Broken News for Friday, February 28th, 2014

Hi there and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You where we put the "bl" back in "blog"! 


I'm Dave-El and today is Friday which means it's time for another rip-snortin' edition of bROkEN nEWs!*


*If you've ever ripped your snortin', you know how painful that can be.



Today's bROkEN nEWs is sponsored by.....

Whatever the Hell Angie Dickinson Was Selling Back in 1979!



Whatever it is, it's a damn sight cooler, hotter, sexier than anything you've got going on right now here in 2014! 

So get on down to your local Wal-Mart, 7-Eleven, Home Depot, Ace Hardware...go wherever the hell you want and ask for.....

Whatever the Hell Angie Dickinson Was Selling Back in 1979!

And tell 'em bROkEN nEWs sent ya! 

OK, let's put this sonuvabitch on the road

In 5...

4...

3...

2...

____________________________________



#BrokenNews "GOP Roadblocks Senate With Iran War Push" Because their question is always, "What is 'raw' spelled backwards?" 

Think about it....

No? 

OK, moving on!


#BrokenNews "Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Injures Himself Celebrating Canada Hockey Win"  No doubt the words "inebriation" and/or "crack pipe" were mentioned in the medical report. 

#BrokenNews “Toronto Mayor Rob Ford: Heavy Drinking Is 'Past Me'” He’s moved on to heavier drinking.

#BrokenNews "Governors: Obamacare Is Here To Stay" The Tea Party is relieved; they don't have to come up with something new to be against. 


#BrokenNews "Dale Earnhardt Jr. Wins Daytona 500" Six days later, rednecks everywhere are still partying. 


Hey, here's The Count with...

bROkEN nEWs tHAt cOuNtS! 

Take it away, Count! 

Hello, kids! I'm the Count and I've got something very special to count today! Blah! And this is for women out there who may think they're experiencing menopause at an early age! Now menopause is a natural thing that happens to a woman as she ages and...well, it makes her mean and ugly. I can't lie to you, kids! But take heart! There are FIVE...oh, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5....FIVE signs that you think are menopause and it isn't.
So let's count! Blah! 

5 False Alarms That Seem Like Early Menopause

1.    You’re always very hot.  Relax, it’s not menopause; you’re the Human Torch.

2.    You’re consumed by enormous rage. OK, that’s not menopause either; it just means you’ve turned into the Incredible Hulk.

3.    You wake up with the sheets soaking wet. No, this is not excessive sweating due to menopause; you’re Bruce Springsteen in “I’m On Fire”. 

4.    You’re cranky and grumpy a lot. Don’t worry about menopause; this only means that you’re talk show host David Letterman.

5.    You have trouble sleeping. Is this menopause? Maybe or it could mean you’re Toronto mayor Rob Ford and you’ve done too much heroin again!

Thank you, Count! That was...sort of...kind of...useful...ish?


#BrokenNews "Doc Sentenced For Sex Attacks During Surgery" Dude, really? Surgery is NOT the time for sex attacks, OK?


#BrokenNews "Why Won't---



OK, not insinuating there IS a time for sex attacks. NO! There is NO good time for a sex attack! And certainly not during a surgery. That's just gross. OK, let's move on.


#BrokenNews "Why Won't---



All right, the important issue here is not that it's gross to attack someone sexually while their body is presumably opened up for surgery. The point is that it's an ATTACK! Which is wrong. OK, I think we're clear? Good! 



#BrokenNews "Why Won't Clarence Thomas Speak Up?" Because he has Anthony Scalia's dick in his mouth?


#BrokenNews “Holding Doors Open For Men Apparently Hurts Their Self-Esteem” Oh, it’s true, it’s true! You held the door for me and my confidence in my masculinity is fading, fading! Quick! Engage emergency oral sex protocols! NOW! Oh, fading, fading….

Hey! Let's do the picture THANG! 

Now back to them headlines, pardner! 

#BrokenNews "Anti-Gay Policies Driving Huge Numbers Of Millennials From Church" Also the lack of a fully stocked expresso bar and free Wi-Fi. 


Or maybe millennials have standards and don't won't to be associated with guys like this....


#BrokenNews "Founder Of World's Largest Megachurch Convicted Of Embezzlement" He seeks your forgiveness for being caught.



#BrokenNews "U.S. Reportedly Eavesdropping On Hundreds Of Key German Figures" Until we find one who speaks English 'cause our German's a little bit rusty.


#BrokenNews "Turns Out Charlie Sheen Is Engaged To A Married Woman" How dumb do you have to be to marry Charlie Sheen? Dumb enough to forget you're already married!

#BrokenNews “Husband Draws Wife A Penis A Day For An Entire Year”

Wait! I know this guy! 
I never forget a face!

Oh this is crying out for more than just one snarky comment. This calls for a whole cluster of...

That's right, SNARK BOMBS! Now calcium fortified for stronger teeth and bones!

OK, here's the wind up...

“Husband Draws Wife A Penis A Day For An Entire Year”

And let 'er rip!  

·         So she’ll know what one really looks like!

·         That’ll teach her to complain she doesn’t get dick in the way presents from him!

·         This is what happens when you let  Anthony Weiner play Pictionary!

·         OK, enough is enough, Bill. Hillary’s sick of this shit!

·         It could be worse: he could've made penis puppets. 

·         He draws with one hand while the other hand holds the magnifying glass!

·         He’s drawn one in green for St Patrick’s Day…or is that for VD Awareness Day?

·         Any present he buys her will be awesome because at least it won’t be another drawing of his damn dick!

·         She returns the favor by drawing for her husband a bigger penis a day for an entire year!

·         They’re cock-a-doodles!  

This has been SNARK BOMBS! Make them part of your nutritional breakfast!



Now back to the headlines! 

#BrokenNews “Ex-Boxing Champ Vitali Klitschko to Run For Ukraine Presidency” His first act as President: pass resolution to get more vowels for his last name. 

Meanwhile, in the US, the Tea Party is inspired: “We can get candidates who actually punch people instead of saying stuff?! Sweet!”

#BrokenNews “Hagel: U.S. Military Must Shrink To Face 'More Volatile' World” Then the Defense Secretary unveiled his Super Duper Shrink Ray!

#BrokenNews “Man Accidentally Kills Himself While Demonstrating How Safe His Guns Are” You know what the problem here was? He didn’t have enough guns!


Have you ever wondered what Katy Perry would've looked like as a villain in the 1960's Batman TV show?

You have?

Shit, you're weird. Well, here you go! 

Oh, yeah! More headlines, brother! 

#BrokenNews “Cheney: Obama Would Rather Spend On Food Stamps Than Military” Instead of feeding hungry people, let’s put them in the military, put them on IED clearing duty; if you don’t get blown up, congratulations: you get food stamps!

Which is kind of how that's already working.

#BrokenNews “Eric Holder: States Should Be 'Suspicious' Of Gay Marriage Bans” What? Could it be that these bans are not about “protecting the sanctity of marriage” but rather are heavy handed moves to consolidate power with political conservatives? 

Nah, it’s gotta be something else, I’m sure.

#BrokenNews "1 Gender Remarkably Absent From Conservative Conference Speakers" 1 gender missing? Who could it be? No, let me guess! Let me guess! Uh...I got this! I got this! Uh...no, I'm stumped.


Hey, Count Dude! Lay some countin' on me, m'man with more...

bROkEN nEWs tHAt cOuNtS! 

OK, why do I keep coming here?
I mean, I have a good gig going over at PBS and it's not like I make a lot of money over here. And that Dave-El is just...weird. Blah! OK, take a deep breath and...we're on?
BLAH!!
Hi, kids! I know there's a lot of things to worry about: Are you going to make friends? Can you finish your homework? Why are you doing strange bits for a random blogger for no discernible reason? 
...
Blah.
Anyway (ooh, this might actually be good!) here are FIVE...ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5....FIVE ways to have a worry free day! 
Enjoy kids! 
Blah! 

5 Ways to Have a Worry-Free Day

1.    Don’t give a shit.

2.    Don’t take any shit.

3.    Don’t do shit

4.    Let other people do shit

5.    Shit will take care of itself

#BrokenNews “Obama Is So Done With Karzai” Obama’s wearing sweats hunkered up in the Oval Office with a quart of Ben ‘n’ Jerry’s and listening to Taylor Swift songs.

#BrokenNews “Even Fox News Is Against Arizona's Homophobic Bill” I mean you start outlawing gays in Arizona and then it spreads to other states, then where will Fox News pundits get their hair done? WHERE? 

 

Later Gov. Brewer vetoed the controversial legislation when she realized she was in desperate need of more moisturizer!

I have NO idea what that means! 

#BrokenNews "Dalai Lama: 'Technology Cannot Produce Compassion'" Adding, "But it's astoundingly quick at accessing porn so it's all good." 

____________________________________

And that wraps up another weeks worth of bROkEN nEWs insanity! 

Remember this week's bROkEN nEWs has been brought to you by....

Whatever the Hell Angie Dickinson Was Selling Back in 1979!

Damn straight you need it! 

Hell you want it! 

No, I don't know what it is! 

All I know is it's...

Whatever the Hell Angie Dickinson Was Selling Back in 1979!

Anyway I hope you've enjoyed this week's installment of bROkEN nEWs. But let me remind you, I do take the concerns of readers seriously. I beseech you, if ANY part of today's bROkEN nEWs offended you in ANY way, please bring these to the attention of the bROkEN nEWs cOMpLAiNt dEpARtMeNt.

Hey, look who's on the B*N*C*D desk today: First Lady Michelle Obama! Oh, she's a nice and compassionate person who...

"Listen up: no one dragged your ass to this stupid blog thing so if you can't deal, that's on you, not me! Okay?"

Okay then. 

Until next time, be good to one another.  

The Adventures of Knock-Knock, the Interrupting Cow#8

And now, Dave-El Inc. in conjunction with 

I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Entertainment is proud to present...

The Adventures of 

Knock-Knock

the Interrupting Cow#8

OH NO! What has happened to Knock-Knock? 

Find out next week for....

The Adventures of 

Knock-Knock

the Interrupting Cow#9

Same COW-time!

Same COW-channel! 

DC Comics and Me # 5

Hi there! 

Today I resume this interminable trek through the overgrown pathways of my brain as I recollect on my time as a reader of DC Comics. 

Before we go back to the past, let's take a look at the present. What do I have on my pull list from DC?

Earth-2

Art by Nicola Scott & Trevor Scott (no relation!) 

I was sorry to see writer James Robinson walk away from this title but so far Tom Taylor is...okay, I guess. I'm a little concerned that focus has shifted from The Flash, Green Lantern, Hawkgirl, Doctor Fate et al, the core of Robinson's run on the title. Yep, we're getting a lot of face time with the Batman of Earth-2. Well, gotta reel the kiddies in somehow I guess. Nicola Scott continues to astonish me with her pencil work. As long as she's sticking around, I'll give Tom Taylor a little more time to convince me to stick around.

The Movement  

Art by Freddie Williams III

This has not been an easy read and I don't mean that in a good way. Trying to figure out who's who, I was dying for an old-fashion border of head shots telling me who the characters are. The thing is either Gail Simone was just starting to hit her groove or I was just figuring out what her groove was, but I was starting to enjoy the book a bit more just as word came down it was cancelled.  In this day and age, 12 issues for a book of Z list characters is pretty damn good. 

Adventures of Superman   

Art by Chris Samnee

The print version of the digital first series is about as close as I can get to what I think of as Superman. Because different writers and artists are not beholden to any specific continuity, it can be a bit disconcerting to see certain characters change from issue to issue. A recent pair of issues by Marc Guggenheim and Christos Gage had two different versions of Prof. Emil Hamilton. Still, this is a title that blows the doors off the joint as far as exploring the world of Superman. But come on, can we get a little more Clark Kent, please? 

Batman '66  

Art by Jonathan Case

When I was a kid, I loved the colorful and over the top adventures of the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder on TV. Local stations would run these episodes after school and I just ate it up. Later while still young but now too cool for school, I looked down on these episodes as a mockery of the true vision of Batman as the Darknight Detective. You know the type, taking this damn comic book thing way too seriously. But maybe the ornery coot I seem to be turning in to misses those Biff! Pow! adventures starring Adam West. And Batman '66 delivers on that and more. The cool thing that writer Jeff Parker does is he employs all the tropes of the Batman TV series yet nobody comes off as a buffoon. Yeah, Batman earnestly reminds Robin of the importance of automotive safety and the use of seat belts. But he also has a cape that turns into Bat-wings when he gets into a mid-air duel with the Riddler. Batman '66 is goofy but not a goof, if that makes sense. 

Batman  

Art by Greg Capullo

Of the New 52 titles, Batman was immediately on my pull list and I have not regretted it. Scott Snyder's take on Batman continues to surprise me with twists and turns in both the character himself and the city has sworn to protect. While Batman seemed in many ways the least effected by the big reboot of the New 52 relaunch, Snyder is exploring in nooks and crannies to find insightful differences to bring to light. And Greg Capullo is just magnificent. Is it too much to call Snyder & Capullo the Englehart & Rogers of the 21st Century? Maybe but damned if Scott & Greg knock it out of the park every month. 

And....that's it. I'm down to 5 DC titles. Well, 6 if I count Sandman: Overture from Vertigo.  Since I've only seen one issue so far, please understand if I forget I'm getting it.  And with The Movement going, that's down to 4 (or 5. C'mon, Gaiman!) 

I'm starting to turn my attention to other publishers and we'll talk about that at another time.  But since this post is about DC Comics and Me and I've raved about the two Batman titles I'm getting, let me turn backward to those long ago days when a young Dave-El ventured forth to see what was packed into the squeaky spinner rack at Dameron Drug. 

Here was my first Batman comic. 

Art by Nick Cardy 

In retrospect, it was not a great beginning, Denny O'Neil shoehorning the Penguin into his edgier take on the Batman. Somewhere along the line, Talia A Ghul shows up as part of the Penguin's plot. Of course, this was my first Batman comic so I didn't know who any of these people were. And I thought it was so cool!

Remember how part of my appeal with Superman was the idea of Clark Kent having this super secret underneath? There's a sequence in this Batman story where Dick Grayson is walking across campus when he has to spring into action as Robin. OK, Grayson's in college and I'm in grade school but my mind jumped over that gap and put myself in the middle of that action. As much as I pretended I was like Clark Kent with a Superman underneath, I knew deep down I wasn't Superman. But Robin? Robin's just a dude with a bitchin' cape! I could rock a cape like that! Well, I could. 

Irv Novick could draw one hell of a cape! 




While Batman reprints could be a bit of a mixed bag, this particular issued featured two stories that really stuck with me.  After just imagining I could be Robin in the new lead story, the reprint of "Hunt For a Robin Killer" kind of unnerved me as I saw the Boy Wonder get the crap beat out of him and Batman going a rampage to avenge him. And "Die Small, Die Big" where someone everyone ignored becomes crucial to saving the Batman's life. A powerfully written and drawn story.   

But a lot of reprints see to cast the Batman as a square jawed police officer. No, the guy I knew was the real Batman was the one by O'Neil and Novick. 

Art by Irv Novick & Frank McLaughlin

So naturally they weren't sticking around much longer.








Next time on DC Comics and Me:

Who the hell is David V Reed? And a laughing fish shows us the way. 

NEW GIRL by Jack Kirby#6

Hello there! 

I'm Dave-El and this is my blog! I call it I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You because simply calling it The Blog seemed a bit too trendy.

Before I get on to whatever thing it is we're going to do today (and you've seen the title and saw the graphics so yeah, it's THAT thing), a bit of blog business. 

Yesterday was the first day I haven't posted something, anything to this fershlugginer blog since December 30th. Yep, from December 31st to February 23rd, there has been something on blog everyday. That's because I have made a commitment to my readers to my delusions. 

But I am back today and this is what I choose to come back with. 

New Girl by Jack Kirby#6.

Sigh. 

OK, you know the deal: I mash up a photo (badly) of Zooey Deschanel (not necessarily from her hit FOX sitcom, New Girl) to the cover of Jack Kirby's groundbreaking series for DC Comics, New Gods.  

So here you go! 

This time I've managed to cover up a lot less of Kirby's powerful art that before.  As you can see from the un-Deschanelized cover below, I placed a pic of Zooey in place of a weird, creepy mummified person.  

Below is the un-Kirbynated beauty of Zooey Deschanel from a showing of the movie Yes Man in which she co-starred with Jim Carrey. 

Let me provide the following disclaimers.

To the estate of Jack Kirby: Kirby was awesome! He was indeed the King! I value and appreciate his contributions to this art form we call comic books! None of this is meant as any disrespect to his legend. 

To the attorneys representing Zooey Deschanel: Nothing I've done here violates the terms of the restraining order.

Thank you! 

________________________________

So whazzup for future posts here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You? Well, thanks for asking, person inside my head.

Wednesday: The return of DC Comics and Me as I look at my first Batman comics. 

Thursday: Another installment of The Adventures of Knock-Knock the Interrupting Cow. This is a Very Special Episode, part one of an epic two parter! Squeee!

Friday: A new Broken News! Snarky comments on headlines! Snarky comments on photos! Just snark, snark, snark! 

Saturday: This is Doctor Who Saturday and this week I present an allegedly humorous piece: The TARDIS has something to say! 

Sunday: In lieu of the usual This (Non) Sporting Life, I mark the occassion of this blog's ONE YEAR Anniversary. If you've seen this blog's 100th, 200th and 300th posts, then don't hold that against me. But yeah, I'll probably do something that stupid for the 1 year mark. 

So thanks for dropping by and remember to be good to one another.