Cinema Sunday: RED, RED 2 and The Hitman's Bodyguard

Hi there! Today I’m launching a new blog post series called Cinema Sunday.

On occasion, I will post in this blog how I will abscond from the Fortress of Ineptitude to go see whatever recent release is out in movie theaters. 

These posts are not about that.

Cinema Sunday will be posts on movies from my past, movies ranging from my childhood to flicks I’ve stumbled across on cable. 

Today’s post is about 3 movies of a relatively recent vintage and linked by the theme “stuff blowed up real good”. 

Way back in the 1980s, the Canadian sketch comedy show SCTV had a recurring feature called the Farm Film Report, a film review show hosted by two cover-all wearing farmers who would rate movies on a variety of criteria but they’re favorite films were the ones where “stuff blowed up real good”. 

I like movies where “stuff blowed up real good” as much as any red blooded heteronormative male but I prefer “stuff blowed up real good” with a sense of humor.

Which brings us to the first film in today’s post, RED, loosely (very, very loosely) based on the DC comic by Warren Ellis and Cully Hammer.  











RED is a CIA designation for “Retired, Extremely Dangerous”. It is a designation applied to one Frank Moses (Bruce Willis), a retired black-ops agent living alone in Cleveland, Ohio whose favorite activity is calling Sarah Ross (Mary Louise Parker) at the General Services Administration's pension office in Kansas City, Missouri, to report his pension checks haven't arrived.  (Checks Frank tears up to give him an excuse to call and talk to Sarah.)

So, Dave-El, is this some kind of rom-com? When does do we get to “stuff blowed up real good”?

How about now?

One night, a squad of heavily armed black garbed men infiltrate Frank’s house. Frank himself is padding through the house. As a man of a certain age, he had to get up to pee and now wants a snack. He seems oblivious to the hordes of ninja soldiers in his house.

Then in a sudden burst of violence, Frank takes out a ninja soldier. Then another one. Then another. And another. Look, I don’t know exactly how many ninja soldiers are in Frank’s house but whoever sent them did not send enough.

Meanwhile, Frank has left some bullets in a frying pan on a lit stove. Suddenly the house is lit the hell up with gun fire. And the hordes of ninja soldiers lurking outside began shooting up the house.

Stuff blowed up real good!

When it’s all over, all the ninja soldiers are dead or dying, the house is a bullet riddled shambles of something resembling a house and Frank Moses exits with nary a scratch on him.

And with that, RED is off and running. Realizing this hit squad tapped his phone, Frank realizes Sarah will be a target next so it’s off to Kansas City where Frank and Sarah’s first in person meeting does not go all that well.  In order to save her,  Frank snatches Sarah from her home. Sarah’s objections to this action are muffled by the silver duct tape over her mouth. Yep, Frank has to abduct his would-be girlfriend to save her life.  

Don’t worry. These crazy kids will work this out.


I’m not going to give a rote recitation of events through the rest of this movie.  Basically, Frank and the gang wind up in the crosshairs of their own government for something they have no knowledge off and nothing to do with. What draws me to this movie is the collection of characters we meet between bits where “stuff blowed up real good”. 

Like Frank’s former CIA mentor Joe Matheson (Morgan Freeman), doing the time in a nursing home waiting for cancer to kill him. Joe likes to pretend he can’t work the TV so one of the nurses will adjust it for him so Joe can ogle her curvaceous backside. An assassin comes for Joe. Joe may be biding his time waiting for cancer to do its work already but he hasn’t made it this far in life for some punk ass kill squad wannabe to take him out.

And there’s the British former wetwork agent Victoria Winslow (Helen Mirren), all polish and sophisticated style with a killer’s edge. She’s supposed to be a former wetwork agent but a girl gets bored sometimes. She still takes on the odd job here and there. 







I’m not sure how old Helen Mirren is (in her 70’s I think?) but damn if she isn’t hot in this movie. 

And there’s ex-Russian secret agent Ivan Simanov (Brian Cox), an avuncular character with a lot of kills on his ledger and a song of passion and romance in his heart for Victoria. 

But the most bizarre of Frank’s compatriots is Marvin Boggs (John Malkovich), a cynical and deeply paranoid man. How paranoid is he? He believes the CIA was dosing his coffee every day for years with LSD. The reason Marvin is so paranoid is, as Frank explains to Sarah, the CIA really was dosing Marvin’s coffee every day for years with LSD.  Marvin is living proof of the adage “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean you’re not being followed.”  Marvin is overly cautious, loaded with more weapons than most armies and a crazy sense of proportion and perspective. In one scene, Marvin stares down a missile fired point blank at him from a rocket launcher. Marvin shoots the missile in mid air, causing it to explode, destroying the rocket launcher and the person holding the rocket launcher.

Marvin is the kind of guy who can shoot someone in the head and then calmly expresses a desire for pancakes. “I feel like pancakes. Anybody want pancakes?”  

Marvin's my favorite character. 

And between all these quirky characters, “stuff blowed up real good”.  

In an action adventure film, I’m all for “stuff blowed up real good”.   The more stuff the better. The more blowed up, the better. But I’m too old for mere spectacle. I need humor and heart and RED delivers on that. 

And as a man closer to senior citizen than middle aged, I like the idea of these older actors as older characters playing with bullets and explosions. And having fun doing it.  

Next I want to touch base with RED 2.  If you like RED, you’ll probably like RED 2. 

Basically, Frank and the gang wind up in the crosshairs of their own government for something they have no knowledge off and nothing to do with… again.

Only this time there is a NUCLEAR BOMB!

So RED 2 has that going for it.

Also, RED 2 has Anthony Hopkins going for it, dusting off the crazy Hannibal Lector part of his brain to nibble vigorously on some scenery.

Byung-hun Lee is on hand as Han Cho Bai, an assassin who is so damn good at this job, he can kill while he's stark naked and armed only with a sheet of paper. He's contracted to kill Frank Moses. Frank instead steals Han's private plane.  Which changes killing Frank from Han's job to Han's passion. There's a Wiley Coyote Vs. Road Runner vibe as Hans repeatedly tries and fails to kill Frank Moses.  

David Thewlis has a brief but memorable role as a former agent known as the Frog. He’s called the Frog because he once carried out a hit using the lethal secretions of a deadly poisonous frog.  The Frog also has intel to help Frank and the gang find the NUCLEAR BOMB!  While the rest of the gang is deciding which body part to cut open and dip in some bleach, Sarah opts to seduce the info out of the Frog.

Wow! Our little government call center processor from Kansas City has come a long way in her spy craft.

RED 2 may be derivative of the first film but it’s still a lot of fun. I would not recommend watching them both back to back. Watch RED then let your onions caramelize  awhile then watch the sequel.

RED 2: just as good as the original....

...but with a NUCLEAR BOMB! 

 Our 3^rd film for today’s Cinema Sunday is one I just saw last week on cable, The Hitman’s Bodyguard.

 Here we go!

Commissioner Gordon (Gary Oldman) is on trial in a world court for crimes against humanity in the form of torture and murder in mass quantities. The clock is ticking and there is only one witness who can take him down: Nick Fury (Samuel L Jackson). But SHIELDS’s been compromised (“Hail, HYDRA!”) leaving only one man who can get Nick Fury to the world court in time, Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds).

OK, maybe, not quite.

Gary Oldman is Vladislav Dukhovich, a dictator on trial for the torture and murder of his own citizens. Without a witness who can provide proof, this SOB will go free to go back and rule his county again. The only person on Earth with the guts and the balls to stand up to this piece of shit is Darius Kincaid a hitman of international renown with over 200 kills to his name.  

Samuel L Jackson plays Darius Kincaid with the broad bright smile of your best buddy and the intense gaze of a take no shit motherfucker who is going to kill your ass in the next 5 seconds. In other words, Samuel L Jackson doing his best Samuel L Jackson.  Kincaid has considerable skills and intelligence but he’s more of an improv artist, able to size up his environment and the people around him in a moment and adjust his actions accordingly.

Meanwhile, Ryan Reynolds is Michael Bryce, a professional bodyguard who, like Darius Kincaid, has considerable skills and intelligence. But unlike Kincaid, Bryce is more methodical, planning and anticipating contingencies and planning accordingly.  In an opening scene, we see Mike extricating a client from a dangerous situation. The client remarks the rescue seems boring while a number of rapid flashbacks show how much prep work and ass kicking Michael Bryce had to do to make his client’s rescue “boring”. 
 

INTERPOL’s security to get Darius Kincaid to the world court venue is compromised by operatives working for Vladislav Dukhovich.  Stuff gets blowed up real good. The only one to survive from Kinciad’s security detail is Amelia Roussel. She realizes that her team could only be taken down like that with a spy on the inside so she needs to get help from outside. She calls Michael Bryce.

Bryce is NOT HAPPY to take this call.  He was in love with Amelia Roussel but their relationship fell apart when Bryce blamed her for the loss of a client to an assassin’s bullet.

Michael Bryce is even more NOT HAPPY when he sees who she called him to protect. Over the course of their respective careers, the paths of Kincaid and Bryce have crossed. Darius Kincaid has nearly killed him in the past a few times. 

Ultimately, Michael Bryce is convinced to take the case, protect Darius Kincaid and get his ass to the world court. 

Methodical Bryce trying to rein in chaotic Darius Kincaid? Yeah, hilarity can’t help but ensue.

 Jackson and Reynolds make a great team, playing off each other like a 21^st century version of Hope and Crosby but with more explosions and lots more use of the word “shit”.

The Hitman’s Bodyguard is not a great work of art. It can be formulaic as hell. Yes, methodical Michael Bryce will save chaotic Darius Kincaid.  Yes, chaotic Darius Kincaid will save methodical  Michael Bryce. Each will learn from the other. We’ve seen this before.

But Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L Jackson elevate the proceedings beyond mere cliche.
 

The Hitman’s Bodyguard is a movie I enjoyed. Why? Because it's funny and stuff blowed up real good.

What more could I ask for?

Next week, Cinema Sunday will try to go more high brow as I look at a movie regarded as the best of movie of all time.