Broken News (On a Break!) For Friday, October 31st, 2014

Happy Halloween, everybody! 

My name is Dave-El and this is I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog with a chewy nougat center.  

As you see from the banner above, this is Friday I'm posting bROkEN nEWs oN A bReAk as I expect to be engaged with some Halloween related activities, none of which involves digging any shallow graves for hastily killed hitchhikers. 

Again. 

Let's get the classic headlines going in 5...

4...

3...

2...

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June 6th, 2014

#BrokenNews "Assad Wins Syria's Presidential 'Election'" You gotta admit, his "Vote for me or I'll kill you" platform was very effective. 

#BrokenNews "Pope Francis Shakes Up The Vatican Again" The Pope's cranking up his AC/DC record collection way too loud again.

#BrokenNews "NSA Stonewalls When Pressed To Come Clean On 'Backdoor Searches'" I was hoping 'backdoor searches' doesn't mean what I think it means but I just got a note from the NSA recommending a good proctologist.

June 13th, 2014

#BrokenNews "Gay Marriage Battle Heats Up In Texas" To be fair, everything heats up in Texas. Texas is hot! Texas is TOO DAMN HOT! And ARMED! Gay people are fighting to live in freedom and equality in a state filled with hot, sweaty people with guns! 

So... good luck with that. 

#BrokenNews "Ted Cruz's Wish Is Finally Granted: He Is No Longer Canadian" Which in turn also grants the wish of most Canadians. 

#BrokenNews "Pope Kicks Off Mideast Peace Summit Of Prayer" Officially known as..."The Budweiser Monster Summit of Prayer!"  

June 20th, 2014

#BrokenNews "GOP Leadership Race Heats Up" Also known as the "Rat Race To the Bottom!"

#BrokenNews "Fish Just May Be A Lot Smarter Than We Thought" Have you ever seen a fish holding public office? Exactly!  

#BrokenNews "What Joe Biden Gave Up To Run With Obama" Besides his pro-wrestling career. 

July 11th, 2014

#BrokenNews "GOP Convention Location Announced" OK, Cleveland agreed to do this but it's oral sex only, no kissing and just leave the money on the bedside table, OK? 

#BrokenNews "NYT: Have Republicans Shut Themselves Out Of White House?"
"I thought you had the keys!"
"No, you said YOU had them!" 
"No, I did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"

#BrokenNews "Postal Worker Caught On Video Hurling Packages Into Ravine" Wow! A postal worker actually had packages?!?!

July 18th, 2014

#BrokenNews "U.S. Steps In To Avert Political Crisis In Afghanistan" If that works out, maybe the U.S. will try to avert political crisis in the U.S.

#BrokenNews "Cheney Pushes Same War Junk As '02" But people will just wander off for a beer or go to the restroom if he pulls out new material. His fans just want to hear the classics. 

#BrokenNews “Taco Bell Tests Plowing More Meat Into Meals” As long as there are no pesky questions about where the meat comes from.  

July 25th, 2014

#BrokenNews "GOP, Dems Fall Farther Apart On Immigration" The sticking point is whether to shoot some of the immigrants or all of the immigrants.

#BrokenNews "GOP's Obamacare Replacement Apparently Still In The Works" The GOP would have finished it by now except Paul Ryan keeps forgetting to bring in his Sears Craftsman socket wrench set.  

#BrokenNews "George Takei Tells Bill Maher Why He Can't Stand William Shatner" Forcing Bill Maher to clear his schedule for the rest of the week.

August 1st, 2014

#BrokenNews "House GOP Border Plan Opposed By... Republicans" Someone in the GOP realized, "Oh shit, we're about to actually DO something?! Whew! That was a close one!" 

#BrokenNews “Alabama Officials Say New EPA Regulations Violate God's Will” Apparently God's will is for Alabama to be run by morons.

#BrokenNews “GOP's Latest Plan To Take Down Obama Backfires” Don’t worry! Congressman Wiley E Coyote is ordering a new plan from ACME!

August 8th, 2014

#BrokenNews "Fed Issues Stark Warning To Big Banks" The Fed said there would be SERIOUS consequences if the big banks do anything evil. OK, overtly evil. OK, obviously, overtly evil. You know what? Forget we said anything. 

#BrokenNews "Critical Problem With The GOP Lawsuit Against Obama Emerges" Apparently it's not illegal for the President to be black after all. 

#BrokenNews "L.A. Pornographers Are Flooding The Internet With Underground Porn" "Underground porn?" No wonder the lighting's so bad!

August 15th, 2014

#BrokenNews  "New Iraqi PM Pledges To 'Rebuild And Re-Train' Iraq Army" They'll be a brand new lean, mean running away machine. 

#BrokenNews  "Hard-Fought Victory For Virgin America Flight Attendants" Meanwhile, completely getting screwed? Flight attendants for Total Whore Airlines. 

#BrokenNews  "Whole Foods' Plan To Sell Rabbit Meat Incites Fury" Customer Elmer Fudd is said to "pawticuwawy fuwious" citing he is "pewfectly capable of hunting my own wabbit meat. Heh. Heh. Heh. Heh."  

August 22nd, 2014

#BrokenNews "White House Doesn't Rule Out Obama Trip To Ferguson" Although Obama was really hoping to take the kids to Six Flags this summer. 

#BrokenNews "Mitt Romney Says Obama Is Doing A 'Good Deal Worse Than Even I Expected'" Then he added, "It's a good thing I'll be replacing him when all the votes are tallied up." On the wall behind Romney is a calendar for November 2012 with the first Tuesday of the month circled in red and labeled "Victory Day!" Romney chuckles and says, "Yep, the final votes are coming in any minute now and we can put this whole 'Obama is President' misunderstanding behind us."  

#BrokenNews "The Unexpected Meals You Can Make With Cauliflower" And the completely EXPECTED reaction of no one eating it. 

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And that's a wrap for this week's revisit of classic headlines from the bROkEN nEWs'
Summer of Love Barely Tolerating the Existence of Other Humans.  

Tomorrow kicks off with 1 of a 2 day Doctor Who Weekend post. 

Next Friday, bROkEN nEWs will be feature a special spotlight on someone who has come to mean a lot to the bROkEN nEWs  staff. It's a post-election celebration of...

"This is a GOOD thing, right?"

AWKWARD MOMENTS 

with

MITCH MCCONNELL 

MITCH MCCONNELL

MITCH MCCONNELL

MITCH MCCONNELL

MITCH MCCONNELL

In two weeks, bROkEN nEWs  will be back ALL NEW, PARTIALLY FUNNY.  

Until then, be good to one another.

Rejected Peanuts Specials

Hi there! I'm Dave-El and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that is completely 100% sincere. 

OK, 90% sincere. 

Never less than 75% sincere. 

Maybe 60% sincere sometimes.

All right, I'm drawing the line at 50%. This blog is never less than 50% sincere. 

Maybe once in a while, it's only 35% sincere.  

But never less than 20%. 

Hi there! I'm Dave-El and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the most damn insincere blog on the internet! 

As Halloween is coming 'round tomorrow and tonight, to get everyone in the spirit of things, ABC is running that classic Halloween special, It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. 

While the Christmas special was the first and still best of the Peanuts cartoons on TV, I think It's the Great Pumpkin ranks a very, very close second. 

• Charlie Brown sucks at getting treats. ("I got a rock.") 
• Snoopy becomes the Red Baron and flies into battle with his Sopwith Camel, then he has to struggle to get back home through enemy territory. Who knew World War I could be so much fun?
• Lucy and the girls use the back of Charlie Brown's head to design a Jack O' Lantern.
• Charlie's sister Sally throws herself at her "sweet baboo", Linus. 

And then there's Linus, the poor bastard. He is determined that THIS Halloween he is going to see the Great Pumpkin who visits only the most sincere of pumpkin patches. Linus is convinced the patch he is in is the most sincere of all pumpkin patches.

There's actually a sweet scene near the end where mean old Lucy Van Pelt actually shows compassion for her lunkhead brother. And Linus is not daunted, no siree. He's going to find an even MORE sincere pumpkin patch next year and he WILL see the Great Pumpkin, yes he will.  

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The other night on Twitter, #RejectedPeanutsSpecials began to trend so I jumped on with a few ideas for Peanuts specials that TV network might be wise to pass on. 

Here we go!

• Does This Look Infected To You, Charlie Brown?
• You Will Never Know Love, Charlie Brown
• You Will Never Get Out Of Here Alive, Charlie Brown
• Your Call Is Very Important To Us, Charlie Brown
• Get the F**k Off Twitter, Charlie Brown!
• You're Bleeding From the Eyes, Charlie Brown
• Mama Said Knock You Out, Charlie Brown
• OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, CHARLIE BROWN?!?!?
• I Wasn't Expecting the Spanish Inquisition, Charlie Brown

And finally, the most popular one I posted which received several favorites and retweets:  

• You Can't Have Any Pudding If You Don't Eat Your Meat, Charlie Brown

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I hope you enjoy the Peanuts Halloween special tonight and I hope Halloween itself goes well for you tomorrow. I hope your bags and buckets are filled with the best candy and absolutely no rocks. 

Unless you're a rock collector or otherwise into rocks. 

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Friday: I'll be busy with various Halloween activities tomorrow (for real!) so bROkEN nEWs will be a Best Of... Edition. (Talk about scary!) 

Saturday and Sunday: A double shot of Doctor Who Weekend including a review of this week's new episode, Dark Water, part 1 of the Series 8 finale.

Until then, be good to one another. 

Comics Blah Blah Comics: The Phantom Stranger

With Halloween coming up, I was looking for some way to tie in my Wednesday blog post on comics into the season of goblins and ghosts. My thoughts turned towards looking back over some particularly scary comics I have read but I decided I would instead focus my attention on this guy...

THE PHANTOM STRANGER

Now the cool thing about the Phantom Stranger was we never knew who he really was.*

*I am of course speaking pre-New 52. I think now we know if he wears boxers or briefs.

Here was a guy who had no name, no origin and only the most vaguely defined skill set of mystical powers. The Phantom Stranger defied all the conventions by being completely unknown and unknowable. When there's evil afoot, he appears. When it is vanquished, he disappears. 

Which can make carrying a solo title a bit tricky.  How can you have an ongoing series about a guy we know nothing about? 







And not only was the Phantom Stranger a complete unknown inside his own book, his appearances on the covers were little more than shadows and shades.

Well, somebody figured out to make it work. The Phantom Stranger lasted 42 bi-monthly issues. That's seven years on the comic book spinner rack in the woebegone 1970's, not a trick to be taken too lightly. 

In many ways, the Stranger was little more than host of the stories in his book, not unlike Cain in the House of Mystery. But unlike Cain, the Stranger would at some point interject himself into the story proper, sometimes with a cryptic warning or maybe some brief moment of actual intervention. 


As the series progressed, the Phantom Stranger began take a larger role in these adventures even as the mystery of exactly who he is and why he is remained as unsolved as it ever had.  He seemed well beyond this world.

But the Phantom Stranger was not perfect and could very well be hurt. One of the scariest stories I ever read from the Phantom Stranger was in issue #14 by writer Len Wein and artist Jim Aparo, the absolute best duo ever in the course of this series and "The Man With No Heart" was among their creepiest best. A bad guy named Broderick Rune arranges for the Phantom Stranger to be trapped. Then the Stranger's heart is taken from his body and transplanted into Rune to replace is weak and faltering heart. Then the Stranger's body is dumped into a river. Yikes!  

Naturally, Broderick Rune starts to go bonky-bonkers with the Stranger's heart in his chest and things don't get much better for the bastard when the Phantom Stranger shows up to get his heart back. Some real creepy stuff going on here. 



Oh, by the way, here's the cover to that issue. 

Not only is the Phantom Stranger just a white outline on the cover but the story that goes with Neal Adam's admittedly awesome Swamp Thing-ish cover is not even the Stranger's story in the book. "Spectre of the Stalking Swamp" was a Dr. Thirteen back up story, also written by Len Wein who would go on to create Swamp Thing with artist Bernie Wrightson. 

Apparently, Len has a thing for swamps.

More or less this continued to be the case with Phantom Stranger covers but once in a while he would rate an actual appearance on the cover of his own comic book. 

The Phantom Stranger#21 was not the first time the Stranger appeared on the cover as something other than a shadow or a barely glimpsed figure in the mist. But Jim Aparo's rendition of the Phantom Stranger on this cover was rather iconic. When ever an ad or some other feature needed a stock image of the Stranger, this was the go to.

And it is a very effective image for it's relative simplicity. The Stranger's arms are folded with his cape pulled up in front of him. We can see his arms, his chest and part of his face; this is a man. But he is apart from mankind: darkness swallows the rest of him, the brim of his hat and the high collar of his cape keep the details of his face hidden, particularly his eyes. Yes, we can actually see the Phantom Stranger on the cover of his own book. But do we know him any better?

Here is the cover to The Phantom Stranger#33 which holds the honor as the first back issue I ever purchased from a comic book store. Besides a really intense cover image from Jim Aparo, the interior art was by Mike Grell. Back in the mid-1970's, Grell was all the rage over at DC comics thanks to his work on Superboy and the Legion of Super Heroes. So he would pop up in the darndest places like on Aquaman in Adventure Comics and Green Arrow back ups in Action Comics. 

And this issue of the Phantom Stranger. I was a big nut for anything Grell drew but I missed this issue when it came on the comic book rack so years later when I was thumbing through the back issues at Acme Comics, I knew I had to have it. 


I actually came late to the Phantom Stranger party. For all this history I've recited so far, my first issue I ever bought was #41. Future DC President Paul Levitz was earning his comic book writing merit badge by taking on the Stranger but if I'm to be fair, it was the Black Orchid back up that kinda got my attention first. OK, hot super heroine in a tight purple body suit + one hormonally charged of young teen age dude...well, you do the math. 

But I got caught up in the Stranger's story too and looked forward to buying #42. Which I did. Which was the last issue. 

Bummer. 






Later I would discover comic book stores and after I bought issue #33 picked up the odd back issue after that. However it was not until about sometime in the last 10 years that I truly got caught up thanks to 2 volumes in DC's Showcase series. And while I sometimes miss not having color in these Showcase collections, the artwork by Jim Aparo was even more wonderful to behold in black and white.  

The Phantom Stranger never got an ongoing series again until the New 52 when the Stranger was launched in a title written by Dan Didio so no, I didn't read it.  From what I can tell, all the mystery was gone from the Stranger's story and persona.  

No, I may be stuck in the past but I still prefer the concept of the mysterious man wrapped in darkness under the brim of his hat and the folds of his cloak, a man with no name who turns up when you least expect him and when you most need him. Walking the world forever apart from it but also drawn those in need of some help...from a Stranger.

Be good to one another. 

Dave-El
I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You

Here's the Story of a Plague of Zombies

Hi there! Dave-El here and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that will go halfsies on a nice delicious brain if you want.

So Halloween will be here soon so I'm gearing these blog posts towards something Halloween-ish for a few days.  Today, we look at...zombies! 

In the spirit of full disclosure, I do not watch The Walking Dead. 

I understand it is a very good show and a lot of people are dedicated to watching it. But it's just not for me. The idea of watching week after week of post zombie apocalypse doom and gloom just isn't something I'm in to watching, no matter how good it is. 

But like a lot of things in pop culture, just because I haven't seen it doesn't mean I'm not aware of it and I'm not prepared to poke fun at it. 

So here we go! What happens when you cross The Walking Dead with The Brady Bunch (which I have seen)?

This!

Here’s the story of a plague of zombies

That infected lots of people ‘round the world.

Causing brains to rot and blood to splatter

As people’s skin unfurled. 

 

Here’s the story of a cop named Rick Grimes

Who woke up from a coma just to find

That the world was overrun with evil zombies

Eating humankind

That’s when Rick Grimes went right off to fight the zombies

With a ragtag gang of misfits, it was said

That they killed each other as much as zombies

That’s the story of the Walking Dead.

 

The Walking Dead!

The Walking Dead!

That’s the story of the Walking Dead!

I thought about making a 9 grid graphic to emulate The Brady Bunch opening but with zombies. But that sounded like too much work. Then it hit me that surely I'm not the only one to mash up The Walking Dead and The Brady Bunch.  So I Googled "Brady Bunch Walking Dead"....OK, I used Bing (don't judge me!) and I found this! 

Here's the link to the original online.  I did make two modifications to this graphic: I added Ann B. Davis who played Alice in the middle and at the top I added Rick Grimes, played by....I don't know. I did say up front I don't watch the show. I think the actor's name is the same as one of the US Presidents. Taft? Coolidge? 

Yeah, I know that on The Walking Dead, the zombies are called "walkers". 

Zombie is funnier that walker. So there! 

More zombie stuff:

• A message from a blog sponsor, Zeke and Zed's Zombie Zapping Zervice.
• On You Tube, a mash up of The Walking Dead and Mad Men 
• More zombie fun with this Jonathan Coulton classic.  

 OK, that's enough with the zombies for this blog post. See you tomorrow for a Halloween themed comic book sort of a thing.

Until then, watch out for zombies and be good to one another.

Dave-El

I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You

Just A Little Bit Older

This past Friday (October 24th), there was another school shooting. 

The scariest word in that sentence, other than "shooting", is the word "another".  

Once more someone who was troubled decided that the best way to alleviate those troubles was through the barrel of a gun. 

You can click here for a review of these events posted yesterday (Sunday, October 26th). While there are certain facts of Friday's tragedy coming together, there is still not much clarity or understanding of why freshman Jaylen Ray Fryberg decided that a group of students at Marysville Pilchuck High School in Washington state needed to answer in blood and death for some real or perceived transgression. There does appear to be some evidence from social media that Jaylen was not coping well with the break up of a romantic relationship. 

I remember high school. Despite my best efforts, I remember it and it was a cauldron of hormonal confusion and social frustration. I can only imagine that the modern world for teenagers  is even more of a pressure cooker that it was in my day. 

Still I remember the pains and torments of thousands slings and arrows of the outrageous fortune that is high school. And I remember how much I wished someone would just die, myself or my tormentors, I wasn't picky, just as long as the torment stopped. 

I never acted on that. Why? Well, there are any number of answers that can be traced back to various elements of nature and nurture. But principal among those answers was this: I did not have a gun. 

Think about how many times you've heard of an argument or altercation that turned deadly because someone had a gun. And you've wondered, "Somebody was shot and killed...over that?" 

Police did say the gun used in the attack was "legally acquired" although given that Fryberg was 16 years old, I doubt he was the one to do the legal acquiring.  

I'm sure the 2nd amendment advocates will rise up to proclaim the answer is more guns, that school officials or maybe even the students themselves need to be armed or some damn thing like that. Someone will point out that tougher gun laws do not stop people from being killed by guns.  I mean, look at Canada last week, right? 

True that but I don't recall any headlines regarding the tragedy last week invoking the word "another". Meanwhile this has become such a thing in the US that we do have the include the word "another" when describing a travesty as horrible as a school shooting.  Therein lies the reprehensible part of this story: it keeps happening. And it will keep on happening as long as the the cries of the many for justice are drowned by the bleatings for the few determined to hold on to their little corner of power. 

Meanwhile, before the next one hits, let us grieve for our losses, the lost lives and the lost innocence. Here is a quote from the NBC News website article I referenced earlier: 

Cindy Honeyman, the mother of an MPHS student, attended a vigil for the victims Saturday. She said of her son and all the other students who had a deadly act of violence shatter what should be carefree days: "It's unfortunate. They are all just a little bit older today."

Be good to one another.