How to tell you're an adult
• you gain 30lbs overnight
• you'd rather sleep than go out
• everything hurts
• comfort comes before style
• you have a favorite spatula
• everything feels like a chore
• college students look like 12yr olds
• you're always annoyed AF
Well, does this apply to me? Let's take a look.
• you gain 30lbs overnight
Oh God forbid if I should lose a pound but I can gain a good dozen or so just looking at a doughnut. There was a time in my late teens and early 20s when I was as skinny as a rake and boasted of my incredible weight defying metabolism. I would like to go back in time to that skinny version of me and slap me up side the damn head. "Incredible weight defying metabolism", my ass!
• you'd rather sleep than go out
This one is so true. I come home from work and immediately lie down for a nap. Not a quick nap, mind you, but a good solid sleep that you wake up from and question if reality has shifted around you. Yes, I would rather sleep than go out! Hell, I would rather sleep than go to the living room!
• everything hurts
My wife Andrea once admonished me that I do not have to saw "Ow" with each step I take. I countered that yes, yes I do because it hurts. And people around me need to know that.
• comfort comes before style
I used to care more if my clothes were color coordinated. Now, do they fit? Good! That's all I care about. As long as they fit, then fuck it: checks do go with plaid!
• you have a favorite spatula
No but I do have a favorite slotted spoon.
• everything feels like a chore
There is not any task so simple that it feels like a Herculean effort to get it done. Getting a bottle of water from the fridge? Oh, the turmoil, the struggle. Is the bottle of water near the back of the fridge? Then I might as well die of thirst. As we noted earlier, everything hurts.
• college students look like 12yr olds
My daughter is going to college with children!
• you're always annoyed AF
"Annoyed as fuck" is my default setting. Why? Because
everything feels like a chore AND everything hurts! Occasionally I am not annoyed as fuck. For those moments, I am annoyed as slightly less than fuck. But those moments are rare. Sitting here, writing this blog post? Annoyed as fuck.
OK, I am cranky and in pain.
I am an adult.
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