Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that is statistically twerk free!
Dave-El here and as you know, I have to from time to time offer up some space on my blog for corporate sponsors. As I have pointed out, high quality, intellectually stimulating blogging does not come cheap.
Neither does the shit I do here.
So today is one of those days as we welcome a brand new sponsor.
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Scene opens: an exasperated teenage girl marches into the kitchen. Mom is at the sink.
Girl: Mom, we've got zombies.
Mom: What? Again? I just sprayed for them last week!
Zombie shambles into kitchen. Mom grabs a broom and waves at the zombie.
Mom: Shoo, zombie! Shoo!
Girl (making a face): Mom, the zombie left brain bits all over my new dress! Ewww!
Then Dad pops his head to the window. He's holding a rotting decapitated head in his hand by the hair.
Dad (irked): Honey, I just had to smash a zombie out in the garden. He nearly trampled our prize azaleas!
Mom (putting her hands on her hips and giving Dad a stern look): Dear, we need to call a professional zombie exterminator!
Dad (tosses head into garbage): We've discussed this before. Professional zombie exterminators are just too gosh darn expensive!
(Voice from nowhere) Not anymore, they're not!
Suddenly in a very bad, low budget edit, two men in dark blue jump suits appear in the kitchen.
Zeke (very, VERY enthusiastic): I'M ZEKE!
Zed (has no enthusiasm): Zed.
Zeke & Zed (although Zed's not quite keeping up) And we're ZEKE & ZED'S ZOMBIE ZAPPER ZERVICE!
Zed: ...zervice.
Mom: Wow! Can you help us with our zombie problem?
Zeke (still excited while Zed stands there with his eyes barely open): You betcha! We can rid your house of zombies, WHEREVER they might be in the house!
Another cheap edit cut: Zeke, Zed and the family in the living room. A zombie is slouched on the couch eating popcorn and watching TV.
Zeke: In the living room!
Zed: ...room.
Quick cheap edit cut: Zeke, Zed and the family in the bathroom. A zombie is in the shower.
Zeke: In the bathroom!
Zed: ...room.
Girl: Gross! He's using my shower poof!
Quick cheap edit cut: Zeke, Zed and the family in the garage. A zombie steps forward and steps on a rake which flies up and hits him the face.
Zeke: In the garage!!
Zed: ...roj.
Dad: Hey, zombie! Don't you mess with my weed eater!
Quick cheap edit cut: Zeke, Zed and the family in the bedroom. A pair of...somethings (we presume zombies) are writhing around under the sheets with lots of gurgling and groans.
Zeke: And even in the bedroom!
Zed says nothing, shrugs.
Mom covers daughter's eyes.
Mom: That's disgusting! Sweetie, don't look!
Dad: Oh, man! Are those our NEW sheets?
Quick cheap edit cut: Zeke, Zed and the family on the front lawn. Zombie are shambling about, mostly at random but a couple seem to be trying to do some semblance of yard work.
Zeke: Anywhere! Everywhere! You have zombies? We can take 'em out!
Girl: But how, Zeke?
Zeke: Good question, little girl! And the answer is....
Quick cheap edit cut: Zeke, Zed and the family are back in the kitchen. Zombie shambling out with a mineral water bottle.
Zeke: The answer is our exclusive special ingredient! Tell 'em, Zed.
Zed just stands there. Zeke punches Zed in the arm.
Zeke: I said, tell 'em, Zed.
Zed (with absolutely no energy): Zinc.
Zeke (bursting with energy): That's right, Zed! ZINC! We've discovered that ZINC ZAPS ZOMBIES!
Zed (dully): Zap.
Dad (doubtful): Oh, but after you zap 'em, don't the zombies just come back?
Zeke: Not with our patent pending process of treating your home and lawn with our ZOMBIE ZAPPING ZINC ZOLUTION!!
Zed: ...shun.
Zeke: After one of our treatments, we guarantee you will have absolutely NO ZOMBIES for SIX months or your money back! And if one of your family gets turned into a zombie on your property in that time, we'll DOUBLE that guarantee!!
Girl: This sounds GREAT! Mom, Dad! Please let Zeke and Zed zap zombies! PLEASE!
Mom: Now, hold on a moment, honey. I'm sure your Dad would like to know how much this going to cost.
Dad: You bet! So how much will this extermination set me back?
Zeke: Not as much as you think! As a matter fact, add up all you spend on garbage bags for decapitated zombie heads as well as cleaning expenses for your clothes and furniture over a six month period. And the cost of our ZOMBIE ZAPPING ZERVICE is only a fraction of that.
Zed: ...that.
Dad: Outstanding!
Mom: This sounds wonderful!
Girl: C'mon, Mom! Dad! I'm tired of finding zombies in our house! It's yucky!
Mom: I can't agree more!
Dad: Hey, I'm sold! Zeke and Zed, go zaps some zombies!
Zeke (grinning broadly): You've made the right choice!
Zed: ...choice.
Quick cheap edit cut: Zeke and Zed outside their van
Zeke: And you TOO can make the right choice! Don't put up with zombies any longer! Come by and see us at 100 Kirkman Blvd or call us at 1-800-ZOMBIES!
Zed: ...bees.
Cheesy graphic appears on screen with the name of the business as we hear Zeke's voiceover.
Zeke: That's ZEKE & ZED'S ZOMBIE ZAPPER ZERVICE! When zombies need zapping, you won't catch us napping.
Zed: ...ing.
Zeke: Call or come by today! ZEKE & ZED'S ZOMBIE ZAPPER ZERVICE!!!
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OK, maybe it's just me but I think Zed may have gotten a little too close to a zombie at some point. Or maybe just close to some premium grade weed.
So it looks like we've found another top of the line sponsor for this blog.*
Seriously, there were NO porn sites available who wanted to advertise here?
So a great big I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You welcome to Zeke and Zed's Zombie Zapping Zervice!
Come back tomorrow and we'll see what kind of entertainment our advertiser's money can get for you! _______________________________________________
Don't forget Dave-El can be found on Twitter right here where I try to help Snoodle understand the new CBS show Hostages and I (drunkenly) proclaim my love for Ted's future wife on How I Met Your Mother (thank you, Linus).
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