The Lost DRAGNET Episode

And now, a scene from a previously lost episode of Dragnet starring Jack Webb as Joe Friday, Harry Morgan as Bill Gannon and special guest star Francis Bavier. ______________________________________________

DUM D-DUM DUM!
DUM D-DUM DUM DUM DUM!

The story you're about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed. For example, "Los Angeles police detective Bill Gannon" is really "Las Vegas exotic dancer Barbara L'Enchante".

____________________________________________

 

Joe Friday (narrating): It was Thursday afternoon at the Los Angeles Police Headquarters. It had been a slow day. I was catching up on some paperwork while my partner, Bill Gannon, was on the phone, something by chiffon with sequins. It was about this time that the call came in. Bill and I were to head to a nearby neighborhood to check into a bizarre case of robbery and vandalism. 
 

Friday: "C'mon, Bill. We have a case to investigate."

Bill Gannon: "Can it wait just a minute, Joe? I've almost done placing this order for a cocktail dress and fishnet tights."

Friday: "Bill, while we are still on the clock, our only duty is the citizens whose taxes pay our salary."

Gannon: "Well, Joe, when you're right, you're right."

Friday: "It's not about whether I'm right. It's about the right of Los Angeles' hard working citizens to the best police work we can offer."

Gannon: "All right, all right! I'm coming!"
 

Friday (narrating): "Momentarily, Gannon and I arrived at the house on a tree lined street. There we met a woman who had witnessed the theft and the vandalism."

 

Gannon: "So you saw the theft of your neighbor's prized pink flamingo collection?"

 Witness: "Oh, yes. What a horrible thing to do! Those were very beautiful flamingos."

Friday: "I'm sure they were quite fetching. And this person also defaced your neighbor's tool shed."

Witness: "Yes, I did! And it was a most distressful thing to witness."

Friday: “Ma’am, could you describe the suspect?”
 

Witness: “He was tall.”

Friday: “Tall?”

Witness: “Yes, tall.”

Friday: “How tall?”

Witness: “Very tall.”

Gannon: “Could you be a little more precise, ma’am?”

Witness: “Oh, I’d say 7 feet.”

Friday: “Seven feet?”

Witness: “Yes, that sounds about right.”

Gannon: “Seven feet tall?”

Witness: “Well, he may be shorter without the horns.”

Friday: “Horns?”

Witness: “Yes, horns. On his head.”

Gannon: “On his head, Joe.”

Friday: “I heard that, Bill. Ma’am?”

Witness: “Yes?”

Friday: “Anything else you can tell us about the suspect?”

Witness: “Other than the horns?”

Friday: “Other than the horns.”

Witness: “Well, not really.”

Gannon: “Uh huh.”

Witness: “Well, now that I think about it..."

Friday: “Yes, ma'am?”

 Witness: “Well, he had the red skin.”

Friday: “Red skin.”

Witness: “And...and hooved feet.”

Friday: “Hooved feet.”

Witness: “Oh, yes, and a forked tail.”

Friday: “A tail.”

Gannon: “A forked tail, Joe.”

Friday: “Got that, Bill.”

Witness: “And glowing eyes.”

Friday: “Uh huh.”

Witness: “And he smelled funny, too.”

Gannon: “How did he smell?”

Witness: “Like sulfur? Yes, brimstone.”

Gannon: “Brimstone.”

Witness: “Yes, brimstone.”

Friday: “Ma’am?”

Witness: “Yes?”

Friday: “You just described Satan.”

Witness: “Satan?”

Friday: “Yes, ma’am.”

Witness: “Why, I suppose so. Never thought about it until now.”

 

Gannon: "Well, that might explain the 'Satan Rules' graffiti on the took shed."

 

Witness: "Oh dear! I didn't realize..."

Gannon: “Joe?”

Friday: “Yeah, Bill?”

Gannon: “Think we should let the uniforms handle this?”

Friday: “1-Adam-12 patrols this neighborhood.”

Gannon: “Thank you, ma’am.”

Witness: “Anything I can do to help.”

Friday: “Yes, ma’am.”

Witness: “I do hope you catch him. And soon.”

Gannon: “Because he’s Satan?”

Witness: “Well, yes, and one other thing.”

Friday: “One other thing?”

Witness: “Yes, he wasn’t wearing any pants.”

________________________________________________________

 

Later, Satan was arrested and charged with littering, public indecency, theft, vandalism and shoplifting. He was tried in Los Angeles Criminal Court and sentenced to 150 hours community service.

 

Las Vegas exotic dancer Barbara L'Enchante performs nightly at the Sands with two shows on Saturday.

_________________________________________________________

Dave-El can also be found on Twitter at https://twitter.com/DayWayLo.

Doctor Who is NEW: "Nightmare in Silver"

Saturday saw a the debut of a new episode of Doctor Who with a lot riding on it: the return of Neil Gaiman and the Cybermen. Gaiman's The Doctor's Wife is considered on of the best Doctor Who scripts ever so there was a lot "what can he do for any encore" type of pressure. And Neil didn't do much to alleviate that pressure by declaring his story would "make the Cybermen scary again".

Oh, the Cybermen....or as I like to call them Not The Daleks. Now, that is admittedly not a fair assessment. In many ways, the Cybermen represented a more frightening concept; the Daleks would merely kill you while the Cybermen would use you for spare parts. The 2nd Doctor serial Tomb of the Cybermen and the 6th Doctor story Attack of the Cybermen are particularly effective at bringing forth the particular threat that Cybermen pose.

But other stories such as the 4th Doctor adventure Revenge of the Cybermen and the 7th Doctor's encounter with the Cybermen in Silver Nemesis were far less impressive; the latter story showed the Cybermen as bumbling automatons easily flummoxed by gold dust. 

With the revised series, the ultimate horror of being the target of Cybermen (the very painful transformation from flesh to metal) was a central theme (particularly the introduction of the emotion inhibitor, without which a Cyberman would go insane over what they had become). Still, in Russell Davies' Doomsday, when the Cybermen go head to head with the Daleks, its very clear that the Cybermen are very much outclassed.

So one can imagine the interest of Neil Gaiman's pledge that the Cybermen would be scary again. So did he succeed? Is Nightmare In Silver a worthy successor to Gaiman's The Doctor's Wife?
 
In a word....

Hold on! In case I blurt out something specific...

____________________________
SPOILERS, Sweetie!

____________________________

 
OK, where were we? Oh, yeah. In a word....

No.

But do I think that makes it a bad episode?

Read on....

The episode begins with the TARDIS materializing on the moon....except it's not really the moon but an intergalactic amusement park...which is abandoned.

The Doctor and Clara are joined by Angie and Artie* as they are greeted by a man named Wembley who shows his visitors one of his attractions: a hollowed out Cyberman who always wins a chess. 

*The two kids Clara is a nanny to back on Earth and no, we don't blame you if you don't remember that.

As chess club member Artie takes the challenge, the Doctor discover the answer to this little mystery: a chess playing master in the form a very small man named Porridge, hidden in a compartment and manipulating the hollowed out Cyberman. 

Also a military expedition has landed on the planet and gives the Doctor a pass when his psychic paper ID's him as a Proconsul to the Emperor, an Emperor who is missing.

Then things start to go wrong* as the kids get zapped into Cyber-comas, Wembley is not what he seems, long extinct Cybermen are started to become un-extinct, Clara somehow finds herself in charge of the military group with the express mission of not letting that group blowing up the planet (it seems they have a very, very limit range of solutions to deal with problems) and the Doctor confronts the Cyberman menace figuring they don't want him since he's a Time Lord and not human...and discovers that he's in error about that too.

*This is Doctor Who. Of course things go wrong.

There are good bits:

• Clara's take charge of the military expedition sees her approaching the wit and bravado of the version of Clara we met in Asylum of the Daleks.
• The Cybermen do some very cool things such as detaching and controlling various body parts.
• Warrick Davis. He is amazing as Porridge, the small man with a big secret.
• And Matt Smith's bravura performance as the Doctor...and his evil opposite number.
• And a scene where we get to see previous Doctors.

So where does this episode go wrong? Well, "wrong" may be too strong a word but I had some quibbles.

• The kids are not a big help here. They are cyphers at best, annoyances at worst.
• Maybe it was because I watched the episode late when I was tired but I found the plot confusing and contradictory.
• Enough with the Impossible Girl already! I want that overlong sub-plot to end.
• And then there are the Cybermen. As noted above, they do unexpectedly cool things with their Cyber-selves but are they scary? Not in the way Cybermen are uniquely scary. Their threat is obvious in their power and numbers but they might as well be simply Not The Daleks.

I did enjoy the episode for the most part. Again, outstanding performances by Smith and Davis and Gaiman's script is still a lot of fun with witty dialogue and clever situations. But if the goal was to have a "knock it out of the park" entry like The Doctor's Wife or truly ratchet up the scariness quotient of the Cybermen, this is where Nightmare in Silver falls short. In other words, it's biggest failing is simply not living up to the hype. It has to settle for merely being good. Neil Gaiman is mortal, after all.

________________________________________________

Be back here next week when Doctor Who Is NEW as we take a look at the next and last episode of the current series/season with The Name of the Doctor.

__________________________________________________


 

 

Our Love Could Not Stand: A Romance Tale Told in Tweets

Hi there! I'm Dave-El and this is my blog called I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You *

*also known on the street as The Notorious ISGMSAY, yo!


As I did with last week's Mystery Planet! A Sci-Fi Tale Told in Tweets, I've assembled another series of Tweets that form a narrative, this time made on April 20, 2013 under the hashtag #WeBrokeUpBecause. I suppose some people used the opportunity to post real life tidbits about who broke up with who and why. I imagine some were opening themselves up and laying bare some deep, lingering hurts.

As usual, I refused to take this seriously.

Collected in one place for the first time (with only a few minor edits), I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You is proud to present a romance story told in Tweets. A story of heartbreak and longing I like to call....

Our Love Could Not Stand

_________________________________________

It's been many years since I last saw you. My love for you was so deep & I still ache over its ending. But #WeBrokeUpBecause we changed...

At first we loved the same things: ice cream, long walks, Enya. We were devoted to each other. But #WeBrokeUpBecause I was sick of ice cream!

I like ice cream but every day? C'mon girl, I need some variety in my diet #WeBrokeUpBecause I think I was becoming lactose intolerant.

I still liked long walks but #WeBrokeUpBecause you didn't anymore. Why? After you lost your foot in the thresher accident, you became distant.

You always made excuses: "Its hard to walk with one foot." Why didn't you tell me the truth? #WeBrokeUpBecause you didn't love me anymore!

And we stopped dancing to the music of Enya. #WeBrokeUpBecause you used your missing foot as a crutch. Well, you used your crutch as a crutch.

You said mean things to me, said I was "self absorbed" & "lacked empathy" #WeBrokeUpBecause YOU were self absorbed; I mean, always with the lost foot.

I no longer felt loved. You were always distracted with, I don't know, your foot, I think? #WeBrokeUpBecause you didn't care about MY needs.

You'd say #WeBrokeUpBecause because I cheated on you. Would I have gone to another if you weren't caught up in losing your elbow..er, foot?

I can't believe #WeBrokeUpBecause I slept with your sister...& your other sister...& her best friend...& her best friend's cheerleader squad...

...and the cheer squad's coach...and HER sister...and her niece...and--let's just say #WeBrokeUpBecause we both made some mistakes, OK?

The pain is dim now but the love we shared is still a bright memory. In the end it was good that #WeBrokeUpBecause we had different paths...

Mine to sex addiction therapy, you into some kind of rehab or something for your lost...whatever. #WeBrokeUpBecause...well, does it matter?

#WeBrokeUpBecause we needed to grow. I became more sensitive to others & you learned to live without a...spleen, I think? I will never forget our love.
_______________________________________

Her foot, you jackass! Jeez!

OK, two other posts on my blog were taken from where I created a sequence of events thru connecting Tweets, The Mad Scientist's Lament: What I'm Tired of Hearing (March 8th) and The Mad Scientist's Lament: Things That Annoy Me (April 4th). Also, the blog post from May 7th, Life Would Be Better If...

When I start one of these Twitter narratives, I really have no idea where they are going so some stuff may shift from where I thought it might go in the beginning.

The ice cream thing was when I thought the reasons for the break up would go back and forth between two people. When I hit upon the idea of the poor girl losing a foot as a reason for not wanting to take walks anymore, the concept of the guy being a totally clueless jerk took hold.

OK, I like Enya. But I still thought it was a funny thing to single out as a mutual interest. I think I had some random thought there might be a dispute who actually owned the Enya CD collection they had shared but that fell by the wayside.

The only guiding factors that I follow when I do one of these sequences is to 1) use the hashtag in every Tweet so the Tweet HAS to relate back to that and 2) use at least 10 Tweets. I have not set an upper limit but 10 is usually where I stop; #WeBrokeUpBecause went for 14 (much to the annoyance of my Twitter followers, I'm sure).

This makes for an interesting writing exercise, especially if you don't care how many few followers you have.
______________________________________

Well, that's that for this post. Looking forward to a new episode of Doctor Who this evening. The latest posting of Doctor Who Is NEW will be on the blog by tomorrow.

_________________________________________

As always I can also be found on Twitter at https://twitter.com/DayWayLo

The Huff Post Hop for Friday, May 10, 2013

It's Dave-El!! Welcome to my blog, I’m So Glad My Suffering Amuses You! It’s time for #HuffPostHop, a pale imitation of the Daily Show but hell, you get what you pay for. Featuring laugh out loud commentary on headlines from @HuffingtonPost which was later lost so we hastily thought up this shit instead.

It’s the #HuffPostHop, brought to you by our new sponsor on

Twitter: Blurmph Inc, makers of...

• Blurmph
• Blurmph Lite,
• Antibacterial Blurmph and
• Chocolate Blurmph!

 

Blurmph: the heart and soul of America!

Headlines from Huffington Post commencing…….now!

#HuffPostHop “GOP Rep Giving Away Free Assault Weapon” All contestants must be registered Republicans and…let’s see here (looking through papers)…nothing on arrest records or mental health….that’s pretty much it, just be a registered Republican & for a chance to win a free automatic weapon. Good luck, you kill crazy people you!

#HuffPostHop “Benghazi Hearing Reveals Incompetence, But No Cover-Up” The GOP was NOT happy about that. “Incompetence? Damn, that’s our thing!”

#HuffPostHop “Red State Dems Show No Sign Of Budging On Background Checks” Crazy and/or criminal gun owners are 70% of the voters back home. You don’t want them to “vote” you out of office; that could kill a political career…and you.

#HuffPostHop “Shocking Paper On Hispanic IQ Has Think Tank On Defensive” Really, no offense was intended by this. Why some of their best friend’s gardeners & housekeepers are Hispanic.

#HuffPostHop “House GOP Passes Bill Loosening Overtime Laws” “All you poor, racist, under-educated people who voted for us? You’re welcome.” Your GOP: Working Hard For…Well, Somebody, We Think!

#HuffPostHop “Ugandan Priest Suspended For Denouncing Sex Abuse?” Well, that’s a real dick move!

#HuffPostHop “Cicadas To Emerge In Massive Swarms After 17 Years Underground” They can’t wait to catch up on the latest Spice Girl news! Me, this is the perfect time to practice my grandmother’s recipe for Cicada Casserole Surprise! (The surprise is the cicadas aren’t quite dead yet.)

#HuffPostHop “The Outrageous 'Honey Boo Boo' Wedding Menu” I anticipate there will be frequent use of gravy and many various Crisco-centric dishes.

 

#HuffPostHop “Man Swallowed By Angry Hippo Barely Escapes With His Life” Good thing the hippo wasn’t hungry,hungry. Still, that man shouldn’t have been hanging around that hippo while dressed as a giant marble.

 

#HuffPostHop “105-Year-Old Woman Says Bacon Is Key To Longevity” Is there anything bacon CAN’T do? (Answer: No.) Anyone who disagrees will have to fight me & my Mighty Sword of Justice...& Bacon! (Well, not really so much justice actually; I had to make room in the sword for more bacon.)

And that's this Friday's #HuffPostHop with Dave-El! Brought to you by Blurmph Inc, makers of Bacon Flavored Blurmph & Blurmph Wipes!

Dave-El can be found on Twitter at https://twitter.com/DayWayLo

For the real stories behind the headlines, go to The Huffington Post at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

Uh oh! He's In a Mood!

Why I Can't Sleep At Night

And now, I’m So Glad My Suffering Amuses You presents…

Top Ten Reasons Why I Can’t Sleep At Night

 #10: The monsters under the bed are installing a Jacuzzi.

#9:    If a gun under my pillow makes me feel safe so I can sleep, you'd think a rocket launcher would be even better but no!

#8:    It's hard to sleep knowing there could be breaking news about Jenna "Dharma" Elfman at any moment.

#7:   Isn't my grandfather clock supposed to have ringing chimes on the hour instead of an air horn?

#6:   Questions keep me awake: Who am I? What is the meaning of life? Would I like a nice Hawaiian punch?

#5:   My wife is snoring just like a grizzly bear. Well, that's what I get for marrying a grizzly bear.

#4:   I think my bedroom ceiling fan might be keeping me awake because it has a howler monkey hanging from it.

#3:   My ambient sound machine produces the sound of a gentle rain, a light breeze and the Chicken Dance.

#2:    My recent purchase of bed sheets made from recycled industrial sandpaper may have been a mistake.

And the #1 reason why I can’t sleep at night:  My before bedtime snack is jalapeños and Mt. Dew.

Thank you!

More to come...tomorrow!

Life Would Be Better If...

From a series of Tweets posted this past Saturday.

#LifeWouldBeAlotBetterIf I had some ice cream, maybe strawberry? Nothing fancy.Yes,

#LifeWouldBeAlotBetterIf I had some ice cream...

 

...brought to me in a bowl of pure silver. And #LifeWouldBeAlotBetterIf it was brought to me by my smoking hot model wife...




..and her smoking hot best friend! Yes, definitely #LifeWouldBeAlotBetterIf I had ice cream in a silver bowl brought to me by TWO hot women..


..while I rest by my beautiful swimming pool! #LifeWouldBeAlotBetterIf I had ice cream in a silver bowl brought by 2 hot women by my pool...



...behind my big honkin' mansion! Yeah, #LifeWouldBeAlotBetterIf I had ice cream, a silver bowl, TWO hot women, a kick ass pool & a mansion!




CARS! I forgot cars! Shiny powerful sports cars! #LifeWouldBeAlotBetterIf I had ice cream, silver bowl,2 hot women, a pool, a mansion & cars..

Oh, gotta have money! I wanna be a billionaire! OK, #LifeWouldBeAlotBetterIf I had ice cream....I need re-think this---screw the ice cream..

 

Brian W. Jackson‏@brianwjackson
@DayWayLo ...and all the powers of the universe and all deities

 

@brianwjackson No, I got this figured out #LifeWouldBeAlotBetterIf I had money, a mansion, swimming pool, sports cars, hot women..wait! Powers?

 

@brianwjackson Yes, the powers of the universe! #LifeWouldBeAlotBetterIf I had ultimate POWER to rule you ALL like a GOD! Ha! Ha! Ha!

 

Brian W. Jackson‏@brianwjackson

@DayWayLo ...and the ice cream.

 

@brianwjackson Oh, and ice cream. Yeah, it's all good.#LifeWouldBeAlotBetterIf if I had some ice cream. 

__________________________

A tip of the hypothetical hat once again to Brian for jumping in and adding to the fun. (And I really had no idea how was going to end this.)  Brian can be found on Twitter at https://twitter.com/brianwjackson

And I can also be found on Twitter at https://twitter.com/DayWayLo

Ice cream can be found in your local grocer's freezer section.