Exile Within the Fortress

For 24 hours, Andrea and I endured life here in the Fortress of Ineptitude without TV or the internet.

Here is the terrible tale of our endurance through this tumultuous time of loss in which we were forced to (shudder!) play board games. 

This saga of tragedy and torment began Thursday morning when both Andrea and I were working from our respective work desks at our respective jobs when I saw the yellow triangle of death on my computer screen.  

My internet? Why, it is a gone!   

I called out to Andrea in the next room and she confirmed the worst. 

She too was devoid of internet. 

We checked our phones which were also not connected to the internet. 

Being the technical experts we are, we went right to work to solve the problem.

1) We unplugged the internet.

2) We re-plugged in the internet. 

This did not solve the problem. 

This is when we became aware of voices outside the Fortress. 

I opened the front door and saw two workmen with shovels right at the spot where I know our fiber optic cable that provides our internet and television service is buried DIGGING A HOLE!!!

I stepped outside to see what the hell this was about. 

In the hole was a clearly severed cable.

I addressed the men.

• Who are you?
• Who do you work for?
• What are you doing?

One of the men stared blankly at me and said not one word.

The other man said "Nosotros no hablamos ingles!" 

Which is Spanish for "we do not speak English." 

And I don't speak Spanish except to understand someone is telling me they don't speak English.  

Andrea and I made calls to our respective bosses that our work was dead in the water due to a ill placed hole making an ill considered cut in our internet lifeline. 

Then I was on the phone to AT&T who provide our internet where I was easily able to make a connection to a real live person who was able to...

No the fuck I didn't!!! 

I got caught in automated phone hell as a recorded voice kept telling me that AT&T was running tests on our line and...

I just need to talk go someone and tell them there is a hole in the ground we didn't put there and resulted in a cut in our fiber optic cable we didn't put make and....

The automated system's voice recognition program did not seem to recognize words like "YES" or "NO". 

And for the record, also "FUCK" and "GODDAMMIT".  

(Not throw too much shade at AT&T for their furshlugginer phone tree. Every god damn corporation in America makes people navigate these insufferable  automated systems.) 

Finally because I got lucky and hit the right series of numbers (or the voice recognition program recognized "DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL"), I got to a live person named Victoria. 

Now I can't say enough nice things about Victoria. She was professional, patient and kind not to mention well spoken.  

But she still had Andrea and I unplugging and plugging cords and pushing buttons and what all for the purpose of turning a red light to green. 

It didn't work because the problem was not a cord or a button but a hole in the ground and a cut cable. Victoria said she would send out a technician at the earliest which would be between 12 noon and 4 PM on Friday.

Now both Andrea and I work with customers on the phone and we both know there is only so much that someone like Victoria can do. Getting mad or demanding a supervisor will not accomplish anything. 

I did make the case as calmly but also as emphatically as I could that our internet was not merely for our entertainment but facilitates us doing our jobs and we would be out of work for nearly 2 days. 

Victoria remained calm as she said she understood but honestly, the earliest available technician was for between 12 noon and 4 PM on Friday.

Andrea kind of likes her job and was stressed out to be missing work.

I am currently not as enamored with my job and greeted the situation more affirmatively. 

Except....

Our regular TV activities were put on hold. 

That night, I saw things, man! Things no man should see!! 

No TV. No internet. 

No internet? What are we, animals? 

Andrea pulled out a box. No! NO! Not the box!!!!

I saw the board game Sorry!

I SAW UNO! UNO, I tells ya!! 

And I lived!!! It was tough! It was hard!!! But I pushed through! I survived UNO, man!!!!

But when I close my eyes... damn it all to hell, it's still there in the dark corners of my mind! UNO!!!!!

(This seems like a bit much. Yeah, let's take a moment.)

...

...

(Oh, I started reading a book I got 2 years ago. That was nice. I'll write a post about it in a few weeks.)
...

...

The next day, Andrea and I looked at each other furtively, ashamed of the night of depraved debauchery we had experienced. We should say we're... sorry but that just bring up more memories of... the trauma...

(We need more time.) 

...

...

(I think we're OK now.)  

The next day, AT&T tech showed up at 1:00 PM and within a half hour we were back up and running again. 

So our nightmare came to an end.

And I am so glad my suffering amuses you.