Life After Work: The Rediscovered Country

On this, the last day of the year, I am technically living LAW!!!

Yes, Life After Work! 

I am still unemployed. 

But not for much longer. 

By the end of January 2021, I will be gainfully employed once more. 

I will be going back to the company that let me go back in April. 

No, I'm not holding a grudge. I do not take what happened to me personally and I have nothing to gain if I did.

I will be making less money in this new position with the company but a bit more than this position normally pays. And my seniority with the company will be retained so I will have all the paid time off that comes from 16 years of service. So that's kind of cool. 

While it is the same company, I will be working in a different division so I will have the opportunity to expand my knowledge and skill sets.  

I do not discuss where I work and what specifically I do on this blog. I understand the importance of keeping this blog activity separate from my professional life. Too many people have jeopardized their careers because of stuff they shared on the internet. 

This blog is my forum for telling you that Doctor Who is awesome and Donald Trump sucks which has zero to do with what I do for a living. 

It will be good to once again be able to answer that I do in fact do something for a living instead of being self-employed, working at doing nothing all day.  

I am hoping that having a job once again bodes well for 2021. 

As we move from the struggles of 2020 to the potential of 2021, we are halfway out of the dark. 

Good luck to all. Remember to be good to one another.

And I remain so glad that my suffering amuses you.  

Soul

 Well, it's been awhile since I was able to write about seeing a first run motion picture on opening weekend. 

The last time the fam made an excursion from the Fortress of Ineptitude to see a new movie in a theater on opening weekend was Pixar's Onward. 

This weekend, it was once again a Pixar film but nope, no excursions from the Fortress this time. We watched this new opening weekend release was through Disney+. 

Soul opens with the standard image of Disney's magical kingdom to the usual strains of "When You Wish Upon a Star". Except the music is discordant and off key, as if played by a middle school band. 

Which it is. We meet Joe Gardner, a middle school music teacher who feels stuck in life and unfulfilled at his job. He dreams of being a full time jazz musician.  

Joe gets a chance to audition as a piano player for  Dorothea Williams, a respected jazz musician and saxophone player.  She is impressed enough to give him a spot on her quartet. 

Giddy that his life's goal is within reach, Joe falls down a manhole.

This turn of events is pretty much in keeping with how I think life works. 

So Joe is now a soul heading towards the "Great Beyond". Joe can't die now; he's booked! He has a gig! 

Joe makes a break for it but winds up in the "Great Before" where unborn souls are prepared for life on Earth. 

Except for Soul 22. 

Soul 22 has remained in the Great Before for millennia and sees no point in living on Earth. 22 reveals that she has a badge that fills up with traits. She needs to find her "spark" to complete it which she has successfully avoided doing to avoid going to Earth.  

If  Joe can help her fill the badge, 22 will give the badge to Joe so he can return to life on Earth.  

By the way, in what may be a Disney/Pixar first, the word "hell" is said. A lot. Joe asks if he is in heaven or "H - E - double hockey sticks". The young childlike unborn souls around him start saying the word "hell" over and over. (Like the seagulls in Finding Nemo saying "mine" repeatedly.)  

Eventually Joe gets back to Earth but accidentally brings 22 with him. And adding to the mayhem, 22 winds up in Joe's body while Joe's soul winds up in the body of a therapy cat. 

Meanwhile, Terry, an accountant designated to counting souls headed to the Great Beyond, finds the count off and is on a mission to return the missing soul.

After millennia of resisting all efforts to get her to Earth, 22 in Joe's body discovers all sorts of little things she likes about being alive. Watching from the cat, Joe is astonished to see how well 22 is living Joe's life. 

But Joe is still determined to get his body back and his life back. He is focused on playing that gig with Dorothea Williams.  

Soul asks big questions about life on the macro level: what happens after we die? What happens before we are born?

And Soul asks big questions about life on the micro level:  What does an individual do with their life? How does a person find their purpose, their passion, their spark? 

Joe Gardner assumes jazz is his spark. He's good at it, he enjoys it. With 22 navigating his life, Joe learns that the spark of life is both bigger and smaller than his music.  

Some very heady stuff for a Pixar movie. 

Soul is not a kids movie with some stuff for the adults tagging along. This is very much a movie for grown ups. 

I've seen a couple of reviews that while positive admitted their kids wandered off. 

When Soul ended with it's life affirming message to live each day to it's fullest, I informed my family, "I don't mind telling you that I am a bit depressed right now. 

Telling me to live each day to it's fullest is way more of a burden than I'm usually prepared to cope with. 

Director Peter Docter describeds Soul as "an exploration of, where should your focus be? What are the things that, at the end of the day, are really going to be the important things that you look back on and go, 'I spent a worthy amount of my limited time on Earth worrying or focused on that'?".

OK, that is way too much pressure.  Can I just go back to bed and take a nap now?  

When Soul isn't trying to twist my soul into a knot of existential angst, it's certainly is a visual spectacle to look at. From the rattle and hum of New York City's streets to the cosmic journey to the Great Beyond to the ethereal wonders of the Great Before, Pixar pulls out the stops with a very visually appealing look. 

And Soul sounds as good as it looks.  Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross of Nine Inch Nails composed a new-age score for the metaphysical segments of the score; Jon Batiste composed original jazz songs for the New York City-based segments.  

The voice cast is very good with Jamie Foxx in fine form as the voice of Joe Gardner.  22's cynical viewpoint is given voice with the perfectly cast Tina Fey; Tina also contributed to the screenplay.  

John Ratzenberger who has never missed a Pixar movie is not in the credits but he's still there as an offscreen voice in Joe's memories.   

I would dare say Soul is perhaps Pixar's crowning achievement that is both enjoyable and thought provoking. Even it makes me confront the meaning of life and the purpose of my own existence.

I think I'm gonna lie down and take a nap now.   

Tuesday TV Touchbase: The Mandalorian & The Crown

 

For this, the last Tuesday TV Touchbase for 2020, I would take a look at the season finales of The Mandalorian & The Crown. 

The 2nd season of The Mandalorian ended in epic fashion.  The pursuit of Grogu, the erstwhile "Baby Yoda", has led to Moff Gideon's star cruiser. Bo-Katan, Koska, Fennec and Dune fight through stormtroopers to the bridge where Bo-Katan plans to confront Moff Gideon, defeat him and reclaim the Darksaber. 

How cool is it that all four of these warriors are women.

Meanwhile the Mandalorian himself, Din Djarin, makes a bee line for where Grogu is being held captive. There are a crap ton of Dark Troopers in Djarin's way. Mando ejects the bulk of the Dark Troopers into space but one is still on the ship. In a throw down with just one Dark Trooper, Mando is very much outmatched but manages to eke out a win over the imposing super strong trooper droid. 

Then Mando finds Grogu and yep, Moff Gideon is with him.  Which puts a crimp on Bo's plan to kick his ass on the bridge. 

Moff Gideon and the Mandalorian get into it. Mando's a bit tapped out from taking out that dark trooper but he does have an edge over Gideon. It seems for all of the Darksaber's power, the one thing it can't cut is Beskar which is what Mando's armor is made of. 

Mando defeats Gideon in battle but the war is not yet won. The Dark Troopers shot into space are back and no way in hell Mando and his four warrior friends can defeat this horde. 

Then a ship arrives and it's one occupant comes aboard, a dark cloaked individual with a green glowing light saber. This hooded savior shreds the Dark Trooper multitudes with his blazing emerald swords and the Force. Arriving on the bridge, this person pulls back his hood to reveal...

Luke Skywalker! 

Damn! 

The sequence gives us a chance to see Luke Skywalker being a bad ass, something he didn't get to show way back in the movies. 

And Luke is brought to life by none other than Mark Hamill is own damn self.  But not without some help through the use of a CGI version of Hamill's de-aged likeness digitally animated over a body double with the use of motion capture. So we get a still young Luke not long after the events of Return of the Jedi. 

Luke is there to take Grogu with him to complete his Jedi training. 

Grogu doesn't want to leave Mando. 

Then R2-D2 shows up and...

YES! Frickin' R2-D2 shows up!!!!!

Artoo says "Beep, bloop, beep, beep, bloop" which convinces  Grogu to go with Luke.

As Grogu leaves, the Mandalorian removes his helmet and tearfully looks on. 

Mando took off his helmet, guys!!!!

So what is next for the Mandalorian? Well, it may take awhile to find out. A post credit scene featuring Bobba Fett killing Bib Fortuna and claiming the throne formerly held by Jabba the Hutt. A graphic tells us this will lead into something called "The Book of Bobba Fett". 

As for Din Djarin, the Mandalorian himself, the driving purpose of his life for the first two seasons has been the protection of the Child and delivering him to a Jedi. This will disappoint my wife Andrea but this may in fact seal the deal when it comes to "Baby Yoda". 

It may well be that Bo-Katan's quest to reclaim Mandalore may become Djarin's new purpose in life. And it does seem that there are larger issues that may demand Mando's attention. Though defeated at the end of Return of the Jedi, the Empire has not faded away and it's loyal attendants like Moff Gideon are determined to reclaim power. 

Which we know that by The Force Awakens, the First Order is doing just that. The evolution of the Empire's remnants into the First Order will draw the Mandalorian's attention, whether he wants to be involved or not. 

For the 4th season finale of The Crown, the theme seems to be sewing the seeds of one's own destruction. 

After 11 years as Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher seems to have overstayed her welcome. But even after over a decade in office, Thatcher is not prepared to go.   Laser focused on the work of her conservative agenda, she has nothing else she wants to do. She has no other purpose or passion beyond being Prime Minister.  

And because she is so laser focused on the work of her conservative agenda and because she has no other purpose or passion beyond being Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher has done little to cultivate any kind of support system. Not enough people have enough empathy for Margaret to support her in her uphill climb to hold on to power as Prime Minister.  

After 11 years as Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher gets the old "here's your hat, what's your hurry, don't let the door hit you on the way out" brush off and Thatcher is forced to step down. 

Thatcher's lack of compassion and her myopic fixation on her conservative agenda ultimately bites her in the ass and costs her the very thing she prized above all else, being Prime Minister. 

Meanwhile, the royal family determinedly sews the seeds of its downfall in their treatment of Diana.  Charles' incessant pining for Camilla and his incessant whining about Diana is getting on everyone's nerves. Outside the walls of her prison castle, Diana is extraordinarily popular. On a visit to America, people just lose their shit when Diana hugs an orphaned AIDS patient, an act of compassion that serves to only piss off Charles. He doesn't like to be upstaged. God, Charles is such an annoying prick in this series. Every effort by Diana to try to please both her husband and the royal family is at the very least ignored or worse, outwardly mocked. 

Queen Elizabeth thinks she can put her foot down and demand that Charles and Diana get their shit together and that will solve everything.  It does not. In the final scene of the 4th season, the royal family is gathering for a group photo. For the moment, Diana is in the picture but the wheels are turning for Diana's inevitable exit. 

With the end of the 4th season, the current cast of The Crown wraps up it's tenure. Olivia Colman was perfect as the Queen as was Helena Bonham Carter as Princess Margaret. I never warmed to Tobias Menzies as Prince Phillip. 

The 5th sesoson will pick with a new cast. Andrea will likely want to continue to watch even though the reason she wanted to watch this series in the first place was that Matt Smith was Prince Phillip. She too never fully accepted Tobias Menzies as Prince Phillip.

So what's on the horizon for my future TV viewing? I think I might sample the new series on BBC America, The Watch. 

Also coming up will be the 2nd season of Snowpiercer and the new Marvel series on Disney +, WandaVision. 

Until next time, remember to be good to one another and keep it down will, ya? I'm trying to watch some TV here.  

 

Dispatch From Somewhere New

 Hello, everyone! 

'Tis the week after Christmas and we're staring down the barrel at New Year's Day! 2020 is almost frickin' done! 

2021 will not start with a completely clean slate. For example, the bane of 2020,  COVID-19, will still be with us. But we have vaccines available and a hopefully improved government leadership to guide us to maybe at last put the worst of the pandemic behind us. 

I am writing this post on some new tech here in the Fortress of Ineptitude, a new Chromebook, my big Christmas present thanks to my wife's generosity in purchasing it and my daughter's patience in setting it up for me to use. 

It will provide me a handy-dandy platform to write this silly little blog from other places than within the confines of my home office -slash- storage room. 

Assuming I get use to this fershlugginer keyboard.

Tomorrow on the blog, it's the last Tuesday TV Touchbase for 2020 as I look at the last of two season finales of two shows, The Mandolorian and The Crown. 

Until next time, remember to be good to one another. 

Cinema Sunday: Go West

 

Oh a look! It's a Cinema Sunday! And this a week, we're a gonna look at a western a picture a featuring the Marx a Brothers, Go West, a 1940 film from MGM.  

OK, that may sound like a weird mash up with Groucho, Harpo, and Chico in the Old West. And it is. 

Before anyone can have any adventures in the west, they have to get there. 

The movie begins at a rail station with men ready to head west to find their fortune. 

S. Quentin Quale (Groucho) is heading west to find his fortune, by hook and/or crook, Quale is flexible. 

The Panello brothers, Joseph (Chico) and Rusty (Harpo) are also heading west to find their fortune.  They too are rather flexible on how such fortune may be obtained. 

They are all short the money needed for a train ticket and spend the first act conning each other out of the same money.

The Panellos come out on top and head out west. They have dreams of finding gold but they ain't gonna find it on Dead Man's Gulch. The Panellos give their last $10 to old miner Dan Wilson to get the deed to this worthless patch of ground. 

Meanwhile, Dan Wilson's granddaughter Eve is in love with Terry Turner who is from the wrong side of tracks which is a neat trick since there's no track yet. Terry has plans to convince the railroad to direct their track through Dead Man's Gulch which will make the land worth something. 

Meanwhile, S. Quentin Quale (who you may recall is played b y Groucho Marx) has made it out west and somehow insinuated himself into this railroad transaction and is working with the Panellos. 

Meanwhile, crooked railroad executive John Beecher and shady saloon owner "Red" Baxter have gotten their grubby hands on the deed to Dead Man's Gulch for the low, low price of absolutely zilch. 

Meanwhile.... OK, I gotta admit. I was watching this movie on a Sunday afternoon. My daughter Randie was out of the house, my wife Andrea was in the back of the house and I think I may have dozed off. 

Somehow a chase ensues. Beecher and Baxter are racing to get out of the town to do something or another to finalize their theft of Dead Man's Gulch. Quale, the Panellas, Eve and Terry are are in hot pursuit to keep that from happening. There's a train involved that at some point starts skittering around in places without a track. Then when its back on track, the engine starts losing steam. So Joseph and Rusty break off pieces of the train cars for wood to feed to the engine's furnace.  

When the train gets where it's going, the engine is towing a bunch of stripped down frames where cars used to be. The whole sequence with the train is a remarkable stunt for a 1940 movie.  

By the way, the act of stripping the train in order to provide more fuel for the locomotive was based on a similar scene from the 1927 silent comedy film, The General starring Buster Keaton. Keaton actually served as an advisor on Go West.  

Yes, there are extended sequences where Chico regales us with a piano solo. And in the middle of a Native American village, Harpo still delivers his customary harp solo. 

The chief likes Harpo because he's the Marx Brother who doesn't talk.  

A publicity still for Go West with the Marx Brothers.
But that ain't Groucho. 

 

Go West screenwriter Irving Brecher stood in for an ailing Groucho when publicity stills for the film were madr. Brecher bore a remarkable resemblance to Groucho, sporting Groucho's glasses, greasepaint mustache and eyebrows.

Go West paves the way a bit for the Mel Brooks classic western send up Blazing Saddles which would be released about 30 years later. There are lots of jokes at the expense of the tropes of western movies as well as some anachronistic fun. At one point, Chico mentions making a phone call to someone and Groucho has to remind him the telephone hasn't been invented yet. 

The plot (such as it is) is gossamer thin but the point of Go West seems to be to let the Marx Brothers on a western movie set and create as much havoc as possible.

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Next week's Cinema Sunday will be the first one for the new year. With a shiny new tomorrow laid out in front of us, I will be posting about a retro sci fi film from the early 2000's, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow.  

Songs For Saturday: Roxy Music, Blondie and 10,000 Maniacs

 

Hi there and welcome to Songs For Saturday. It's my weekly post on Saturday where I post songs that I like.

I will need to confess the title of today's post might be a bit misleading. With three groups listed in the title, you might expect to get three songs in today's installment.

Nope.

You're getting one song. 

The same damn song each time.  

That song is "More Than This" written by Bryan Ferry for the Roxy Music album Avalon. 

"More Than This" has been a musical obsession with me for nearly 4 decades. 

One reason was that the album Avalon came out while I was still in college, working at the campus radio station. Back in the day, we played our music directly from vinyl albums and "More Than This" was the first track. So it got played a lot.

The whole Avalon album got played a lot and not just on the campus radio station. There are some really smooth, sultry tunes of this record and with the lights turned down low, Avalon could make the cruddiest dorm room a sexual Shangri-la. 

I'm a guy who didn't get laid much in college. Trust me. You could get laid with this record on your stereo. 

However...

There is a sad side to my compulsion for "More Than This". Sometimes I listen to this song just to re-open the wound in my heart. Right out of college, I lost the first woman I ever truly loved. I would spend many an evening in the dark listening to this song.  

I could feel at the time

There was no way of knowing

Fallen leaves in the night

Who can say where they're blowing?

As free as the wind

Hopefully learning

Why the sea on the tide

Has no way of turning?

More than this, you know there is nothing

More than this, tell me one thing

More than this, there is nothing

Over the years, I have discovered numerous covers of "More Than This".  Here's one by Debbie Harry and Blondie.

"More Than This" is, objectively speaking, a beautiful song. I can enjoy it on it's own aesthetic merits.

But there are times, when it's 2 or 3 in the morning and I remember the pain again.  

It was fun for a while

There was no way of knowing

Like a dream in the night

Who can say where we're going?

No care in the world

Maybe I'm learning

Why the sea on the tide

Has no way of turning?
More than this, you know there is nothing
More than this, tell me one thing
More than this, there is nothing

"More Than This" gained new notoriety when it appeared on the soundtrack on the film Lost in Translation, directed by Sofia Coppola starring Scarlet Johansen and Bill Murray.  There's a scene where Bill Murray's character sings this song at a karaoke party.  I've included a clip of that below.  

"More Than This" has made several appearances in movies (Book Club, Knives Out), TV  shows (Community, The Americans) and even in video games (Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, as a playable song in the in-game radio station Emotion 98.3).  

Perhaps my most favorite rendition of "More Than This" outside of Roxy Music is a cover by the band 10,000 Maniacs. 

After lead singer Natalie Merchant left the band, Mary Ramsey came in as the band's new singer and the new line up established themselves with a cover of "More Than This" in 1997. 

Below is a live version of Mary Ramsey and 10,000 Maniacs of "More Than This". 

So here we are with the last Songs For Saturday for 2020 and...

More than this, now there is nothing

More than this, nothing

More than this

More than this, nothing

Well, I guess there is something, 2021. 

We'll have a new year and maybe we can have a fresh go at this ol' wheel of life. 

Take care, remember to be good to one another and to always keep the music alive. And sometimes even the heartache.  

Why It's Christmas Day, Sir!

 What day is this? 

Why it's Christmas Day, sir! 

I'm gonna let some You Tube clips do the heavy lifting.

First up is "Linus and Lucy" from the classic TV special, "A Charlie Brown Christmas". 

What makes this performance extraordinary is Jerry Granelli. He is best known for playing drums on the soundtrack A Charlie Brown Christmas with the Vince Guaraldi Trio.

At 80 years old, Jerry Granelli is still performing, still a master behind the drum kit. The clip below I believe is from 6 years ago. 

NBC and Saturday Night Live can be a bit unpredictable about how long clips will stay up but hopefully this one is still live. 

From the December 19th episode hosted by Kristen Wiig, here's a family Christmas morning that may have looked like the one you endured this morning. 

My wife Andrea had more than one present under the tree, thank you very much.  

But yes, there were presents for the dog. 

'Cause Rosie is a good dog.

Yes, Rosie! It is Christmas! You're such a good dog!  

No, Rosie! Christmas is not food! Although food is involved.

You're still such a good dog! Yes, you are! Such a good dog! 

The Christmas carol that annoys me the most is "Carol of the Bells" but I'm always up for a good parody. Here is the Holderness Family with "Karen of the Bells". 

Let's wrap this up with a video from 2009, a Doctor Who themed BBC Holiday Identification clip featuring David Tennent as the Doctor. 

That is that for today.

Whoops! One more thing! Here's some comic book stuff! It's the last page of a 1970s Justice League Christmas story by Wein, Dillin & Giordano. 

OK, now that is that for....

NOPE! Not quite! One last time this holiday season, we're putting the sexy back into Christmas. Today, it's the original Daisy Duke herself, Catherine Bach! 

And NOW we're done! 

I hope you stay safe, find happiness where you can  and remember above all else to be good to one another.

Cinema Christmas Eve: Every Hallmark Christmas Movie

 Hi there and welcome to Cinema Sunday! 

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! 

No? 

No! It is NOT Sunday! 

No?

No! It is Thursday! And specifically it's Christmas Eve! 

OK! Load up the NOT hastily assembled graphic for Cinema Christmas Eve! 

OK, I said to to load up the NOT hastily assembled graphic for Cinema Christmas Eve! 

Well...

Sigh!

That's how it is, huh? 

So tomorrow is Christmas and maybe it snuck up on you because 2020 has beat the crap out of all hope and joy you might have ever felt. 

Maybe, just maybe you can jump start that ol' Christmas spirit with some good ol' Christmas movies! 

So get yourself a big ol' bad of of popcorn and cuddle up under a cozy blanket on the couch and boot up the Hallmark channel to get into the Christmas mood! 

Jingle Bell Bride

Christmas Tree Lane

Chateau Christmas

Oh my God! Why are all these women blonde?!?! 

Deliver by Christmas

One Royal Holiday

Cranberry Christmas

Could it be the same blonde woman is in ALL of these? 

On the 12th Date of Christmas

Holly & Ivy

Never Kiss a Man in a Christmas Sweater

Is the Hallmark channel racist? There are no people of color!  

The Christmas Ring

Christmas with the Darlings

The Christmas Bow

Hey! The blonde woman has a sassy black friend!! 

Meet Me at Christmas

A Timeless Christmas

The Christmas Doctor

Is the guy working at the vintage gift store gay? Probably not!

A Nashville Christmas Carol

The Angel Tree

The Christmas House

How many more of these are there? 

A Godwink Christmas: First Loves, Second Chances

Heart of the Holidays

A Christmas Tree Grows in Colorado

Please, please, for the love of God, how many are there?  

Good Morning Christmas

Christmas By Starlight

Five Star Christmas

I swear it is the SAME blonde woman!  

Christmas Waltz

USS Christmas

If I Only Had Christmas

Save Christmas and kiss already!! C'mon! You know the drill!

Christmas in Evergreen: Bells Are Ringing

A Little Christmas Charm

Christmas She Wrote

All of these are set in the same small town!!!! 

Time for Us to Come Home for Christmas

Cross Country Christmas

A Glenbrooke Christmas

I think these movies are killing my Christmas spirit!  

Christmas Comes Twice

The Key to Christmas

Christmas Carousel

You know what these Christmas movies need? More murder!  

Swept Up by Christmas

Project Christmas Wish

Love, Lights, and Hanukkah!

We now have Jews and the woman is still blonde?!?! 

OK, that is a lot of movies to get through in a short period of time without permanently making your tailbone numb and driving you totally insane. 

So if these links are still working, let's save you some trouble. 

From the Holderness Family, it's Every Hallmark Christmas Movie in one short video! 

Enjoy! 

 And if you want the experience of watching multiple Hallmark Christmas Movies, well, here is another one from the Holderness* family,  a second Every Hallmark Christmas Movie in one short video. 

I hope the Holderness* family was able to help you find some Christmas joy. Or at least a laugh or two.

Until next time, remember to stay safe and remember to be good to one another. 

Let's close out with some Christmas music! 

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_____________________ 

For this week's Christmas themed posts, I'm bringing sexy back to the yuletide season. 

Sending us off on our way once more is Bewitched star Elizabeth Montgomery. 

Bye, y'all!!

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*Thanks to the Holderness family for their clever videos. More of their work can be found in the following online forums.  

Facebook: http://bit.ly/2BZaxFl
Instagram: http://bit.ly/2Uky4Ie
Twitter: http://bit.ly/2NExDWH

Enjoy! 

SPAM! And Sexy Christmas!

Spam gets a bad rap. 

It comes in a can in a gelatinous goo, made of stuff that may or may not be pork related. 

When I was a kid, Spam was part of our meal time menu. My mom was a very good cook and her spam tasted just fine to me. She would pair it up with pork & beans, mac & cheese and her own special recipe fried corned bread. 

Yes, heart disease does run rampant on my side of the family. Why do you ask? 

Anyway, we ate Spam because we were poor but I didn't care. I rather enjoyed Spam. Occasionally when we had some extra spare change for a real ham, my childhood taste buds were more amenable to Spam. 

My wife Andrea does not have such fond recollections of Spam and is pretty much against us having it in our house.

But the commercials on TV make Spam look so inviting.  

Pink hued rectangular slabs of meat like substance gently frying in a pan. It gives me a hankering for Spam.

However, I have a different reaction to this Spam based concoction. 

What you're looking at is a sandwich. 

Fried spam.
Oreo cookie crumbles.
Mayonnaise.
On a sesame seed bun. 

This sandwich is available from McDonald's. 
In China.
On Mondays. 

This is a premium limited edition product. 

Let's look at the details of this culinary monstrosity. 

Fried spam.
    I like Spam! 
Oreo cookie crumbles.
    I like Oreos. I like Oreo cookie crumbles on things.
Mayonnaise.
    I will put mayonnaise on almost anything. 
Sesame seed bun. 
    A soft warm sesame seed bun is a favorite type of bun to         make a sandwich out of it. 

On paper, I should want this sandwich. 

But my nostalgia for Spam will only take me so far. 

McDonald’s plans to sell no more than 400,000 of this sandwich in China which seems a bit on the high side. 

A person identified as Feifei Mao Enthusiast on the Sina Weibo microblog service had this to say: “I thought it was delicious! Is that because I love McDonald’s too deeply? Or is something wrong with my taste?”

Another commenter on Sina Weibo described this sandwich has something to serve when you have to have dinner with someone you hate. 

By the way, why do we call unwanted e-mails Spam? Here's a video to explain why.

Christmas is coming up and I need to work our what we're having for dinner. Perhaps something involving... SPAM! 

Speaking of Christmas, let's get our minds off Spam and unto some holiday cheer with the Surfagettes! 

And if the Surfagettes were not enough, let's put some more sexy back into Christmas with Miley Cyrus...

And the Radio City Rockettes! 

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I'll take a look at that most Christmasy of institutions, Hallmark Holiday Movies! 

Until next time, remember to be good to one another, stay safe, keep it sexy and enjoy some nice delicious...

Tuesday TV Touchbase: Christmas Classics with Peanuts, the Grinch and Garfield

 

Christmas is coming up in a few days so I thought I would for this weeks Tuesday TV Touchbase take a look at three of my favorite holiday TV specials 

A Charlie Brown Christmas 

Let's face it: Christmas can be depressing. And this Peanuts special puts that seasonal depression front and center. 

Christmas is supposed to be filled with joy but Charlie Brown just ain't feeling it. The season's propensity for garish decorative displays and super charged commercialism mean shit to ol' Chuck. His plaintive cry of "Can anyone tell me what Christmas is all about?" resonates with anyone who has Christmas thrust upon them and told to "enjoy the hoilidays, dammit, or else".  

Linus calm and subdued recitation of the birth of Jesus Christ is a bold move, an extended sequence with no jokes, no commentary, no music. Just Linus standing alone on a stage reciting a passage from the Bible. It is a fervent and potent reminder that Christmas can be, indeed has to be more than glitz and spectacle, more than just how much stuff we can get.

The soundtrack for A Charlie Brown Christmas is noteworthy for it's use of jazz with now iconic contributions by the Vince Guaraldi Trio. I've imbedded my favorite song, "Linus and Lucy". 

How the Grinch Stole Christmas 

Many efforts have been made to bring the wonder of the Dr. Suess classic to life in movies and on stage. Most of those efforts have not been well received. Mostly because the original half hour animated special directed by Chuck Jones  is just about perfect. 

Chuck Jones is in my opinion the absolute best of the Warner Brother stable of animators during the heydey of Looney Toons.  The expressiveness of characters in the cartoons of Chuck Jones was a wonder to behold and that expressiveness works wonders in How the Grinch Stole  Christmas as well. 

The narration of Boris Karloff is inspired, in turns droll and sinister and warm. The distinctiveness of Karloff's voice elevates the proceedings from a mere children's cartoon. 

While side stepping the overt Christian themes of the Peanuts special, How the Grinch Stole  Christmas also embraces of theme that Christmas is something more than spectacle and commercialism.  

A Garfield Christmas Special

This 1987 animated television special based on the Garfield comic strip is not a perennial favorite like the Charlie Brown and Grinch specials but it is one that I fondly recall. 

Garfield, being the self absorbed glutton that he his, is focused on getting as much stuff as possible while enjoying the creature comforts of home.

So naturally. Jon Arbuckle drags a very grump Garfield to the family farm for Christmas. 

There's a great musical number that goes: 
"It's a good old-fashioned Christmas down on the farm!
A little over-eatin' never did you no harm!" 

That snippet of music has been stuck in my head for years.

And there's this great bit. The Arbuckle family have gone to bed on Christmas Eve. 15 minutes after midnight, the very much adult Jon and his also adult brother Doc Boy go into their parents room, proclaiming that it's Christmas morning and it's time to open presents. Their very irritated father tells them to go back to bed and wait until morning. 

Jon and Doc Boy begrudgingly return to their rooms still debating the point.

Doc Boy: "Technically it is Christmas morning you know!"
Jon: "Well, I know that and you know that...." 

This is the same logic that my daughter Randie has been pulling on her mother and I for years. 

There is a particularly poignant arc as Garfield winds up developing a special bond with Jon's Grandma.  Grandma tells Garfield about her beloved and deceased husband, whom she especially misses at Christmas. 

Garfield's discovery of long lost letters from Grandma's husband is a very sweet moment.  

_____________________

Next week is the last Tuesday TV Touchbase for 2020. With the end of the year, I will take a look at the end of two seasons,  the 2nd season finale of The Mandolorian and the end of the 4th season of The Crown.

Until next time, remember to be good to one another and try to keep it down, will ya? I'm trying to watch TV here!

_____________________ 

For this week's Christmas themed posts, I'm bringing sexy back to the yuletide season. 

Sending us off on our way is Bewitched star Elizabeth Montgomery. 

'Bye! 

Doctor Who Fan Fiction: The Forest of the Damned

Hi there! Today on I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, I'm posting something I haven't written in about 3 years, a Doctor Who fan fiction. 

A couple of notes up front: 

1) My preferred method of writing fan fiction is the form of a script and not as a prose story. 

2) This particular episode takes place after the Spyfall two parter in Series 12 but before Fugitive of the Judoon.

3) While I try to hew to the established continuity of whatever season I writing in, this is purely a work of fan fiction and has no bearing on Doctor Who canon. 

OK, let's get this show started. 

Scene opens

The wild swirling energy of the Time Vortex but more chaotic than usual. Blue lightning sparks through the vortex and around a tumbling object, the TARDIS. 

Interior, TARDIS console room

The Doctor, Yasmin, Graham and Ryan are being tossed all about as the TARDIS rattles and turns, the blue lightning sparking all around the console.

YASMIN: Doctor! 

GRAHAM: I'm getting a bit sea sick, Doc! 

DOCTOR: Hold on! Hold on! 

The Doctor scrambles to the console and frantically works the controls. 

RYAN: What's going on? 

DOCTOR: The TARDIS hit a Charged Vacuum Emboitment in the time vortex! The TARDIS is out of control! 

The Doctor continues to quickly manipulate controls. 

DOCTOR: Think, Doctor! Think! C'mon! I need both brains working on this! 

RYAN: Wait! Both...? 

The Doctor snaps her fingers.

DOCTOR:  Ah ha! I got it! 

While the TARDIS continues to shake and sputter while Yasmin, Graham and Ryan are being tossed around, the Doctor turns to them and smiles. 

DOCTOR: Hi, fam! I've thought of a fun group activity we can do! 

GRAHAM: Does it involve us not being tossed around like a load of laundry in a washing machine? 

DOCTOR: Yes, Graham, it does! Or we might die! 

YASMIN: Wait! What? 

The Doctor scrunches her face.  

DOCTOR: Could go either way! C'mon, fam! I need you to get to the console. 

Yasmin, Graham and Ryan stagger to the console. As the following discussion ensues, the TARDIS continues to be unstable with sparks flying everywhere. 

DOCTOR: Do you remember what I said about touching the TARDIS controls? 

RYAN: Er, not to?

DOCTOR: Exactly, Ryan! Good lad! Well, today that is going to change!  

YASMIN: Wow! We're going to fly the TARDIS?

DOCTOR: Yes! Or no, depending on how this works! 

GRAHAM: I'm not feeling good about this, Doc! 

RYAN: That's what you get for eating that egg salad before we left Earth! 

GRAHAM: Not now, Ryan!

DOCTOR: Two things. One: You can never be too careful when it comes to egg salad, Graham! 

GRAHAM: That's the first thing?

DOCTOR: And two: I need you three to do exactly what I tell you when I tell you, got it?

YASMIN: We're ready, Doctor! 

DOCTOR: Thanks, Yaz! You see the lever on the 3rd panel to your left. 

YASMIN: Hmm! Yes! 

DOCTOR: When I tell you to and only when I tell you to, twist it! Graham?

GRAHAM: Yeah, Doc! 

DOCTOR: There is a big red button on the panel in front of you, yeah? 

GRAHAM: Big as day, Doc!

DOCTOR: When I tell you to and only when I tell you to, bop it!  

GRAHAM: Bop it? 

DOCTOR: Yes, bop it!  Ryan? 

RYAN: Yeah! 

DOCTOR: To the right, next to the yellow flashing light is a blue button! Got it?

RYAN: Got it! 

DOCTOR: When I tell you to and only when I tell you to, press it!  

YASMIN: What about you, Doctor? 

DOCTOR: Oh, I'll be handling the other 837 switches, buttons and levers! But what I do will not work if you do not twist, bop and press when I tell you to and in the order I tell you, understood?

YASMIN (managing a slight smile): Understood! 

GRAHAM (grimacing): Feeling no stress here, Doc! 

RYAN (he looks worried as hell): 'Cause I got all the stress over here! 

DOCTOR: Lets go fam! It's do or die time! 

As the Doctor rushes around the console, quickly working a plethora of controls, she yells out orders to the fam for their respective tasks.

DOCTOR: Bop! Twist! Twist! Press! Bop! Press! Bop!  Twist! Press! Bop! Press! Press! Twist! Bop! Press! 

As the Doctor and her fam proceed, the TARDIS shakes less, the sparks begin to reduce and the time rotor is starting to work more smoothly. Ryan never lets up in his intense focus to press the button accurately. Graham has a bemused expression like this isn't the silliest thing he's ever done with the Doctor but it's close. Yasmin has a broad smile like this is the most fun she's ever had. 

_______________________

Scene change

The TARDIS materializes in the corner of a lush green city park. The normal sound of the TARDIS is a bit off as it comes into view.

V-V-V-VWORP-P-P! V-V-V-VWORP-P-P! V-V-V-VWORP-P-P! VWORP! THUNK! 

DOCTOR (exiting): Result! 

RYAN: We're back home... I think! It's Earth, right? 

GRAHAM: Way to go, Doc! 

YASMIN: Never doubted you for a second, Doctor! 

The Doctor touches the side of the box, looking concerned.

DOCTOR: You went through quite a wobble, eh, girl? 

YASMIN: Is the TARDIS going to be OK? 

DOCTOR (walking around the box): Probably! A collision with a Charged Vacuum Emboitment can really mess up a TARDIS!

RYAN:  Hold on! This isn't Sheffield! 

DOCTOR: Still, I think the TARDIS will be fine with a bit of a recharge.

GRAHAM: You're right, Ryan! We're in Cardiff! 

DOCTOR:  Which is why we're in Cardiff! 

YASMIN: Why Cardiff? 

DOCTOR: There's an interdimensional rift running right through the middle of  Cardiff. I sealed the rift back in 1869 but the scar from the rift still generates energy. 

GRAHAM: I don't think they mention that in the travel brochures, Doc! 

RYAN: Does Cardiff have travel brochures? 

Yasmin punches Ryan in the arm. 

DOCTOR: The energy is invisible to human eyes and detection devices. Completely harmless to people but perfect  to recharge the TARDIS. 

 RYAN: What do we do now? 

DOCTOR: Best let the TARDIS rest awhile, absorb some rift energy and she'll be right as rain. So maybe just wander off, relax a bit.

In the back ground, Yasmin looks a bit distracted. The four began walking away from the TARDIS. 

RYAN: Is it OK to leave the TARDIS like this? 

DOCTOR: Perfectly fine. 

GRAHAM: Strange blue box in a city park? 

DOCTOR: Do you know how most humans perceive something strange? They ignore it! Just walk on by.

RYAN: So what are we going to do in Cardiff? 

GRAHAM: Maybe sight see a bit. 

RYAN: It's just Cardiff. 

GRAHAM: Hey, I've never been to Cardiff before! 

Yasmin continues to be distracted, looking at down at her hands. Which have a faint blue glow about them. 

YASMIN (whispers): Why are my hands blue? 

RYAN: 'Fore he ran off, me dad brought me here when I was little. I was not impressed.

GRAHAM: Maybe we can grab a bite to eat?

RYAN: What? You were about to toss your lunch a few moments ago?

GRAHAM: That was then. Now is now and I'm feeling....

DOCTOR: Yaz? 

Yasmin has stopped walking with the group. Her shoulders are hunched over with her back turned.  

GRAHAM: Peckish...eh, what? 

The Doctor, Ryan and Graham turn to walk back to where Yasmin is standing. Her head is lowered and her body is quivering.

DOCTOR: Yaz! What's wrong?

YASMIN: N--n--nothing....

Yasmin raises her head and turns. The faint blue glow around her hands has travelled to her face. The faint blue light gives her a deathly pallor. 

YASMIN: Nothing is wrong... Doctor! 

The Doctor pulls out her sonic and starts scanning. Yasmin's expression becomes harsh, hostile, menacing. 

RYAN: Yasmin!!!

GRAHAM: Doc! What's going on? 

DOCTOR: Something... strange! 

GRAHAM: We can see that, Doc! 

DOCTOR: Hush, Graham! I working on this! 

YASMIN: Why, Doctor, do you put up with them! 

RYAN: That glow! It's like that energy we saw earlier in the TARDIS! 

DOCTOR: Yeah, I kind of noticed that, Ryan! 

GRAHAM: That can't be a coincidence, can it? 

YASMIN: Don't be stupid! Of course, it's not a coincidence. So obvious, really!  

Bright blue energy sparks about her. Yasmin's features are a bit out of focus.  

RYAN: Yaz! What the hell....? 

GRAHAM: Doc! Something's happening to Yaz! 

YASMIN: (sarcastically) "Something's happening to Yaz!" Oh, you humans are so dim! 

The Doctor pushes forward in front of Ryan and Graham, her sonic at the ready, scanning. 

DOCTOR: Ryan, Graham, stay back! 

RYAN: But Doctor! Something's wrong with Yaz! 

YASMIN: Nothing is wrong with Yaz! She's just a tool I'm using! 

DOCTOR: Whoever you are, stop what you're doing! Leave Yaz alone NOW! 

YASMIN: "Whoever?" Oh, Doctor! Are you really that stupid? 

The Doctor's eyes are wide with a growing realization. 

DOCTOR: No! Stop now! 

YASMIN: Oh, the slow dawn of knowledge finally creeps across your pitiful brain. Who else would use this hapless human fool as a receiver? Who else could engineer such a complicated biological swap across dimensions?

The glow around Yasmin grows brighter and it hurts.  

YASMIN: Arrrrgghhh! Doctor! Help! I can feel... I can... it hurts... he's trying....

DOCTOR: Yasmin!!!

YASMIN: No,  NOT Yasmin Kahn! This...

Yasmin shifts appearance to the Master.

MASTER: ...space...

YASMIN: ...ARRGGHH!...is....

MASTER: TAKEN!!!!!

The Master shakes his head and stretches.

MASTER: WHOOOAAA!!! What a rush! 

DOCTOR (dejected): No. 

RYAN: What the hell? 

GRAHAM: The Master. 

MASTER: The one and only and I am BACK, baby! Boo-yah!  

Ryan starts to lunge at the Master but Graham holds him back and the Doctor stands in his way. 

RYAN: What did you do to Yaz? Where is she? 

MASTER: Yasmin and I swapped places. She is merely where I was. 

RYAN: If you've hurt her....

MASTER: Hush! Yasmin Kahn is perfectly safe....

The Master grins wickedly.

MASTER: ...ish! 

DOCTOR: NO! 

MASTER: Doctor, really? I'm back and you have no say.

The sharp trilling of the Doctor's sonic screwdriver changes tone and the Master flinches as if in pain.

MASTER: ARGH! Doctor! What are you...? 

DOCTOR: It's an oldie but a goodie! I'm reversing the polarity!!

MASTER: You... can't...

DOCTOR: Oh yes I can! I'm bringing back Yasmin Kahn RIGHT NOW!!! 

MASTER: Noooo!!!!

The blue glow returns and envelopes the Master. 

MASTER: I am...the Master! You.... can't....

The Master shifts form back to Yaz for a split second. 

YASMIN (frantic, reaching out): Doctor! Please!!!

Back to the Master

MASTER: Can't... make me...  I will...   ARRGGGHHHH!!! 

The blue glow is completely blinding and when it finally abates, the Master is gone but Yasmin has not returned. 

RYAN: What.... Where'd he go? 

GRAHAM: Doc? 

RYAN: Doctor, where's Yaz? 

The Doctor stands in place, the sonic in her hand. She looks stunned, maybe even a bit horrified.

DOCTOR (very quietly to herself): Yaz? I'm... sorry....

_______________________

Scene change: 

YASMIN (close up in a blue light, screaming): NOOOOOO!!!!

We pull out further to see Yaz is standing but a bit staggered. She is somewhere dark as the blue light dims a bit. 

YASMIN: Wha...? Whoa! Wh...where am... uh oh...

Yaz looks up and around to see she is surrounded by giant stalks that snake their way into the darkness above her. The stalks curve and undulate like giant undersea kelp surrounded by strange lights while glowing bursts of light travel along the stalks.  

Yaz is in the ethereal dimension of the Kasaavin where she was zapped to in Spyfall Part 1.  

YASMIN: Bloody hell! Not this place again.  

Catching her breath, Yaz moves slowly between the stalks.

YASMIN: How did I get here? And why? Good questions, PC Kahn. 

Suddenly Yaz hears a low level whispering sound.  

YASMIN: (echoing) Hello? Is someone there? 

Little slivers of light travel down the stalks as the whispering grows louder. Yasmin's resolve is shaken a bit. 

YASMIN: No. Don't.  

Among the stalks, Yaz sees the outline of a bright humanoid figure. 

YASMIN: Who... who are you?

KASAAVIN (whispers louder, more distinct): We are the Kasaavin. 

YASMIN: Yeah! You lot! What do you want? 

KASAAVIN: So many questions. It seems almost intelligent. 

YASMIN: I'll show you "almost intelligent". 

KASAAVIN: Belligerent. Hostile. What is it? 

YASMIN: Send me back! I demand you send me back to Earth now! 

KASAAVIN: Perhaps it is... food? 

The lights travelling along the stalks and the bright humanoid figure become brighter as the figure advances on Yasmin.

YASMIN: No! I am not food! 

Yasmin plants her feet firmly with her fists raised, ready to right. 

KASAAVIN: The food is defiant! 

YASMIN: Stay back! NO! 

MASTER (from off screen): The lady is not on the menu!!

The Master steps into view with a device in hand that shoots out a beam of light. The bright humanoid figure recoils.

KASAAVIN: The betrayer! 

MASTER: It's "the Master" and Yasmin Kahn is not food.

The figure and the lights in the stalks recede as the Master turns to face Yaz with a broad wicked smile. He licks his lips.

MASTER: At least... not yet! 

_______________________

Scene change  

Back to the park in Cardiff where the Doctor is frantically scanning the empty air with her sonic screwdriver where both Yasmin and the Master disappeared. Graham and Ryan watch with extreme worry.

RYAN: What the hell happened? Where is Yaz 

GRAHAM: And the Master? What's he doing, Doc?  

DOCTOR: Sorry! So sorry! No answers! Just questions! 

RYAN: We need to do something, yeah? Find Yaz and get her back! 

GRAHAM: Ryan, son. Give the Doc a chance, OK? 

RYAN: But we...  we weren't fightin' nobody, right? No alien menace or nothing. Just some mates out for a walk, going to dinner and then... all this?!?

GRAHAM: It's got me mind all wobbly too, Ryan. 

RYAN: Can't we... just once... have a normal life? Doctor, where is Yaz? 

DOCTOR: I'm going to guess in another dimension. The readings from the sonic are scrambled but something the Master said, "a biological swap across dimensions". 

GRAHAM: What does that mean, Doc? 

DOCTOR: It's a trick I once used before myself, to transport across interstellar space, switching places, one body for another. 

GRAHAM: So what happened to the Master? 

DOCTOR: I'm not sure. I reversed the polarity of whatever energy the Master used to make the swap happen. 

GRAHAM: And bring Yaz back, right, Doc?

DOCTOR: Right, Graham. Except....

RYAN: Yaz is not here.

DOCTOR: No. No she isn't. 

RYAN: Where is she then?

DOCTOR: I'm not sure.

RYAN: You're not sure?

DOCTOR: Working on it, Ryan. 

RYAN: Doctor?

GRAHAM:  Ryan, son, give the doc a chance to think, eh? 

The Doctor looks down for a moment, lost in thought. 

GRAHAM: Doc? 

DOCTOR: The Kasaavin. 

GRAHAM: The Kasaavin? 

DOCTOR: The other dimensional beings the Master was manipulating. 

RYAN: Yeah, they took the Master away, last we saw them.

GRAHAM: None too happy with the Master they were. 

DOCTOR: The Kasaavin took the Master to their own dimension. 

GRAHAM: The Master was escaping from the Kasaavin. 

DOCTOR: Exactly, Graham! 

RYAN: He swapped places with Yaz? 

DOCTOR: Makes sense. Yaz spent time in Kasaavin space. She would've retained some of the energy resonance of that dimension for the Master to lock on to. 

RYAN: Yasmin told me about that place. She was afraid, Doctor.

DOCTOR:  I know. 

RYAN: And because of you....

GRAHAM:  Steady, Ryan. 

RYAN: Because of you, she's stuck there with the Master! 

DOCTOR: Do you not think I already know that, Ryan Sinclair? 

RYAN: But do you care?

GRAHAM: Ryan, there's no call for that! 

RYAN: Graham, don't you... It's the way it always is, isn't it?

GRAHAM: Ryan! 

RYAN: Yaz is gone, missing, probably hurt, maybe...

The Doctor looks at Ryan. She doesn't like where this is going.

RYAN:  Who knows what's happened to Yaz!  But it's just another problem to you, isn't it?

GRAHAM: Ryan, you're out of line!  

DOCTOR: It is another problem for ME to solve! And I will solve it! Like I ALWAYS do!  I will save Yasmin Kahn and I will make the Master pay for what he's done! Am I clear?

GRAHAM: Very clear, doc. 

RYAN: Yeah. 

DOCTOR: And do NOT assume for a moment that I do not care. 

The Doctor takes out the sonic and begins scanning. She's not making eye contact with Ryan or Graham,

DOCTOR: It is Yaz, after all. 

_______________________

Scene change - the alien forest of the Kasaavin dimension. Yaz is pushing through the dark stalks as the Master follows. 

MASTER: C'mon, Yaz! 

YASMIN: Shut up! 

MASTER: Is it something I said? 

YASMIN: Go away! 

MASTER: Are you still mad that I tried to kill you and your friends in a plane crash? 

Yaz says nothing, just grunts with annoyance.

MASTER: Are you really going to hold that against me? Oh, it was all in good fun, right?

Yaz stops and turns to confront the Master. 

YASMIN: What the hell is wrong with you? 

The Master holds Yaz's gaze for a moment and then he calmly answers her. 

MASTER: As a child on Gallifrey, I saw the Untempered Schism, a gap in the fabric of reality where I could see the raw power of time and space. I went mad and it's been a fun ride ever since. Why? 

YASMIN (exasperated): You know, I don't care. 

Yaz turns to resume walking away from the Master. 

MASTER: Well, that's just rude! I opened up to you! I thought we had a moment there! You and me? Yaz? Yaz! Wait up! 

YASMIN: I want to get out of here! 

MASTER:  You're not going to find the exit that way. I cobbled together what tech I had on my person when the Kasaavin brought me here. A negative resonator to keep the Kasaavin at bay. They seem to think I'm food.

YASMIN: So I noticed. 

MASTER: And a dimensional transponder to swap places with you so I could finally get out of here.

YASMIN: What are you doing back here? 

MASTER:  Your precious Doctor, of course! 

Yaz stops and confronts the Master.

YASMIN: What about the Doctor? 

MASTER:  Oh, she used that silly sonic toy of her's to reverse my polarity and send me back. And I presume she thought it might reverse the whole effect and bring you back but... Whoopsie! 

YASMIN: The Doctor will get me out of here.

Yas resumes walking away. 

MASTER: Don't be daft!

YASMIN: I trust the Doctor!

MASTER: Trust? The Doctor? HA! You're not the first person to make that mistake! 

Yas keeps walking away. 

MASTER:  I already told you you're not going to find an exit. 

YASMIN: I can still walk away from you! 

MASTER:  What the hell is wrong with you? 

Yaz stops. 

YASMIN: What?!?

MASTER:  You asked me. It seems only fair that I ask you too.

YASMIN: There's nothing wrong with me. 

MASTER:  Of course there is. There's a little bit wrong with everybody. And that is especially true for the Doctor's pets. 

YASMIN: Pets? 

MASTER:  OK, "pets" is a little too on the nose. I believe the term is "assistants", I think? Or "companions"? 

YASMIN: The Doctor says we're her fam. 

MASTER:  "Fam"? Really? Are you kidding me? As in family? Well, that is quite the audacious twist on a very old lie. 

YASMIN: Lie? 

MASTER:  Oh dear. As if the relationship between the Doctor and those pathetic humans who follow her about in that rickety old TARDIS is nothing more than transactional. 

In a huff, Yaz turns and resumes walking away from the Master.

MASTER:  You are just the Doctor's cannon fodder! 

YASMIN: Go away! 

MASTER:  Why should I when I think this is just now getting interesting. 

YASMIN: Shut up! 

MASTER:  I've struck a nerve, haven't I? This Doctor that you follow around. How little do you truly know about her. Do you really know how the Doctor feels about you? 

Yaz keeps walking. 

MASTER:  Here's a better question: How do you really feel about the Doctor? 

Yaz stops.

YASMIN: How I feel about the Doctor is none of your damn business. 

MASTER:  But fraught with such potential for amusement, don't you think? 

Yaz stays still. 

MASTER:  You're not the first, you know. 

YASMIN: I know others have travelled with the Doctor. 

MASTER:  That's not what I'm talking about. 

Yaz says nothing. 

MASTER:  You're not the first to be in love with the Doctor. 

Yaz faces the Master, glaring angrily at him.

YASMIN: What the hell are you prattling on about now? 

MASTER:  You're in love with the Doctor! 

YASMIN: Shut up! 

MASTER:  You luuuuuuuuuuuuuuv her! 

Yaz advances on the Master

YASMIN: I said shut up!! 

MASTER (sing song): Yasmin loves the Doctor! Yasmin loves the Doctor! Yasmin--

Yaz winds up and punches the Master in the face.

MASTER: WHOA! Li'l Yasmin Kahn has claws! Who would of thunk it? 

YASMIN: Why won't you just stop talking?

MASTER: Struck a nerve, eh,Yaz? 

YASMIN: Just shut up! 

MASTER: NO! You shut up! And LISTEN! 

The Master is moving from nuisance to menacing. His voice is lower, sounding more sinister. 

MASTER: The Doctor is so inferior to me in so many ways but she is still a Time Lord! Far above and beyond the petty emotional foibles of mere humans.

Yasmin swings to strike at the Master again but the Master grabs her wrist and gives it a twist as Yaz falls to her knees in pain.

YASMIN: Arrgh! No!

MASTER: It's like loving the stars themselves, isn't it? Do you expect a sunset to admire you back? 

Yaz groans in pain as the Master continues to twist her wrist and her forearm, forcing her to the ground as he continues to snarl in her face. 

MASTER: You are useful to the Doctor! Oh the Doctor may be stupid and sentimental...

YASMIN: The Doctor... cares...  about us...

MASTER: But love? The Doctor has no concept! She is a Time Lord! In ways she cannot yet comprehend, the ultimate Time Lord! A Time Lord has no more affection for a human than a carpenter has for a hammer! 

YASMIN: The Doctor... cares...  about... me...

The Master lets go of Yaz's wrist and roughly grabs her arm as he drags her to her feet! 

MASTER: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

The Master shoves Yaz away as she stumbles into the forest.

MASTER: Hie thee to a nunnery, harlot! You are unwanted, unworthy and unloved!!! Your precious Doctor will not save you!!! You will die here, Yasmin Kahn! DIE!!!!

The Master's mocking laughter echoing in her ears, Yaz stumbles through the alien forest, caught up in her anger and fear. She slows down a bit to catch her breath. 

YASMIN: No, Yaz! Just... stop. 

As her breathing settles down, Yaz straightens up.

YASMIN: The Master is just.... another bully. Another bully trying to hurt me for being... who I am. 

Yaz looks around her at the dark twisting stalks of the alien forest. She may still be scared but she is summoning up more courage and confidence. 

YASMIN: I may die here! But I will not be bullied out being who I am. 

Suddenly there is a haunting whisper.

VOICE (FX): Who... are you? 

Abruptly the curved stalks began to glow again as bursts of light travel along the stalks. In a flash, the bright humanoid figure reappears. Yaz reflexively lets out a shriek.  

KASAAVIN: You are... not food? 

YASMIN: No, I am NOT food! 

KASAAVIN: Then who... are you?

YASMIN: I... I'm Yaz. Yasmin Kahn. 

Yaz clears her throat, straightens up a bit.

YASMIN: PC Yasmin Kahn, Sheffield Police. 

KASAAVIN: You are... not like... the other. 

YASMIN: No. Most definitely not. No! 

What appears to be a hand extends from the glowing humanoid.

YASMIN: Wh.. what are you...? 

KASAAVIN: Do... 

The hand touches lightly upon Yaz's forehead. 

KASAAVIN: ... not be afaid.

Yasmin's eyes grow wide in the incandescent glow.

YASMIN: Doctor? 

The light from the glowing humanoid totally envelopes Yaz. 

The Master comes strolling through the forest.

MASTER: Oh, Yaz! Poor, poor, pitiful Yaz! So full of the delusions of love and self-worth only to become lunch in an alien forest.

The Master cocks his head to one side and smiles. 

MASTER: Some times when things become desperate, it may be necessary to eat the family... pet...

Yaz stands in the Kasaavin's blinding glow. 

YASMIN: Do you not get tired of always being wrong? 

MASTER (takes a step back): What? 

YASMIN: Yeah, what you're experiencing is that slow dawn of knowledge finally creepin' across your pitiful brain. 

MASTER: What is going on here? 

YASMIN: It's just your basic biological swap across dimensions! 

The glow around Yasmin grows brighter.  

MASTER: No, no, no, no, no! You can't be doing this! 

YASMIN: Are you scared, "Master"? She's comin'! 

MASTER: NO! 

YASMIN: She's practically here! 

Yasmin shifts appearance to the Doctor

MASTER: The Doctor! 

DOCTOR: One and only! 

The Doctor strides purposefully towards the Master. She shoves him against one of the alien stalks. Her left forearm is pressed firm against his neck. The fingers of her right hand are pressing on a spot on his shoulder. 

MASTER (wheezing): No! Listen! you...

DOCTOR: Shut up! Venusian akido is keeping your nervous system paralyzed while I decide what I should do with you!

MASTER: What? Should I be frightened? Of you? It's not like you're going to kill me!

DOCTOR: Don't push me!

MASTER: You... you have rules! 

DOCTOR: Rules? Don't you DARE talk to me about rules!!!

The Doctor pushes a little harder on the Master's throat.

DOCTOR: You murdered Gallifrey! 

MASTER: If you know... what they did....

DOCTOR: I... don't....care!!!

MASTER (gurgling): Really... hard to... breathe...

DOCTOR: Then what you did to Yaz! 

MASTER: Surely... we can discuss... 

Then the Doctor begins to glow. She releases her hold on the Master and shoves him to the ground. 

DOCTOR: I reversed engineered what you got wrong with your attempt at a biological swap.  I turned your bug into my feature.

The glow around the Doctor becomes brighter as the Master staggers to his feet. 

MASTER: No! You can't... leave me...

DOCTOR: I'm going back to make sure Yaz is OK. Then I will be back to make sure you pay for what you did to Gallifrey. 

MASTER: Doctor! 

DOCTOR: And to Yaz! 

Suddenly the alien stalks are ablaze with light as several glowing humanoid figures emerge from the forest. 

DOCTOR: Assuming, of course, you survive. 

MASTER: Doctor! NOOOO! 

DOCTOR: Sorry! Must dash! 

And with that, the Doctor vanishes. The glowing humanoid figures advance on the panicked Master. 

KASAAVIN: Are you... food? 

_______________________

Scene change

A nice little bistro in Cardiff. Ryan and Graham are sitting at a table. Ryan is idly picking at his chips while Graham is carving into a steak. 

RYAN: How are you always so hungry? 

GRAHAM: Making up for lost time maybe? When I had cancer, the chemo wrecked my appetite. It was all Grace could do to get me to eat anything. When the cancer went into remission, I guess my appetite for all those missed meals came roaring back.

RYAN: I don't think that's how that works. 

GRAHAM: Maybe not but it makes sense to me so I'm sticking with it. Speaking of appetites, you should stop playing with your food. 

RYAN: I'm not hungry.  

GRAHAM: Ryan, son, when all that stuff was happening with Yaz...

RYAN: I know. Lost me temper, I know. I'm sorry.  

GRAHAM: Well, there was a lot of stress. About Yaz and all. But what you said. Are you... reconsidering travelling with the Doctor?

RYAN: No. Not really. I mean, after what happened with the Master and the VOR corporation, it made me start to think. What do we really know about the Doctor? 

GRAHAM: She's opened up. Well, a little. 

RYAN: There are times she's like just the best mate you can have. Then there are times when you remember she...

GRAHAM: Has two brains?

RYAN: She's not human!

GRAHAM: Is that the only thing on your mind? Is it just the Doctor? 

RYAN: What are you getting at?  

GRAHAM: What about Yaz?

RYAN: What about her?

GRAHAM: You seemed especially worried that Yaz in particular was in danger. 

RYAN: We were mates in school together, years ago, when we were kids. 

GRAHAM: Do you have... I don't know, I'm not good at this... do you have feelings for her? 

RYAN: For Yaz? C'mon! 

GRAHAM:  Well, it makes sense. You two are close and you've been through a lot.

RYAN: Are doing some kind of matchmaking thing here? 

GRAHAM: Nah. Just curious about where your head is at is all.

RYAN: I like Yaz, OK? But not like that, you know? 

GRAHAM: I understand. 

RYAN: Besides, I think Yaz has her eyes elsewhere. 

GRAHAM: Oh, really? On who?

RYAN: Just... someone else. 

GRAHAM: Well, that doesn't answer my question. 

RYAN: You don't see it?  

GRAHAM: See what? 

RYAN: Never mind. Shouldn't have said anything...

GRAHAM: Hey, if you're not going to finish those chips...

And we pull back from the table and to outside the restaurant. Twilight is falling over Cardiff as our attention turns back to the park where the TARDIS is. 

_______________________

Outside in the fading glow of sunset sits the Doctor on a park bench in front of the TARDIS. Her eyes are closed and in her mind we see the ruins of Gallifrey and we hear the Master's voice.    

MASTER [voice]: I had to make them pay for what I discovered. They lied to us, the founding fathers of Gallifrey. Everything we were told was a lie. We are not who we think, you or I. The whole existence of our species built on the lie of the Timeless Child.

Yaz approaches and the Doctor opens her eyes.  

YASMIN: Ice cream? 

Yaz hands the Doctor an ice cream cone which she accepts as Yaz sits down next to her on the bench with her own ice cream cone. 

DOCTOR: Love me some ice cream. Hmm! This is delicious. What is it? 

YASMIN: Salted caramel. 

DOCTOR: Salt and sweet in a frozen concoction? Wow!! Earth is just the most amazing planet! 

YASMIN: Glad you like it, Doctor. 

DOCTOR: You know me so well, Yaz. 

YASMIN: Yeah.  

DOCTOR: You feeling OK? 

YASMIN: I feel... fine. Well,ish. I feel a little disoriented and I still see things shifting to blue out of the corner of my eye.  

DOCTOR: By tomorrow morning, your body will be acclimated to this dimension again. You'll be fine. 

YASMIN: Good.  

DOCTOR: I popped back into the Kasaavin dimension.

YASMIN: And...?

DOCTOR: The Master is gone.

YASMIN: The Kasaavin have him for dinner?

DOCTOR: Knowing the Master, not bloody likely. I will find him, But first... ice cream! 

Yaz and the Doctor sit in silence for a moment, enjoying their ice cream. 

YASMIN: Doctor? 

DOCTOR: Yes? 

YASMIN: You said I know you so well... but...  I don't.  

DOCTOR: We've discussed... I told you and Ryan and Graham... about who I am...

YASMIN: Time Lord, born on Gallifrey. I know that.  

DOCTOR: What more do you-

YASMIN: How do you feel? 

DOCTOR: How do I feel? 

YASMIN: About us. 

DOCTOR: I'm not sure I follow...

(By the way, they are done with their ice cream) 

YASMIN: You call us your "fam" but we're not. Not really. Are we curiosities? Are we... pets?

DOCTOR: Pets? What did the Master say to you?

YASMIN: Nothing that I wasn't already worried about before. Doctor, I understand you're a Time Lord from another planet. But does that affect how you feel about us? Do you... care about us? 

DOCTOR: Funny. Ryan asked me the same thing while you were missing. Which means I have failed you... 

The Doctor stands up. Yaz follows as the Doctor starts to stroll throught the park.  

YASMIN: Failed, Doctor? 

DOCTOR: Look, you're right. Being a Time Lord does affect how I... interact with humans. It is a choice, ultimately. I do have feelings but I have to... control them. 

YASMIN: Why? 

DOCTOR: Because I'm over two thousand years old and I live in all of time and space. You can spend your whole lives with me but I cannot spend my whole life with you. 

YASMIN: I'm sorry. I didn't realize. 

DOCTOR: You didn't because you couldn't. I've had centuries of keeping my secrets and it's a very hard habit to break. 

YASMIN: I understand. 

DOCTOR: I need to do better.

YASMIN: But you do care about me. 

DOCTOR: About what? 

YASMIN: About us. 

DOCTOR: You said...

YASMIN: I know. Sorry. Slip of the tongue. 

DOCTOR: I see. 

Sunset has given way to night as the street lamps light up the park as the moon hangs full in the sky above Cardiff. The Doctor and Yaz continue to stroll through the park in silence, meandering towards the TARDIS.  

YASMIN: Doctor? 

DOCTOR: Yes, Yaz? 

YASMIN: I need to tell you something. 

DOCTOR: You don't....

YASMIN: I think I need to tell you something. 

DOCTOR: All right. 

YASMIN: Do you know how important you are to me? 

The Doctor says nothing, just nods but looks worried.

YASMIN: You are... so important to me. As a mentor... and a role model... as a... friend. 

Yaz swallows hard and takes a deep breath. 

YASMIN: Maybe...more...

DOCTOR: Yaz, I...

YASMIN: I'm sorry. This is stupid, the way I'm prattling on. And this is so stupid and.... nothing good is going to come from this.... but I think I.... what I mean to say is... And I am trying to say something and I'm not sure who you will respond... you might say I can't travel with you anymore and that... scares me but I think I need to say... what I want to say....  

DOCTOR: ... I love you too, Yasmin Kahn. 

YASMIN: Wait! What? You....

DOCTOR: Yes, I am capable of feeling it. I can, just this once, say it.

YASMIN: Just this once? 

DOCTOR: Because I can feel it but I cannot live it the way you want me to. I cannot return whatever you may feel for me. 

YASMIN: Doctor? 

DOCTOR: But never forget, Yasmin Kahn! Never forget that you are wanted and worthy. And foremost and above all things, you are loved!

At that moment, Ryan and Graham. 

GRAHAM: Hi ya, Doc! 

RYAN: Hey, Doctor! Are we good to go? 

Yaz stands nearby with an annoyed expression that the guys just ruined a moment.

DOCTOR: Yes, the TARDIS is juiced up with rift energy and ready to go. 

RYAN: Yaz, are you all right?

Yaz breaks into that broad beautiful smile of hers.

YASMIN: I'm fine, Ryan! And ready for our next adventure, right, Doctor? 

The fam bustles into the TARDIS as the Doctor gently puts her hand on Yaz's shoulder as she close the door.

DOCTOR: Correctamundo, Yaz! 

As the bulb on the top starts to flash and the box begins to fade, we hear the familiar VWORP! VWORP! VWORP! as the TARDIS begins to dematerialize. From within the TARDIS we hear this.

GRAHAM: Can I have a TARDIS biscuit?

RYAN: You just ate, Graham! 

-----The End-----

_______________________

So okay, that was a thing that happened.  

I know that the Doctor/Yaz shippers may be disappointed that the Doctor and Yaz don't fall into bed with one another. 

One, that is not the kind of fan fiction I write. Two, given the lack of emotional development during Chibnall's time of Doctor Who, I think I just wanted these characters to express what they are feeling even if they don't act on it. 

Thank you for your indulgence with this story.  

So next week on New Year's Day, we get actual new and real Doctor Who with "Revolution of the Daleks".