Yesterday, the world heard of the passing of Terry Jones, one of the six silly men who created Monty Python's Flying Circus. Terry had been ill for some time, diagnosed with a form of dementia that robbed him most cruelly of his wit and his way with a pithy phrase.
Terry was in most sketches the "normal" one.
He was the mild mannered accountant who wanted be a lion tamer until he found out what lion really looks like.
He was the friendly chocolate maker who was genuinely perplexed how they could sell a candy called "crunchy chocolate frog" if they took the bones out.
Terry was also a writer for my all time favorite Monty Python sketch, the Spanish Inquisition.
Which brings us to today's post.
Way back in the first year of I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, I had a recurring feature called "And Now a Word From Our Sponsor", where I would give over that's day's blog post to a sponsor of this blog.
One of those sponsors was American Glory, an insurance company that sold all sorts of strange policies, including a policy to provide protection from the ruthless Spanish Inquisition.
Time to climb into the TARDIS for a trip to April 2013....
Tuesday, April 2, 2013________________________________
And Now A Word From Our Sponsor#4
Greetings, Wanderer of the World Wide Web! My name is Dave-El and WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND!!
No, wait, hold on.
(ahem)
My name is Dave-El and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the only blog that contains the FDA recommended daily allowance of whole grains and oats.
Now you may wonder what goes on here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You. (Also known as ISGMSAY for short. Helpful hint: If want to score with a babe at a party or bar by pretending to be a European spy/fashion model, "Isgmsay" makes a great name to use. Just don't use it in Ft. Wayne, IN. There are...people...looking for "Isgmsay" there.)
Where was I? Oh, yeah....
You may wonder what goes on here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You and quite frankly, your guess is as good as mine. Really, I have no idea.
But whatever it is, it don't come cheap so I need commercial sponsorship. So bear with me while I present another text commercial from American Glory! American Glory's motto is: "You need insurance? You got $5? You got insurance."
And they will insure against anything.
(I mean, really, what is their business model? How does this company actually work?)
So help me keep the lights on in this dump and follow the latest commercial from American Glory!
_____________________________________________________________________________
Scene: a modest but tastefully decorated kitchen as a man in his mid-40’s paces the floor with a phone pressed to his ear.Bill (on the phone, starts off a bit bored but grow more exasperated as the call progresses): My address? 123 Maple Lane. (pause) Maple. (pause) M-A-P-L-E (pause) L-A-N-E. (pause) My date of birth: 12-11-1980. (pause) The last 4 digits of my social security number? 9-8-7-6 (pause) My mother’s maiden name? Renfield (pause) My pet’s name? Really? (pause) Mr. Wiskerston. (pause) Yes, Wiskerton. Really, what’s with all these questions? I mean, I called just to transfer some funds from my savings to my checking! It seems like a very simple exercise. I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition!
[A red cloaked figure jumps into the scene bombastically.]
Inquisitor: Ah HA! No one expects the Spanish Inquisition. Because my chief weapon is Surprise! And Fear! Surprise and Fear! Two chief weapons!
Bill (a bit startled at first but quickly recovers and seems more annoyed than frightened. To the person on the phone..) I’ll call back later. (Bill hangs up, then looks thru some papers in a kitchen drawer.)
Inquisitor (continuing): Surprise and fear! And ruthless efficiency! THREE, yes three chief weapons! Surprise! Fear! Ruthless efficiency! And my bright red cape! Blast it! OK, amongst my weaponry are such diverse elements as surprise….
Bill (interrupting, barely acknowledging the Inquisitor): Could you hold on just a moment please?
[Inquisitor stops and looks puzzled as Bill is clearly not afraid of him.)
Bill (finds a sheet of paper and hands it to the Inquisitor): Here! Read this!
Inquisitor: "This is to insure the holder of this policy against any modern outbreak of, or interference by, the Spanish Inquisition as guaranteed by...American Glory?"
Spokesperson: [Entering.] That's right! American Glory!
Inquisitor: Egad! This is unexpected.
Spokesperson: In the 15th century, Cardinal Ximenez of Spain gave order for the Spanish Inquisition to seek out heresy and render immediate and terrible punishment. Of course that was 600 years ago, but you never know…maybe someone in the Inquisition did not get the memo, like this poor little fellow!"
Inquisitor (offended): Hey!
Spokesperson: That's where American Glory comes in!
Bill : And thank you, American Glory!
Spokesperson: No problem! For as little as $5.00 a month, we can offer protection from the ruthless Spanish Inquisition so you can rest comfortably without fear of persecution!
Inquisitor: Oh, nuts! [Sighs.] What’s a poor, unemployed Inquisitor to do these days?
Spokesperson: Maybe a career in telemarketing? Inquisitor: Ah! The idea has merit! Would I still be able to use my dungeon?
Spokesperson: Why, yes!
Inquisitor (brings fingertips together wickedly): Excellent! (exits, laughing maniacally)
Spokesperson: So remember American Glory! Because we DO expect the Spanish Inquisition....and they could be everywhere!
_____________________________________________________________________________
...
The...Spanish...Inquisition. Really.
(ahem!)
OK, thank you, American Glory, for supporting my blog and for providing such a....unique...insurance service.
(Have we checked to make sure this is legal? We're not going to get sued by Micheal Palin or haunted by Graham Chapman, are we?)
OK, thanks for dropping by I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You or ISGMSAY to your mysterious European friends. (Remember, "Isgmsay" MUST stay clear of Ft. Wayne, IN. Oh, and also avoid anyone calling himself "The Dwarf".)
Take care!
_____________________________________________________
WAIT!
Back in March 2013, I posted another Spanish Inquisition thing, a brief Doctor Who sketch.
Back in the TARDIS to March 2013.....
__________________________
No, wait, hold on.
(ahem)
My name is Dave-El and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the only blog that contains the FDA recommended daily allowance of whole grains and oats.
Now you may wonder what goes on here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You. (Also known as ISGMSAY for short. Helpful hint: If want to score with a babe at a party or bar by pretending to be a European spy/fashion model, "Isgmsay" makes a great name to use. Just don't use it in Ft. Wayne, IN. There are...people...looking for "Isgmsay" there.)
Where was I? Oh, yeah....
You may wonder what goes on here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You and quite frankly, your guess is as good as mine. Really, I have no idea.
But whatever it is, it don't come cheap so I need commercial sponsorship. So bear with me while I present another text commercial from American Glory! American Glory's motto is: "You need insurance? You got $5? You got insurance."
And they will insure against anything.
(I mean, really, what is their business model? How does this company actually work?)
So help me keep the lights on in this dump and follow the latest commercial from American Glory!
_____________________________________________________________________________
Scene: a modest but tastefully decorated kitchen as a man in his mid-40’s paces the floor with a phone pressed to his ear.Bill (on the phone, starts off a bit bored but grow more exasperated as the call progresses): My address? 123 Maple Lane. (pause) Maple. (pause) M-A-P-L-E (pause) L-A-N-E. (pause) My date of birth: 12-11-1980. (pause) The last 4 digits of my social security number? 9-8-7-6 (pause) My mother’s maiden name? Renfield (pause) My pet’s name? Really? (pause) Mr. Wiskerston. (pause) Yes, Wiskerton. Really, what’s with all these questions? I mean, I called just to transfer some funds from my savings to my checking! It seems like a very simple exercise. I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition!
[A red cloaked figure jumps into the scene bombastically.]
Inquisitor: Ah HA! No one expects the Spanish Inquisition. Because my chief weapon is Surprise! And Fear! Surprise and Fear! Two chief weapons!
Bill (a bit startled at first but quickly recovers and seems more annoyed than frightened. To the person on the phone..) I’ll call back later. (Bill hangs up, then looks thru some papers in a kitchen drawer.)
Inquisitor (continuing): Surprise and fear! And ruthless efficiency! THREE, yes three chief weapons! Surprise! Fear! Ruthless efficiency! And my bright red cape! Blast it! OK, amongst my weaponry are such diverse elements as surprise….
Bill (interrupting, barely acknowledging the Inquisitor): Could you hold on just a moment please?
[Inquisitor stops and looks puzzled as Bill is clearly not afraid of him.)
Bill (finds a sheet of paper and hands it to the Inquisitor): Here! Read this!
Inquisitor: "This is to insure the holder of this policy against any modern outbreak of, or interference by, the Spanish Inquisition as guaranteed by...American Glory?"
Spokesperson: [Entering.] That's right! American Glory!
Inquisitor: Egad! This is unexpected.
Spokesperson: In the 15th century, Cardinal Ximenez of Spain gave order for the Spanish Inquisition to seek out heresy and render immediate and terrible punishment. Of course that was 600 years ago, but you never know…maybe someone in the Inquisition did not get the memo, like this poor little fellow!"
Inquisitor (offended): Hey!
Spokesperson: That's where American Glory comes in!
Bill : And thank you, American Glory!
Spokesperson: No problem! For as little as $5.00 a month, we can offer protection from the ruthless Spanish Inquisition so you can rest comfortably without fear of persecution!
Inquisitor: Oh, nuts! [Sighs.] What’s a poor, unemployed Inquisitor to do these days?
Spokesperson: Maybe a career in telemarketing? Inquisitor: Ah! The idea has merit! Would I still be able to use my dungeon?
Spokesperson: Why, yes!
Inquisitor (brings fingertips together wickedly): Excellent! (exits, laughing maniacally)
Spokesperson: So remember American Glory! Because we DO expect the Spanish Inquisition....and they could be everywhere!
_____________________________________________________________________________
...
The...Spanish...Inquisition. Really.
(ahem!)
OK, thank you, American Glory, for supporting my blog and for providing such a....unique...insurance service.
(Have we checked to make sure this is legal? We're not going to get sued by Micheal Palin or haunted by Graham Chapman, are we?)
OK, thanks for dropping by I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You or ISGMSAY to your mysterious European friends. (Remember, "Isgmsay" MUST stay clear of Ft. Wayne, IN. Oh, and also avoid anyone calling himself "The Dwarf".)
Take care!
_____________________________________________________
WAIT!
Back in March 2013, I posted another Spanish Inquisition thing, a brief Doctor Who sketch.
Back in the TARDIS to March 2013.....
__________________________
“Picture the Unexpected”
The Time: Shortly after Rory joins Amy and the Doctor
in the TARDIS after their adventure in Venice.
The Doctor approaches Rory and Amy with a box.
Doctor: “Amy! Now that Rory’s on board, I thought I might show him these photographs of me, you know, help bring him up to speed on how things work around here.”
Amy (annoyed): “Oh, those pictures again, Doctor? Rory doesn’t want to look at yourselves.”
Rory (confused): “Wait. What? ‘Yourselves’? ‘Selves’ as in plural?”
Amy: “Yeah, yeah. The Doctor told me there’s this…thing he does when he gets really hurt and close to dying.”
Doctor: “It’s not just a..a thing, Amy.”
Rory: “Really? A thing?”
Doctor: “It’s not a thing!”
Amy: “Yeah, he calls it degeneration?”
Doctor: “RE-generation.”
Amy: “Anyway, it changes him.”
Rory: “Changes? How? He becomes taller? Shorter? Different hair color? Personality?”
Doctor: “…yes.”
Rory: “Yes what?”
Doctor: “Yes to all of it. Here, let me show you.”
Amy: “Ooh boy.”
Doctor (handing photo to Rory): “Here’s a photo of me when I was first starting out.”
Rory: “You…you look a lot…older.”
Doctor: “Of course, I was a younger man back then.”
Rory looks confused as he hands photo to Amy who tears it in half and tosses the pieces behind her.
Doctor (handling photo to Rory): “And here I am, Rory, after I regenerated the first time.”
Rory (chuckling): “Wow! You do change. A lot. Hey, has anyone ever mentioned you looked like that guy from… “ (The Doctor stares coldly at Rory) “….the…Three…Stoo…”
Doctor: “Don’t. Go. There.”
Rory: “Ooo-kay.” Rory hands photo to Amy who tears it in half and tosses the pieces behind her.
Doctor (handing photo to Rory): “And here I am after I regenerated a 2nd time. I was stuck on Earth for WAY too long.”
Rory (laughing): “Oh. My. God. A puffy shirt? A puffy shirt and…is that a velvet jacket?”
Doctor (looking hurt): “I thought I looked dashing! Particularly when I added the cape.”
Rory (laughing harder): “Cape?”
The Doctor stares at Rory again, says nothing.
Rory (stops laughing, nervous now): “Er…uh…capes are, uh, cool. Like bowties.”
Rory hands photo to Amy who tears it in half and tosses the pieces behind her.
Doctor (sighs as he hands another photo to Rory): “This was after my third regeneration.”
Rory: “You were very tall that time. What’s the deal with the…scarf? I know, I know. Don’t ask.”
Rory hands photo to Amy who tears it in half and tosses the pieces behind her.
Doctor: “Oh, here’s another photo from that time. This is me fighting the Spanish Inquisition.”
Amy (suddenly interested, lunges past Rory and grabs the photo): “What? The Spanish Inquisition? I wasn’t expecting the Spanish Inquisition!”
Suddenly there is a loud boom and a burst of light and three men in red robes burst forth. Amy and Rory are shocked. The Doctor appears more annoyed than anything as he reaches inside his jacket.
Red Robed Man: “NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! Because our chief weapon is SURPRISE! Surprise and FEAR! TWO chief weapons, surprise and fear! AND RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY! THREE! Our three chief weapons are….”
Doctor (interrupting): “Oh, you lot! Bugger off, already.” Points his sonic screwdriver at the three men who promptly vanish.
Rory: “Wh..wh…what was…that?”
Amy: “Doctor?”
Doctor: “Don’t worry about them. Just some wibbly wobbly timey wimey…stuff…”
Amy: “But you got rid of them so easily.”
Doctor: “Well, that’s the difference between me and most people: I DO expect the Spanish Inquisition.” (The Doctor taps Amy on the nose with the end of the sonic screwdriver as she giggles.)
Rory (pulling a photo from the box): “You’re blonde in this one.”
Doctor: “I know. But I’ve never been ginger. Just once, I would like to be ginger.” (The Doctor folds his arms and sulks a bit.)
Rory: “And this outfit you were wearing? It’s a bit…colorful.”
Doctor (distracted): “Oh, that thing? Just a phase, I was really into cricket for a while there.”
Rory: “Well, I hope your dress sense improved after your next regeneration.”
The Doctor suddenly looks very alarmed. As Rory starts to reach in the box for another photo, the Doctor abruptly yanks it away.
Doctor: “I think…we’re done here.” The Doctor walks off with the box.
Rory: “What?”
Amy: “I’ve seen it. Trust me, Rory. You don’t want to know. C’mon, I’ll show you the files on the former companions. They include a disturbingly large number of young cute girls. You really want to see these pictures.”
Rory: “Er, why? You’re the only young cute girl I’m interested in.” Rory kisses Amy gently.
Amy: “Hmm! Good answer. Still, I think you might want to take a look. One of them is wearing a leather bikini.”
Rory: “Leather…bikini.”
Amy: “Uh huh.”
Rory stands still and quiet for a moment. Then..
Rory: “Well, you know, if it helps bring me…up to speed…on how things work around…here…”
Amy smiles slyly at Rory and we….Fade Out.
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