Before the Date Stamped on Myself

I came back as a bag of groceries
Accidentally taken off the shelf
Before the date stamped on myself

Did a large procession wave their
Torches as my head fell in the basket,
And was everybody dancing on the casket?

Now it's over I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want
Or, I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do

They Might Be Giants, "Dead" from the album "Flood"

written by John Flansburgh and John Linnell

Well, it's been one week since I went from being busy and gainfully employed to being self employed, working at nothing all day.

It feels weird.

I am one of those people who on my death bed may actually utter my final regret as "I wish I had spent MORE time at work."

When dealing with depression, sometimes my only motivation to get up and deal with another damn day was going to work.

Now I don't have that motivation.

I have tried to create new motivation. I have decided that my new job is actually writing posts for I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You. I want to commit to having at least done that much so I can say for sure, hell, I got something done today.

My other motivation is to catch up on a bunch of TV and movie stuff I've wanted to see. I finally have time to start watching "The Boys" on Amazon. I'll have more on that in a future edition of Tuesday TV Touchbase. (Spoiler: "The Boys" is some messed up shit.)

Another thing I've made it a goal to do is to interact with my digital "friends".  I'm sure Chris over on Chris Is On Infinite Earths is wondering do I not have anything better to do that comment on his posts.  No, I don't. 

I have been looking for work, applying for other jobs at my former employer. You might think that I would want to run the hell away in the other direction from a company that summarily told me my job no longer exists.

OK, I am not happy about that which is a normal human reaction. But I'm endeavoring not to take this personally. I'm not the only one who was touched by the cold skeletal hand of corporate death. Sadly, this sort of thing is just part of the landscape in corporate America. Is it right? Probably not but it is what it is and my railing against it at this point won't accomplish anything and can only hurt me. I have an HR contact who says my record with the company is very good and there is a good chance of me finding something else within the company.

If not, I've got a good severance deal. I'm going to get paid for another nine months being self employed, working at nothing all day.

But coping with working at nothing all day right now is still a struggle.

My wife who spent about a year being self employed, working at nothing all day said that one plus of being out of work is you get to do what you want.

Which didn't make me feel as good as she probably thought it would. It brought to mind the song "Dead" by They Might Be Giants. 

Now it's over I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want
Or, I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do

Filling my days with what I want to do is not that fulfilling. Binging "New Girl" on Netflix is not as delightful an experience as I might have hoped, no matter the wonderful winsome charms of Zooey Deschanel.

Then I started contemplating my expulsion from work, my purpose in life, of being "taken off the shelf before the date stamped on myself".  I had hoped that maybe, just maybe, my job would be my job until I retired and/or died.

I fully expected this might happen if I actually reached retirement.

"Well, today is my last day. Yep, I'm ready for retirement. I've bought a boat that I named The Never Gonna Die and spend my time out on the water without a care in---ACK! ERK! My heart!"

And I would keel over and die.

Maybe it might happen if one of those options at the old job come through.

Or I might have to as a late middle aged man be forced to start all over at some different company where I will have to answer to some punk manager who is 25 years my junior.

And God help me, wear a paper hat.

At any rate, I feel has if I've been taken off the shelf before my expiration date.

And what of my old job? Am I missed? In a good way?

Or even in a bad way?

Did a large procession wave their torches as my head fell in the basket and was everybody dancing on the casket?

Not that I want a parade of former co-workers singing a chorus of "Ding dong! David is gone! David is gone! Ding dong! David is now gone!"

But at least that would mean someone knows I'm gone.

A loss triggers grief, including the loss of a job.

There are five stages of grief:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Here's something I've realized over the last week and I shared this with my therapist: the stages of grief are not necessarily linear. 

Within a half hour of getting the news of new unemployed status, I had worked my way down to acceptance. Two hours later, I was back to depression. A day after that, anger hit me really hard for a while.

Pretty much every day, I touch on at least every point along the five stages of grief and not necessarily in order. I think that the five stages of grief are arranged in a circle. And what I think will happen is over time the size of the circle will shrink with each pass around the circle. Eventually, the circle will become so small that there is only room left for one stage left. Hopefully that last stage left is acceptance.

Maybe I'll be OK?

I think I'll be OK. 

Right now, only a week out into being self employed, working at nothing all day, there is still room in the circle for all five of them.

This may take a while.

Apparently, I have time.

Stay safe and everyone remember to be good to one another.

Let's close this out with They Might Be Giants.