Hi there! I'm Dave-El and this is I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, your leading internet source for gastrointestinal distress.
You may think running a blog is not that big a deal and can be done cheaply or even for free. Well, you'd think that. But coming up with big words like "gastrointestinal" involves some high level blogging. So to pay the bills, I occasionally have to give this space over to a sponsor for a commercial in print.
So let's see who we have as a sponsor today. I believe it's some kind of pharmaceutical company...
Man, life is good.
You're strong. You're in charge.
People respect you. People fear you.
You have power. You have prestige.
You are Vladimir Putin.
You lead a nation that hangs on your every word.
You stand astride a world that heeds your every action.
And some times...
Sometimes your dick doesn't work.
That's when you need Ukraine-It-Up, the male enhancement for Russian leaders.
Just take two pills and order an invasion of the Ukraine and just like that....
You feel like a Cossack again!
Strong, confident, virile!
You're ready to screw everything!
And you don't care because you're Vladimir Putin and your dick works again, thanks to Ukraine-It-Up
Side effects may include...
- Blurred vision
- Heat vision
- Babushkas in your pants
- Discoloration of your dick
- Your dick may even turn invisible
- Annoying phone calls from President Obama
- Stiffness in the neck
- Rigidness in your opinions
- Tingling in the hands and feet
- Even more tingling in your dick
- Ringing in the ears
- Wait, that's the phone
- Annoying phone calls from John Kerry
- You may sound like a duck
- Menstrual bleeding
- Breasts may be tender
- A realization that there is a cold dark pit where your soul is supposed to be but that's not a side effect that's just you
- Dick may shrink
- Dick may start talking to you
- Dick may start to look like Woody Allen
- Annoying phone calls from the ghost of Leonid Brezhnev
- Bloated balls
- Shriveled balls
- Balls that are bloated and shriveled at the same time.
- There may be a strange burning odor coming from your scrotum
- Dick warts
- Ball warts
- An uncontrollable urge for man-love with Johnny Weir
- Ruptured dick
If your invasion of the Ukraine lasts more than 4 weeks, please see your doctor.
You have a steel hard grasp on power.
You should have a dick to match.
Ask your doctor if Ukraine-It-Up is right for you. Then order that doctor shipped to Siberia and shot because people don't need to know that Vladimir Putin's dick doesn't work.
For life. For health.
For Vladimir Putin's non functioning dick.
A couple of things:
1) I gotta admire an erectile dysfunction ad that just comes out and says, "Your dick don't work."
2) The audience for this product seems oddly...specific.
And if by some chance this "commercial" comes to the attention of Vladimir Putin and he is upset by it, well "Crimea" river because I don't care.
Get it? "Crimea"?
Damn, geopolitical humor is lost on some people.
Y'all be good to one another