Friday, March 28, 2014

Broken News On A Break (March 28, 2014)

Hi there! 

Dave-El here and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You

I'm not here right now (see Monday's Blog Business post from March 24th) but your patronage is important to me so I wanted to be sure something was here for our weekly fun fest torture time known as bROkEN nEWs!  

This week's post collects some of the lists posted in the Fall of 2013 under a feature we like to call bROkEN nEWs tHaT cOuNtS!

And returning to the fold after a two week contractual dispute well deserved vacation is....THE COUNT!

Take it away, Count! 

"Hello, kids! The Count is back!
Ahem! I need to read this:
'It is a joy and a pleasure to be back here working with Dave-El and contributing to a high quality entertainment forum such as 
bROkEN nEWs!'Blah! OK, let's get this thing started.
Last fall, this whole Obamacare thing was causing a lot of worries what with the website crashing!
Me, what do I know about websites? Cobwebs, those I understand! That add a nice homey touch to a Count's castle!
So here's a list from last year on six...yes! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6....SIX things even the media didn't understand about Obamacare!

6 Things The Media Doesn't Understand About Obamacare

1) Obama will not administer your Preparation H personally… for any donation to the Democratic National Committee of less than $250,000.00
2) There is no special provision for Bill Clinton to go around asking young women to stick out there tongue and say “ah”. Bill Clinton’s just doing that in his free time.
3) However, there really is a provision for Joe Biden to go around asking young men to turn their head and cough. Man, we just love fucking with Joe!
4) There are nutritional guidelines for healthy living in the Obamacare package. You can ignore those. We needed to throw that shit in there to make Michelle shut the hell up. 5) Vaginal ultrasounds are not required under Obamacare but they’re still available if you’re into that sort of thing. Who are we to judge?
6) In order to save money, rectal thermometers have been reclassified for multi-use.

"Something very important that comes under healthcare are babies! Blah! And babies have to start from somewhere and that somewhere is something really icky called sperm. And that's something we just don't talk about on Sesame Street! So here are 9...ooh boy! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...NINE things you didn't know about sperm! BLAH!"

9 Things You Never Knew About Sperm

1) Sperm are actually quite shy. 
2) While sperm are very good swimmers, they are most proud of their basketball abilities. 
3) Sperm can glow in the dark but they just don’t like to. 
4) Sperm really does make a good hair gel.
5) If you listen really carefully, you can hear sperm yell “yee-haa” in teeny tiny voices during ejaculation.
6) If you name a sperm “Sherman” and call it “Sherm Sperm”, it will be really cross with you.
7) Most sperm are very stupid. Ladies, at least one will try to impregnate your spleen. 8) There is no evidence that a single sperm controls the brain functions of Rush Limbaugh but come on! 
9) Sperm just wants to cuddle. 

"Before you let any sperm get near your you-know-whats (and if you know what you-know-whats are, you are very smart, very perverted or both! Blah!), you should make sure you're with the right guy! Maybe you're not if you one of these three...1, 2, 3...THREE warning signs! BLAH!"

1) He makes you wear a "Hi, my name is..." tag.
2) He asked which bridesmaid he should bang first.
3) His choice of reception caterer has a wide variety of squirrel-based dishes. 

"Sometimes you don't always make
the best decisions! Sometimes you feel...well, let's be blunt, stupid!
Like agreeing to come back and do some silly counting bit for a weird little blog that can only cause trouble with your really good paying gig but someone has incriminating photographs of...well, I digress!
So here are 5....1, 2, 3, 4, 5...FIVE ways to deals with those feeling stupid feelings. BLAH!"

1) Think, "What would Ted Cruz do?" 
2) Go on Fox News, get it out of your system.
3) Revel in your intellectual superiority over the contestants on "Family Feud".
4) Cause a government shutdown.
5) Embrace that feeling and run for public office.

"My lawyer just advised me that I should be more...careful...of what I say about this...wonderful blog and the wonderful man, Dave-El, who is the creative and inventive genius behind it!
Here's a list of 5 times...
yes, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...FIVE times to keep, YOUR mouth shut!

5 Times You Should Just Keep Your 

Mouth Shut

1) "I don’t mean to sound racist…"
2) "Well, now that you mention it…"
3) "No! No, I’m NOT okay and you want to know why?"
4) "If you REALLY want my opinion…"
5) "Hi! I’m Ted Cruz!"

"Here are! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8...EIGHT fashion mistakes that can make you look older than you are!
Notice "capes" are not on the list!

8 Fashion Mistakes That Instantly Age You

1) Coveralls 
2) Feed store cap
3) John Deere cap 
4) Bonnet 
5) Black socks with shorts
6) White socks with black pants
7) Any ensemble with a high denim-to-plaid correlation
8) Nightshirt (preferably with soup stains)

"Finally, here are 7...yes, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...SEVEN things that will kill a relationship. I assure you, Dave-El, I have given NONE of these any thought whatsoever.

7 Things That Will Kill Any New 


1) A gun
2) Also a knife works too
3) Really, almost any blunt instrument. A shovel, maybe.
4) Bow & arrow, you know, if the relationship is standing a long way away.
5) Electrocution. Careful, don't stand too close.
6) Poison. If you have the time for that.
7) Not being attentive to your partner's needs


Thanks, Count, and welcome back to the blog! 

Next week, we're back with a special "welcome back" post on Thursday, April 3rd and on Friday, April 4thbROkEN nEWs is back and ALL NEW! 

Until next time, be good to one another!

Oh look! It's a present from the Count! Why does it say "BOMB" on the side? 

(snuffs out the fuse) 

Oh, Count! You are such a kidder!

Doctor Who: The Dalek Planet - Episode Four

DISCLAIMER:  I'm doing this for fun, not profit. This is not officially sanctioned by the BBC and the producers of Doctor Who.   In c...