When You Don't Want To Be On This Earth Anymore

“I really don’t want to be on this earth anymore.”


This is what “Saturday Night Live” cast member Pete Davidson posted on Instagram on Saturday afternoon. 


He went on to add, “I’m doing my best to stay here for you but I actually don’t know how much longer I can last. All I ever tried to do was help people. Just remember I told you so.” 


It was a message that caused his friends and social media followers a great deal of concern. Davidson’s battles with mental illness are a matter of public record, a fact he has spoken openly and even incorporated into his comedy act. 


But that plaintive statement on his Instagram was not a laughing matter. It was a message that brought Ariana Grande, Pete’s ex-fiancee, to the SNL studios in a panic. 


It was a message that drew a visit from a New York Police Department (NYPD) officer to make what is known as a "wellness check"  and that they "made contact” with Pete Davidson, who was confirmed as safe and sound, working on that night’s live show.    


Other a pre-taped segment, Davidson appeared on this week’s live episode only once, introducing the 2^nd musical performance of the show. Introducing the musical guest is a role usually reserved for the week’s guest host. Pete was not seen on stage during the closing “good night” segment where the cast, the guest host, the musical guest and others gather.  


“I really don’t want to be on this earth anymore.”


Pete’s OK, for now. But the battle against depression is not a single battle that can be fought and won. It is a daily battle and if you’re lucky, with enough love and support and the right kind of help, some wins are easy. Other days, winning is hard. And then there are the days, despite the love, the support, the therapy, the medication,  when victory over the darkness is not assured.


There is this voice that rumbles out of the dark places of one’s mind that speaks to you with forceful intent that the universe does not need you, does not want you so why are you still here?


I’ve heard this voice and some days, that voice is louder than on other days.  Even with luck, with enough love and support and the right kind of help, it’s a voice that fill the dark void like thunder and it is hard to resist.  Maybe you have the presence of mind to send up a flare, hope that someone sees it, hope that someone cares.  


This day, this moment, is a victory over darkness. The next day, the next moment even, each victory must be fought for and earned. The darkness is strong; each day, each moment, we have to find a way to be stronger. 


Good luck and God bless, Pete Davidson. Stay safe, stay well. It’s harder some days than others to do that but you are worth it.