Caution: a big chunk of today's movie post will only be tangentially connected to the movie in question.
We're going to address our perception of the world we live in.
- Is it a good place?
- Are we better off than we were 144 years ago?
- What is the deal with that damn intestinal parasite anyway?
But other than all that...
It's Movie Time!
Today we look at a comedy/western from 2014 called A Million Ways To Die In the West, a film co-written and directed by Seth McFarlane who also starred in it and for all I know, also provided catering for the craft services table.
The movie also stars Charlize Theron, Neil Patrick Harris, Giovanni Ribisi, Sarah Silverman, and Liam Neeson which is damn fine solid line up.
Too bad it didn't result in a better movie.
But that's not what brought us here today.
About a week ago, a clip from the movie showed up on my Tik Tok page. It's one I've seen many, many times before on various social media outlets over the years.
The deal is Seth McFarlane's character goes on an extended rant about how life in the American West in 1882 completely and totally sucks. "Whatever isn't you is trying to kill you!"
For some damn reason, I can't imbed the clip in my post so click here to access this scene.
No big deal. Just letting off a little bit of snark and not even very original snark.
But...
The comment has gotten 150 likes and half as many replies.
The replies have been interesting.
About half of them commiserate that yeah, there’s a lot of stupid shit out to kill us in 2026 as it was in 1882.
Some of the commenters have referenced the current outbreak of cyclosporiasis or the “explosive diarrhea”.
Cyclosporiasi is an intestinal illness caused by a microscopic parasite called Cyclospora cayetanensis.
Trying to eat healthy by consuming fresh fruit and vegetables? This stuff can KILL you! Fresh produce can give you cyclosporiasi.
It's chili dogs and French fries for me, you fresh produce eating suckers! HA!
Diarrhea, stomach cramps, nausea and fatigue are some of the wonders that await you if you have cyclosporiasis.
Which fresh apple or cucumber does you in? You may never know! Symptoms can take hold anywhere from as few as 2 days to as much at 2 weeks after exposure.
And once you get this shit, you get shit! Literally!
You’re in for the long haul as the explosive diarrhea and other symptoms can persist for weeks.
And this is NOT a history report from 1882. This is happening NOW in 2026!
Does it seem wrong that a pathogen that would not have been out of place in 1882 is happening today 2026?
FUN FACT: the CDC stopped monitoring for the bug that causes cyclosporiasi a year ago. With indiscriminate inane fuckery from Donald Trump, Robert F. Kennedy Jr and Elon Musk, the part of the CDC that is supposed to keep watch for and mitigate diseases like cyclosporiasi was decimated.
So in my comment on this clip from A Million Ways To Die In the West, about half of the commenters do seem to concur that the struggles of life in 1882 are being echoed in 2026.
The other half wanted to know where I got off saying life in 2026 sucks as much as 1882.
One person wrote, "I bet you wrote this comment in an air conditioned house with indoor plumbing."
Well, yes I did.
Basically the tenor of the comments on this side boil down to me being a whiny, priviledged asshole who doesn't appreciate how good life actually is.
Well, actually, I am very much aware of and grateful for the ammenities of life that I enjoy here in 2026. Which adds to the frustration that I feel when,despite those privileges I can't help but feel that life can be, should be better.
I very much know I am in an air conditioned house with indoor plumbing. Which doesn't mean that as I look around at the world we live in, that I can't help but feel that life should be better than it is?
I should be able to venture out from my air conditioned house with indoor plumbing with living in fear of catching goddam explosive diarrhea from a fucking head of lettuce.
OK, enough about all that. What about the fucking movie?
Uh, what movie?
<checks notes>
Fuck!
It's Movie Time!
A Million Ways To Die In the West is an intermittedly funny film that explores and evisicerates the tropes of Western movies.
Think Blazing Saddles.
No, don't think Blazing Saddles. That's a beloved classic.
A Million Ways To Die In the West is... not.
I will admit I enjoyed it more than not but it is a disjointed, overlong film that's probably best enjoyed in fragments rather than as one holistic thing.
Seth McFarlane plays Albert Stark, a sheepherder outside the town of Old Stump, AZ. Albert is a kind, intelligent man which puts him at odds with the rough and tumble life out on the American western frontier. Albert is keenly aware of each of the million ways this chaotic existence in the west in 1882 is out to unalive you.
This timidity causes his girlfriend to break up with him.
Well, screw her because Charlize Theron just rode into town as a female gunfighter named Anna and she and Albert spark up quite the sassy friendship with a dash of sexual tension.
But Anna has a flint hard, villainous outlaw husband who has it in for Albert. Well, Albert thinks they could just have a chat like civilized gentlemen and resolved this peacefully without bloodshed.
But Anna's husband....
- is named Clinch Leatherwood
- and played by Liam Neeson.
So yeah, it looks like Albert's gonna die.
And so forth and so on and so on, etc, etc, etc.
Mostly the movie is there to hold together individual set pieces for Seth McFarlane to poke fun at Westerns.
There's a trippy sequence where Albert has been captured by an Apache tribe and consumes an entire bowl of peyote. He relives the moment of his birth and his childhood and Abraham Lincoln shows up for some reason?
Jamie Foxx from Quentin Tarentino's Django Unchained shows up to confront the owner of a carnival fair game that uses cut outs of runaway slaves for target practice. Spoiler: the owner does not survive. Well, he had it coming.
Here are some of the performances in A Million Ways To Die In the West that I want to call out.
- Charlize Theron as Anna has a breezy, casual demeanor that serves as an effective counterpoint to Albert's uptight persona. Her owning the shooting gallery game is epic. And she has standards for me who perform oral sex on her: no chewing tobacco. Men who chew tobacky will not get a snacky. (Hey, she said it, not me. But I do agree with her that chewing tobacco is so gross. As a kid, I had relatives who chewed tobacco. Yuck!)
- Giovanni Ribisi is Edward who is Albert's best friend. During one scene when a bar fight breaks out, Albert and Edward go off to the side to engage in a slap fight to mime they too are already involved in the bar brawl and no one needs to go over there. Edward also has a girlfriend named Ruth.
- Sarah Silverman is Ruth who in addition to being Edward's girlfriend is also Old Stump's most popular prostitute. Ruth has a laissez faire capitalist approach to her sex work. She will do anal but she charges more. Which she means she can buy nice stuff for her boyfriend.
- Alex Borstein is Millie, a madam at the local brothel where Ruth works. She is genuinely puzzled by Edward's devotion to Ruth. Borstein is the voice of Lois on Family Guy and was Susie on The Marvelous Mrs.Maisel.
- Neil Patrick Harris is effectively smarmy as Foy, Old Stump's resident snobby rich person. (Every Western has at least ONE person who dressed better than everyone and is pretencious as fuck.) Unlike the rest of the town, he has most decidely seen a whole dollar!
- Rex Linn is the Sheriff and the narrator. Rex is currently doing time on Happy's Place and was the school principal on Young Sheldon.
- Ryan Reynolds shows up as a poor namelesss schmuck to be killed by Clinch in a saloon. Don't look for Ryan in the credits.
- Is that really Gilbert Gottfried as Abraham Lincoln during Albert's peyote trip? Yes it is.
The score was composed by Joel McNeely who does a fantastic job evoking the sound of a classic American Western film.
But ultimately, the sum of the parts of A Million Ways To Die In the West do not meet the expectations set forth by those various parts.
Still, this whiny, priviledged asshole laughed more than I didn't so who I am to complain about this movie from my air conditioned house with the indoor plumbing while I hide from cyclosporiasis like it's 1882 and not goddam 2026?
I regret nothing!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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