Friday, March 28, 2014

Broken News On A Break (March 28, 2014)



Hi there! 

Dave-El here and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You




I'm not here right now (see Monday's Blog Business post from March 24th) but your patronage is important to me so I wanted to be sure something was here for our weekly fun fest torture time known as bROkEN nEWs!  


This week's post collects some of the lists posted in the Fall of 2013 under a feature we like to call bROkEN nEWs tHaT cOuNtS!


And returning to the fold after a two week contractual dispute well deserved vacation is....THE COUNT!

Take it away, Count! 

"Hello, kids! The Count is back!
Ahem! I need to read this:
'It is a joy and a pleasure to be back here working with Dave-El and contributing to a high quality entertainment forum such as 
bROkEN nEWs!'Blah! OK, let's get this thing started.
Last fall, this whole Obamacare thing was causing a lot of worries what with the website crashing!
Me, what do I know about websites? Cobwebs, those I understand! That add a nice homey touch to a Count's castle!
So here's a list from last year on six...yes! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6....SIX things even the media didn't understand about Obamacare!
BLAH!"














6 Things The Media Doesn't Understand About Obamacare

1) Obama will not administer your Preparation H personally… for any donation to the Democratic National Committee of less than $250,000.00
2) There is no special provision for Bill Clinton to go around asking young women to stick out there tongue and say “ah”. Bill Clinton’s just doing that in his free time.
3) However, there really is a provision for Joe Biden to go around asking young men to turn their head and cough. Man, we just love fucking with Joe!
4) There are nutritional guidelines for healthy living in the Obamacare package. You can ignore those. We needed to throw that shit in there to make Michelle shut the hell up. 5) Vaginal ultrasounds are not required under Obamacare but they’re still available if you’re into that sort of thing. Who are we to judge?
6) In order to save money, rectal thermometers have been reclassified for multi-use.


"Something very important that comes under healthcare are babies! Blah! And babies have to start from somewhere and that somewhere is something really icky called sperm. And that's something we just don't talk about on Sesame Street! So here are 9...ooh boy! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...NINE things you didn't know about sperm! BLAH!"




9 Things You Never Knew About Sperm


1) Sperm are actually quite shy. 
2) While sperm are very good swimmers, they are most proud of their basketball abilities. 
3) Sperm can glow in the dark but they just don’t like to. 
4) Sperm really does make a good hair gel.
5) If you listen really carefully, you can hear sperm yell “yee-haa” in teeny tiny voices during ejaculation.
6) If you name a sperm “Sherman” and call it “Sherm Sperm”, it will be really cross with you.
7) Most sperm are very stupid. Ladies, at least one will try to impregnate your spleen. 8) There is no evidence that a single sperm controls the brain functions of Rush Limbaugh but come on! 
9) Sperm just wants to cuddle. 



"Before you let any sperm get near your you-know-whats (and if you know what you-know-whats are, you are very smart, very perverted or both! Blah!), you should make sure you're with the right guy! Maybe you're not if you one of these three...1, 2, 3...THREE warning signs! BLAH!"




1) He makes you wear a "Hi, my name is..." tag.
2) He asked which bridesmaid he should bang first.
3) His choice of reception caterer has a wide variety of squirrel-based dishes. 



"Sometimes you don't always make
the best decisions! Sometimes you feel...well, let's be blunt, stupid!
Like agreeing to come back and do some silly counting bit for a weird little blog that can only cause trouble with your really good paying gig but someone has incriminating photographs of...well, I digress!
Blah!
So here are 5....1, 2, 3, 4, 5...FIVE ways to deals with those feeling stupid feelings. BLAH!"



1) Think, "What would Ted Cruz do?" 
2) Go on Fox News, get it out of your system.
3) Revel in your intellectual superiority over the contestants on "Family Feud".
4) Cause a government shutdown.
5) Embrace that feeling and run for public office.



"My lawyer just advised me that I should be more...careful...of what I say about this...wonderful blog and the wonderful man, Dave-El, who is the creative and inventive genius behind it!
Blah!
Here's a list of 5 times...
yes, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...FIVE times to keep my...er, YOUR mouth shut!
BLAH!"

5 Times You Should Just Keep Your 

Mouth Shut

1) "I don’t mean to sound racist…"
2) "Well, now that you mention it…"
3) "No! No, I’m NOT okay and you want to know why?"
4) "If you REALLY want my opinion…"
5) "Hi! I’m Ted Cruz!"




"Here are 8...wow! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8...EIGHT fashion mistakes that can make you look older than you are!
Notice "capes" are not on the list!
BLAH!"


8 Fashion Mistakes That Instantly Age You


1) Coveralls 
2) Feed store cap
3) John Deere cap 
4) Bonnet 
5) Black socks with shorts
6) White socks with black pants
7) Any ensemble with a high denim-to-plaid correlation
8) Nightshirt (preferably with soup stains)



"Finally, here are 7...yes, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...SEVEN things that will kill a relationship. I assure you, Dave-El, I have given NONE of these any thought whatsoever.
BLAH!"

7 Things That Will Kill Any New 

Relationship


1) A gun
2) Also a knife works too
3) Really, almost any blunt instrument. A shovel, maybe.
4) Bow & arrow, you know, if the relationship is standing a long way away.
5) Electrocution. Careful, don't stand too close.
6) Poison. If you have the time for that.
7) Not being attentive to your partner's needs


____________________________

Thanks, Count, and welcome back to the blog! 

Next week, we're back with a special "welcome back" post on Thursday, April 3rd and on Friday, April 4thbROkEN nEWs is back and ALL NEW! 

Until next time, be good to one another!

Oh look! It's a present from the Count! Why does it say "BOMB" on the side? 

(snuffs out the fuse) 

Oh, Count! You are such a kidder!

Monday, March 24, 2014

Blog Business

Hi there! I'm Dave-El and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You.

To my hundreds of readers...
To my dozens of...
To that one person who...
To my imaginary friend who...
To my imaginary acquaintance, I need...
To myself, I need to advise that I'm taking a bit of a break from this blog.  


The daily effort to produce high quality material some damn shit has been an interesting and (more often than not) fun challenge. A lot of stuff posted on this blog has been utterly silly with almost no redeeming value whatsoever but believe it or not, it has proven to be a valuable outlet for me in ways I cannot begin to describe. (At least, not without some alcohol to loosen up some considerably tight inhibitions.) This has been an experiment in creativity that I look forward to continuing for some time to come. 

So what's up now? Really, nothing more than needing to take a break. I've got a lot of work to catch up on at my real job and some personal stuff to do as well.  I just didn't want to be one of those blogs where someone hasn't posted in awhile and a reader might wonder, "Whatever happened to that guy? He hasn't posted in days or weeks!"  So if you are checking in on this blog on a regular basis, let me say three things: 

1) Thank you. 
2) Seek medical attention. 
3) I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You will continue. 

So what's next? Well, this Friday (March 28th) will feature an installment of bROkEN nEWs (gathering a collection of bROkEN nEWs tHaT cOuNts from previous editions.) 

After that, the plan is to have a new "welcome back" post on Thursday, April 3rd followed by the return of ALL NEW bROkEN nEWs on Friday, April 4th and subsequent daily posts after that with more...


  • Doctor Who Saturday
  • DC Comics and Me 
  • This (Non) Sporting Life 


Plus another weekly feature in the vein of The Internet Is For CORN and Knock-Knock the Interrupting Cow.  

And maybe, just maybe, poetry. 

Yes, poetry.

And of course I can't produce this awesome alleged blog without financial help so look forward to some messages from new (and possibly some classic) sponsors. 


Also, sex. 

Well, it might happen. 

If you're a new or returning visitor, please peruse the menu on the right side of screen for prior posts of varying degrees of strangeness, weirdness and goofiness. 

If I may, let me also direct to some other blogs that I personally find entertaining and highly recommend: 




In the meantime, remember to be good to one another. 



















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Sunday, March 23, 2014

This (Non) Sporting Life#11


Hi there! I'm Dave-El and this is my blog which I call I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You because calling it The World's Most Awesome Blog was a little too on the nose, don't you think? 

So it's Sunday and time now for my weekly post on sports from a guy who doesn't know much about sports. 

Here we go!  


Item! 

Mercer Bears 78
Duke Blue Devils 71


Duke? What the hell! Duke? Really?

Item! 

OK, I'm sure Mercer is a nice school and all but seriously, every time I heard "Mercer", my brain kept inserting the word "virus". So this wasn't a flesh eating disease, just a dream destroying one. Now I had no delusions how far Duke would go this year in the NCAA tournament. Final Four? Possible but not likely. I figured maybe Sweet Sixteen which is not bad. But Duke, a #3 seed, gone as of their first game against a #14 seed named after a flesh eating virus?!

That's mean and I really need to stop saying that. Sorry, Mercer. 

Virus. 

Dammit! 

Item! 

Seriously, Duke: What the hell?


Is Jabari Parker already counting his NBA money in his head? 

Item! 

Once again Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski shows he's a class act by visiting the Mercer (Virus. Dammit, stop that!) locker room to personally congratulate the Bears on their win. "If we got beaten, at least we got beaten by a hell of a basketball team." Classy move, Coach K! 

After a Duke loss, Krzyzewski is usually quick to give credit to the winning team. No "They won because we sucked" but "They won because they played a great game." 




Well, if Coach K can do it, so can I! 

Congratulations on your NCAA win, Mercer! 

...

Hey, I did it! I said Mercer and

Virus.

DAMMIT! 

Item! 

As noted in one online sports report, "Duke may not have been a favorite to win the tournament, but it's Duke. The Blue Devils were a No. 3 seed in a loaded Midwest Region. If you can beat them, you can hang with anyone. You can also dance with anyone." 





Dude, I really do not begrudge you for that. Go on and get down wit' yo' bad self! 

Item! 

It almost seemed like the North Carolina Tarheels might be following Duke out the proverbial door during Friday night's game against Providence. Per reports from wife (who goes all sorts of cray-zay during Carolina games so I tend to keep a safe distance from these proceedings), Carolina was once again failing to REBOUND! Really, it's the only piece of advice she can offer during a basketball game: REBOUND! I can imagine UNC coach Roy Williams getting a note from her with one word: "REBOUND!" And then Roy slaps himself on his forehead and exclaims, "Rebound? Genius! Why didn't I think of that?" 

As I write this, the Sunday afternoon games have yet to be played. But if Carolina is not in it after today, it was probably because they didn't REBOUND! 

Item! 

Sorry, no money for you from Warren Buffett. The billion dollar perfect NCAA bracket challenge completely fell apart on Friday. 87% of the brackets were already invalid as of Thursday and the Duke loss on Friday probably did in all the rest.  So no billion bucks from Warren Buffett this year but the consolation prize seems nice: a cheeseburger from Jimmy Buffett.  

_____________________________

That's it for this week's edition of This (Non) Sporting Life. Until next time, be good to one another. 

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Doctor Who Saturday: Random Who

Hi there! Welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You which reminds you that "random" spelled backward is "modnar" which stands for "modern narcissism". 

Wow! The things one can learn make up on the internet. 

So I'm Dave-El and today is Doctor Who Saturday. And today, I'm kind of in low content mode. Sorry but if my brain were any more fried, it could be served up for breakfast with some scrambled eggs and toast. 

So today let's look at some random graphics I've gathered relating to Doctor Who


I found this one while looking for graphics to go with my 'knock-knock' jokes post from this past Thursday. Judging from the panama hat, looks like the 5th Doctor's on the scene.

All right, let's do a knock-knock joke.

Knock-knock?
Who's there?
I will exterminate!
I will exterminate who?
Well, you! DUH!




So we have someone riffing on Carly Rae Jepson's "Call Me Maybe". Hey, Carly Rae was supposed to be some kind of protege' that Justin Bieber discovered or something? I hope she's OK, staying busy, pursuing her dreams. I hope she's not bitter that she might not be as famous now as she was. She may even think she can't even get arrested.

Well, if that's the case, the Bieb can give her some pointers in that regard.

Yes, I went all that way for...that.

Hey, I told you I was fried.  



Also: "I'm not always ready to Allon-z but when I am, I am so Alonzo!"

Have I mentioned how TIRED I am?



Sometimes I'm in a conversation with someone who I know is a Doctor Who fan but we both avoid the proverbial big blue box in the room. Neither of us wants to be "that person", the one who is the Whovian who has nothing going on but Whovianism.

Like my wife. Oh my God, she can link EVERY conversation topic to Doctor Who or something Who related. This could be her revenge on me and how I can link any topic to comic books. 



Is this an over the top reaction to being interrupted while watching Doctor Who?

No. No, it is not. 



To the left: "Oh, yeah! I could get up in all that!"
To the right: "Get me the hell away from that!"

It's sad because it's true.



Yo! Yo! Yo! M'man, the 12th Doctor, getting down wit' his bad self, y'all! 




Yep, I agree. 

OK, thanks for popping by a bit and putting up with the randomness. We're counting down to NEW Who! Just five months away. 

Just? Argh! FIVE LONG MONTHS?!?!?

Everyone, be good to one another.

And enjoy your pie.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Broken News On a Break (March 21, 2014)





Hi! Dave-El here and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that challenges your belief in cheese. 

Today is Friday and this is when I normally post my weekly allegedly humorous look at the week's news headline, bROkEN nEWs. Well, today is no different. 

In fact, today is so not different that the headlines will look very familiar. 

In other words: reruns. Sorry. 

The last time I did bROkEN nEWs oN a bReAK (back at the end of November 2013), I posted a sampling of headlines from June and July of that year. Today we'll look back on some selected headlines from August, September and October of 2013.  


__________________                              


August 2, 2013


#BrokenNewsPope: 'Who am I to judge' gay people?” The pope has absolutely NO gaydar whatsoever.



#BrokenNewsRude Awakening For Mitch McConnellHe discovered he not quite the studmuffin he always thought he was.



#BrokenNewsPostal Service Takes Photos Of Your MailIn the future, we may want to know what mail looked like.



___________________



August 10, 2013

#BrokenNews Bill Clinton Makes Statement On Weiner Then he said something about that guy running for mayor of New York City.


#BrokenNewsMiley Cyrus Strikes A Pose In Her Underwear” Hey, I’m striking a pose in my underwear right now! (And now the staff at Panera Bread are asking me to leave.)  


_______________                             ____



August 16, 2013

#BrokenNews8 Surprising Things That Can Boost Your Self-Esteem” That’s great! I think. Do I deserve self-esteem? Whatever is fine by me.


#BrokenNewsGay Couple Hosts Incredible  Batman-Themed Wedding” Those little cocktail wienies were called “Boy Wonders”!


#BrokenNews1,000 Dead Fish Found In Pond On National MallJoe Biden’s been peeing in the pond again!



___________________                             



August 23, 2013
















#BrokenNewsStalker Reportedly Goes Unnoticed In J.Lo's Home For 6 Nights” He was disguised a floor lamp in a guest bedroom. He was discovered when someone tried to change his bulb.



_________________                                __


August 30, 2013








#BrokenNews Boehner Promises 'Whale Of A Fight' Over Debt Ceiling” This reminds me of Moby Dick but without the Moby part. 



#BrokenNewsBoehner To Obama: Give Us Answers On Syria” Obama to Boehner: “No copying off my test or we’ll get in trouble.”

__________________                                _


September 6, 2013












#BrokenNewsBig chill: Obama, Putin greeting shows strainThey kissed but no tongue action.


________________                              ___


September 13, 2013














#BrokenNewsPatrick Stewart Ties The Knot41 year old Wil Weaton looks forward to the day when he's 73 years old and be old enough to marry a 35 year old woman.


#BrokenNewsPrince William quits military to focus on charity workMeanwhile, William Prince of Newark NJ quits panhandling to focus on loud indiscriminate screaming.

___________________                              


September 20, 2013


#BrokenNewsTed Cruz Infuriates House GOP” He’s keeps coming over from the Senate taking Dr. Peppers out of the House break room fridge! (Dammit, Ted! Not cool!)


#BrokenNewsGwyneth Paltrow Talks Sex Addiction” People act weird when I try to talk about sex addiction. Maybe if I put some pants on first…?


________________                      ___

September 27, 2013





#BrokenNewsHillary Clinton's 2 Huge Vulnerabilities Exposed” Her hook shot and her perimeter defense. (But her 3 pointers are solid so watch out!)


#BrokenNewsMiley Cyrus Gets Nude For Rolling Stone” Rolling Stone asks Miley to put her clothes back on.




_________________                           __


October 11, 2013













#BrokenNewsTed Cruz: Shutdown Battle Has 'Not Remotely' Hurt GOP's Image” That’s true! They already looked like assholes before the shutdown!


#BrokenNews'Tasteless' Waterboarding Jokes Told At Dick Cheney Roast” Well, the tasteful waterboarding jokes just aren’t as funny.


_________________                            __


October 18, 2013

#BrokenNewsSupreme Court To Review Greenhouse Gases Regulations” Court also reviewing the “he who smelt dealt it” rule, as a favor to Clarence Thomas 



#BrokenNews’Glee’ to end after season sixEnding it’s acclaimed 1 season run. 



__________________                               _


October 25, 2013















#BrokenNewsObama Speaks Out About Health Care Website Issues
The President's remarks are online and… buffering...buffering…
it seems like Obama…
buffering…buffering
is trying to say...
buffering…buffering...
is trying...
buffering…buffering...
oh f**k it!




#BrokenNewsObama: 'Nobody's More Frustrated Than I Am'” He just can’t get past level 275 of Candy Crush, dammit!

_____________                             ____
And I guess THAT is enough torture for one day, eh?  


If you're genuinely interested in the complete installments of previous entries of bROkEN nEWs, just click on the drop down menu on the right side of the screen.  

Next week is another special edition of bROkEN nEWs then in TWO weeks we're back with all new nonsense.

Again, sorry about the reruns but if you're really upset about it, by all means let me know through our handy dandy bROkEN nEWs cOMpLAiNt dEpARtMeNt.  


"Bill, do you give a fuck about any complaints about this shit blog?"
"For once, Hillary, no, I'm not
giving a fuck at all."

Until next time, be cool and be good to one another.

The Dems Went Down To Georgia

OK, so let’s assess the situation in Washington.   Donald Trump is an idiot. Li’l Donnie continues to fumble petulantly about t...