Friday, July 14, 2017

Broken News For Friday, July 14th, 2017

Hi there! In a never ending quest to make you doubt the existence of a kind and loving God, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You presents...



 Yes, bRoKeN nEwS, a source of news satire that appears on this blog following the sacrosant schedule of whenever I feel the fuck like posting it. 


Today, bRoKeN nEwS is brought to you by....


MONEY!!!!



MONEY!!!!


Yes, MONEY!!!! IS the BEST invention ever! Get some today wherever fine, high quality money is sold! 


MONEY!!!!


So let's get on with the bRoKeN nEwS headlines in 5...


4...


3...


2...


__________________________________


Trump Tells French First Lady She's 'In Such Good Shape'
“Not as in good shape as Ivanka,” Donald added. “You can bounce a quarter off that ass. Believe me, I know.”


 Major Health Care Changes in the Senate GOP Bill

Good news: fewer people being screwed.
Bad news: more people being fucked.


Trump Defends Son's Meeting With Russian Lawyer

Russian lawyers are so much cheaper than American lawyers. 


Shia LaBeouf Apologizes for Racist Rant During Arrest

For everyone who thought Shia’s career was so bad, he couldn’t even get arrested, well, he showed you, didn’t he.


 Here's the Full List of Donald Trump's Executive Orders
  • Two Dorito Tacos El Grande (with large Mountain Dew)
  • KFC Extra Crispy 10 Piece Bucket (with large Pepsi)
  • KFC Extra Crispy 20 Piece Bucket (with large Pepsi)

  • Double Quarter Pounder (no pickle!) With Cheese Value Meal (with a large Coke)
  • Donald’s a stupid asshole but even he knows to avoid the damn mafia mandated pickle!  
  • Oh, also two Apple Pies (with another large Coke) 
  • AND two Oreo McFlurries (no large Coke; this time, large iced tea)
  • ALSO 20 piece Chicken McNuggetts (with a large Diet Coke; Melania’s making him diet).
  • AND another 20 piece Chicken McNuggets (and exchange this large Diet Coke for a large Coke, OK?) 
  • Two large Pepperoni pizzas from Little Ceasars with a box of chicken wings (and he has a BOGO coupon so make that FOUR large Pepperoni pizzas from Little Ceasars with TWO boxes of chicken wings (and a 2 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper) 
 
Prominent Christian Leader Proclaims Support for Gay Marriage
After all, gay married couples make the best lemon bars at church bake sales. 


Parisians Resigned to Hosting Trump for Bastille Day


Why is Trump in Paris? French President Macron lost a round of Rock/Paper/Scissors with Germany's Angela Merkel.


(Macron, you idiot! Merkel always goes for rock!) 



'RuPaul's Drag Race' Snatches Emmy Nomination


If RuPaul wins an Emmy, will he give a short speech or will he 


(wait for it) 


drag it out?


Get it? Drag queen? Drag it out?


 


 


I regret nothing!



I had an imaginary friend once. Then she stopped speaking to me. I knew it would get weird after we had sex. 

Don Jr. really likes it when you scratch behind his ear and rub his belly."Who's a good boy?"  

Explicit 'Walking Dead' Emails Reveal Intense Drama Behind The Scenes 

Looks like Negan was colluding with the Russians.  


Paul Ryan Vows To Update House Dress Code Following Public Outcry

Which is a good thing: Paul Ryan doesn't want to have to wear pantyhose in the summer anymore. 

And that is that for this installment of...

bRoKeN nEwS!


bRoKeN nEwS   is a production of I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Entertainment, a division of Dave-El Inc which can't be held responsible for this content as neither I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You Entertainment nor Dave-El Inc has taken it's meds today. 


bRoKeN nEwS  has been brought to by....


MEDS! 

You know that thing you got? Do you know what you need to take for it?

Yep! That's right!!

MEDS! 


For that thing you've got, don't forget to take your...

MEDS! 

Mmmmm. 

MEDS!  That's some good stuff there.  


If you do have some questions orcomplaints regarding today's 

bRoKeN nEwS , please confer with our complaint desk.  




Or not. Whatever.  We're not picky.  

Until next time, remember to be good to one another.   

And also remember...



Damn straight it is, huh?  


 



All Things Must Pass

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