Sunday, September 29, 2013

Why We Can't Date

From Free LOL

Hello and welcome to I'm So Glad My
Suffering Amuses You, the blog that's looking for love in all the wrong places.

I'm Dave-El and if there's one thing I've proven on this blog time and time again, it's this: I do not necessarily need to have any actual expertise on whatever topic upon which I feel the need to pontificate.

For example, in today's blog, we discuss dating.

When I was single, I sucked at dating. Sucked. At. It. Really badly. The sad irony is that once a man is wise enough to figure out what a woman really wants and can make an appeal to that, that man is too old, too married or too beaten down from being old and married to do anything about it.

Youth is, indeed, wasted on the young.

Anyway, about a week ago, this topic was trending on Twitter: . Like most things on Twitter, if I can think of about 5 to 10 lame jokes to make on a topic, I will weigh in on said topic.

So here we go, brought together in one handy dandy easy to ignore package are my tweets on the topic of .
you're going to say bad things about my wife.

I can't bring my pet with me. Love me, love my giraffe.

you don't appreciate the fine culinary experience of dining at Outback by which I mean the McDonald's dumpster out back.

you insist on sleeping through our dates. OK, you're in a coma, I get it! Can we move on?

you keep giving me oral sex under the dinner table because mom & dad are looking at me funny.   

you're a vampire cause I too am a vampire & we would be too much alike. 

you won't let me bring my other date along.

you keep tasering my gonads over & over. (I'll let you know when I'm ready for that

you insist on bringing your homework with you on our date. Yes, I know: 6th grade math is hard!    

OK, that one is kind of pervy in a pedophilia kind of way. So I started thinking, maybe I should have...what do you call them? Yeah, standards.

So here are two that did NOT make the cut to be on Twitter:
 you keep screaming, "Get away from me! HELP!" This is SO awkward, people are starting to stare.

 we're related. Dating my sister is WRONG! Even if you're hot. Uh, you did know you were adopted, right?

Rape and incest jokes? Really? That is so, so wrong and I'm so very, very sorry.

Even though you gotta admit, the sister one is kind of funny, right? I mean, WRONG! Bad blogger! Bad!

Well, despite the foray into morally questionable material, I hope you've enjoyed my little segment on . If you are single (or allegedly single) and on the dating scene, remember you are a valuable and important individual and you should not be ashamed to have standards on who you date.

And if you don't have standards. please feel free to share the salacious details as I am old and married and have a diminished capacity for pleasure.

Thank you and I'm so glad my suffering amuses you.

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