What the Health Is That?

So on a personal front, I went to the doctor last week for a medical check up.  

It didn't quite go as Andy describes in this clip from Parks and Recreation.

No one touched my weiner.  

Me: "Will need to touch my weiner?"

Doctor: "No."

Me: "Do you want to?"

Doctor: "Security!"

Seriously, from February when people got it in their heads the crazy notion of keeping me alive (it turns out, both blood pressure numbers are not supposed to be in triple digits), I have lost 57 pounds.

Which is a pretty damn impressive benchmark I guess but I can't take all the credit. Let's hear it for big pharma!

I'm on a Tirzepatide which I take as a weekly injection, designed to lower my A1C to mitigate my diabetes and to control my appetite.  I haven't changed what I eat as much as I control how much I eat.  

The biggest change in my diet involves reducing my consumption of sweat tea. I don't keep tea in the house and when I go out to eat, I drink water or lemondade or when I do order tea, I restrain myself to just one glass instead of downing endless refills.  

My blood work came back and I'm not quite completely fine. Cholesteral is still a bit high.

I am also not quite done with tests as I have appointments with

• a cardiovascular specialist
• a podiatrist 
• a weiner checker 

OK, I am kidding about that last one but I am on the hook for a colonoscopy at some as yet undetermined time in the future.

I am NOT looking forward to that. 

The doctor did offer Cologuard as an alternative. 

Me: "I don't want to poop in a box."

Doctor: "You don't poop in a box. You poop in the toilet and then you scoop that out into a bag and put that in a box..."

Me:  "I don't want to poop in a box."

Doctor: "Colonoscopy it is."

Me: "Will they need to touch my weiner?"

Doctor: "Enough about your weiner already!" 

All in all, my doctor was positive on my progress with weight loss and blood pressure.  It looks good.

I did not rate an assessment of "exceptional health".

You know like this motherfucker! 

So what's the deal with the devil horns?

It seems Donald Trump has plastered so much gold painted crap all over the Oval Office walls that it's hard for photographers to get a clean shot without a bunch of that crap in the background. 

In this case, the wing tips of a particularly garish eagle pop over the back of Li'l Donnie's head to form the devil horns.

So Donald went in for his 2nd annual physical last week.

Wait! Second?  Yeah, he already had a physical earlier this year. So why a second one? Who knows? But that's what the Trump team is calling last week's visit to Walter Reed Hospital.  

The one page memo that resulted from that visit was an assessment that Donald Trump is in "exceptional health".

Which I assume is a result you can get if the physical is just Li'l Donnie answering questions about his health.

"People say I have the best health of any President ever.  Better than Lincoln who was a tall lanky fellow who split rails. Many people don't know that. I had a doctor once, big strong fellow, tears in his eyes, come up to me and says 'Sir, thank you for being such a magnificent physical specimen'. I am immortal, like unto a god. MAGA!"  

Otherwise....  "Exceptional health"? Really?

What the unholy fuck! 

We can SEE! 

Look, I know from my own experience there is no way that Donald Trump is in "exceptional health". I'm overweight and he's way bigger than I am.  He's a big fat BLOB who is sure as hell not controlling his goddam appetite or getting any kind of exercise. 

The only thing "exceptional" I can perceive is that Death is making an exception despite Trump's egregiously poor physical state that we can all fucking see. 

Meanwhile, I've got my own problems. 

Me: "Seriously, if you need to touch my weiner..."

Doctor: "Damn it!"