Everything's Coming Up Bacon

You wanna hear how good bacon is? To improve other food they wrap it in bacon. If it wasn't for bacon we wouldn't even know what a water chestnut is. "Thank you bacon. Sincerely, Water Chestnut the Third". 

--Jim Gaffigan

Ah, bacon! The ultimate food thing. Bacon is good by itself, next to other things, in things, around things. A turkey and ham sandwich is just a sandwich; add bacon at it becomes a club sandwich, a very special sandwich that only you and certain members of an exclusive club gets to eat. Anyone can order a club sandwich but that's bacon for you, bringing democracy to exclusivity.  

Bacon: it tastes like freedom! 

Bacon is so awesome, we wrap it around steak. You'd think that steak is already at the top of the list of edible meats but add bacon to it and it soars even higher. 

Bacon: it gives other foods the wings of angels!

The other day #MakeSomeonesDayIn3Words was trending on Twitter (where I can be found....here! Dave-El ‏@dave_el1938)

Here are my contributions to that topic. 

• Have more bacon #MakeSomeonesDayIn3Words
• Just add bacon #MakeSomeonesDayIn3Words
• Let's have bacon #MakeSomeonesDayIn3Words
• Bacon bacon bacon #MakeSomeonesDayIn3Words (Is he going to keep tweeting about bacon? Who does he think he is, @JimGaffigan?)
• You're my friend #MakeSomeonesDayIn3Words (Awww! That's sweet. And he's stopped tweeting about bacon. Finally!)
• Share my bacon #MakeSomeonesDayIn3Words (Dammit! He's back on the bacon again!)

I recently came across something on Twitter that wrapped bacon around something I never thought of before. But before I get to that, let's look at this: from the website (I'm not making this up!) Republic of Bacon.Com, here are 25 things you can wrap bacon in.  

1. Sea Scallops  
2. A Whole Turkey  
3. Water Chestnuts  
4. Pineapple 
5. Pretzels  
6. Carrots  
7. Chicken  
8. Olives  
9. Mexicano Hot Dogs  
10. Melons  
11. Avocado  
12. Trout  
13. Strawberries  
14. Mozzarella  
15. Jalapeno Poppers  
16. Cocktail Weiners  
17. Mushrooms  
18. Pesto Polenta 
19. Cinnamon Rolls 
20. Eggs  
21. Peppadews  
22. Stuffed Apricots  
23. Shrimp  
24. Asparagus  
25. Goat Cheese  

A wide variety of things to wrap bacon in, from fruits to veggies, from sweets to meats and meat-like products. Granted even with the addition of bacon, some items on this list would still be hard for me to swallow. Asparagus? Yuck! If you gave me a choice between eating asparagus or being shot in the head, you would have to shoot me in the head. If you wrapped it in bacon, I would have to think it over. 

Bacon: It could save you from being shot in the head! 

But here's a picture that someone recently posted on Twitter, something new to wrap in bacon.  

What you're looking at there is bacon wrapped Oreos. 

Bacon.

Wrapped. 

Oreos.

Yeah, I know. 

My daughter loves bacon; she refers to it as "meat candy". And Oreos are among her favorite cookies. So I showed her this. 

Mind. Blown. 

There is the risk that bacon wrapped Oreos are the beginning of the end for humanity. Our bodies ravaged by diabetes and clogged arteries, our time on this Earth will draw to an end. Later aliens will find our world. Picking up our skulls, they will ponder that whatever it was that killed us off, we died smiling. 

Bacon: What a way to go!  

Be good to one another. And enjoy your bacon. 

Dave-El 

I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You.  

Whenever you're at a brunch buffet and you see that metal tray filled with the four thousand strips of bacon, don't you almost expect a rainbow to be coming out of it? "I found it I found the source of all bacon!" That bacon tray is always at the end of the buffet, you always regret all the stuff on your plate. "What am I doing with all this worthless fruit? I should have waited! If I had known you were here I would've waited...."

--Jim Gaffigan