Garden State

Today is National Gardening Day.

I will celebrate it by not gardening. 

A number of people I work with count gardening as a hobby.

To me, "gardening as a hobby" is like having "prostate exams as a hobby" or "doing my taxes is a hobby". 

By the way, April 15th is tax day which is tomorrow. Be sure to pay your taxes so we can pay for motherfucker Donald Trump's goddamn golf trips to Mar A Lago ever goddamn motherfucking weekend.

But I digress....

Where was I?

Oh yes, gardening.

Any potential love I had for gardening was beaten out of me when I was kid.  

My parents would try to grow shit I didn't want to eat like tomatoes and I was made to go out to the garden to weed or pick tomatoes. 

With salty sweat dripping in my eyes as I was beseiged by gnats. Yes, I was a whiny little bitch about it but come the fuck on! My childhood brain could only see this as some kind of hell.

And there are people who do this for fun?

I sort of envy those who can kneel on the ground and find peace and contentment, cultivating the nourishment of vegetables or the beautiful spectacle of flowers.  

I see people who find joy in gardening and I wonder what the hell is wrong with these people. 

Gardening is work.

It is hot, sweaty work. 

Beseiged by flies and bees and mosquitos and gnats! 

Oh, the gnats!  Which are attracted to the salty sweat pouring into my eyes!!! 

Gardening as FUN?!?!

There's a level of Hell where the scheduled torment is gardening! 

Me in Hell 

Demon: You have a choice of having this red hot poker rammed up your ass or gardening.

Me: (no response)

Demon: Well?

Me: I'm thinking it over!  

If you are one of those weirdos who find joy and contentment while gardening, well Happy National Gardening Day! 

And if like me you see gardening as a torment of heat, sweat and bugs, National Gardening Day can just fuck right off.

And I am so glad my suffering amuses you.