The Impeachment Inevitability

Yesterday finished the Q&A part of the Senate trial over Donald Trump's impeachment. Not that it matters. We know the fix is in. Even if there are enough votes to request witnesses to testify before the Senate, the Republicans are already lined up to vote to not remove Trump from office. 

The inevitability of this action is assured.  

Not that the Republicans didn't have a little fun along the way. 

Rand Paul tried to slip in a question to make Chief Justice John Roberts says the name of the whistleblower. John was not going to fall for that again, not after Ruth Bader Ginsburg tricked him with "Homo say what?" bit. 

Also Sen. Kennedy from Louisiana used his question opportunity to ask "What exactly did Hunter Biden do to earn his money as a board member of Burisma?" The answer appears to be "he did jack shit to earn his money" but I'm thinking, I'm down with that. 

Meanwhile, the man the Senate Republicans have bartered their souls to Satan to defend, Donald J. Trump, continues to be a fucking lying moron.  I mean, the GOP is going to the wall for defend... this guy? I mean, come on! 

If Li'l Donnie was a nice guy with a even temperment and a gracious attitude towards others, I would get it. Let's go to the mat to defend that guy! 

But Li'l Donnie is not a nice guy. He's ill tempered and lacks one particle of anything resembling human empathy. He's stupid and cranky and quite frankly, there may be something wrong with him. 

At his most recent circle jerk off rally, Trump's speech reached new depths of slurring and incoherence. The Republican Party is rallying to protect this moron who may be in a state of having a perpetual stroke. 

What does it matter? Today or next week, the vote will be taken and Donald Trump will not be removed from office. And he'll go off on a rampaging rant about how he has been totally vindicated and we'll have to deal with that shit.

The fix is in. 

Gorillas and Cake

Sorry!

This is one of those days where I'm having trouble stringing together a coherent series of letters to make words to compose sentences to convey thoughts.

Or something.

So let's just take a moment to contemplate something positive about life.

Things that make life worth living.

Reasons, you know, to live.

Like gorillas.

And cake.  

Be good to one another, y'all! 

Partisanship Vs. the Constitution

Donald Trump‘s defense team appealed for a quick acquittal. "It will show that you put the Constitution above partisanship," White House counsel Pat Cipollone told senators in his closing remarks. 

 

The hypocrisy on display here is just staggering.

 

That the Senate Republicans were prepared to vote in favor of Donald Trump before one word was uttered by the defense is the very definition of putting partisanship above the Constitution. 

 

That the defense team spent more time casting aspersions against Joe Biden and Barack Obama than actually addressing and refuting the impeachment charges against Donald Trump is a most flagrant demonstration of putting partisanship above the Constitution. 

 

That the impeachment managers laid out a detailed and compelling case against Donald Trump only to be dismissed by Senate Republicans for “not doing their homework”, that is putting partisanship above the Constitution at its most appallingly obvious.

 

Even as the impeachment managers are putting forth their case with more troubling allegations (from Lev Parnas and John Bolton) pointing to Trump’s malfeasance, Senate Republicans’ resistance to call for witnesses in the impeachment trial is the very model of putting partisanship above the Constitution. 

 

In the battle of Partisanship Vs. the Constitution, Partisanship is still on it’s feet, smugly smiling with hardly a cut or bruise while the Constitution lays bloody, beaten and gasping for breath on the mat.

Tuesday TV Touchbase (01/28/2020): Star Wars: The Mandalorian and Star Trek: Picard

Hi there!

It’s Tuesday! I like to watch TV!

That brings us to the Tuesday TV Touchbase!

What have I been watching on TV?

I gotta say, the TV watching schedule for my wife Andrea and I is quite full.  Sunday, we have Doctor Who on at the same time as the Batwoman/Supergirl match up over on the CW.

We also have Stumptown, Young Sheldon, Perfect Harmony and The Good Place.

And when The Good Place is over, we’ll have Brooklyn Nine Nine back in rotation.

It looks Perfect Harmony is over. Last Thursday was its season finale and given it's lousy ratings, probably it's series finale. 

And as I write this, we still haven’t finished season three of The Crown. (Just two episodes to go!)

So adding yet another series to our itinerary seems a bit problematic with our packed schedule.

But I’ll be damned if that is what I did.

Actually, we added two!

Say hello to… Star Wars: The Mandolorian!

A few weeks back, while our daughter Randie was still at home at the Fortress of Ineptitude, she bugged us to go ahead and sign up for Disney+. 

She wanted to watch Coco before she went back to college.

After that and she went back to college, I figured “Hell, I have Disney+! Damn it! I’m going to watch the Mandolorian!”

As I’ve noted in this space before, when it comes to science fiction fandom, for me Star Wars ranks below Doctor Who and Star Trek.

It’s like Doctor Who., Star Trek, some other things I might like and somewhere down the list, Star Wars. 

But….

“Hell, I have Disney+! Damn it! I’m going to watch the Mandolorian!”

The Mandolorian is Star Wars for people who don’t like Star Wars. It’s set in the dirtier, grungier edges of the Star Wars universe. 

It’s Stumptown but with space ships and a dude in a helmet.

Seriously, the Mandolorian NEVER takes off his helmet. Anyone who suggests he takes off his helmet gets a dirty look. How do you give someone a dirty look while wearing a face covering helmet? The Mandolorian manages to do it. 

The title character is a helmet wearing bad ass bounty hunter. He’s terse, acerbic and really can’t be bothered with your bullshit. He’s just trying to make a living as a bounty hunter in a galaxy where making any kind of living is kind of hard.

Props to a Star Wars property that actually name checks “Life Day”, the Star Wars holiday at the center of the infamous Star Wars Christmas TV special.

Props to a Star Wars property that shows us what a toilet looks like in the Star Wars universe.

And yes, most definitely, props to a Star Wars property that gives us Baby Yoda.

OK, I missed out on being surprised by Baby Yoda’s reveal but damn! I was not prepared for just how frickin’ cute Baby Yoda is!!  

Everybody may be trashing Rise of Skywalker but the Mandolorian and Baby Yoda will save Star Wars! 

Andrea and I are doling out an episode a week before Sunday’s new Doctor Who episode.

Next up new on our list is Star Trek: Picard.

This one is very important to Andrea and I,

From the beginning of our relationship, Star Trek: The Next Generation was our jam. But this corner of the Star Trek universe has been untouched since the cinematic misfire of Nemesis. Any new Star Trek since then has been prequels and reboots.

While Star Trek: Picard is rooted in the nostalgic appeal to fans like Andrea and I, it represents the first chance in almost two decades to move Star Trek forward and outward.

If Star Trek: Picard is going to move Star Trek forward, however, it’s going to take it’s time doing it.

If you’re looking for Jean Luc Picard to stand on the bridge of a starship and tell a helmsman to “Engage!”, you will have to wait.

Most of episode one is spent bringing us up to speed on the current status of Jean Luc and the Federation and sad to say, things don’t look good. 

Picard has long since retired from Starfleet with not a lot of good feelings left for the organization that was his home for most of his life. 

Seems Romulus is about to get fried by it's sun going supernova. Picard convinces the Federation to help the Romulans escape their planet before the supernova hits. But in a move of feckless short-sightedness and cowardice, the rescue operation is called off.

The Federation does have another bee in its bonnet, as it were. All of the living crew and all the facilities at the Utopia Planitia Shipyards on Mars are utterly destroyed by an attack of androids, androids developed by one Bruce Maddox of the Daystrom Institute. (Maddox first appeared in the 2nd season ST:TNG episode "The Measure of a Man" as a cybernetic expert looking to replicate Data.)  As a result of this catastrophe, synthetic life forms and any development or research into the creation of synthetic life forms in the Federation are all forbidden. 

Picard is hanging out in his vineyard in France, in his own words, "waiting to die". 

Then a remarkable woman named Dahj comes into his life and Picard once more has a mystery to solve, a mission, a new purpose.  

Except for a few action sequences, the pace on the first episode is slow, deliberate, almost languid.  Jean Luc is an old man, with a long and exemplary career behind marred by his most significant failures and the failures of the institutions that Picard had dedicated his life to. 

This time we find Jean Luc Picard is not Gene Roddenberry's  utopian ideal of the future.  But if Picard the man and the series has anything to say about, that ideal will live again. 

Elsewhere on CBS All Access are Short Treks. Andrea and I watched one called Children Of Mars that ties in to Star Trek Picard. It's the story of two school age girls who have an acrimonious relationship. They find common ground in grief and shock when their respective parents working at the Utopia Planitia Shipyards on Mars are among the day from the attack of the synthetics.  It is a quiet character piece that underscores the affect this betrayal has on the people of the federation.  

Kobe Bryant and the Whims of Fate

I feel compelled to write something in response to the death of Kobe Bryant.

 

The unexpected death of the former NBA super star, his daughter and other passengers in a helicopter crash Sunday has shocked the nation. 

 

I don’t know a lot about Kobe Bryant. I knew of him, the broad outlines of his career with the Los Angeles Lakers and even some of the controversies of his life. 

 

I had forgotten that Kobe was retired from basketball which shows how little I pay attention to the NBA. The last time I really paid any attention to professional basketball was when Michael Jordan was in his prime.

 

I guess what brings me to this place to reflect on this tragic event is the harsh cold realization about the capricious whims of fate.

 

For Kobe, his daughter and everyone else on that helicopter and for all their loved ones left behind, everything changed in a span of seconds.

 

In mere moments, all the potential for all the days to come were consigned to oblivion. 

 

It’s heartbreaking to think about.

 

It’s a sobering reality to contemplate.

 

There are no guarantees for the future, for tomorrow or even the next minute.

 

No level of wealth, power or notoriety can protect us from fate.

 

I feel sorrow for all the lives lost, for all the days to come that will never arrive and for the loved ones who have to sort through their unimaginable pain of loss and grief.

 

It’s just a lot to think about. It’s too much to think about.

Doctor Who Is NEW!: Fugitive of the Judoon

OK, Whovians! 

What the hell? 

For several days before Sunday, various twitterings on Twitter from the BBC, BBC America and other sources (including frickin' Doctor Who producer herself, Nikki Wilson) have been on a major push. 

Sunday's episode, Fugitive of the Judoon, was NOT to be missed.  

Or to quote the Doctor: "Crisis. Big crisis. Serious crisis. Big, serious crisis."  

My brain has been buzzing for days trying to figure out what the hell we're building up to without racing too far in front of Chris Chibnall. 

Yaz has a Rose Tyler moment and professes her love for the Doctor?

Or something more sinister. The TV promo repeats the Master's admonishment to the Doctor, "Everything you know is a lie." 

Yasmin Kahn is NOT who she says she is. 

Yaz is secretly an enemy of the Doctor, biding her time. 

Maybe a secret that Yaz herself doesn't know, hidden under the power of a Chameleon Arch?

Is Yaz the Rani, the Doctor's other Time Lord enemy?  

See! Stuff like that, I'm getting WAY ahead of myself. 

Wait! In Spyfall Part One, C of MI6 thought Graham was the Doctor?

Is Graham the Valeyard?

Is Ryan secretly the Meddling Monk? 

Is the Doctor's entire fam a bunch of disguised renegade Time Lords hiding out behind her back? 

Maybe the big thing has nothing to do with Yaz or the rest of the fam.

Capt. Jack Harkness is back?

Oh, we've been waiting for that one so long and we're always disappointed. 

Benni from "Orphan 55"? 

The TV promo on BBC America said if you thought the reveal of the Master was a big deal, wait until you see what happens next. 

What happens next has happened and...

What the hell...? 

More after the spoiler warning.  

FUGITIVE OF THE JUDOON

by Vinay Patel and Chris Chibnall

The episode begins with an ordinary day in the life of an ordinary couple named Lee and Ruth living in Gloucester. 

Then the Judoon shows up, looking for a fugitive and things get weird. 

Alerted that the Judoon are on Earth, the Doctor goes to investigate. Whatever the Judoon are up to seems centered on Lee for some reason.  

OK, it's not Lee, it's Ruth. 

Meanwhile, the fam is getting teleported one by one to a spaceship by...

Wait for it.

Wait for it!

CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS!  

Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Meanwhile, back on Earth, the Doctor tags along with Ruth to her childhood home, an old light house.  In a grave where Ruth's parents are supposed to be buried, the Doctor finds......

a police box?  

Meanwhile, Ruth gets zapped by a light and her memories and her true self are restored. 

Her body and mind re-written by a chameleon arch, Ruth is revealed as a Time Lord. But not just any Time Lord but...

Wait for it.


Wait for it!

The SAME Time Lord! 

"Hello," says Ruth, "I'm the Doctor!"  

Wait!

What? 

The Judoon have been contracted to by Commander Gat, a woman who is also revealed as a Time Lord from Gallifrey, to retrieve the fugitive Doctor. 

This other Doctor appears to be from our Doctor's past, a past she does not remember or recognize.  

Meanwhile, Harkness is about to get zapped by the aliens he stole his spaceship from so he gives the fam a warning for the Doctor: Beware of the lone Cyberman.

And the fam gets teleported back to Earth. 

Meanwhile with the Judoon outmaneuvered, the two Doctors go their separate ways. 

Finally reunited in the TARDIS, the Doctor and her fam compare notes.  The Doctor is very much rattled by this version of herself she never knew existed. She's snappish with the gang but Ryan steps up to voice the gang's support of the Doctor. They may not know who she was or what she will be but they know who she is now and they have her back. 

There's a lot to unpack here. Naturally, I am stoked that Jack Harkness is back. He's still the dashing daredevil we know and love. But his interactions are limited to the fam. No Doctor and Jack meet up this time.  

It seems that Jack's involvement is to help keep the fam off the board while the Doctor is off doing her thing with Ruth, AKA The Doctor?  

And speaking of which, Jo Martin makes for a very forceful and confident Doctor. But is she THE Doctor? Is she our Doctor? 

I'm sure the trolls will be out in force to tear this a part: another Doctor who is not only a woman but a woman of color? Ooh how politically correct! 

Well, those trolls can stick a Judoon horn up their backsides for all I care.  We have a compelling mystery here with all manner of possible solutions.  Is this new Doctor really part of the Doctor's timeline? Her past? Is she from an alternate universe? Is she a trick by the Time Lords on the Doctor? Is she connected to the Timeless Child? Is she in fact the Timeless Child? 

There is a lot about the "Fugitive of the Judoon" to get excited about. The return of the Judoon and of Jack Harkness, the introduction of a potentially mythology shattering addition of an heretofore unknown Doctor. 

That being said, I'm not sure I can get behind this as an effective episode. Too much of it seemed scattershot without coalescing into a meaningful whole. 

But it certainly set the stage for some interesting things to come for the rest of the season.  

Cinema Sunday: Bringing Up Baby

Hi there! Welcome back to another installment of Cinema Sunday wherein I post about movies I’ve seen at some point in my life, from childhood to college years to alleged adult person to the old, bitter cantankerous person I am now.

Last week, I opted to show my bonafides as a cinephile of some actual taste by writing about Citizen Kane.

Today, I’ve decided the focus should move to  comedy and look back at what I regard as one of the funniest movies I have ever seen.  Today’s film is Bringing Up Baby,  a 1938  comedy film directed by Howard Hawks and starring Katharine Hepburn and Cary Grant.  

I have to be blunt: I have no recollection of the first time I saw this movie. I will watch it whenever the opportunity presents itself in TCM’s rotation of classic movies. But the why and wherefore of how I came to be first introduced to this movie completely eludes any recollection, I might hazard a guess that I saw this in college, perhaps in association with the film history course where I first saw Citizen Kane.  But that would be only a guess not supported by an specific anecdotal evidence.

Bringing Up Baby is a classic tale of two disparate persons being forced together by circumstance and falling in love.  David Huxley (Cary Grant) is a paleontologist, mild-mannered, methodical; he’s a man who needs a plan and to follow that plan. David’s plans include looking for a specific bone, an “intercostal clavicle” to complete assembly of a brontosaurus skeleton; getting married to his fiancé, Alice, a dour woman with no sense of humor or adventure; and meeting with Harriet Random, a wealthy woman considering a million dollar donation to the David’s museum. So David has a plan but it’s a plan that causing him a lot of stress.   

What he doesn’t need is more stress.

Enter Susan Vance (Katherine Hepburn), Harriet Random’s free spirited niece.  Susan is  a woman given to following her impulses wherever they may lead.  If Susan is impulsive towards life, it seems life can be impulsive towards her as well. To wit, Susan's brother Mark in Brazil has sent her a tame leopard named Baby. As one might do for one’s sister, I suppose. I never had a sister so it may be completely expected and appropriate to gift a leopard to your sister. 

Baby’s tameness is helped by hearing the song "I Can't Give You Anything But Love". Well, of course it does.

After chance encounters with David on a golf course and at restaurant, Susan has decided that David is a zoologist; she also decided she’s in love with him.

So Susan manipulates David into accompanying her in taking Baby to her farm in Connecticut.

Things get complicated.

David receives his long awaited intercostal clavicle only for it to be stolen by Susan’s dog, George.  Because he is a dog just living his best life, George has buried the bone somewhere on Harriet Random’s estate. 

Over the course of events, David and his clothes get to be quite a mess. While David’s taking  a shower, Susan “helpfully” takes the clothes to be cleaned.  She really determined to keep David around as long as possible.

Meanwhile, David is left with nothing to wear but a negligee which is what he happens to be wearing when he first meets Harriet Random. Remember, this is the woman who’s thinking about donation a million dollars to David Huxley’s museum. So this is awkward. When questioned by Mrs. Random why he’s wearing a negligee, David exclaims, “I don’t know! I just decided to go gay all of a sudden!”   

Meanwhile, George has run off. David needs to follow the dog to find out where he buried the dinosaur bone.  And Baby has run off as well so Susan needs to find her missing leopard. 

Added to the mix is a 2^nd leopard, a dangerous cat who has recently mauled her trainer at a circus. This leopard has escaped and is not going be calmed down by anyone singing "I Can't Give You Anything But Love". Or anything else from the 1938 hit parade.

So there’s your mix for confusion, disaster and hilarity. 

There’s a point where David and Susan wind up in jail where  Susan spins out a narrative for the sheriff that she and David are part of the "Leopard Gang", calling herself "Swingin' Door Susie" and David "Jerry the Nipper".   


Every time I see Bringing Up Baby, I cannot help but laugh out loud. The absurd pile on bizarre circumstance followed by another  bizarre circumstance followed by another and another is more than sufficient fodder for comedy. But what really sells this movie is it's two leads. Katherine Hepburn goes a mile a minute as she races from one of Susan's cooky ideas to another. Cary Grant has a pitch perfect grasp of David's confusion, trying to desperately to hold on to whatever slim remnant of sanity he can find when remnants of sanity are increasingly in short supply.  Hepburn and Grant have a chemistry that fairly crackles with life. 

When I have to think of a movie that is guaranteed to make me laugh every time I see it. Bringin Up Baby is the movie that first comes to mind. 

_____________________________

In next week's Cinema Sunday, I'll look at collection of movies I've seen over the years with one defining characteristic: they've all the won the Oscar for Best Picture.

Songs For Saturday #4: Lindsey Stirling, Brooklyn Duo and Sarah Chang

Hi there!  Welcome to another installment of Songs For Saturday where I post links to some music videos for songs I really like. 

Today we're going classical. 

Sort of.  

 Make sure the Bat Headphones are on snug.

Crank up the volume!

And let's hear what I have on tap for today.




Our first performer is a young talent I just enjoy the hell out of.  Lindsey Stirling is a violin virtuoso who can also dance while virtuosoing with the violin.

Today's number is Lindsey's take on a medley from Phantom of the Opera.

Trust me: this song kicks ass!  

Would I lie to you? That was awesome, wasn't it? 

Lindsey Stirling will be making appearances in future editions of Songs For Saturday.

I also love the arrangements of Brooklyn Duo, Marnie and Patrick Laird, a married couple who play the piano and cello. In addition to classical compositions by Bach, Mozart and others, Brooklyn Duo frequently post videos of covers of pop tunes.

Today's song is perhaps my favorite. Joined by Ensemble Connect, here is Brooklyn Duo's "Take On Me" by A-Ha! 

Brooklyn Duo will be back in future installments of Songs For Saturday. 

Finishing off today's post in a violin prodigy named Sarah Chang. I had the good fortune to see her perform live in person a few years ago.

Up next is Sarah performing a work by a genuine classical composer, Antonio Vivaldi.  But if you think you're going to doze off in the middle of this song, I don't think so.  

Vivaldi's The Four Seasons is one my all time favorite classical compositions and Sarah kicks butt with today's selection from Vivaldi's greatest work.  

OK, that's that for...

No! Hold on! Time for a BONUS 4th song! 

I can't link up to Vivaldi without also sharing this favorite song. OK, this song has words so deal. 

Adapted from the "Winter" section of Vivaldi's The Four Seasons, here is River of Dreams by Hayley Westenra.

Oh, man! I love her voice and I the love the arrangement for this song! The strings and harp flow like a gentle river, don't they? 

OK, for real THAT is that today's Songs For Saturday.

Until next time, remember to be good to one another and to keep the music alive.   

The Suspense Is NOT Killing Me

The Senate trial in the impeachment of Donald Trump moves forward towards its inevitable fall into the abyss of irrelevancy.

Oh, the Democratic impeachment case managers have done an exemplary job of making the case that Trump violated the US Constitution with his efforts to extort Ukraine to do his personal dirty work of propagating spurious and unfounded accusations and his refusal to cooperate with the House of Representatives in their investigations.  

But no one is listening.

Republican Senators are wiling away the hours during testimony, playing with fidget spinners.

Over on Fox News, you can see coverage of the Senate trial but there's no audio. Instead of hearing the meticulously gathered evidence against Trump, Fox News viewers hear from Fox pundits, talking over the footage, giving their pro-Trump, anti-impeachment spin. 

The fix is in.

Waiting out the end of this trial in the Senate, I can honestly say the suspense is not killing me. 

ENCORE: No One Expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Yesterday, the world heard of the passing of Terry Jones, one of the six silly men who created Monty Python's Flying Circus.  Terry had been ill for some time, diagnosed with a form of dementia that robbed him most cruelly of his wit and his way with a pithy phrase.

Terry was in most sketches the "normal" one.

He was the mild mannered accountant who wanted be a lion tamer until he found out what lion really looks like.  

He was the friendly chocolate maker who was genuinely perplexed how they could sell a candy called "crunchy chocolate frog" if they took the bones out.

Terry was also a writer for my all time favorite Monty Python sketch, the Spanish Inquisition.

Which brings us to today's post.

Way back in the first year of I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, I had a recurring feature called "And Now a Word From Our Sponsor", where I would give over that's day's blog post to a sponsor of this blog.

One of those sponsors was American Glory, an insurance company that sold all sorts of strange policies, including a policy to provide protection from the ruthless Spanish Inquisition.

Time to climb into the TARDIS for a trip to April 2013....

Tuesday, April 2, 2013________________________________

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor#4

Greetings, Wanderer of the World Wide Web! My name is Dave-El and WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND!!

No, wait, hold on.

(ahem)

My name is Dave-El and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the only blog that contains the FDA recommended daily allowance of whole grains and oats.

Now you may wonder what goes on here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You. (Also known as ISGMSAY for short. Helpful hint: If want to score with a babe at a party or bar by pretending to be a European spy/fashion model, "Isgmsay" makes a great name to use. Just don't use it in Ft. Wayne, IN. There are...people...looking for "Isgmsay" there.)

Where was I? Oh, yeah....

You may wonder what goes on here at I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You and quite frankly, your guess is as good as mine. Really, I have no idea.

But whatever it is, it don't come cheap so I need commercial sponsorship. So bear with me while I present another text commercial from American Glory! American Glory's motto is: "You need insurance? You got $5? You got insurance." 

And they will insure against anything.

(I mean, really, what is their business model? How does this company actually work?)  

So help me keep the lights on in this dump and follow the latest commercial from American Glory!
_____________________________________________________________________________
Scene: a modest but tastefully decorated kitchen as a man in his mid-40’s paces the floor with a phone pressed to his ear.Bill  (on the phone, starts off a bit bored but grow more exasperated as the call progresses): My address? 123 Maple Lane. (pause) Maple. (pause) M-A-P-L-E (pause) L-A-N-E. (pause) My date of birth: 12-11-1980. (pause) The last 4 digits of my social security number? 9-8-7-6 (pause) My mother’s maiden name? Renfield (pause) My pet’s name? Really? (pause) Mr. Wiskerston. (pause) Yes, Wiskerton. Really, what’s with all these questions? I mean, I called just to transfer some funds from my savings to my checking! It seems like a very simple exercise. I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition!

[A red cloaked figure jumps into the scene bombastically.]

Inquisitor: Ah HA! No one expects the Spanish Inquisition. Because my chief weapon is Surprise! And Fear! Surprise and Fear! Two chief weapons!


Bill  (a bit startled at first but quickly recovers and seems more annoyed than frightened. To the person on the phone..) I’ll call back later. (Bill hangs up, then looks thru some papers in a kitchen drawer.)

Inquisitor (continuing): Surprise and fear! And ruthless efficiency! THREE, yes three chief weapons! Surprise! Fear! Ruthless efficiency! And my bright red cape! Blast it! OK, amongst my weaponry are such diverse elements as surprise….

Bill  (interrupting, barely acknowledging the Inquisitor): Could you hold on just a moment please?

[Inquisitor stops and looks puzzled as Bill  is clearly not afraid of him.)


Bill  (finds a sheet of paper and hands it to the Inquisitor): Here! Read this!


Inquisitor: "This is to insure the holder of this policy against any modern outbreak of, or interference by, the Spanish Inquisition as guaranteed by...American Glory?"

Spokesperson: [Entering.] That's right! American Glory!


Inquisitor: Egad! This is unexpected.


Spokesperson: In the 15th century, Cardinal Ximenez of Spain gave order for the Spanish Inquisition to seek out heresy and render immediate and terrible punishment. Of course that was 600 years ago, but you never know…maybe someone in the Inquisition did not get the memo, like this poor little fellow!"



Inquisitor (offended): Hey!



Spokesperson: That's where American Glory comes in!


Bill : And thank you, American Glory!


Spokesperson: No problem! For as little as $5.00 a month, we can offer protection from the ruthless Spanish Inquisition so you can rest comfortably without fear of persecution!

Inquisitor: Oh, nuts! [Sighs.] What’s a poor, unemployed Inquisitor to do these days?

Spokesperson: Maybe a career in telemarketing? Inquisitor: Ah! The idea has merit! Would I still be able to use my dungeon?

Spokesperson: Why, yes!

Inquisitor (brings fingertips together wickedly): Excellent! (exits, laughing maniacally)


Spokesperson: So remember American Glory! Because we DO expect the Spanish Inquisition....and they could be everywhere!
_____________________________________________________________________________
...

The...Spanish...Inquisition. Really.

(ahem!)

OK, thank you, American Glory, for supporting my blog and for providing such a....unique...insurance service.

(Have we checked to make sure this is legal? We're not going to get sued by Micheal Palin or haunted by Graham Chapman, are we?)

OK, thanks for dropping by  I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You or ISGMSAY to your mysterious European friends. (Remember, "Isgmsay" MUST stay clear of Ft. Wayne, IN. Oh, and also avoid anyone calling himself "The Dwarf".)

Take care!
_____________________________________________________

WAIT! 

Back in March 2013, I posted another Spanish Inquisition thing, a brief Doctor Who sketch. 

Back in the TARDIS to March 2013.....

__________________________

“Picture the Unexpected”

 

The Time: Shortly after Rory joins Amy and the Doctor

in the TARDIS after their adventure in Venice.

The Doctor approaches Rory and Amy with a box.

Doctor: “Amy! Now that Rory’s on board, I thought I might show him these photographs of me, you know, help bring him up to speed on how things work around here.”

Amy (annoyed): “Oh, those pictures again, Doctor? Rory doesn’t want to look at yourselves.”

Rory (confused): “Wait. What? ‘Yourselves’? ‘Selves’ as in plural?”

Amy: “Yeah, yeah. The Doctor told me there’s this…thing he does when he gets really hurt and close to dying.”

Doctor: “It’s not just a..a thing, Amy.”

Rory: “Really? A thing?”

Doctor: “It’s not a thing!”

Amy: “Yeah, he calls it degeneration?”

Doctor: “RE-generation.”

Amy: “Anyway, it changes him.”

Rory: “Changes? How? He becomes taller? Shorter? Different hair color? Personality?”

Doctor: “…yes.”

Rory: “Yes what?”

Doctor: “Yes to all of it. Here, let me show you.”

Amy: “Ooh boy.”

Doctor (handing photo to Rory): “Here’s a photo of me when I was first starting out.”

Rory: “You…you look a lot…older.”

Doctor: “Of course, I was a younger man back then.”

Rory looks confused as he hands photo to Amy who tears it in half and tosses the pieces behind her.

Doctor (handling photo to Rory): “And here I am, Rory, after I regenerated the first time.”

Rory (chuckling): “Wow! You do change. A lot. Hey, has anyone ever mentioned you looked like that guy from… “  (The Doctor stares coldly at Rory) “….the…Three…Stoo…”

Doctor: “Don’t. Go. There.”

Rory: “Ooo-kay.” Rory hands photo to Amy who tears it in half and tosses the pieces behind her.

Doctor (handing photo to Rory): “And here I am after I regenerated a 2^nd time. I was stuck on Earth for WAY too long.”

Rory (laughing): “Oh. My. God. A puffy shirt? A puffy shirt and…is that a velvet jacket?”

Doctor (looking hurt): “I thought I looked dashing! Particularly when I added the cape.”

Rory (laughing harder): “Cape?”

The Doctor stares at Rory again, says nothing.

Rory (stops laughing, nervous now): “Er…uh…capes are, uh, cool. Like bowties.”

Rory hands photo to Amy who tears it in half and tosses the pieces behind her.

Doctor (sighs as he hands another photo to Rory): “This was after my third regeneration.”

Rory: “You were very tall that time. What’s the deal with the…scarf? I know, I know. Don’t ask.”

Rory hands photo to Amy who tears it in half and tosses the pieces behind her.

Doctor: “Oh, here’s another photo from that time. This is me fighting the Spanish Inquisition.”

Amy (suddenly interested, lunges past Rory and grabs the photo): “What? The Spanish Inquisition? I wasn’t expecting the Spanish Inquisition!”

Suddenly there is a loud boom and a burst of light and three men in red robes burst forth. Amy and Rory are shocked. The Doctor appears more annoyed than anything as he reaches inside his jacket.

Red Robed Man: “NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! Because our chief weapon is SURPRISE! Surprise and FEAR! TWO chief weapons, surprise and fear! AND RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY! THREE! Our three chief weapons are….”

Doctor (interrupting): “Oh, you lot! Bugger off, already.” Points his sonic screwdriver at the three men who promptly vanish.

Rory: “Wh..wh…what was…that?”

Amy: “Doctor?”

Doctor: “Don’t worry about them.  Just some wibbly wobbly timey wimey…stuff…”

Amy: “But you got rid of them so easily.”

Doctor: “Well, that’s the difference between me and most people: I DO expect the Spanish Inquisition.” (The Doctor taps Amy on the nose with the end of the sonic screwdriver as she giggles.)

Rory (pulling a photo from the box): “You’re blonde in this one.”

Doctor: “I know. But I’ve never been ginger. Just once, I would like to be ginger.” (The Doctor folds his arms and sulks a bit.)

Rory: “And this outfit you were wearing? It’s a bit…colorful.”

Doctor (distracted): “Oh, that thing? Just a phase, I was really into cricket for a while there.”

Rory: “Well, I hope your dress sense improved after your next regeneration.”

The Doctor suddenly looks very alarmed. As Rory starts to reach in the box for another photo, the Doctor abruptly yanks it away.

Doctor: “I think…we’re done here.” The Doctor walks off with the box.

Rory: “What?”

Amy: “I’ve seen it. Trust me, Rory. You don’t want to know. C’mon, I’ll show you the files on the former companions. They include a disturbingly large number of young cute girls. You really want to see these pictures.”

Rory: “Er, why? You’re the only young cute girl I’m interested in.” Rory kisses Amy gently.

Amy: “Hmm! Good answer. Still, I think you might want to take a look. One of them is wearing a leather bikini.”

Rory: “Leather…bikini.”

Amy: “Uh huh.”

Rory stands still and quiet for a moment. Then..

Rory: “Well, you know, if it helps bring me…up to speed…on how things work around…here…”

Amy smiles slyly at Rory and we….Fade Out.

 

  

The Doctor, Amy and Rory by ~piratecore on deviantART