WARNING: the following post is going to get kind of weird.
The post beyond the red line does not reflect the views of the management of I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Inc or of anyone who is properly managing their medication.
Thanks!
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With a new showrunner and a new Doctor and a whole lot of other new shiny thing attached, it may seem that there is nothing about Doctor Who that has stayed the same.
But there is one thing that's NOT changing with the new Doctor Who:
The Doctor's pay check.
As you know, women often get paid less than men because they're women. Which is stupid.
This gender pay gap has been particularly problematic at the BBC with women getting less pay than men for the same jobs.
But not this time.
Jodie Whittaker made sure that she got paid the same as her Doctor Who predecessor Peter Capaldi. Then she found out how much Peter Capaldi was paid and said, Wow! I wish I'd asked for more money!
<Rim shot>
I really don't know how much Peter Capaldi got paid. I know actors are doing a job and they get paid like people do when they get a job. But it's odd to think about.
But when I try to think about it, I think of something...
....like this.
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Scene opens: The 12th Doctor grasping his sonic screwdriver, his eyes flaring with intensity.
The Doctor: This planet is under MY protection! If you threaten the Earth again, the Doctor will stop you!
Director: Cut!
We pull back as we see cameras and lighting rigs retreat from around the Doctor.
Director: Great delivery on that line, Peter! That's a wrap! We can call it a day.
Peter Capaldi wearily exhales.
Peter: Not quite. I have to go down to HR. They still have the wrong name on my paycheck.
Peter exits the set of Doctor Who, still in his Doctor costume.
He walks down some stairs and enters a nondescript hallway. He enters through a door and approaches a bored uninterested woman sitting at a desk. The name plate on her desk says her name is Carol.
Peter: Yes, ah....
Peter looks down at the name plate.
Peter: Carol, I see. Yes, I need to speak to someone about my paycheck, Carol.
Carol: What's the problem?
Peter: My paycheck has the wrong name on it.
Carol looks at the check.
Carol: David Tennant?
Peter: No, I'm Peter Capaldi. I'm the Doctor now, see?
Peter pulls out the sonic screwdriver and makes it glow and whirl. He forces a smile as he gestures towards himself in his Doctor Who costume.
Carol: I see. Please sit down over there, Mr. Tennant...
Peter: Capaldi!
Carol: Whatever. I'll see what I can do.
Peter grumpily sits down in a chair.
Peter: I don't see why this should be so difficult.
Sitting next to Peter is Matt Smith, still in his 11th Doctor suit.
Matt: Oy! Tell me about it, mate.
Scene change: The 13th Doctor grasping her sonic screwdriver, her eyes flaring with intensity.
The Doctor: This planet is under MY protection! If you threaten the Earth again, the Doctor will stop you!
Director: Cut!
We pull back as we see cameras and lighting rigs retreat from around the Doctor.
Director: Great delivery on that line, Jodie! That's a wrap! We can call it a day.
Jodie Whittaker wearily exhales.
Jodie: Not quite. I have to go down to HR. There's a problem with my paycheck.
Director: What's the problem?
Jodie: It has the wrong name on it.
Director: Don't tell me Peter's name is still on it?
Jodie: Nah! You would think....
Scene change to HR.
Peter Capaldi and Matt Smith are still sitting there, bored and tired. Music in the background is a light jazz version of the Doctor Who theme. Carol is sitting at her desk, vacantly looking at her computer, playing Solitaire.
Peter sighs.
Peter: Oh, working for the BBC will be fun, Steven said.
Matt: Oh miss, I wonder if....
Carol: No, not yet.
Matt: Oy!
Peter: Remind me to kill Steven Moffat.
Matt: You and me both, mate.
Peter sighs again.
Jodie Whittaker enters and approaches Carol's desk.
Jodie: Yes, ah....
Jodie looks down at the name plate.
Jodie: Carol, I see. Yes, I need to speak to someone about my pay.....
Jodie's train of thought drifts off when she sees Peter and Matt are sitting there.
Jodie: No? Really?
Peter: Yes, really.
Jodie: Well, bugger!
Matt: Yes, bugger!
Jodie: Remind me to kill Chris Chibnall.
....and SCENE!
Well, thank goodness, that's over, right?
See the Doctor journey across the stars and traverse oceans of time as she tries to cash a check made out to David Tennant!
OK, sorry, but no, it's not quite over yet.
Now.... THE EPILOGUE!
Scene opens: The interior of a nice home somewhere near London or somewhere British. A doorbell sounds as David Tennant walks down the hall to open the door. Standing there are two police officers.
David Tennant: Why, hello, officers.
Sgt. Chapman: Are you David Tennant?
David Tennant: Why yes, I am. Can I help you?
Sgt. Chapman: Yes, I am Sgt. Chapman from Scotland Yard and this is Officer Gilliam.
The second officer nods slightly.
Sgt. Chapman: Also of Scotland Yard. And we are here to arrest you.
David Tennant: What? Arrest me? What for?
Sgt. Chapman: You are charged with not paying taxes on income you've earned from Doctor Who since 2010 to the present.
David Tennant: What? What?
And this thankfully is the end of this insufferably long and silly post. Except for one more word from David as he is led away in handcuffs by Sgt. Chapman of Scotland Yard and Officer Gilliam, also of Scotland Yard.
David Tennant: What?!?
And THAT is the END!
OK, I feel bad that I left Jodie, Peter and Matt in HR with Carol. So let's go fix that.
Now.... THE EPILOGUE 2!
Scene: the drab interior of the BBC HR office. Carol is doing nothing of importance while Matt, Peter and Jodie continue to wait... impatiently.
Matt: So striking a blow for gender equality, eh?
Jodie: Well trying to. Not getting paid less than this guy, right?
Peter: I'm not getting paid!
Jodie: I know! Hey, Carol?
Carol: No, not yet.
Jodie: Bugger!
Matt: Bloody hell!
Peter: Dammit!!
Two police officers enter the office.
Sgt. Chapman: I say, what goes on here?
Jodie: Coppers!
Matt: Oy!
Peter: What is it now?
Sgt. Chapman: Yes, I am Sgt. Chapman from Scotland Yard and this is Officer Gilliam.
The second officer nods slightly.
Sgt. Chapman: Also of Scotland Yard. There has been a complaint and we are here to arrest you.
Carol: Huh?
Jodie: What?
Matt: Yeah, what?
Peter: Arrest us? Why?
Sgt. Chapman: No, not you lot! That bloke, the person writing this.
Dave-El: What? Arrest me? What for?
Sgt. Chapman: For violation of the "Not knowing when to end a bloody blog post" act.
Dave-El: You can't do that!
Sgt. Chapman: Oh yes, I can, sir. This post has gone on way too long, it is to be fair quite unnecessarily silly and is in clear violation of...
A man in a tan trench coat enters the scene and places a hand of Sgt. Chapman's shoulder.
Sgt. Chapman: I say, what goes on here now?
Inspector Cleese: I am Inspector Cleese of Scotland Yard and I am here to arrest you, Sgt. Chapman from Scotland Yard and also Officer Gilliam.
The second officer nods slightly.
Inspector Cleese: Also of Scotland Yard.
Sgt. Chapman: Arrest us? On what charges, may I inquire?
Inspector Cleese: For coming in with the "I'm so and so with Scotland Yard" and arresting everyone to bring a blog post to an end. It's clearly a violation of anything resembling original thinking and it is, quite frankly, silly.
Sgt. Chapman: Well, it's a fair cop. Just one last thing to be said.
Inspector Cleese: Which is...?
David Tennant: What?!?
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