The Menace Of Doors And Porn

I have a silly theory that a main cause of school shootings is guns. You can have a mental illness, a bad family and watch too many violent movies or games which may make you want to shoot someone but you can’t actually fucking shoot someone unless you have something to fucking shoot them with. 

 

Like I said, it’s a silly theory. If I were to take the issue of school shootings more seriously, I would realize that the real menace that leads to school shootings is doors.

 

Yes, doors.

 

The lieutenant governor of Texas suggested that the big problem at the recent shooting at the Sante Fe High School was too many doors leading into and out of the school. 

 

Doors! Damn, why did I not see that?

 

Of course, maybe there is another cause of school shootings. 

 

“Pornography!” 

 

This insight comes from Rep. Diane Black (R), a 67-year-old running for governor of Tennessee

 

“It’s available on the shelf when you walk in the grocery store. Yeah, you have to reach up to get it, but there’s pornography there. All of this is available without parental guidance. I think that is a big part of the root cause.”

 

I have to wonder what kind of grocery stores do they have in Tennessee. Here in North Carolina, the closest I can come to porn in a grocery store is Cosmopolitan with covers proclaiming 57 guaranteed ways to mind blowing orgasms.

 

Not only not identifying which grocery stores actually sell porn, Black also didn’t clarify what it is about porn that she thinks is leading to school massacres.

 

I will say that when I was in high school, a lack of consistent access to quality porn left me feeling very stressed. I’m not saying I was prone to shoot up my school when I was a teenager but it was probably a good thing I did not have access to a gun. On the other hand, consistent access to quality porn may have left me feeling more chill. 

 

But I might be wrong. Silly me, I think fewer guns will lead to fewer shootings. How stupid could I be to not see that the answer is fewer doors and less porn.

 

Congratulations, kids of America, the problem has been solved and you are safe.

 

Perpetually horny with no easy way to enter and leave the school. But safe.