The Big Six O!

 Today is April 24th and it's my birthday.

Well, it's not just another birthday. It's what one might call a milestone.

Today I am...

I really don't want to say this.

I am old. 

Specifically I am 60 years old today.

Which seems so... weird.

In many ways, I have always been old. 

My body has always hurt. 

I have always wanted those kids off my lawn. 

My soup is always too hot or too cold. 

I have never understood these kids today.

Even when "today" was 50 years ago and I was 10.

Age 10 is the first milestone. While your age is still in the single digits, you can still cling to some vestigial fragment of being cute, adorable. When your age moves from 9 to 10, the expectations grow that you need to get your shit together.

A lot of my problems at the age of 60 stem from me not getting my shit together when I was 10. I never fundamentally answered that crucial question of what do I want to be when I grow up.  

Here I am at age 60, mere years from retirement, from fricking death itself and I STILL DON'T KNOW!  

Turning 20 can put a person in for an ass kicking. I know there are people who are ecstatic to drop "teen" from their age and be treated like a god damn grown up but fuck that. Look, being treated like an adult is a lifetime of being expected to hold down a job, paying your taxes and insurance and other shit.  

I was not ready to turn 20 to be treated like an adult because someone did not get their shit together at age 10.   

There's a certain magic for being in your 20's, the imprimatur of adulthood coupled with the energy and idealism of youth. Turing 30 is supposed to be the traumatic loss of that twenty-something magic. 

I don't remember how I felt when I turned 30 because I sucked at doing anything with my 20's. I remember kind of being struck by the fact that I turned 30 after that fact. "Shit! Did I turn 30 last month?" Perhaps I would've been paying more attention and noticed the death of my 20's but someone did not get their shit together at age 10.   

Turning 40 was a blur. It felt like turning 30 as far as any impact on my life. That was the decade the weight hit and came to stay. Before that, Dave-El was a moderately thin-ish person but starting at 40, the metabolism just fucking died and I became pregnant with twins. 

It's hard being 40 years old and the father of a young 3 year old daughter. Randie would try to convince me to do things.

Randie: "C'mon, Daddy! It'll be FUN!"

Me: "Fun? I am the enemy of FUN!" 

I'm not sure I can blame that on being 40. That was just me already being the ornery 60 year old curmudgeon I've always been in my mind, even way back when I was someone who did not get their shit together at age 10.   

I have zero memory of turning 50.  

Hey, I was writing this blog in 2013.  Surely I made some comment on the day.  Let's see, I posted this graphic on April 24, 2013: 

So THAT is what I thought about turning 50, eh? 

I did a post for my birthday the next year. Here's a graphic from that. 

I'm turning 60 today.  Will there in fact be cake? 

It's just Andrea and I here at the Fortress of Ineptitude and quote frankly, she's not good at surprises. I am not aware of her making or buying a cake so far. 

So I'm 60 years old. I'm still reading comic books and watching Star Trek and overall still being the same damn nerd for 6 decades now. 

And everything hurts. 

But everything has always hurt. 

This day is here whether I'm ready for it or not.

And I am not. 

Because someone did not get their shit together at age 10.   

Thank you for reading and I am so glad my suffering amuses you.