system is pretty damn good at catching them.    

When I say "both sides of the aisle", I do need to caution there are the persistent Trump loyalists like Utah Sen. Mike Lee who heard Trump's rambling rant Thursday night and is all hyped up to get the SAVE Act passed in order to appease his beloved patron saint of MAGA.  

Who cares if the SAVE Act is solving a problem that does not exist? To Sen. Lee and others like him, Trump is his lord and shepherd and if Trump says it is a problem, then it is a problem!

And if the SAVE Act makes der Führer, then by God Trump, let's pass the SAVE Act! 

Trump took time on American television Thursday night to rail against a problem that doesn't exist. 

There is only a problem at all because Donald Trump is a lying, petulant, bullying, unintelligent, sociopathic, dishonorable, treasonous, gutless, moronic, heartless, soulless, slimy, loathsome, vile, incompetent, psychotic, crooked, disgusting, reprehensible, revolting, horrible, malicious, obnoxious, hateful, narcissistic, small-minded, despicable god damn, motherfucking piece of shit.  

It's a matter of priorities and your priorities are not his because what's important to most American citizens means fuck all to Donald J. Trump. 

And to quote the crowd at the FIFA World Cup final:

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

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Star Trekking With Doctor Who

It's another edition of Star Trekking, my regular blog post devoted to my Star Trek fandom.

As you can see from the additional graphic below, my other fandom is visiting today, Doctor Who.

Today's topic is Star Trek crossing over with Doctor Who?

Can it happen?

According to Akiva Goldsman, showrunner for Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, he was certainly trying to make it happen.  

In ST: SNW season 3's "The Sehlat Who Ate Its Tail", there is a blink and you'll miss it image of the TARDIS caught with the Enterprise by a scavenger ship.

Also the Enterprise's engineer Commander Pelia (Carol Kane) obliquely referenced accompanying a "time travelling doctor".

While discussing the Doctor's Easter Egg appearance in Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, Goldsman said he had been actively working with Russell T. Davies on pulling together a crossover.  

Goldsman said, “We were trying with Russell to do a crossover. We were for years. Again, these are the near misses, but we got not unclose, and we had some really cool conversations about it. And so, certainly in our view, I mean, Pelia traveled in the TARDIS. Why not?"

Russell T Davies has expressed his desire to make a crossover happen: "We would love to announce a crossover between Star Trek and Doctor Who!"   

"If anyone can make that happen... it’s fans that can make that happen! Two great big broadcasters, two great big empires – and their lawyers! – would have to come together, but we can do that, can’t we?"

Well, no! 

Does the BBC and Paramount not want our money? 

With both Star Trek AND Doctor Who not in active production, the chance of any kind of in canon crossover is very remote at this time.  

Where TV shows may not enter, comic books will not fear to tread.  

And where comics book dare to tred, some questionable fan fiction can certainly muck about.  

In the Doctor Who episode "Space Babies", in which the Fifteenth Doctor (Ncuti Gatwa) declares to companion Ruby Sunday (Millie Gibson) that they should visit the Enterprise sometime.

Ruby knows them as characters in a TV show.  The Doctor knows them to be real. 

That was in 2024.  

But 11 years before that, this was sort of the premise of a little something-something I wrote and posted back on Sunday, May 26,2013.  

The Doctor Meets Captain Kirk

The Doctor Meets Captain Kirk

______________________________________________

Scene opens: the TARDIS console room as the 10th Doctor 

makes adjustments and Rose scrolls through data on a monitor.

Doctor: So, Rose, has the TARDIS database provided any inspiration where...or when...we should go next?

Rose: It's so overwhelming, all these choices. Still, after that

 mess with the Ood and the Beast, I think I can narrow down our search towards a...little...rest and relaxation.

Doctor: (leans against the console with a blissful smile) Ah, 

rest and relaxation. (Then he makes a face) Nyah! C'mon, Rose! Find some place exciting.

Rose: How about this place? Dahlforius Six seems interesting.

Doctor: Oh! Oh! Yes, Rose, I haven't been to Dahlforius Six in...in...centuries! Lots of fun stuff to do!

Rose: "Fun stuff", Doctor?

Doctor (pulls back a bit on his excitement): I can do fun stuff if I want to.

Rose (looking back at the read out): What are Vapor Jet Falls?

Doctor: Oh, what a rush, Rose! It is the most amazing ride! 

(pauses a second) Well, you just have to watch out for the odd mountain.

Rose: Odd mountain?

Doctor: There's this mountain that's quite...odd. Has some 

kind of personality disorder.

Rose: Doctor, how can a mountain..?

Suddenly the TARDIS lurches sideways as the time rotor slows down.

Rose and the Doctor (standing wobbily before falling to the 

floor): Whooaaaa!

Rose (slowly picking herself up off the floor): What was that, Doctor?

Doctor (springing to his feet and lunging towards the TARDIS console): Not sure. Finding out. It's OK, everything's going to be just fine.

Rose: I'm fine, Doctor. Don't worry about (she stops when she realizes the Doctor was talking to the TARDIS as he strokes the console) ...okay.

Doctor (still talking to the TARDIS): C'mon, old girl, what's got 

you in such a tizzy? Oh, there's the trouble.

Rose: What is it?

Doctor: Appears we're in the wake of a passing spaceship 

travelling at warp speed. Oh, warp speed? How quaint. Unfortunately, the TARDIS's temporal phase harmonics were 

out of sync with the bisecting warp field differential resulting in a spatial temporal incursion...

Rose: Doctor, can you put all that in English, please?

The Doctor turns to Rose as if to speak, then pauses for a 

moment's thought.

Doctor: Ah, no. No, I can't. Sorry. Anyway, it won't take long to 

get the TARDIS in proper working order but we will need to 

land for a few minutes. I can coax a short hop out of her.

Rose: Where're we going to land?

Doctor: Oh, I was thinking about...borrowing a lift from that 

passing spaceship. Well, they...whoever they are...caused all this trouble. It seems only fair.

Rose: We could be heading for more trouble.

Doctor (grinning broadly): Rose, we're always heading for more trouble. Still, a few minutes rest and we'll be on our way. I'll make sure to materialize somewhere inconspicuous.

As the TARDIS dematerializes where it was floating in space, the scene shifts ahead to catch up with the spaceship.

The ship...is the Starship Enterprise, model 1701, flagship of 

the Federation. And our point of view passes through the top 

of the ship and on to the bridge. Captain Kirk is signing off on a computer pad as Scotty enters the bridge.

Scotty: Aye, Captain, that strange disruption in the warp field 

has gone away.

Kirk: Thank you, Mister Scott. Mister Spock! Analysis!

Spock: There is very little to give, Captain. The sensors 

detected a faint pulse of energy that I did not recognize. 

Whatever it was, it has vanished completely from our sensors.

Kirk: So maybe we just a hit a pebble in the road.

Spock: A pebble in the...

Kirk: Never mind, Spock. Mr. Sulu, steady as she goes, 

warp factor 2.

Sulu: Yes, Captain, warp factor two.

Kirk: Uhura, send a message to...Starfleet Command that the Enterprise is.....

Spock: Captain! The sensors are reading that unknown energy again. It's a stronger reading this time. And (Spock looks up from his station) it is heading for the Enterprise!

Kirk: Mister Sulu, screen on.

Sulu: Screen on, sir.

Kirk: Spock, can we...lock in coordinates, get a visual on this energy?

Spock: Captain, I surmise that...

Uhura: Captain, what is that strange noise?

Kirk: That...noise! Coming from everywhere...and nowhere. I've...never heard anything like it.

Spock: Captain, it seems the source of the energy..

Uhura: Captain Kirk! Look!

By the ship's flight console, the bridge crew sees a shimmering of color and light, feel a wind that is not entirely made of air and the growing sound that defies their ability to describe it. The shimmering becomes a shape and the noise suddenly ends with a 

loud "thunk".

Spock: The source of the energy has come here.

On the bridge of the Starship Enterprise, there now stood a quaintly designed blue box.

Sulu: "Police Box"? What's that?

Kirk (turning towards Spock): Analysis?

Spock (arching an eyebrow): Your guess is, as they say on 

Earth, as good as mine.

And inside the blue box, the TARDIS, the Doctor runs both 

his hands through his unruly hair while looking at the 

monitor showing the Enterprise bridge crew as Rose smirks, 

her back to the monitor.

Rose: Somewhere...inconspicuous, you said.

Doctor: Yeah, well, you know.

Rose: So, this is the part where I say, "What now, Doctor?"

Doctor: Well, the TARDIS still needs a little more time to 

finish recalibrating. And since I'm not familiar with this 

culture and I have no idea what their weaponry is...

Rose: You're going to talk to them.

Doctor (throwing on his long coat over his suit): I'm going to 

talk to them. The TARDIS only needs a few minutes more 

but there's no telling what kind of trouble they might cause out 

there in that time unless someone comes out and says 

"Hello". Rose, stay here. (The Doctor exits.)

Rose: Yeah, like that'll happen. Let me grab my jacket and...

(Rose looks at the monitor and sees the bridge crew for the first time.) They look familiar. Wait a minute! (Rose eyes go wide.) 

No way!

Meanwhile outside the TARDIS, the Doctor slips through the 

front door and is immediately greeted by Starfleet officers 

aiming phasers at him.

Doctor (grinning widely): Oh, hello!

Kirk: Who are...

Doctor (immediately starts roaming around the bridge): Wow! 

What a spaceship you've got here! Lots of lights and colors! Gleaming metal!

Kirk: Will you...

Doctor: Very sleek! Now this is a proper spaceship! Oh, some 

of the relics I've been on lately...

Kirk (very forcefully): WHO are you and WHAT are you doing on MY starship?
 
Doctor (stops, drops the grin): Oooh, sorry. I tend to gab a bit. 

I'm the Doctor.

Kirk: Doctor who?

Doctor (grinning again): Just the Doctor. (Pulls out psychic 

paper) You will see my credentials are in order.

Sulu: Captain, he's with the Senior Admiral's office!

Spock: No, Mr. Sulu, he is not.

Uhura: But we can see his identification...

Spock: Our visitor is holding a piece of paper with psychic 

attributes somehow imbedded in...

Rose (comes out of the TARDIS, excited, looks wide eyed at Spock): It IS you!

Kirk: And who...is this?

Doctor: Er, Rose. Rose Tyler. Sorry. Rose, I said to stay...

Rose (pointing at Spock): But that's Spock!

Doctor (puzzled): What? Who?

Rose: Yes, that's Spock and that's Uhura and Scotty and Sulu. 

And the Captain of the Startship Enterprise, James T Kirk.

Kirk: How do you know who...we are?

Doctor (equally incredulous): Yes, that's what I like to know. 

We just got here.

Rose (exasperated with the Doctor): They're from the TV 

show, Star Trek. Mickey and I used to watch it all the time 

when we were kids.

Scotty: TV show? What pray tell are you talking about, lassie!

Sulu: Could this be a Romulan plot?

Spock: Not very likely, Mr. Sulu.

Doctor: This is NOT a television program, Rose.

Rose (rolling her eyes): Of course not, Doctor. No cameras, no studio lights. But still...

Kirk: Doctor, I want some straight answers and...I want 

them now.

Doctor: A most sensible suggestion, Captain...?

Rose: Kirk.

Doctor: Yes, Kirk! Well, Captain Kirk, we're just travelers and 

our vessel, my TARDIS, was damaged when....wait! 

(looks back at Rose) Did I just say Captain Kirk?

Rose: Yeah!

Doctor: Wow! Rose, you were right! They are...

Kirk: Doctor?!

Doctor: Yes, right, straight answers. Well...Captain Kirk...

we're just travelers and.... (The Doctor suddenly moves 

forward and shakes Kirk's hand) Oh, I must say what a thrill 

and an honor to meet-

Suddenly the TARDIS makes a quick VWORP noise and 

the light on top starts to flash.

Rose: Um, Doctor?

Doctor: Oh good! The TARDIS has finished recalibrating! 

Sorry for barging in like this. We'll just run along and 

I'll have this off your carpeting...ooh, a starship with carpeting...

Rose (smiling brightly and waving): Bye. It was fantastic meeting you for real. Oh, Mr. Spock?

Spock: Yes?

Rose (gives the Vulcan salute): Live long and prosper!

Spock gives the salute back, with a nod. Rose smiles and winks, then goes inside the TARDIS, leaving Spock arching a bemused eyebrow.

Doctor: Yeah, what she said. Alon-zy! (And he ducks inside the TARDIS which begins to dematerialize, then vanishes.)

Kirk: What...what is...going on here, Spock?

Spock: Inconclusive. But I estimate the probability at 92% 

that the Doctor and Rose were in fact who they said they were: merely a pair of travelers who were temporarily sidetracked 

to our ship. And quite probably, they were also...

Scotty: Bonkers?

Uhura: Mad?

Sulu: Off their rockers?

Spock: I believe the human idiom that comes closest to fairly 

and accurately describing their mental state would be..koo-koo.

Kirk: Koo-koo, Mister Spock?

Spock: It is the most logical assessment I can make

Uhura: Do you wish me to send word to Starfleet Command 

about-

Kirk: No, I...don't think so.

Spock: Captain, I am fascinated by their assertion that the 

Doctor and Rose recognized us from a fictional entertainment program.

Kirk: I...would not worry about that, Spock. As you say...koo-koo. In fact, I think...it might be best if we ...don't...mention this again.

Whole bridge crew murmurs their ascent.

Spock: A pebble in the road, Captain?

Kirk: Yes, Mr. Spock. Just a pebble in the road. Full ahead, Mr. Sulu; warp factor three.

Inside the TARDIS.

Rose: Doctor, how can there really be a Captain Kirk and an Enterprise and a Mister Spock in real life when they're just 

fictional characters on a TV show?

Doctor: Well, quantum variations in temporal mechanics 

in parallel to...

Rose: Just say you don't know.

Doctor (lowers voice as if embarrassed): I don't know.

Rose: Doctor, I was wondering: is it possible that somewhere 

our lives are just a TV show?

Doctor: What? A TV show about a daft old man in a box 

travelling randomly through time and space with a young 

female companion while always getting into trouble? 

(The Doctor pauses a moment. Then...) Nyah! Who would 

want to watch that?

Voice over: Annnnd..cut!

Scene shifts to a man with a head set standing next to a camera surrounded by more cameras, other TV equipment and various workers.

Director: And that's a wrap on another episode of Doctor Who. David and Billie, great job as always.

Billie: Thank you!

David (Scottish accent): Always a pleasure.

Director: Heads up, though. Russell's all frantic. Julie just 

told him we're over-budget on the last episode so Russell's 

doing a last minute re-write on the next one.

David: Uh oh! This won't be pretty!

Billie: Ooh boy! Russell and re-writes..brrrr! David, we 

best make ourselves scarce.

David: Right! Yeah, we can't stick around. I've got this...thing...

Billie: Yeah, me too. I've got a...thing too...

David & Billie: 'Bye!

David & Billie rush off in different directions as our view 

moves over to a cluster of equipment where, obscured from everyone else's view, is the Doctor and Rose.

Doctor (not happy): Well, that's rubbish! That...that doesn't even look like me!

Rose (also not happy): My butt is not that big.

Doctor: Well, you know what they say, Rose?

Rose: What's that, Doctor?

Doctor: That's show biz!

The Doctor aims his sonic screwdriver at the screen, then the screen goes black.

---fade out---

????^^^^????^^^^????^^^^????^^^^

For Doctor Who stuff, I've got a post forthcoming of Doctor Who Is CLASSIC! 

Jon Pertwee is the Doctor for one last epic adventure! 

It's "Planet of the Spiders!"

For Star Trek stuff, the 4th season of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds will premiere this week. 

The first episode “Valles Marineris” drops July 23rd. 

Movie Time: A Million Ways To Die In the West

Caution: a big chunk of today's movie post will only be tangentially connected to the movie in question.

We're going to address our perception of the world we live in.

• Is it a good place? 
• Are we better off than we were 144 years ago?
• What is the deal with that damn intestinal parasite anyway?

But other than all that...

It's Movie Time! 

Today we look at a comedy/western from 2014 called A Million Ways To Die In the West,  a film co-written and directed by Seth McFarlane who also starred in it and for all I know, also provided catering for the craft services table. 

The movie also stars Charlize Theron, Neil Patrick Harris, Giovanni Ribisi, Sarah Silverman, and Liam Neeson which is damn fine solid line up.

Too bad it didn't result in a better movie.

But that's not what brought us here today.

About a week ago, a clip from the movie showed up on my Tik Tok page.  It's one I've seen many, many times before on various social media outlets over the years.

The deal is Seth McFarlane's character goes on an extended rant about how life in the American West in 1882 completely and totally sucks.  "Whatever isn't you is trying to kill you!" 

For some damn reason, I can't imbed the clip in my post so click here to access this scene. 

As I noted above, seeing this clip is NOT a new thing. I've seen it pop up dozens of times in various places.   But for some reason, when it popped on my Tik Tok feed recently, I felt compelled to make a coment:   “Swap out 1882 with 2026 and would this change much?”

 No big deal. Just letting off a little bit of snark and not even very original snark. 

But...

The comment has gotten 150 likes and half as many replies.

 

The replies have been interesting.

 

About half of them commiserate that yeah, there’s a lot of stupid shit out to kill us in 2026 as it was in 1882.

 

Some of the commenters have referenced the current outbreak of cyclosporiasis or the “explosive diarrhea”.    

 

Cyclosporiasi is an intestinal illness caused by a microscopic parasite called Cyclospora cayetanensis. 

Trying to eat healthy by consuming fresh fruit and vegetables? This stuff can KILL you! Fresh produce can give you cyclosporiasi.

It's chili dogs and French fries for me, you fresh produce eating suckers! HA! 

 

Diarrhea, stomach cramps, nausea and fatigue are some of the wonders that await you if you have cyclosporiasis. 

 

Which fresh apple or cucumber does you in? You may never know! Symptoms can take hold anywhere from as few as 2 days to as much at 2 weeks after exposure. 

 

And once you get this shit, you get shit! Literally! 

You’re in for the long haul as the explosive diarrhea and other symptoms can persist for weeks.

 

And this is NOT a history report from 1882.  This is happening NOW in 2026!

Does it seem wrong that a pathogen that would not have been out of place in 1882 is happening today 2026?

FUN FACT: the CDC stopped monitoring for the bug that causes cyclosporiasi a year ago.  With indiscriminate inane fuckery from Donald Trump, Robert F. Kennedy Jr and Elon Musk, the part of the CDC that is supposed to keep watch for and mitigate diseases like cyclosporiasi was decimated. 

So in my comment on this clip from A Million Ways To Die In the West, about half of the commenters do seem to concur that the struggles of life in 1882 are being echoed in 2026.

The other half wanted to know where I got off saying life in 2026 sucks as much as 1882.

One person wrote, "I bet you wrote this comment in an air conditioned house with indoor plumbing."  

Well, yes I did. 

Basically the tenor of the comments on this side boil down to me being a whiny, priviledged asshole who doesn't appreciate how good life actually is.

Well, actually, I am very much aware of and grateful for the ammenities of life that I enjoy here in 2026. Which adds to the frustration that I feel when,despite those privileges I can't help but feel that life can be, should be better.

I very much know I am in an air conditioned house with indoor plumbing. Which doesn't mean that as I look around at the world we live in, that I can't help but feel that life should be better than it is? 

I should be able to venture out from my air conditioned house with indoor plumbing with living in fear of catching goddam explosive diarrhea from a fucking head of lettuce. 

OK, enough about all that. What about the fucking movie?

Uh, what movie?

<checks notes>

Fuck!

It's Movie Time! 

A Million Ways To Die In the West is an intermittedly funny film that explores and evisicerates the tropes of Western movies.  

Think Blazing Saddles.

No, don't think Blazing Saddles. That's a beloved classic. 

A Million Ways To Die In the West is... not.  

I will admit I enjoyed it more than not but it is a disjointed, overlong film that's probably best enjoyed in fragments rather than as one holistic thing.

Seth McFarlane plays Albert Stark, a sheepherder outside the town of Old Stump, AZ.  Albert is a kind, intelligent man which puts him at odds with the rough and tumble life out on the American western frontier.  Albert is keenly aware of each of the million ways this chaotic existence in the west in 1882 is out to unalive you.  

This timidity causes his girlfriend to break up with him.  

Well, screw her because Charlize Theron just rode into town as a female gunfighter named Anna and she and Albert spark up quite the sassy friendship with a dash of sexual tension. 

But Anna has a flint hard, villainous outlaw husband who has it in for Albert. Well, Albert thinks they could just have a chat like civilized gentlemen and resolved this peacefully without bloodshed. 

But Anna's husband....

• is named Clinch Leatherwood
• and played by Liam Neeson.

So yeah, it looks like Albert's gonna die.  

And so forth and so on and so on, etc, etc, etc.

Mostly the movie is there to hold together individual set pieces for Seth McFarlane to poke fun at Westerns.

There's a trippy sequence where Albert has been captured by an Apache tribe and consumes an entire bowl of peyote. He relives the moment of his birth and his childhood and Abraham Lincoln shows up for some reason? 

There are weird cameos from other movies.  Christopher Lloyd as Doc Brown from Back To the Future III turns up.  

Jamie Foxx from Quentin Tarentino's Django Unchained shows up to confront the owner of a carnival fair game that uses cut outs of runaway slaves for target practice. Spoiler: the owner does not survive. Well, he had it coming.  

Here are some of the performances in A Million Ways To Die In the West that I want to call out.  

• Charlize Theron as Anna has a breezy, casual demeanor that serves as an effective counterpoint to Albert's uptight persona. Her owning the shooting gallery game is epic. And she has standards for me who perform oral sex on her: no chewing tobacco.  Men who chew tobacky will not get a snacky.  (Hey, she said it, not me. But I do agree with her that chewing tobacco is so gross. As a kid, I had relatives who chewed tobacco. Yuck!) 
• Giovanni Ribisi is Edward who is Albert's best friend.  During one scene when a bar fight breaks out, Albert and Edward go off to the side to engage in a slap fight to mime they too are already involved in the bar brawl and no one needs to go over there. Edward also has a girlfriend named Ruth.
• Sarah Silverman is Ruth who in addition to being Edward's girlfriend is also Old Stump's most popular prostitute. Ruth has a laissez faire capitalist approach to her sex work. She will do anal but she charges more. Which she means she can buy nice stuff for her boyfriend.  
• Alex Borstein is Millie, a madam at the local brothel where Ruth works. She is genuinely puzzled by Edward's devotion to Ruth.  Borstein is the voice of Lois on Family Guy and was Susie on The Marvelous Mrs.Maisel. 
• Neil Patrick Harris is effectively smarmy as Foy, Old Stump's resident snobby rich person. (Every Western has at least ONE person who dressed better than everyone and is pretencious as fuck.) Unlike the rest of the town, he has most decidely seen a whole dollar! 
• Rex Linn is the Sheriff and the narrator.  Rex is currently doing time on Happy's Place and was the school principal on Young Sheldon.  
• Ryan Reynolds shows up as a poor namelesss schmuck to be killed by Clinch in a saloon.  Don't look for Ryan in the credits.
• Is that really Gilbert Gottfried as Abraham Lincoln during Albert's peyote trip? Yes it is.

There are a lot of individual gags that are quite funny and some very game performances from actors willing to throw themselves fully into this extended schtick.   

The score was composed by Joel McNeely who does a fantastic job evoking the sound of a classic American Western film. 

But ultimately, the sum of the parts of A Million Ways To Die In the West do not meet the expectations set forth by those various parts. 

Still, this whiny, priviledged asshole laughed more than I didn't so who I am to complain about this movie from my air conditioned house with the indoor plumbing while I hide from cyclosporiasis like it's 1882 and not goddam 2026?  

I regret nothing! 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Tomorrow on the blog: Star Trek AND Doctor Who? 

Well, that's all right, then!