Yes, Lettuce Away! When you need to get lettuce from over here to way over there, there's really only one quality choice for catapulting heads of lettuce across great distances!
Now no longer prohibited in Eastern Europe!
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My wife Andrea is afraid of salad.
The outbreak in several states of cyclosporiasis due to contaminated lettuce has left her more paranoid than usual of anything with any kind of lettuce.
I tried to assuage her concerns with math.
There have been 955 confirmed cases of cyclosporiasis in North Carolina since May 2026.
955? Whoa, that sounds like a lot.
But the population of North Carolina is 11.3 million so 955 case of cyclosporiasis represents .00845% of the population.
The odds of actually contracting cyclosporiasis are very, very, very small, almost infinitesimal.
But fear of explosive diarrhea is more motivating than math.
Not just diarrhea but explosive diarrhea!
.00845% chance of explosive diarrhea is still too damn high.
Which presents a problem for Andrea as her favorite meal is steak with a bake potato and a nice side salad.
She's paralyzed with fear on what to have instead of her salad.
And she's even questioning the beef.
But first another word from our sponsor.
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Why is lettuce the most religious vegetable?
Because lettuce pray!
Just a little taste of the humor we enjoy here at Lettuce Away!
Order online today or go to your local gun show.
When you need to get lettuce from over here to way over there..
That's Lettuce Away!
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In order to curb the high cost of beef, Donald Trump set up a deal to import beef from some place in some other country at a discounted price.
Which pisses off the cattle ranchers who voted for him and are now surprised der Führer has fucked them over. (Trump fucking over people who supported him is such a common thing, that's on your dumbass to be surprised by it.)
Which worries a lot of Americans is the source of this beef is sketchy as fuck and we have no idea where it came from or what it is.
FUN FACT: weeks ago, Li'l Donnie signed off on a plan to allow wild horses to be killed.
And now there is a mysterious supply of cheap mystery meat?
Now a word from our sponsor.
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Get a head of your friends and neighbors by buying Lettuce Away! today!
Our titanium steel spring load catapult is perfect for getting heads of lettuce from over here to way over there!
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Impress your friends!
Destroy your enemies!
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Back to Andrea and her fear of salad.
She wishes there was a respectable and unbiased source of information she could trust.
The C.D.C. says cyclosporiasis is under control.
But can we trust the C.D.C. to be on the level?
Robert F. Kennedy Jr looks and sounds like a man for whom explosive diarrhea is just another damn day.
Get a load of this (pardon the turn of phrase) shit?
Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro announced that the deaths of 2 infants in the state were attributed to measles.
RFK Jr. went on Twitter (or fuck it, X) to describe the governor as "giddy" when he made the announcment and claimed the data attributing those 2 infant deaths to measles was fabricated.
It should be noted that Gov. Shapiro is a Democrat and frequent critic of Donald Trump.
RFK Jr is in charge of the Dept. of Health and Human Services (and by extension, the C.D.C.) not because of any kind of skill or experience but for his loyalty to Donald Trump.
After that, the C.D.C. site that tracks diseases across the country updated their information on Pennsylvannia. They recorded the 2 deaths from measles but added an asterisk to that number, advising that the C.D.C. doesn't know this for sure.
Here is how this is supposed to work: the C.D.C. defers to the states' assessments of what they report without commentary or analysis. The states are obligated to do their due diligence to assess the diseases within their boundaries and the C.D.C. acts in an advisory capacity as needed.
Instead the C.D.C. data is influenced by RFK Jr.'s loyalty to Trump and his own ignorant obessession against vaccines. Both he and Trump buy into the myth that vaccines cause autism. Children dying from measles makes him and der Führer look bad.
So much for being non partisan and factual. The C.D.C. is subject to political influence.
So if the C.D.C. says that cyclosporiasis is under control, can we believe that?
Or any government institution under the sway of Trump?
SIDE NOTE: Back when this cyclosporiasis outbreak first came to light, the source of this infection was tracked back to heads of lettuce imported by Taylor Farms according to the FDA.
The CEO of Taylor Farms is a Trump supporter and some calls were made and...
Whoops! The FDA says it's not totally sure the cyclosporiasis was tracked back to heads of lettuce imported by Taylor Farms.
So Andrea remains afraid to eat salad.
Hey, it's our sponsor back again!
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You have a head of lettuce.
Your cousin three blocks away does not.
What can you do?
That's Lettuce Away!
Getting lettuce from here to way over there since 1957!
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Cyclosporiasis in our lettuce is not our only problem
It seems there is always some new food recall.
Jalapeños, blueberries, radishes and mangoes are among various foods that have been recalled due to potential contamination for Salmonella and E.Coli.
An outcome we all saw coming last year.
When Elon Musk and his DOGE goons were hacking and slashing away at the federal government, a lot of jobs were eliminated from the very agencies tasked to make sure our food would not fucking kill us.
Hey, RFK Jr, this is what fucking "giddy" looks like, you jackass!
So the government that is supposed to serve the people and our interests has been decimated by a reckless, stupid
And the government that is left is subverted to a political agenda to promote the interests of certain corrupt individuals over the needs of American citizens.
So we're left with Andrea afraid of salads.
And I can't talk her out of it.
And I'm not sure I should.
One last word from our sponsor!
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Why does lettuce always win the race?
Because it's always a head!
And you too can stay ahead with the affordable and easy to use Lettuce Away!
Order Lettuce Away! today and get yours 20% off by using the promo code DAVE-EL!
Hi! I'm Dave-El and when I buy a head of lettuce, I have to grapple with the question, "Do I throw it away now or wait two weeks?"
Whenever I am ready to get my head of lettuce from here to somewhere way over there, I trust Lettuce Away!
Lettuce Away!
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The lettuce catapult recommended by widowed Czechoslovakian goat herders!
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