Broken News On a Break (March 21, 2014)
Hi! Dave-El here and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that challenges your belief in cheese.
Today is Friday and this is when I normally post my weekly allegedly humorous look at the week's news headline, bROkEN nEWs. Well, today is no different.
In fact, today is so not different that the headlines will look very familiar.
In other words: reruns. Sorry.
The last time I did bROkEN nEWs oN a bReAK (back at the end of November 2013), I posted a sampling of headlines from June and July of that year. Today we'll look back on some selected headlines from August, September and October of 2013.
August 2, 2013
#BrokenNews “Pope: 'Who am I to judge' gay people?” The pope has absolutely NO gaydar whatsoever.
#BrokenNews “Rude Awakening For Mitch McConnell” He discovered he not quite the studmuffin he always thought he was.
#BrokenNews “Postal Service Takes Photos Of Your Mail” In the future, we may want to know what mail looked like.
August 10, 2013
#BrokenNews “Bill Clinton Makes Statement On Weiner” Then he said something about that guy running for mayor of New York City.
#BrokenNews “Miley Cyrus Strikes A Pose In Her Underwear” Hey, I’m striking a pose in my underwear right now! (And now the staff at Panera Bread are asking me to leave.)
August 16, 2013
#BrokenNews “8 Surprising Things That Can Boost Your Self-Esteem” That’s great! I think. Do I deserve self-esteem? Whatever is fine by me.
#BrokenNews “Gay Couple Hosts Incredible Batman-Themed Wedding” Those little cocktail wienies were called “Boy Wonders”!
#BrokenNews “1,000 Dead Fish Found In Pond On National Mall” Joe Biden’s been peeing in the pond again!
|August 23, 2013|
#BrokenNews “Stalker Reportedly Goes Unnoticed In J.Lo's Home For 6 Nights” He was disguised a floor lamp in a guest bedroom. He was discovered when someone tried to change his bulb.
|August 30, 2013|
#BrokenNews “Boehner Promises 'Whale Of A Fight' Over Debt Ceiling” This reminds me of Moby Dick but without the Moby part.
#BrokenNews “Boehner To Obama: Give Us Answers On Syria” Obama to Boehner: “No copying off my test or we’ll get in trouble.”
|September 6, 2013|
#BrokenNews “Big chill: Obama, Putin greeting shows strain” They kissed but no tongue action.
|September 13, 2013|
#BrokenNews “Patrick Stewart Ties The Knot” 41 year old Wil Weaton looks forward to the day when he's 73 years old and be old enough to marry a 35 year old woman.
#BrokenNews “Prince William quits military to focus on charity work” Meanwhile, William Prince of Newark NJ quits panhandling to focus on loud indiscriminate screaming.
September 20, 2013
#BrokenNews “Ted Cruz Infuriates House GOP” He’s keeps coming over from the Senate taking Dr. Peppers out of the House break room fridge! (Dammit, Ted! Not cool!)
#BrokenNews “Gwyneth Paltrow Talks Sex Addiction” People act weird when I try to talk about sex addiction. Maybe if I put some pants on first…?
September 27, 2013
#BrokenNews “Hillary Clinton's 2 Huge Vulnerabilities Exposed” Her hook shot and her perimeter defense. (But her 3 pointers are solid so watch out!)
#BrokenNews “Miley Cyrus Gets Nude For Rolling Stone” Rolling Stone asks Miley to put her clothes back on.
|October 11, 2013|
#BrokenNews “Ted Cruz: Shutdown Battle Has 'Not Remotely' Hurt GOP's Image” That’s true! They already looked like assholes before the shutdown!
#BrokenNews “'Tasteless' Waterboarding Jokes Told At Dick Cheney Roast” Well, the tasteful waterboarding jokes just aren’t as funny.
October 18, 2013
#BrokenNews “Supreme Court To Review Greenhouse Gases Regulations” Court also reviewing the “he who smelt dealt it” rule, as a favor to Clarence Thomas
#BrokenNews “’Glee’ to end after season six” Ending it’s acclaimed 1 season run.
|October 25, 2013|
#BrokenNews “Obama Speaks Out About Health Care Website Issues”
The President's remarks are online and… buffering...buffering…
it seems like Obama…
is trying to say...
oh f**k it!
#BrokenNews “Obama: 'Nobody's More Frustrated Than I Am'” He just can’t get past level 275 of Candy Crush, dammit!_____________ ____
And I guess THAT is enough torture for one day, eh?
If you're genuinely interested in the complete installments of previous entries of bROkEN nEWs, just click on the drop down menu on the right side of the screen.
Next week is another special edition of bROkEN nEWs then in TWO weeks we're back with all new nonsense.
Again, sorry about the reruns but if you're really upset about it, by all means let me know through our handy dandy bROkEN nEWs cOMpLAiNt dEpARtMeNt.
|"Bill, do you give a fuck about any complaints about this shit blog?"|
"For once, Hillary, no, I'm not
giving a fuck at all."
Until next time, be cool and be good to one another.