Clowns are scary.
There. I said it.
Of course this is not exactly a groundbreaking statement, is
it? We’ve had a lot of examples of the image of a clown being turned from a
façade of mirth to a masque of horror. Pennywise from Stephen King’s It. Twisty
the Clown from American Horror Story. Of course, the big example of clowns gone
wrong is the Joker from Batman, the Crown Prince of Crime, the Master of Mirth,
Murder and Mayhem. The Joker with his corpse white skin, his gruesome green
hair, his blood red lips and that twisted smile forever frozen on his distorted
face.
The idea of a clown as an amusement for innocents seems
further removed from any sense of reality.
The subject of clowns as a source of fear has been making
the rounds lately with reports of clowns appearing in the woods attempting to
lure children with candy. It started in South Carolina where kids reported
seeing such a clown in some nearby woods. The number of these sightings have
increased and expanded into other states including North Carolina. Just a few
days ago, there was a clown sighting along the road not far from my home here
at the Fortress of Ineptitude. That story had a bit of a twist. It seems the clown was reportedly chased back into the woods by a dedicated citizen with a machete. But we are taking the word of a dude who's first impulse was to investigate this mystery with a machete so who knows.
You see, oddly enough for all these sightings of clowns, no
one has actually seen a clown.
OK, how does that work? How can you have a sighting of a
clown unless you’ve seen a clown? Well, kids will tell a grown up they saw a
clown in the woods. This grown up or other authority figures will go out and
check and, well, nothing. No clown. No tufts of rainbow colored hair. No scraps
of colorful satin cloth. No size 24 footprints. Nothing.
So what gives? There are ideas. Perhaps these clowns are
ghosts. Or they can turn invisible. Or they’re time travelling clowns that
disappear back to the future from whence they came. Or they’re alien clowns
shifting through space or other dimensions to elude capture. Maybe they are
clown demons from the hoary nether regions of hell.
There is this really stupid idea that these kids are just
making this shit up but c’mon! How likely is that?
I am reminded of a couple of things from my childhood when I
was a much younger Dave-El. One was the
time I was a clown. I honestly can’t remember WHY I was a clown. There was some
parade or other damn thing going on and my fellow members of the National Honor
Society got roped into this. The National Honor Society was for those kids who
were really, really smart. Well, if I was so smart, how did I get suckered into
being a clown?
It was probably that damn Meredith who batted her blue
eyes at me framed by that golden blonde hair and said, “C’mon! You will make a
great clown!” And my brain went , “Duh!” And my heart went, “Oh my God! A GIRL
is talking to me!” And my penis went, “Don’t look down here! DON’T LOOK DOWN
HERE!”
So I wound up being a clown. I remember very well the
torture of having make up applied to my eye lids. Yes! My! Eye! Lids! I really
don’t like some pokey object thing coming near my eyes like that.
The rest of my experience with being a clown was a bit of a
blur. I remember walking around the route of the parade handing out balloons
and candy and luring innocent children to my abattoir of death. Wait a minute.
Not that last bit, sorry. Just balloons and candy. I can’t imagine I was a very
good clown. I was a teenager desperately afraid of looking stupid. As a grown
ass middle aged man, I give less of a damn about looking stupid so in that, I
would make a better clown. But I’m even more creeped out by things coming near
my eyes than I was when I was younger so, no. And I really don’t like clowns.
If I saw myself in a mirror made up like a clown, I would keel over dead from
shock, another victim of a killer clown.
The other thing I’m thinking of from childhood isn’t about
clowns but about the power of a story that had gotten out of control. There was
a crossroads community named Sidney about a half dozen miles outside of town.
Behind a trailer park off the main road running through Sidney was a stand of
trees and among those trees, there dwelled a visitor from another world.
By all accounts from a woman who lived in the trailer park,
there was a mysterious light in the forest followed by the presence of a
strange creature with green skin and bulbous eyes. Over the course of several
days, this alien visitor would appear and disappear at random times throughout
the night. Believe it or not, this brought in some actually honest to goodness
media coverage. Reporters from newspapers and television came down to check
this out. All this added attention spooked the alien who vanished back among
the stars from whence he had came.
There was this really stupid idea that this woman in the
trailer park was just making this shit up but c’mon! How likely is that? Yes, she
had a drug and alcohol problem but hell, it was the 1970s in the rural south.
Everyone had a drug and alcohol problem.
Today, instead of big eyed green aliens, we’ve got clowns.
Creepy, sinister clowns lurking in the woods seeking to lure children to slave
away in the soul mines in the depths of the fiery pits of hell. Or something. Who
knows?
Clowns are scary.
Until next time, remember to be good to one another.
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