My Sex Life In Movie Titles

Hi, there!

Dave-El here and welcome to another edition of I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You. If you're enjoyment of this blog last 4 hours or longer, call a doctor.

You know what I haven't posted about lately? Sex!

I used to think I didn't want to use sex as some kind of salacious lure to get people to come to my blog. I felt the quality of my posts should be sufficient.

Then went over my posts and considered the actual quality of my posts.

So sex is OK.


A few times I've done posts under the heading Tales of the Strange and the Perverse which...you know, I'm not sure I can describe so just go look for yourself.

The woman who REALLY LOVES her garbage disposal.
The woman dressed as an M&M. (No peanut. I checked.)
Katy Perry getting freaky with the Simpsons.
The ladies of vicTORIorious dressed as cheese.
 
I wish I had something like that today.

Instead I am posting some Tweets that were made a few weeks ago under the trending topic #mysexlifeinmovietitles. 

As an added bonus, I'm going to figure out what the hell I was thinking when I wrote these.

Or prattle on mindlessly.

Yeah, that won't be hard.
 
(That's what SHE said!)

Onward!

"How to Train Your Dragon" #mysexlifeinmovietitles

I guess this is along the lines of bravado, that I'm comparing the size of Mr. Happy to a dragon. Or Mr. Happy is burning and scaly.

Yes, I can him Mr. Happy. He's also been called Wrong Way Willie but I really don't want to go there.

(That's what SHE said!)

"Hancock" #mysexlifeinmovietitles

OK, the word "cock" is in there so using this title was an easy one. But ultimately kind of weird. What exactly is my relationship to the subject? Since "Hancock" suggests "hand cock", we probably should just move on. Oh another note, have you ever wondered about people with the word "cock" in their name? "Peacock" is especially egregious when it makes you think of urination and an erect penis at the same time. 

"Sister Act" OK, that's just plain WRONG! That never happened. #mysexlifeinmovietitles Again.

Everybody loves incest jokes, right? But seriously, how many people have gotten busy with at least a cousin? (You can't see it by I'm raising my hand.) She was cute, we were alone in a barn and she wasn't fleeing from me in terror. Also, she was like several times removed as a cousin. She may have in fact been a cousin by being related to one of my brother's ex-wives. No, we did not have sex but I did get to first base on a walk, then got tagged out trying to steal second.

 

"Indecent Proposal" #mysexlifeinmovietitles

Now trying to turn a movie title into a joke about sex when the movie itself is about sex is not exactly living on the edge comedy. But this movie did inspire a really good wickedly evil Lex Luthor story by John Byrne so yeah, I'm connecting my sex column to a comic book story. Deal with it.

Lex has a bite to eat in some little coffee shop/diner in a small town 900 miles from Metropolis. (It's what it says on the sign outside.) Anyway, Lex lures in this pretty little waitress, tells her the story of her life so far and what a total waste that's been but she could hit the big time if she'll dump the diner and the husband and come with him to Metropolis. He puts her through mental hell only for the twisted pleasure of fucking with her mind. Cold, man!

"The Pelican Brief" #mysexlifeinmovietitles

(You REALLY don't want to know.)

I have a pelican in my underwear? Really, I have no idea where I was going with this.

"Seed of Chucky" #mysexlifeinmovietitles

 

This movie had a Tilly in it! Meg? Jennifer? Oh, I can't remember. It was a dilly of a Tilly.

Really.

"Mission: Impossible" #mysexlifeinmovietitles

When I was single, I had absolutely zero skills at hitting on women. That's the nice thing about being married, I don't have to worry about that shit. Instead of wondering if I'll going to have sex or not, I'm now pretty damn sure that no, I'm not. With that assuredness comes peace of mind.

 "As Good As It Gets" Really? OK, "Liar Liar" (Dammit!) #mysexlifeinmovietitles

 

Is this a boast? "Oh, yeah, baby! I'm taking you higher that you ever been! Oh hell yeah, this IS as good as it gets, uh huh!" Of course, tagging on a 2nd movie title ("Liar Liar") undermines that.

Or is this a statement of don't get your hopes up. "Sorry, I've wiped out already. What can I say? That is as good as it gets." Which means "Liar Liar" is telling you that's I'm just trying to fake you out and when it gets time for funky business time, I'm gonna blow your mind!

Probably not. 

"Dr. Dolittle" #mysexlifeinmovietitles

Guys, if you're getting a bit too excited, I find thinking of either Rex Harrison or Eddie Murphy is very effective at applying the brakes.
 

"Deep Impact" Whoops! Sorry, wrong film "Armageddon" #mysexlifeinmovietitles

Sex is never like it is in the movies. All soft lighting ("It's too dark in here! Wait, turn off the lights! TURN 'EM OFF!") and no stuff in the bed ("Ouch! Book light! In my ass!") Clothes come off  easily. ("I'm going to take your bra off. OK, that's 3 to the left, 10 to the right, 7 to the left..."). And agreeing with each other very loudly. ("Are you done? Sorry, I didn't notice.")

"Stuart Little" #mysexlifeinmovietitles

It's not little! OK, it's not THAT little! OK, OK, it's sort of little...ish.

Actually this is a TRUE story! (Swear to God, I am NOT making this up! Seriously!) I was in bed with this girl I was dating and we had sex for the first time and she said to me (REALLY! I AM NOT LYING!!), "I see they raise horses in your family!"

That is the best damn thing ANYONE has ever said to me in MY LIFE!
 

"Gone With the Wind" #mysexlifeinmovietitles

 

And....

 

"Missing" #mysexlifeinmovietitles

A double feature on the non-existent sex life. Ah, to no longer feel the passion, the heat, the driving need to be as close to one another as possible as hearts pound and breathing becomes gasps of unbridled ecstasy.

Yeah, marriage is the death of all that.

OK, let's go out with a joke. It's an oldie but a goodie.

(That's what she said!)

But it's one of my favorites.

Britain's Prime Minister Winston Churchill approaches a beautiful woman at an elegant, high class society affair and says, "My dear, would you sleep with me for a million pounds?"

The woman blushes but smiles and replies, "Yes, I believe I would."

Winston Churchill nods and says, "Excellent! Now, would you sleep with me for 1 pound?"

Now the woman looks indignant and repulsed, snapping angrily, "Why, I'd never! What kind of woman do you think I am?"

Churchill, "Oh, we've already determined that. Now we're negotiating the price."

So that's it for this blog post. Damn, it was strange, even more me.

Until next time, if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.

And be good to one another.

___________________________

Dave-El can also be found on Twitter here where I would be embarrassing myself if anyone was paying attention.