It's Midnight!

It's Midnight here at the Fortress of Ineptitude!

The clock has struck 12 and the year is transformed from 2025 to 2026!

It's midnight and I'm still ready to party!

Bring it on, Ryan Seacrest and the two Andys on CNN!

I'm a dancing fool and I can go all night!

Or not.

Good night everybody! And Happy New yrrmmmm-yawn.....

Everything Is Great

Today is the last day of 2025 and there is good news:

Everything is great!

According to Donald Trump.  

Reality has a differing opinion but we all know that reality is a hoax created by the Radical Liberal Left.  

In Trump's world...

• His poll numbers are UP! 
• Prices are down! 
• Inflation is zero!
• The world is at peace!  

And he did all of that by his own widdle self!

And if there is anything that it isn't great, it's Joe Biden's fault.

We are living in a glorious great golden age of America and it's all due to one, the only, you know 'im you love 'im, you can't live without 'im, der Führer himself, Donald J Trump!!

HUZZAH!!!

Yeah, about all that...

If it does not feel like a glorious great golden age of America instead feels like a headlong rush into a chaotic dystopian era of dread, well, trust your gut on that feeling.

So far Trump's second term is much like the first, with Li'l Donnie displaying a propensity to destroy but made worse by a man no longer answerable to an electorate or thanks the Supreme Court, the rule of law.

• Trump gleefully destroyed the lives of hundreds if not thousands of American citizens who were employed by the federal government when he unleashed Elon Musk and his so called Department of Government Efficiency to recklessly decimate jobs and departments.
• Trump joyfully enacted reckless and destructive tariffs while completely refusing to understand how tariffs work, as a penalty against the very citizens he is supposed to represent. 
• Trump happily oversaw the bombing of fishing boats off the coast of Venezuela while petulantly whining he deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for ending wars that have not in fact ended.
• Trump giddily bulldozed the East Wing of the White House for a poorly conceived notion of building a grand ballroom that no one wanted or asked for.
• Trump zealously urged hate against anyone he defined as "other", no matter the size or actual impact of those people.  
• Trump cheerfully urged Republicans in Congress to pass his "One Big Beautiful Bill" that eradicated the safety net for America's neediest citizens and handed his billionaire friends massive tax cuts.

Poll after poll shows virtually little to no support for any of this shit, even among Republicans. Donald Trump's reaction to this lack of support is a big ol' "fuck you" to the American public.

In his world, everything is great.

It is not the world the rest of us has to live in but the consequences of life in der Führer's own little planet of his rabid, ignorant imaginings still reach us out here and sadly for years to come.

But we cannot lose hope. 

Even though it's hard to see and harder still to grasp.

One day this time of terror against deceny, kindness, compassion and the rule of law will be over.

Granted, I thought that during Tump's first term and yet, here we are.

So it's easy to be cynical.

But as we look to a new year and the cold dread realization that our fight is not over, we must somehow, someway hold on to hope for a better tomorrow.

And as always, remember to be good to one another.   

  

Tuesday TV Toucbase: The Year In Television 2025

 

Every new year, my resolution is to "watch MORE television". 

I say this tongue in cheek but damn it if I don't make a go of making that resolution come true.

Today's Tuesday TV Touchbase looks back at what I watched in 2025.

Several things I watched reached a series finale this year.

The producers of Resident Alien saw the writing on the wall and crafted a season finale that wrapped a neat bow on the series if it was cancelled which it was. Andrea and I miss the found family of Patience, CO but if it had to end, Resident Alien ended on a positive note.  

Sandman reached it's end with it's 2nd season. The assumption is the series ended after only 2 seasons due to the scandals surrounding Neil Gaiman but the producers insisted this was the plan all along and given how the series came together and moved towards a definitive end in season 2, I think I believe them.  

The revival of Night Court got handed it's walking papers after 4 seasons without any heads up from NBC. The 4th season ended on a cliff hanger, introducing a heretofore unknown husband for Judge Abby Stone played by Simon Helberg. The new Night Court was always hit or miss and to be honestly, more miss than hit. Still, I think it was a shame it did not get to end on it's own terms.  

FUBAR came to an end with it's 2nd season. The Netflix spy caper comedy starring Arnold Swarzenegger had some good moments in season 2 but the show was not as tight or engaging as it was in the first season and I'm not particularly surprised or sad that it was time to go.  

What the TV gods taketh, they also giveth. New series for 2025 that I watched in 2025 included:  

Creature Commandos, the gonzo animated project from James Gunn set in the TV/film DC Universe alongside Gunn's Suicide Squad and Peacemaker. At turns hilarious, sadly poignant and brutally violent, C.C. never ceased to surprise. 

Daredevil:Born Again, the Disney+ revival of the Netflix Daredevil series. It is a relentlessly grim series, just like the best of Marvel's Daredevil comics.  

Librarians: The Next Chapter follows up on The Librarians. It was a mostly enjoyable continuation of that universe but with a new cast of characters but I couldn't quite shake the notion that LTNC is a secondary substitute for the OG Librarians. I'm hoping that season 2 will better establish the new crew as worthy successors.   

Stumble is not based on anything prior. This mockumentary style comedy is an all new concept on NBC about a disgraced cheer coach from a mid-level community college making a go of it at a lower level community college.  So far, Andrea and I have enjoyed this show a lot and it has some real genuine laugh out loud comedy.  

The Paper is another mockumentary set in the same universe as The Office, set at a struggling Toledo OH newspaper. Andrea and I are enjoying this show as well.   

I decided to give Outlander: Blood Of My Blood a try and found a gripping and harrowing drama set in the world of Outlander.  I did not want to like O-BOMB but damn it! It has me hooked.  

Meanwhile, I caught up on season 7 of Outlander this year and season 8, the series finale is coming up in 2026.  

Andrea and I returned for the second season of these series:

• Happy's Place remains a very inoffensive family oriented sit com. This one is mostly for Andrea
• Georgie & Mandy's First Marriage still has not convinced me that Montana Jordan's Georgie should be headlining a sitcom. This one is also mostly for Andrea.  
• St. Denis Medical has in only it's 2nd season already succumbed to Flanderization of the characters of Bruce, Joyce and Alex centering around their raging insecurities. Still a viable and mostly funny sitcom.
• Brilliant Minds has stepped up it's game in it's 2nd season and deserves better recognition in both audience numbers and critical acclaim.
• High Potential churned out 7 episodes and went on a break. Star Kaitlan Olson is involved with other projects so this series needs to be doled out in chunks. It remains an engaging and witty crime series.  
• Wednesday came back after THREE YEARS (Really?) for a 2nd season. It's a Tim Burton production so the show looks good and feels weird but I think lacks a strong emotional core, relying on style over substance.   

Still chugging along....

I said before that Abbott Elementary felt like it was spinning it's wheels but I think I might reconsider that assessment with season 5 shaping up as a really strong effort with some really funny episodes.  

In 2025, we also watched the episode of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia which featured that show's half of the crossover with Abbott Elementary.  The title of the episode is "The Gang Fucks Up Abbott Elementary" and it's true.

Everytime I think Ghosts is also spinning it's wheels, it finds a new way to surprise me. This year's Christmas tale with Sam riffing on It's A Wonderful Life was an especially powerful episode.  

Andrea and I continue to follow Saturday Night Live even though no one on this show is writing or performing this thing for us. Kudos to James Austin Johnson who is becoming a strong utility performer outside of his on point Trump impersonation. And a sad farewell to Bowen Yang who Andrea has a weird thing for. 

Star Trek: Strange New Worlds did not land a particularly strong 3rd season. 'Nuff said about that.  

Only Murders In the Building continues to deliver it's now traditional "best season ever" or "worst season ever" according to critics.  Nobody ever lands in the middle. For my part, season 5 deserved plaudits for challenging Mabel, Charles and Oliver in a new way with the dire personal stakes of potentially losing the Arconia.  

A big part of our TV diet here at the Fortress of Ineptitude are late night shows that skewer our dystopian political hellscape with comedy.

• Late Night With Seth Meyers
• The Daily Show
• Jimmy Kimmel Live 
• And more.  Click on this link for more about these types of shows: It's Funny Because It's True

Game shows were a constant presence on our TV viewing schedule.  

• Wheel Of Fortune
• Celebrity Wheel of Fortune 
• Jeopardy 
• Celebrity Jeopardy
• Jeopardy Masters
• Pop Culture Jeopardy 

We sampled Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? when Ken Jennings was paired up with Matt Damon for a celebrity edition of the show. Jimmy Kimmel was pleased to have Ken Jennings on the show but not so much when Ken invited Kimmel's nemesis Damon to be his partner. Yeah, Ken did most of the heavy lifting on the way to the million dollar prize for charity but Matt made some significant contributions as well.  

We checked in on the season finale of The Joe Schmo Show without actually watching the episodes before that. Click here for more about why we did that.  

Game Changers has become Andrea's obsession. I find this show to be very amusing but I'm perplexed by why Andrea is so in the weeds for this show. Does she have a thing for host Sam Reich? He does look like a sort of teddy bear.... an evil teddy bear but still. 

Other things we watched this year? 

Secrets of the Penguins as Blake Lively narrates the life and struggles of penguins. 

Elton John/Brandi Carlisle Special

Conan O'Brien and the Mark Twain Prize which may be the last good thing to happen at the Kennedy Center.  

Everybody's Live With John Mulaney defied the rules of TV talk shows.  The season finale featured John Mulaney in a wrestling match with a trio of 13 year old boys. 

Here are shows from the past that we caught up on.

Phineas and Ferb continues to delight us as Andrea and I recently completed season 2.  

I caught Andrea up to season 3 of Arrested Development but stopped short of the 4th and 5th seasons made for Netflix. Subjecting Andrea to those proceedings may be introduced as evidence in any potential forth coming murder trial.  ("You're husband made you watch what before you killed him? OK, you're free to go.")  

Netflix dropped A.P. Bio before I could finish my re-watch and USA Network stopped airing season 1 episodes of Poker Face which I enjoyed a lot but I'm not shelling out money for yet another streaming service to catch up on it. (And Peacock has ended the show as of it's 2nd season.)  

Mike & Molly became part of our weekend viewing. Then TV Land pulled it from their schedule.  

And I got sucked into son Dean and friend Jan's rewatch of  House while they were living here this summer.  

Andrea and I have two re-watch obsessions: 

• Hudson & Rex
• Leverage

Oh my God! That is a LOT of TV!

And I am not done! 

I also watched.....

• Invincible
• My Life Is Murder
• Electra Woman and Dyna Girl
• Hacks
• Peacemaker
• Stranger Things
• Law & Order AND Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

I think I achieved peak TV watching in 2025.  

And since Jan got me Roku for Christmas, I now have MORE things to watch than ever before! 

2026 may find me permanently melded with my couch.

We'll find out in future editions of the Tuesday TV Touchbase.

Until next time, remember to be good to one another and try to keep it down in there, would ya? I'm trying to watch TV over here.   

The Last Banana Post of 2025

 

It's the last banana post for 2025.

OK, since we're sitting here at the end of the year, it's time for look back on the year just endured.

I'll let Desi Lydic of The Daily Show do that heavy lifting.

God, I do love a hot blonde in a neck tie.

We're back tomorrow for the year end wrap up for the Tuesday TV Touchbase.

Remember to be good to one another.

Family Christmas 2025

It's Sunday on this post Christmas weekend.  I hope you had a good holiday time this year. 

I don't know if it's the current socio-political climate but it seems like a state of joy is precarious and somewhat out of reach.

But we gave it a good try here at the Fortress of Ineptitude.

We had a full house here: myself, my wife Andrea and our granddaughter Rosie the Dog along with her emotional support humans, son Dean and friend Jan.

Our collective Christmas together began with a visit to the Tanglewood Festival of Lights, just west of Winston-Salem. 

Visiting this event is a yearly tradition.  

This lighting effect similates Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer leaping over the car path. And every year, I quote Rudolph going "She said I'm cute! I'm cuuuuuuuuuuute!" 

This is the converted barn used to sell stuff like hand made holiday knick knacks and baked goods. I got a banana pudding cookie and some strawberry cheesecake fudge.

Outside the barn, you get a s'mores kit to roast marshmallows over an open fire and also partake hot drinks like apple cider and cocoa.

We also posed for photos.  Below is Andrea and I....

...and this is Rosie being held by her emotional support humans, Dean and Jan.

I had to work last week, having only Christmas Day off. Normally, I plan things to have more time off around the holidays but in my current department at work, December is our busiest month.  

We watched our traditional Christmas movies, Klaus and The Polar Express.  

Christmas Day got off to a later start than normal. Dean normally gets us up at some ungodly hour under the pretext, "Yes, it's 3:00 AM but it's technically Christmas morning!" This year, we got to sleep in. 

I got a selection of clothes and other stuff that I asked for.  (Including my favorite underwear.) 

Jan got me a Roku stick which means I can watch EVEN MORE TELEVISION!!!

Dinner was ham and turkey with mac 'n' cheese, green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole and Andrea's signature cherry cream cheese pie.  

No "Winter Wonderland" for our Christmas Day. The weather was warm, closer to spring than winter.  

Anyway, nothing particularly spectacular to report. It was a Christmas mostly devoid of drama which is to me a good Christmas.

We're back next weekend with Movie Time.

Thanks for reading and remember to be good to one another.  

Doctor Who Is CLASSIC!: The Genesis of the Daleks

It's day 3 of a 3 day Doctor Who blogathon! 

________________________________

Once more into the Time Vortex for another edition of Doctor Who Is Classic!  

Today's post takes us back to 1975 for a story with an impact that reaches to the modern era, a story that has been called the first salvo in the Time War.  

Genesis of the Daleks

by Terry Nation

Terry Nation is the man who created the Daleks who gives is this story of the origins of the Doctor's most hated enemy.

Conscripted by the Time Lords, the Doctor, Sarah Jane Smith and Harry Sullivan are sent back in time to the planet Skaro to the point of the Daleks' origin.

The mission: alter, hinder or stop the Daleks from coming into existence.  

Our team is seperated from the TARDIS. Their only way home is a Time Ring given go them by the Time Lords that will take them back to the TARDIS when the mission is complete.

Skaro is not a great place to be stranded.

The planet has been ravaged by a state of near constant war between the Kaleds and the Thals with menacing Mutos in the mix between the two sides.

The story opens with a battleground where one army mows down the opposing side with machine guns.  It is a very violent beginning that apparently writer Terry Nation did not agree with but director David Maloney was determined to set the tone that war is hell and Skaro is in hell.  It is a dark tone that continues through the serial. 

The Thals are working on a rocket to destroy the central base of the Kaleds. Well, more to the point, the rocket and it's radioactive weaponry is being assembled by slave labor from the Mutos and a captured Sarah Jane Smith.

Sarah Jane leads a revolt of the Mutos against the Thals to escape their poisonous rocket building captivity. Yay, Sarah!

A revolt that the Thals stop with deadly force, leaving only Sarah alive.  Well, that's a serious bummer but in keeping with the dark themes of this episode.  

Meanwhile over in the Kaled dome, the Doctor and Harry Sullivan are navigating the political and societal complexities surrounding the leadership of Davros.

Genesis of the Daleks introduces to Doctor Who the character of Davros, the creator of the next phase of Kaled evolution, the Daleks.  He will reappear in subsequent Dalek serials and make it to the modern era with the 10th Doctor story, The Stolen Earth. 

 

Most of the Kaleds are on board with whatever Davros is planning as long as it destroys those hated Thals.

But there are others who think that Davros is a total wackdoodle and needs to be stopped.  Which presents the Doctor's best chance at stopping the Daleks at their point of origin. 

But Davros has eyes and ears everywhere. 

And his Daleks are closer to being ready than anyone knows, they are deadlier and more powerful than anyone expects and they are answerable only to Davros.

OK, about that last part....

Davros has done too good a job at genetically manipulating Kaled DNA and too good a job at programming the battle machines those mutated Kaleds will reside in, their meglomania becomes stronger than Davros' control.  

This is a recurring theme in future appearances of Davros. Whatever role his ego defines for himself as creator of the Daleks, the Daleks will place themselves as superior to their creator. 

They basically keep him around like a pet.  

The Doctor rigs up explosives to destroy the mutated Dalek creatures in their laboratory nursery.  But he questions his right to commit pre-emptive genocide against even as heinous and evil a race as the Daleks.

The Doctor ultimately decides he does not have that right and foregoes his options to completely stop the Daleks at their point of origin. 

You may recall that this position is revisited in Journey's End when the 10th Doctor takes issue with his doppelganger, the Meta-crisis Doctor, who commits genocide against the Daleks.  

The Doctor does slow their development but his view there are worlds and civilizations that have risen up to fight the Dalek threat, agents of hope, freedom and life to counter the oppression, tyranny and death brought by the Daleks.  

Genesis of the Daleks is epic in it's scope and delivers a pretty strong story. At 6 half-hour installments, it suffers a bit from the padding indemic of the classic era but mostly it's a solid effort.

Props to the make up department who turned actor Michael Wisher into Davros with a visage of putrifying horror.  

Terry Nation had intentionally modelled the Daleks from the beginning on the Nazis of World War II Germany and really leans hard into that comparison with Genesis of the Daleks.

This story remains a favorite of Whovians from the classic era and has stood the test of time to continue to influence Doctor Who even into the modern era.  

Your Friday Video Link: Random Doctor Who

It's day 2 of a 3 day Doctor Who blogathon! 

So yesterday was Christmas and NO Doctor Who special?

This is the first time in over 20 years there will be no Doctor Who special for either Christmas or New Year's Day.

Well, Your Friday Video Link this week has some random Doctor Who clips that will maybe alleviate the sting of no new Doctor Who.  

First up is a clip from "Pyramids Of Mars" as Sarah Jane Smith finds a dress in the wardrobe! 

"Well, as long as Albert didn't wear it!"  Great dig at the royal family.

Classic Sutekh was really scary. 

Our next clip is from more recent episodes and this is and is NOT a laughing matter.

Finally, from "The Power of Three", it's the mystery of the cubes!

We started this with Sarah Jane Smith. Let's close out this post with her as well.

Tomorrow (Saturday!), it's more Doctor Who as we go back to the classic era for the epic "Genesis of the Daleks".  Sarah Jane was in that one! 

Happy holidays, everyone and remember to be good to one another.  

Christmas Day: A Doctor Who Tale From Long Ago

It's day 1 of a 3 day Doctor Who blogathon! 

________________________________

Today is Christmas Day and I hope the day is good to you and yours.

Since today is indeed Christmas Day, that means there should be a Doctor Who Christmas special.

But there isn't. 

To fill that Whovian hole in your life, a couple of things.

Tomorrow, Your Friday Video Link will feature some random Doctor Who clips.

This weekend, there will be an edition of Doctor Who Is Classic with Tom Baker as the Doctor.

For today, I'm reprinting a story I wrote back in 2014. 

I am the biggest critic of my own writing but I'm actually kind of proud of this one.

I had a follower on Twitter tell me they read this story to their kids and they loved it! 

From December 21, 2014, it's Doctor Who and "How Strax Saved Christmas".  

__________________________________________

The following is a work of fan-fiction that takes place during Series 8 of Doctor Who between episodes 10 and 11.

How Strax Saved Christmas

by David Long

It was late-October and there was a crisp chill in the night air, an early autumn herald of the winter that was to come. It was the kind of chill that invigorates the spirit to walk a bit more spryly, to perhaps hum a tune to one’s self and cast a bedazzled eye to the star canopied sky above.

The Doctor did not care for it.

As he exited the blue police box form of his TARDIS, the Doctor’s thin, black clad form shivered against the cold.

“Great Britain”, the Doctor muttered to himself. “Why can’t I ever find a companion in, I don’t know, Hawaii or the Caribbean?”

But it was not the warm soil of a tropical paradise that the Doctor walked across but the cold hard ground of this Earth, this realm, this England.

London, to be precise.

14 Wallington Rd to be even more preciser. 

It was a nice home with gilded lanterns by the door and a warm glow from the bay window. Well, it looked warm. 

Shivering, the Doctor approached the front door. He reached into his jacket and began to withdraw his trusty sonic screwdriver. But he stopped and puzzled a moment.

“Wait, what is it that humans do?” the Doctor wondered. 

Then he put the screwdriver back in his pocket and knocked on the door.

With a sudden whirl of motion, the door was thrown open. Standing in the doorway was Clara Oswald. The Doctor assumed she looked pretty; he really wasn’t the best judge of these things. But he could tell she looked harried.

“Doctor! It’s about time you got here!” Clara exclaimed.

“What? You just called me a minute ago!” the Doctor replied.

Exasperated, Clara retorted, “You have a time machine! Why couldn’t you get here before I called?”

“Now, Clara, that’s not how time travel…”

The Doctor trailed off as he caught sight of a figure sitting in a chair with his head in his hands.  It was "P.E." or as Clara insisted on calling him, Danny Pink. He was Clara’s…boyfriend? Were they engaged? He really needed to keep track of these things better.

“P.E.? Are you all right?”

Danny groaned a baleful groan and lifted up his head. His face was all puffy, his cheeks punched out like a chipmunk and he was squinting through swollen eyelids. 

“Huwo, Docker,” Danny tried to speak through pursed lips.

“Whoa! Clara, what did you do to him?”

Grabbing her purse and rushing to Danny’s side, Clara replied, “I didn’t go anything to him!”

“Ahm awirjik to Brushuhl shprots,” Danny tried to say.

“What?” asked the Doctor.

“He’s allergic to Brussell sprouts,” Clara translated.

“Brussel sprouts?” replied the Doctor incredulously. “Who is allergic to Brussel sprouts? For that matter, who actually eats Brussell…”

“Not important,” Clara interrupted as she helped Danny to his feet. “I need to get Danny to hospital so I need you to watch the kids.”

“The kids?” The Doctor was shocked. What had he missed? “You two have kids?”

“No, Doctor, we’re not even…look, Danny and I agreed to look after Mr. Chesterton’s grand kids. Then…well, Brussel sprouts. I called one of my students, she’s on her way with her mum but I need you to watch the kids until she gets here.”

The Doctor looked frantic. “Wait a minute! Kids? Don’t you have any other friends you can call?”

“Yes, lots,” Clara said as she bustled Danny towards the door. “But you’re the only one I know who has a time machine.  ‘Bye, Doctor. And thanks!”

And with the door shut behind her as the Doctor stood in the foyer, helplessly watching the closed door fail to re-open and Clara fail to come back in and explain it’s all a joke.

“Kids,” the Doctor said. Then he turned from the door and reacted with a start to the three children behind him.

“Ninja children?” the Doctor mused. “Don’t sneak up on me like that.”

“Hi, my name is Timmy,” said one of the children, about maybe 7 or 8 years old with a mop of brown hair on his head.Timmy was dressed in dark blue pajamas that were rigorously defended by several Spider-Men.

The Doctor looked down at Timmy and said, simply, “Hello.”

“Hi, I’m Jillian,” said a little girl from under her halo of brown curls, dressed in her My Little Pony night gown. “I’m 4,” she added.

“Four?” asked the Doctor. “Four what?”

“I’m four years old.”

“Oh.”

“You’re silly,” Jillian said with a giggle. “Your eyebrows are funny!”

“My eyebrows are not funny, they’re angry,” clarified the Doctor but it just made little Jillian giggle again.

The third child looked up at the Doctor, a young boy, close to Timmy’s age, wearing pajamas adorned with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He had a head full of disheveled red hair. No, it was more like a wild creature had escaped from the planet of the monster red hair and was resting on his head.

“Jillian’s my baby sister. Timmy’s my cousin. I’m Phred,” he said to the Doctor.

“Fred?”

“Phred. With a PH.”

The Doctor sighed , “Phred with a PH, okay.” 

“What’s your name?” asked Timmy.

“I’m the Doctor,” came the reply.

“Doctor who?” Jillian rather reasonably inquired.

“Just…the Doctor.”

“Doctor is not a proper name,” noted Phred.

“The Doctor,” the stern man in black corrected the child.

“The Doctor is not a proper name,” noted Phred more precisely.

“It certainly is a proper name, “ the Doctor retorted. “It has ‘The’ in front of it!”

“Your first name is ‘The’?” Timmy asked.

“Why don’t we go into the living room?” said the Doctor and he guided the three children there where were comfy chairs and a nice warm fire happily crackling in the fireplace.

“So what should we do to pass the time until your human babysitter arrives?”

Timmy and Phred looked at each other and mouthed the word “human”. Who was this odd fellow that Miss Clara had left them with?

But before they could pursue that line of questioning, Jillian made known her choice of activity.

“Tell us a story,” she said, firelight dancing in her wide, innocent eyes.

The Doctor looked down at the little girl, apparently unmoved by Jillian’s precocious smile. “A story? No, I don’t think so,” he replied.

Timmy and Phred joined in. “C’mon, Doctor. Tell us a story!”

But the Doctor would not hear of it. “No, I’m not much of a storyteller, I’m afraid.”

“That’s OK,” said Timmy, “I want to get out my paints for a while, anyway.”

“And I need to practice my recorder for music class,” Phred noted.

“Doctor, would you play dress up with me and my dollies?” Jillian asked. 

Then the Doctor’s face brightened with a smile.

“I know,” he suggested, “why don’t I tell you a story?”

“Well, you don’t have to,” offered Phred.

But the Doctor was insistent. “No, I would love to tell you a story!” Then the smile disappeared as he pondered. Then he asked, “What kind of story?”

“A Christmas story!” Jillian said very brightly.

Timmy concurred. “Yeah, a Christmas story!”

The Doctor was a bit confused. “Christmas? But Christmas is more than 2 months away!”

But Phred answered, “No, Christmas starts right after Halloween.”

“Sometimes before,” Timmy added.

Jillian pleaded, “Tell us a Christmas story! Please?”

And for a moment the Doctor wondered how Jillian’s eyes could be so round and wide, briefly considering she might be some kind of mutant changeling.

As much as he wasn’t a person for telling stories beyond “Once upon a time” and “The end”, the Doctor knew the alternative would be paint splattered all over this lovely home and the air fractured with the high pitch squeaking of a poorly played recorder. It also would end up with him in a dress playing dolls with a little girl and he swore over 800 years ago he would never do that.

Again. 

“Fine,” said the Doctor with a barely contained sigh. “I’ll tell you a story. A Christmas story.”

So the boys sat on the floor by the Doctor’s feet while Jillian crawled up on the sofa and sat real uncomfortably close to the Doctor.

The Doctor looked down awkwardly at the child. Clara would have much to answer for, he thought.  

As the children looked at him earnestly, the Doctor began to tell his tale.

“It was the night of Christmas Eve,” the Doctor began, his voice surprisingly gentle and warm. “Christmas Eve right here in London but over a hundred years ago….

The year was 1893 along a tree lined street with fine houses all snuggled up close to one another against the December cold. The darkness of night had fallen but the world was still alight with the glow of street lamps and Christmas candles. Snow was falling, a proper Christmas snow, painting the streets and grass with a coat of soft luminescent white. There were people about, last minute shoppers for gifts and tree tinsel and Christmas pudding, hurrying across streets and down sidewalks.

But this activity is not what concerns us at this time. No, we must turn our attention to what was happening on one of the rooftops. For a strange man was puttering about, a strange man from another world.

He was a squat little fellow, not much more than 5ft tall. He wore a proper ordinary black Victorian suit but the head that jutted out of the top of that suit was far from ordinary. It was large, wide and thick with an odd brown color. He looked very much like a potato. An alien potato. But this being was no mere potato. He was a Sontaran warrior and his name was Strax.

Now if you fear that Strax did not belong there, on that rooftop in London in 1893, well I must correct you. Strax did indeed belong there. He shared the home beneath his booted feet with the woman who employed him, the mysterious Madame Vastra, a detective of some considerable skill who hid behind a veil of dark lace. What she hid was a subject of rumor and speculation, a face disfigured by accident or disease or perhaps it was the face of a being from beyond space, beyond time.  

Also residing in this abode was a young woman named Jenny. Jenny was clearly human and served as Madame Vastra’s maid but more importantly she was Vastra’s friend and confidant.

It was Jenny who came up to the roof in the chill night of Christmas Eve to see Strax puttering about while casting anxious glances at the sky.

“Oi, Strax!” Jenny called out. “What are you doin’ up here then?”

Strax turned and answered, “Why, I’m preparing our defenses against the coming attack, boy!”

Jenny folded her arms, the sternness of her expression clear to be seen in the pale starlight. Even Strax had to notice.

“Er, I mean, girl.”

“Attack? What attack?”

Strax pointed at the star flecked sky, “Attack from above! He is coming, you know.”

“He is coming?” Jenny asked, not really sure she liked where this was going.

“Yes, boy..er, girl, a being of immense power who can traverse the globe in mere seconds. His warp capabilities must be astounding!”

“Strax, I don’t think…”

But Strax pressed on. “But he uses this power as an unchecked intruder, invading homes with mysterious ‘packages’ which I surmise must be bombs or at least some form of mind control devices!”

“Strax…”

“He is called….”

Strax furtively looked from side to side then leaned in closer to Jenny and spoke with a conspiratorial whisper, “Father Christmas.” 

“Father Christmas?!” Jenny exclaimed as Strax shushes her.  “Not so loud! My sources tell me this Father Christmas has an incredible spy network that exceeds the known technology of this world and time!”

“Strax, you really don’t …” Jenny began again but Strax interrupted her again.

“This ‘Father Christmas’ is clearly bent on dominating this world. So I will intercede to stop this being’s reign of terror and secure his incredible power for the glory of the Sontaran Empire!” 

“Oi, Strax! How do you intend to do that?”

Strax began excitedly walking the perimeter of the snow covered roof. “Yes, I have rigged up these catapults to hurl cauldrons of burning acid into the sky and remove the threat of this Father Christmas forever.”

But Jenny had had enough of this nonsense. “No, no, Strax!” she said forcefully, “that’s not how Christmas works!”

So Jenny set out to tell Strax about the true meaning of Christmas and about how it all works. And after 10 minutes of patiently explaining…

“…and so Father Christmas brings toys to all the good boys and girls.

Strax was still confused so Jenny explained it again. And when she was done…

“…and so Father Christmas brings toys to all the good boys and girls.”

Strax continued to not understand the meaning of Jenny’s words so she went over it one more time. And when the story was done once more…

“…and Father Christmas brings toys to all the good boys and girls.”

And again.

“: …and Father Christmas brings…oh, never mind!” Jenny threw her hands up in the air in frustration.

“Look, just don’t catapult cauldrons of acid into the sky! And Strax, do NOT kill anyone without express orders from Madame Vastra or myself.” And before Strax could object, Jenny turned on her heel and headed back to the stairwell to the home’s interior.

But then she stopped.

“Strax,” Jenny said, casting a backward glance at the Sontaran, “Did you prepare any kind of ground defense?”

Strax paused. “Uh. No?”

Jenny arched an eyebrow in Strax’s direction. “Vastra and I would feel much better if you…checked. Just in case you…forgot something, eh?”

Jenny proceeded to descend the stairs from the roof to the interior of the home while Strax stood there in the lightly falling Christmas snow trying to make sense of her words. A Sontaran warrior forgets NOTHING! Why would she think he would forget…?

Then the wheels in Strax’s mind turned ever so slowly as he came to what was for him a sudden revelation. Then he sighed heavily as his shoulders slumped. “I best get downstairs then.”

So Strax took up his Sontaran blaster because…well, a good Sontaran warrior never knows when good fortune will provide an opportune war.

Strax trudged down the stairs until his path deposited him on the snow covered street. It was a beautiful scene of lightly falling snow with the echo of Christmas carols resounding through the chill and the dark. 

It was times like this that Strax really missed his flamethrower.

But then Strax became aware of a disturbance in the soft and gentle quiet of this Christmas Eve. This was caused by an altercation taking place in front of a home across the street. A tall man in a tall hat was harshly addressing a group of people in front of him who were in turn arguing back to him. Thanks to Strax’s reconnaissance of Earth, he recognized the group as a “family”, with a “mother”, a “father” and “children”. This was a concept that Strax had struggled to accept; after all, the clone batches on his home planet of Sontar were far more efficient.  

With this very heated argument going on so close to Madame Vastra’ home, Strax decided to investigate in case these humans posed some kind of a threat. 

Oh, how he hoped they posed some kind of a threat.

Strax approached the gathering and demanded, “What goes on here?” Perhaps it was the dim illumination of the Christmas Eve night or they were still too distracted by their own concerns but there was no sign of alarm from those assembled there on the matter of being addressed by a talking humanoid potato in a suit. 

The man in the tall hat answered, “These people… are past due on the rent and I have been instructed to remove them from this dwelling!”

“But Mr. Dickenson, how can you be so cruel?” the father pleaded. “It’s Christmas Eve, sir!”

But the man named Dickenson dismissed this appeal. “What? Christmas? Bah! What of it? It’s just another excuse to get something for nothing. Well, you can’t stay here one moment longer without paying the rent!”

As the children clutched at her skirts, the mother begged, “Oi, but we have nowhere to go!” 

Strax, struggling to follow along with this melodrama, asked of the one in the tall hat, “So these beings are in violation of the established authority of this city?”

“Yes, they are!” Dickenson answered most emphatically.

Strax turned towards the family. “And you say you have nowhere to go?”

The father shook his head sadly and said with an air of utter hopelessness, “Nay, we don’t.”

Strax allowed a slight smile to cross his potato-like visage as he announced, “Well, the solution is quite simple!”

Strax raised his alien weapon and aimed it at the hapless family. The Sontaran blaster began to hum and glow.

Immediately, the family’s panicked screams cut through the chill Christmas Eve air as Mr. Dickenson admonished Strax.

“Good God, man!” Mr. Dickenson exclaimed. “What is that thing? What are your intentions, sir?” 

Strax was confused. “But they have nowhere to go. And you say they can’t stay here. So a good, quick disintegration will sort everything out quite nicely.” He added a smile at the end of that sentence. Humans liked smiles. 

But these humans were rather unappreciative of the Sontaran’s kindness as the father pleaded, “What? You can’t kill us!”

“Can’t? Bah!” Strax grimaced. “Good sir, I am a Sontaran warrior. I am quite perfectly capable of killing all manner of biological life forms!”

The mother gathered her frightened children about her, the father stood firm with them as they all began to sob.

Mr. Dickenson stood defiant in front of Strax and protested, “You can’t just murder these people! How can you be so cruel? It’s Christmas Eve, sir!”

Then Mr. Dickenson stopped with a realization as cold as the night air around him. Those very words had been said to him mere moments ago.  “It’s Christmas Eve,” he said again, this time in a hoarse whisper as a tear began to fall down his face. He began to sob, his crying mingling with the cries of the family behind him.

And it was at that moment that Strax made a fateful decision.

Perhaps Strax was moved by the poor family’s plight.

Perhaps Strax was moved by Dickenson’s remorse. 

Perhaps Strax was moved by their tears. 

Perhaps Strax finally understood what Jenny was trying to explain to him.

Perhaps Strax understood, at last, the true meaning of Christmas.

Or perhaps…

“Strax,” spoke Jenny from a distant memory that echoed through his domed head. “Do NOT kill anyone without express orders from Madame Vastra or myself.”

Strax lowered his weapon. 

And in the relief that followed, tears born of terror became tears of joy mingled with laughter. Still quivering from nervous laughter, Dickenson spoke to Strax. “Deuced if that wasn’t a daring strategy,” he said to the Sontaran. “But it made me see how wrong I was. Thank you, sir! Thank you!”

Strax puzzled on that for a moment then replied, “You’re…welcome?”

Then Dickenson turned towards the family. “Oh, please, please forgive me! I will do whatever I can to make sure you have a home for Christmas, all of you!”

The family was warmed by laughter and smiles as Dickenson guided them back to the house. One of the children exclaimed, “Merry Christmas!”

Strax stood in the snow covered street and pondered what had just occurred.

“Humans,” he muttered to himself. “Hmph!” And Strax returned to his home on the other side of the street.

And that year, it was a most glorious Christmas and everyone enjoyed themselves quite a lot, especially after Strax remembered to remove the acid moat.

With that the Doctor brought his hands together and said, “And that is the story of how Strax saved Christmas.”

The Doctor looked down at his side where little Jillian was snuggled up close, fast asleep.

Timmy was incredulous. “Wow! A Christmas story with an alien from outer space? Cool!”

Phred scrunched up his face. “I don’t know. 1890's? That was back in, what, the Dark Ages or something? Surely someone would realize that Strax was…”

Phred’s train of thought was interrupted by the front door opening and closing. It was a woman and a young girl. The girl was Courtney Woods, a student from Coal Hill School who had travelled with the Doctor and Clara before.

“Oh, Doctor! Miss Oswald told my mom she arranged for someone to watch the kids,” Courtney said with a bemused expression, “but I didn’t expect it would be you!”

“Hello, Courtney,” the Doctor replied. “I was just finishing up telling the children a story.”

“Yeah!” said Timmy excitedly. “A Christmas story with a space alien in it!”

“And acid!” Phred added.

Courtney arched an eyebrow at the Doctor who shrugged. “Ah, you know, it was just a story.”

“I bet,” Courtney answered.

Mrs. Woods gathered the two boys to her. “OK, boys! Off to bed with you.” Then to the Doctor, she said, “After I get the boys settled in, I’ll take little Jillian off your hands.”

The Doctor looked at Courtney’s mother for a moment, his face an expression of stone. Then slowly a slight, surprisingly gentle smile drew itself over his lined face.

“I’m fine,” said the Doctor. “Go, take your time.”

Mrs. Woods nodded her understanding as her daughter joined in to direct the boys from the room.

 “OK then,” said Courtney. “Off we go, boys!”

“Good night, Timmy,” said the Doctor, “Good night, Phred with a PH.” 

“Thanks, Doctor! Good night,” Phred and Timmy both replied as they were guided upstairs to go to bed.

“Good night,” said the Doctor softly. Quietly watching the crackling flames dance in the fireplace, the Doctor put his arm around the slumbering Jillian. The little girl snuggled even closer to him in her sleep, dreaming her most fantastic dreams, safely in the company of the Doctor.

The End

Merry Christmas 

from Dave-El and the gang here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You*!