The "Better Russian Than Democrat" Dumbasses Go to Russia

So there were these two dumbasses at a Trump rally who as true patriots and a dedication to America First (FIRST, goddammit!), declared their allegiance to...

Vladimir Putin? 

Well, of course they do.

"Better a Russian than a Democrat"? 

Well, let's see how that holds up when we take a look at what happens when...

The "Better Russian Than Democrat" Dumbasses 

Go to Russia!!

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Our story begins in November 2018 shortly after the Democrats have swept the midterm elections and taken back both the Senate and the House of Representatives as well as (somehow) the International House of Pancakes.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump is trying to squeeze his fat ass into one of Melania's dresses so he can sneak out the back door of the White House. Someone who looks like Robert Mueller is at the front door. 

This is more than Earl and Elroy can stand.

"Dammit, Elroy! Them there Democrats are in charge!" Earl snaps.

Elroy growls as he replies, "I swore by God that I would rather be a Russian than a Democrat. You know what we gotta do, Earl!" 

"We're going to Russia!" Earl declares as Elroy lets out a "Yee-Ha" whoop of joy. 

So they load up their truck and they drive to Russia*.

*While we weren't looking, Devin Nunes had snuck in an appropriations bill to build a land bridge between Alaska and Russia.. just in case it was needed. And... it was.   

Anyway, Earl and Elroy arrive at a guard post on the Russian border. They enter the cold, austere building. Working behind the counter are three men.

(One of them might be a woman. They're all wearing thick coats and those thick fur hats. It's hard to tell and to be blunt, has no bearing on our story.) 

"Howdy, my name is Earl and this here is Elroy!" Earl announces with glee as the two men approach the counter, their faces beaming with barely contained joy under the brims of their Make America Great Again hats. 

"And we're here to become Russians!" Elroy adds.

And the two men add in unison, "Better to be a Russian than  a Democrat!" 

"Hell yeah!" says Earl.

"Democrats are shit!" adds Elroy. 

"Of course. Welcome to Russia. My name is Dmitri. If you wish to stay in Russia, you must fill out form."

Turning to one of the others behind the counter, he asks, "Dmitri, I need form. Trump special."

The 2nd person answers, "I ran out of Trump special forms. Maybe Dimitri has some."

The 3rd person answered, "Yes, I have some Trump specials. Here you go, Dmitri."

Earl and Elroy look vaguely confused so Dmitri (the 1st one) explains, "In Russia, everyone named Dmitri." 

Dmitri 1 pushes two sheets of paper towards Earl and Elroy. "You must answer simple question and sign." 

The sheets of paper have one question:

"Was there collusion? Check YES or NO."

And at the bottom a single line with the instruction "sign here".

Both Earl and Elroy both took the two forms, emphatically checking the NO box and signing their names.  

"Collusion? Shit!" says Earl with complete and utter disdain.

"Everyone knows that collusion shit was just a hoax made up by the left wing media," Elroy says.  

"And the Democrats!" Earl interjects. 

"Democrats are shit!" adds Elroy. 

"Hillary," growls Earl.

"I fucking hate Hillary", says Elroy with barely repressed rage.

"Take it easy, Earl. We're gonna be Russian now." 

Once more, the two men proclaim in unison, "Better to be a Russian than a Democrat!"  

Dmitri takes the forms and hands them to Dmitri (not that one, the other one.) "Make sure forms in order." 

Then turning back to Earl and Elroy, Dmitri says, "OK, while your paper work is being processed, I need to check your luggage." 

"No problem," says Earl as he heaves a large bag on the counter. 

Dmitri unzips the bag and pulls out two guns, one each hand.

"You have guns?"

"Damn straight!" boasts Earl. 

"Obama never got 'em," Elroy comments. 

"You like guns?" Dmitri asks. 

"Oh hell yeah!" Earl answers. "We love guns!"

"NRA members for life!" Elroy adds.  

Then both Earl and Elroy cast their eyes heavenward, placing their hands over their hearts.  

Speaking solemnly in unison, they intone, "May they rest in peace."  

"Nancy Fucking Pelosi," Earl growls. 

"Those shit head Democrats," Elroy adds. 

"Well, we won't have to put up with 'em anymore," Earl notes.

And again the two men speak in unison, "Better to be Russian than a Democrat!"  

"Yes," says Dmitri. "I take guns." 

Earl reacts with shock. "What?" 

Elroy protests, "You can't do that!" 

Dmitri replies, "Yes, we can. In Russia, no guns." 

Earl: "No guns?"  

Dmitri: "No guns." 

Elroy: "What? Are you a Democrat?" 

Dmitri: "No, Russian. Remember: Better Russian...."

Earl and Elroy mumble together, "...than a Democrat, I guess."


Earl pleads, "But really, our guns...." 

Elroy mutters, "C'mon, man." 

Dmitri: "Sorry. In Russia now. In Russia, no guns." 

Earl: "But...."

Elroy: "But..." 

Dmitri: "Dmitri?"  

The second Dmitri turns. 

Dmitri snaps, "I wasn't talking to you. Dmitri?" 

The third Dmitri walks up while the first Dmitri hands over the guns. 

"Lock these in storage, thank you," Dmitri instructs.   

Earl: "But...

Elroy: "Oh no..."

Earl: "Our guns...."

Elroy: "What...."

Dmitri returns to looking through the bag. "What else do you have here?" 

Dmitri pulls out two 6-packs of beer.

"Ooh, you have beer?" Dmitri observes.

Earl answers, "Oh hell yeah. That's beer!"

Elroy adds, "Beer's our drink for a good ol' workin' man!"

Earl says, "Not like we gonna drink wine!"

Elroy replies with disgust, "Wine ain't worth shit!"

Earl agrees. "We ain't no wine sipping pansies like them there libtard Democrats!"

"I hate Democrats," Elroy growls.

The two men solemnly recite their sacred vow: "Better to be Russian than a -" 

"I take beer," Dmitri interjects. 

Earl is shocked. "What?!"


So is Elroy. "Waitaminut! What?!"

"In Russia, you drink vodka. No beer," Dmitri explains.   


Earl is stunned. "Vodka?!?" 

So is Elroy. "Waitaminut! What?!"

Dmitri calls out, "Dmitri, I need you to take this beer away."

The second Dmitri turns to respond.  

Dmitri snaps, "Really, what is your problem? Dmitri?" 

The third Dmitri steps up and takes the beer away. The faces of Earl and Elroy are crestfallen under the deepening shadows beneath the brims of their Make America Great Again hats. 

"Our beer," Earl says sadly.

"Damn," is all Elroy could say.

Dmitri continues to rummage through the bag as he pulls out a laptop.

"Ooh, nice laptop," Dmitri remarks. "Use it to surf internet, yeah? Not for anything criminal, I hope."

"No," says Earl, "Just mostly to, you know..."

Earl: "Look at porn."   Elroy: "Read the Bible." 

Earl and Elroy cough nervously.

Earl adds, "Well, also Bible stuff, of course."

"And porn too. You know, with women...." Elroy said.

Dmitri smiles and nods. "I understand. Women, yeah? You know, with... other women?"

Earl is taken aback. "You mean, like lesbians? Hell, no!"

Elroy is adamant as well. "That gay shit is an abomination!"

"Like it says in the Bible!" Earl said.

"No, the porn we watch is women being fucked by men," Elroy emphasizes. 

"Like it says in the Bible!" Earl declares.

"You know who wants all that gay shit?" Elroy asks.

"Democrats!" Earl answers. "They're all gay!"

"I hate Democrats," Elroy growls.   

The two men once more recite their sacred oath: "Better to be a Russian than a -" 

"I take laptop ," Dmitri says.

"FUCK!" Earl snaps.

"Dmitri!" Elroy shouts.

Dmitri 2 and Dmitri 3 stand up and look at the two men.

Dmitri 1 is annoyed. "He's not talking to you! Really, you guys. It's not that complicated!"

Turning his attention to Earl and Elroy, Dmitri says, "Yes, I take laptop."

"Is it because of the porn?" Earl asks.

"Porn AND Bible. Two big no-no's in Russia. Sorry, I take laptop."  

Elroy bristles as he speaks, "Dmitri, we want our shit back."

Dmitri shakes his head. "Sorry, you're in Russia. No guns. No beer. No porn OR Bible."

Earl whines, "But our stuff..."

Dmitri sighs. "Look, gentlemen. I follow news from America. Democrats....."

Elroy: "Democrats...."

Dmitri: "They take Senate, no?"

Earl: "Yeah, dammit. I bet they put Rosie O'Donnell on the Supreme Court." 

Dmitri: "Democrats take the House of Representatives..."

Elroy shakes his head sadly. "It broke my heart to see that great patriot Devin Nunes in tears like that."

Dmitri: "And they take International House of Pancakes."

Earl: "How the hell the Democrats get the IHOP?!

Elroy: "You know, Earl, when you think about it, it really doesn't make any sense." 

Dmitri: "And what about Donald Trump?"  

Earl and Elroy doff their Make America Great Again hats and hold them over their hearts. Each shedding a single tear, Earl says, "God bless Donald J. Trump, the best goddam president a good ol' country white boy ever had."

Elroy nods in assent. "Amen, brother. Amen." 

Dmitri nods. "I understand news from America, Democrats are everywhere, right?"

Earl and Elroy glumly nod. 

Earl responds dejectedly, "Yeah, damn Democrats..."  

"Yeah, goddam Democrats...everywhere."  

Dmitri asks, "And what do you say about that?"

Earl mumbles, "Better a Russian...." 

"Than a Democrat," mutters Elroy. 

Dmitri smiles broadly. "And congratulations! You have been vetted and approved. You are now Russian. I take hats please." 

Earl and Elroy sullenly hand over their Make America Great Again hats.

Dmitri takes the hats and says, "Dmitri?"  

Dmitri 2 just sits there.  

Dmitri 1 snaps, "Don't just sit there. How can you not know when I am talking to you? Bring me the new hats."  

Dmitri 2 goes to a cabinet and retrieves 2 large fur objects and brings them back to Dmitri 1. 

"Thank you, Dmitri," says Dmitri as he takes 2 large Russian fur hats in hand. Then he turns to his guests.  

"Here. Take hats," says Dmitri as Earl and Elroy tentatively reach for the thick, brown furred headwear.  

"What...?" asks Earl.

"What...?" asks Elroy.

Dmitri smiles. "You are Russian. You wear Russian hat. You will please put on hats."

Earl and Elroy stare at the fur hats in their hands. 

Dmitri's smile narrows to a frown. "Now. Please." 

Earl and Elroy slowly put on the hats. 

Dmitri smiles again. "Good. You are properly Russian now..."

Dmitri nods to Earl and says "Dmitri..." 

Dmitri nods to Elroy and says "...and you too, Dmitri." 

"What...?" asks Earl.

"What...?" asks Elroy.

Dmitri explains, "You are Russian now. In Russia, everyone named Dmitri. You are Russian, therefore you are Dmitri."

Dmitri shrugs and says, "Better than being Democrat, right?"  

The two men stare glassy eyed, unmoving.  

Dmitri said, "You may go now."  

The two men continue to stare straight ahead, eyes blank, standing still.  

"Go. Now. Please."  

The two men slowly turn, as if sleepwalking and head outside. 

There, the two men shiver in the cold as one man says to the other, "Well, still better being a Russian than a Democrat, right?" 

The other man hunkers his shoulders down against the Russian winter wind as he replies, "Oh fuck you, Dmitri."  

------END------