Broken News for Friday, June 13th, 2014

Hi there and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You. I'm Dave-El and today is just not Friday but Friday the 13th. 

I'm not one for superstitions and portents but there is one piece of evidence that shows Friday the 13th is unlucky: today is another appearance of bROkEN nEWs! 

OK, that may not speak much for the unluckiness of the 13th as this happens every Friday. 

bROkEN nEWs is off and running in 5...

4...

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#BrokenNews "Eric Cantor Defeated By Tea Party Challenger" Apparently Cantor had a momentary lapse of crazy and had to be replaced.  

By the way, the winner's last name is "Brat". Finally, a name to match Tea Party behavior. 


#BrokenNews "Pope Kicks Off Mideast Peace Summit Of Prayer" Officially known as...

"The Budweiser 

Monster Summit of Prayer!"  

#BrokenNews "Egypt's New President Sworn In" How long is the proper waiting time before scheduling the next uprising? 


#BrokenNews"CNN Panel Criticizes Fox News' Bergdahl Report" Well, for one thing, Fox kept spelling "Bergdahl" as "Benghazi". (In their defense, old habits do die hard.)  


#BrokenNews"GOPers Still Challenge Climate Change As Coastlines Disappear" But it's all just a liberal agenda! The science is not all in! There's glub! glub! glub! glub!  


#BrokenNews "This Makes Two Jailbreaks Involving A Helicopter For Quebec" So to make a jailbreak in style, don't just think "helicopters", think "Helicopters Of Quebec" for your jailbreaking needs! 


#BrokenNews "Gay Marriage Battle Heats Up In Texas" To be fair, everything heats up in Texas. Texas is hot! Texas is TOO DAMN HOT! And ARMED! Gay people are fighting to live in freedom and equality in a state filled with hot, sweaty people with guns! 

So... good luck with that. 

Hey, here's some news for gay people in a somewhat cooler climate. 


#BrokenNews "Judge Hands Big Victory To Gay Couples In Wisconsin " Time to celebrate! Tuna Cheddar Hot Dishes for everybody! 


#BrokenNews "Ted Cruz's Wish Is Finally Granted: He Is No Longer Canadian" Which in turn also grants the wish of most Canadians. 

#BrokenNews "Richard Mourdock: America Is Going The Way Of Nazi Germany" Great! Now we'll have to eat sauerkraut! I hate sauerkraut! 


#BrokenNews "Here's The Simple Reason Congress Hasn't Fixed The VA" They're all assholes! (Wait, is that too simple? Hell, works for me.) 


#BrokenNews "Assad Makes Big Post-Election Victory Declaration " He wanted to be sure ALL the votes were in before he said anything, just to be sure he won.  


#BrokenNews "LA Gov. Jindal Mulls Mandatory Life Support For Brain-Dead Pregnant Women" After all, the brain-dead is a key GOP demographic.  

And please remember: Gov. Jindal is the SMART one. (Shudder!)  

#BrokenNews “GOP Passes Deficit-Hiking Tax Cuts, Accuses Dems Of Irresponsibility” Ah, the good old “blame the farts on the dog” maneuver. Political strategy courtesy of your Uncle Murray. 

#BrokenNews "Penis Size Study Yields Surprise About Women's Preferences" A penis can be any size it wants as long at it does the damn dishes and takes out the fucking garbage. 

Time now for bROkEN nEWs tHaT cOuNtS. 

And here is your host, THE COUNT!!

Hello, boys and girls! I am THE COUNT! And I LOVE to count! LOVE IT!! BLAH!!
With the coming of summertime, your parents may want to take you on vacation to one of America's fine national parks.
That's because they're too cheap to spring for Disney World. BLAH!
Oops! Perhaps I should not have said that. Great, so much for getting off the PBS breadline and pulling down some serious Disney dollars. Well, anyway, here are seven...ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...SEVEN national parks you've never heard of. BLAH! 

7 National Parks You Didn't Know Existed

1. Rocky and Bullwinkle National Park
2. White Guy Nature Preserve 
3. Old Bonestripper Burning Acid Geyser Park
4. The Cliven Bundy Free Range Preserve
5. Shallow Grave National Forest 
6. Kidney Stone National Park  
7. Sears 

#BrokenNews “Earth May Be Older Than We Thought” China’s plastic surgery and the Spanx around the equator threw us off.

 

#BrokenNews “Sales Of Bulletproof Blankets Beat Maker's 'Wildest Expectations'” See? Gun attacks at schools are helping the economy! That’s a good thing, right?

 

#BrokenNews “Oklahoma GOP Candidate Says It's OK To Stone Gays To Death” Or you can use the jawbone of an ass, you know, whatever works.

 

#BrokenNews “No One's Getting Sacked For Outing CIA Station Chief” Really? Shit, what does it take to get Obama to fire your ass? 

 

#BrokenNews “Kim Jong Un Is Angry At The Weather Service” He ordered sunshine for his weekly picnic and execution and got partly cloudy instead.

#BrokenNews "Supreme Court Could Hand Huge Win To Halliburton" Well, they better! Halliburton paid good money for that Supreme Court. 

#BrokenNews "Thousands of naked cyclists stage protest in Portland" If one of them offers to let you borrow their bike afterwards, don't. 


#BrokenNews "Sheriff to deputies: 'No sex on duty'" Otherwise known as "Duty Booty". 

But seriously, is it really necessary to spell that out? What kind of moron doesn't know when and where sex is a bad idea?

#BrokenNews "Archbishop Wasn't Sure Whether Sex Abuse Was A Crime"  OK, somebody should've put that in the employee handbook.  



#BrokenNews "Mom wants to name daughter 'Awesome'" Years later, Mom wonders why Awesome never calls anymore.  


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And that's what we got for today's edition of bROkEN nEWs!. As always, if you were offended by anything in today's post, please make those concerns known to our complaint department.  

"Hey, you know who doesn't give a shit about your pissant complaint? This bitch!"

A friendly bunch over in the complaint department, yes they are!  

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The next blog post will be a new edition of Doctor Who Weekend but that's coming up tomorrow (Saturday) instead of Sunday. Tomorrow we look at an adventure from the classic series, The Claws of Axos. 


And we'll back here next week with another installment of bROkEN nEWs. Until then, be good to one another.