Friday, March 7, 2014

Broken News for Friday, March 7th, 2014

Oh shit, that's a scary banner! 

Sorry about that, guys and gals! Vladimir Putin has invaded my blog. 

Hey, it's Friday and you've found your way to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You. I would mock you for your lack of a social life as evidenced by your reading this blog on a Friday night except...well here I am posting this blog on a Friday night. 

I am Dave-El and because this is Friday, I'm serving up another installment of bROkEN nEWs! Yes, this is when I package up a collection of witty comments and amusing repartee on the week's news.  

Well, that's what I package up. What is actually delivered on this page is anyone's guess. 

Shall we get this thing a-goin'? 

bROkEN nEWs is on it's way...

In 5...





#BrokenNews "Russia Trying To Create Pretext To Invade Further" Reason #47: Ukraine looks so lonely over there.

#BrokenNews "Russia Promises Retaliation Over Sanctions" In other words, the basic "you started it by hitting back" bully defense.
(It worked for Putin in 1st grade.)

#BrokenNews"Russia TV Anchor Condemns Invasion Of Ukraine" She is now on "special assignment" to Siberia.

#BrokenNews "Christiane Amanpour Scolds Wolf Blitzer" Which is awfully nice of her since Wolf has to usually pay extra for "scolding".

#BrokenNews "Wall Street's Latest Dangerous Financial Product" Oh, I’m sure it’s not dangerous…to anyone on Wall Street. (You, Average Schmuck Person? Yeah, you’re probably fucked.)

And NOW....that picture thang we do! 

Annnnnnd...back to the headlines! 

#BrokenNews "Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa): Homosexuality Can't Be 'Independently Verified'" Also can't be independently verified: Rep. Steve King of Iowa. 

#BrokenNews "State Votes Not To Kick Poor People Off Medicaid" There's no fun in kicking poor people; throw them off Medicaid using catapults! Weeee!

#BrokenNews "Trump Remembers The 'Late, Great Jimmy Carter'... Who Is Still Alive" Not unlike the furry creature that lives on top of Donald Trump's head!

#BrokenNews "Army's Top Sexual Assault Prosecutor Reportedly Groped Colleague" So he should have some idea how to do that.

#BrokenNews "Lindsey Graham Somehow Links Ukraine To Benghazi" That's one fucked up map you got there, Lindsey!

Now it's time for another installment of....

bROkEN nEWs tHAt cOUnTs!

Please give a warm welcome to...


*Playing The Count today will be the acclaimed actor of stage and screen, Sir Patrick Stewart.

Greetings, friends, Romans, countrymen! And...BLAH! the Count and I like to...count. Yes! I LOVE to count! And today we have something very useful to count for you renters out there. Here are THIRTEEN things that you...what? You want me to what? Surely the audience for this blog knows how to....? Sigh. Very well. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13...YES, THIRTEEN things you should ask your landlord. So...make it so!
Er, engage.
All right: BLAH! 

13 Things You Need To Ask Your Landlord

  1. Is cash OK to pay the rent?
  2. Does it matter if there are blood stains on the cash?
  3. Are there rules against screaming?
  4. You know, what kind of screaming might be considered too loud?
  5. Are blood curdling screams OK or just happy screams?
  6. Are there hours where screaming would be inappropriate?
  7. Is there a refrigerator?
  8. Is it big enough to store, oh let's say a human body?
  9. Is there a basement?
  10. Is it soundproof?
  11. Am I liable for blood stains on the carpet?
  12. Can I use my chain saw?
  13. Is there somewhere I can store my wood chipper?

OK, that was...weird. Hey, did anyone get Mr. Stewart to...what? He's left already? But I really need his signature on this "Do Not Sue Agree-", "Pay Voucher".

More headlines? Yes, please!

#BrokenNews "John McCain Attacks Obama Over Something He Wrote -- In College" Yikes! That report I wrote questioning the merits of a free market society may come back to haunt me if it's still in my kindergarten file. 

#BrokenNews Jindal Compares Obama Administration To Segregationists” And Obama owns a plantation! (Wow! Who knew?) 

#BrokenNewsMitch McConnell's Got A Gun” A gun? Just "A" gun?! The NRA is displeased: Mitch McConnell should have LOTS of guns!

#BrokenNews'Upskirt' Photos Ruled Legal In Massachusetts” New state motto: “Land of 10,000 Pervs”

Wait, I've just received an update here at the bROkEN nEWs dEsK (one leg is wobbly and there's a stuck drawer): 

Massachusetts Outlaws 'Upskirt' Photos After Court Ruling

Oh. That's just....just...


What the fuck am I supposed to do with these 250,000 "Massachusetts: Land of 10,000 Pervs" T-shirts NOW?!?! Here you go, another example of government interference in private enterprise!!

#BrokenNews "Giant Ancient Virus 'Comes Back To Life'" Then it slinks and slithers through the underbrush before attacking the young couple having sex under the stars in the back of a Dodge Durango!

Yeah, that's preposterous. It would probably be a Chevy Tahoe. 

#BrokenNews "'Real Housewives' Stars Plead Guilty To Fraud Charges" Turns out, they're not so much "housewives", closer to "housewhores". 

I would also hazard a guess that with all the plastic surgery, not so much "real" either.

Hey, speaking of plastic surgery....

#BrokenNews "Liza Minelli Responds To Ellen's Controversial Oscars Joke" Or will try to respond if she can unfreeze her face and make her lips move. 

And speaking of Ellen and the Oscars, looks who's here to say good night! 

Thanks for the send off, guys! 


So that's it for this week's bROkEN nEWs

Your thoughts and feelings are important to me. So if you have any concerns regarding any of the material presented here today, if you were offended in any way, please, I urge you to bring this to the attention of the...

bROkEN nEWs cOMpLAiNt dEpARTmEnt

"What? I'm 116 years old! Do you think I give a crap?!"

Yeah, right. 

Until next time, be good to one another, 'kay?

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