Friday, March 14, 2014

Broken News For Friday, March 14, 2014













Hi there! Travels through the back roads of the internet have brought you here to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that's NOT giving up on you whether you say something or not.*

*Is this not THE saddest song EVER? 

I'm Dave-El and because this is Friday, it's time for me to inflict....er, present an ALL NEW installment of bROkEN nEWs! 

By the way, today is March 14th which numerically looks like 3:14 which is of course that famous verse from the Bible where the disciples bought Jesus a pie. (Made with dates and figs which is how they rolled back then.) So have a happy and blessed Pie Day!

This week, bROkEN nEWs is brought to you by....


MILK


It comes from a cow.
And you drink it.
Seriously. 

Isn't it weird when you think about it?
MILK


So hang on tight 'cause bROkEN nEWs is coming up in 5...

4...

3...

2...


____________________________



#BrokenNews "Ted Cruz Makes Delusional Claim" Now hold on, maybe Ted Cruz did come in 2nd in the Galveston TX Pretty Princess Pageant in 1982. 


#BrokenNews "Rupert Murdoch Jumps To Conclusions" No, Murdoch pays people to jump to conclusions for him. 


#BrokenNews "Rand Paul: U.S. Should Drill In 'Every Possible, Conceivable Place' To Address Ukraine Situation" Looks like Paul Rand is getting his foreign policy ideas from watching "Girls" on HBO.*

*You know, "drilling"? In "every place"? Like the sex scenes on "Girls"? 

Wow, tough crowd.


#BrokenNews "CIA Creates New Scandal While Covering Up Old Scandal" It's important to keep things fresh and exciting. 


#BrokenNews "Ann Coulter Disparages 'Browning Of America'" There's no reason to be bitter just because you have trouble getting a good tan, Mister Coulter.


#BrokenNews "Alleged Johnny Carson Sex Tape Is Making The Rounds" Be warned: 1/5 of it is Jay Leno.

Uh oh! Nobody gets that? Time to get help from...
The Department of 
Punchline Explanations
1990's Division 

Back in the day when Johnny Carson was hosting the Tonight Show, Johnny himself was frequently not there and relied on guest hosts in lieu of re-runs. Of course no one does guest hosts these days lest David Letterman finds out his guest host is getting better ratings than he is.  

For years the Tonight Show used different celebrities to fill in for Carson but eventually the producers settled on Jay Leno as their permanent guest host. The thing was even when Johnny was working a week, he didn't host the Monday show, Jay did. So 1/5 of the work week, Jay Leno was the host, not Johnny. 

As always, the Department of Punchline Explanations apologizes for any confusion you may have experienced.



Isn't it time for that picture thing we do?





Next, we have another installment of....

bROkEN nEWs tHAt cOuNtS! 

So give a warm welcome to....the Count!

(Psst! Get 'im out there! I know it's not...Look, they won't notice the difference, OK?) 

Ahem! 

So give a warm welcome to....the Count!


"Hello, everyone! I'm Count Cho...er, The Count! Yes, THE Count! And I like cereal...uh, I like COUNTING cereal. And other things too! Yes, I love to count! Because I'm a Count, you know? (Ooh, I just got that!) Anyway, you may ask yourself if you're in the wrong relationship. (I know I'm asking myself that right now. Seriously, I need to get caller ID or something so when Dave-El calls, I....uh oh, digressing. Sorry.) Anyway, here are ten...yes, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10...TEN! ways to know you're in a bad relationship!
OK, I'm done, right? I can go? What? Oh, yeah.
BLAH!
OK, now I'm gone!" 


10 Signs You're In 
The Wrong Relationship

  1. He was no idea where your vagina is
  2. She likes to sleep with a giraffe; no, not a stuffed toy giraffe...
  3. He tells you that, in fact, those pants DO make your ass look fat. 
  4. She keeps pouring concrete into the abandoned well where she dropped you three days ago
  5. He keeps bringing home human skulls when that just doesn't do it for you anymore.
  6. The way she sucks your dick when you're not in the room
  7. He insists that you wear a name tag
  8. She constantly nags you to do something with your life  after you've worked hard all day trying to unscramble the porn channel
  9. The way he hisses and flicks his serpent tongue during sex.
  10. She's a Kardashian


What? Count Choc...er, The Count LEFT? What the hell! We have another one of these bROkEN nEWs tHAt cOuNtS coming up later and....

Fine! Let's find another sucker...ah, helpful person. 

Meanwhile, MORE headlines! 

#BrokenNews "Lindsey Graham Challenger Calls The Senator 'Ambiguously Gay'"Kudos to GOP primary challenger Dave Feliciano for knowing a big word like 'ambiguously' and using it in a sentence.


#BrokenNews "GOP Lawmaker Makes Wildly Offensive Joke About 'Battered Women'" The solution is, of course, hire better writers to come up with 'battered women' jokes that are not offensive. 



#BrokenNews "Peeing In The Pool May Be Bad For You" If you can't figure that out for yourself, urine a lot of trouble. 

Get it? Urine...you're in...? It's a pun and...

Yeah, let's move on. 


#BrokenNews “Michele Bachmann Claims Gay People Are Bullying Americans” Yeah, ganging up on straights, forcing them to get mani-pedis. 

#BrokenNews "Chelsea Clinton Reveals Her Awkward Obsession" Let it go, Chelsea; I'm too old for you. 


#BrokenNews "Iraq Bill Would Legalize Child Marriage, Severely Limit Women's Rights" Or what the Tea Party here in America would call "progress". 


#BrokenNews "Despite Scandal, DC Mayor Makes Pitch For 2nd Term" Are you kidding? Having a scandal is a job requirement for DC mayors. 


Hey, let's do bROkEN nEWs...but with pictures! 





Speaking of 'Game of Thrones'...

Anybody want to explain why those dudes are carry shields shaped like nipples?


Oh look! We have another installment of....

bROkEN nEWs tHAt cOuNtS

So give a warm welcome to....

(Er, do we have somebody? Huh? What do you mean, we have "something" ready to go? Oh, never mind. Let's do this thing!)

Ladies and gentlemen, The COUNT! 


"What? Am I on? I am? Oh, this is SO exciting! Me, a kitchen counter actually in show business! As a performer! Who would've thought it possible, huh? Oh, sorry, I'm rambling and I'm supposed to be...what's the phrase?..."in character"? Right! (Ahem!) Hello, I am the Count. (Tee hee! This is so much fun!) Today we are going to count six...wait, five....let's see, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...FIVE fascinating things you don't know about the female body. Wow! Five! Whoo!
What? Oh!
Blat! No, wait! BLAH!
Sorry."


5 Fascinating Things 

You Don't Know About 

The Female Body


  1. The female body produces intense heat beams through the eyes
  2. The female body can quickly form a third breast in case of emergency 
  3. The female body has a gooey caramel center
  4. The female body glows in the dark when truly sexually aroused
  5. The female body can use the vagina as a USB port 

"Wow! That was some fascinating stuff! I know a few things about the female body. One time one had sex right on top of me. Yeah, my marble finish got a good buffering that night if you know what I mean. That reminds me of...."

"Sorry, I gotta go! 'Bye!" 

Sigh. 

Headlines? Headlines! 


#BrokenNews “CIA Boss: No We Didn't Spy On Congress... Top Senator: Yes You Did... “ And so began the great “Did Not/Did Too” Debate that historians would recount with wonder hundreds of years from now. 



#BrokenNews “Crimea Seeks To Become Independent State” If it’s, like, cool and stuff with Russia, you know?





#BrokenNews “Right-Wing Pundit Goes After 'Frozen'” But of course because ‘Frozen’ is clearly a left leaning liberal attack on the fundamental decency of the American family! (Wow! That’ll sound great on my Fox News audition tape!)



#BrokenNewsMan May Sue First Responders Who Saved His Life” Leading first responders to establish a “save everybody but assholes” rule.

OK, to be fair, that means a LOT of people would be totally screwed, huh? 


#BrokenNews "FBI Hunting Hawaii For Country's Top Domestic Terror Suspect" The FBI is determined to find this terrorist bastard, even if they have to search every inch of Hawaii as well as Barbados, the Cayman Islands and the French Riviera! 


#BrokenNews "Capitol Power Outage Makes It Even Harder To Not Accomplish Anything" At the Huffington Post, a headline writer pushes away from his monitor and reviews his work. He takes a swig of the bourbon he keeps under the desk. Life is good. 

______________________________

So the calliope has crashed to the ground meaning the end of another installment of bROkEN nEWs.  

If you had any problems, concerns or complaints with any of the material presented here today, please bring these to the attention of the bROkEN nEWs cOMpLAiNt dEpARTmEnt

And look who's in charge today at the complaint desk today. It's the erudite host of the updated 'Cosmos' series, Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Take it away, Neil! 


"I understand the wonders of the infinite universe. But if you want me to explain Broken News, dude, you're on your own!"


Can't argue you with you 'bout that.

Until next time, remember to be good to one another. 


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