Another Dining Disaster Story

Sunday we went to Red Robin for lunch? Why? Because we have a Red Robin rewards card in my name and I get a free burger during the month of my birthday.

 

So… free burger. 

 

So my wife, daughter and I were shown to a booth. As I sat down, I quickly realized this wasn’t going to work. It was like asking the Hulk to sit at a kindergarten desk. 

 

I am, charitably, a big and tall guy. I’m 6 ft. 1 in. or 6 ft. 1 ½ in. when it’s a full moon. As for weight, I could lose a pound or two or ten or 100. But the space between the seat and the table in this particular booth was way too close, even if I was a smaller man.  

 

The hostess offered to re-seat us but felt compelled to add that all the booths are like that.

 

Well, let me call bullshit on that.

 

We’ve been to this Red Robin before which is probably why I could lose a pound or two or ten or 100. And we’ve been seated in booths before and I’ve never experienced this problem before. We were led to another booth in which I and my family were comfortably able to sit. “All the booths are like that”? Oh, fuck that. 

 

I am not in a charitable mood. I’m feeling fat. 

 

I once said I’m not battling my weight; I gave up that fight long ago. I’m at an age and position in life where mostly I don’t care. It’s not like I need to impress anyone with a more lithe figure. And as for health, as I get older, the more likely that something, somewhere is going to kill me and I see no need to face death on an empty stomach. 

 

But then I catch a glimpse of myself from just the wrong angle and wonder, good God, what the hell happened to me? Am I pregnant? With twins?

 

So that’s the mood I’m in when we are seated in a booth that fits. Which means I’m not ready to cope with what happens next. 

 

These guys get seated in the booth directly behind me. The restaurant is not by any means empty but there are more than a sufficient number of empty tables and booths around us without needing to sit one party immediately parallel to another party.

 

This unneeded proximity is enough of an irritant in my current state of mind. Then the guys began speaking.

 

Guy 1: Chatter! Chatter! Chatter!

Guy 2: Babble! Babble! Babble!

Guy 3: BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! 

 

I should stress this 3^rd guy was not yelling. He just had one of those voices that cries out, “Listen to my manliness! Your bones shall shake with the force of my awesome levels of testosterone!” In radio, we called this kind of speaking “the voice of God”. And this guy’s head was aligned with my head.  

 

Guy 1: I’ll have the bacon cheeseburger. 

Guy 2: I’ll have the BBQ burger. 

Guy 3: I’LL HAVE THE CHICKEN TENDER SALAD WITH THE BALSALMIC VINAGRANETTE DRESSING!

 

So this is what I had to cope with during lunch.  Tony Stark, Steve Rogers and THANOS, having lunch right behind me.    

 

And to make matters worse, after lunch, my wife and daughter needed to go… shopping.

 

And I’m so glad my suffering amuses you.