Suggestions For My Obituary

A couple of days ago, I took the day off from work because I felt...queasy. Now, noticed I didn't say "sick" because that would imply a lot of gross stuff that actually didn't happen. No, I was just queasy which I think may have been worse. Because I was queasy enough to think, "Oh God, I'm gonna hurl!" But then I never actually did. 

This was frustrating as hell because, as is the case with most people, I get no joy from hugging a toilet, particularly when you realize your head is going in the same space where your ass....or worse yet, someone else's ass...previously took a dump. But when the contents of one's stomach are having a riot, you just want them to get the hell out of the neighborhood. So it's very frustrating when those disruptive stomach contents don't want to leave.  

I realize as I move into paragraph three, I'm writing about acts of the human body I sure as fuck don't want to discuss with anyone or, for that matter, have discussed with me. It is a simple fact of human biology: all humans poop and, at some point, humans will have to throw up. I just don't want to know about it. I don't want to know its happening to you. Hell, I hate that I know it happens to me.   

Anyway, I spent 24 hours feeling like I had to throw up but not actually doing so. Not to say I didn't try. At first, I didn't want to. I was like the 10th Doctor just before he regenerated: "I don't want to go!" But there comes a point when the feeling is, "Oh to hell with it! Go already!" So I gave it the old college try. Although when it comes to throwing up, the old college try is usually preceded by 12 beers and a half bottle of vodka. 

But nothing happened. And I wanted it to. Damn it to hell, I wanted to engage in a good cleansing barf and get this the fuck over with already. 

Instead I just suffered with being queasy which has got to be the most weak kneed wussy thing any man has ever said. Nobody takes queasy seriously. Queasy can mean anything. You ate one chimichanga too many. You downed those whiskey shots too fast. You're worried that the hooker who just gave you a blow job may have been a dude. Then you really get queasy when you realize you don't care. Then that queasy feeling really punches you in the stomach when you're forced to see that your entire life is a lie built on a crumbling foundation of cheap Mexican food, cheap liquor and cheap sex with cross-dressing prostitutes.  

You know, stuff like that. 

But to have people take "queasy" seriously, it's got to be because of something really big: the flu, stomach virus, chemotherapy, standing next to Donald Trump.  

So I lost a day to feeling queasy and I don't know why. I did not feel like hell, just outside the borders of hell, just enough to avoid the pokey sticks but still catching a whiff of the brimstone ambiance. It's times like this when I feel that the worse outcome of however I'm feeling is that it WON'T kill me. 

Speaking of things killing me, how about some re-heated Tweets from over on my Twitter which can be found here: 

Dave-El ‏@dave_el1938.  

A few weeks ago, #MyObituaryShouldInclude was a hashtag trending on Twitter. So I present you with some of my contributions to this topic.  

1. #MyObituaryShouldInclude "Funeral arrangements listed below so you can offer your condolences and/or make sure the bastard's really dead."
2. #MyObituaryShouldInclude "Dave was a kind-hearted person who loved everyone. Except for the following list of assholes." (It's a long list.)
3. #MyObituaryShouldInclude "Dave had a wonderful singing voice as well as a girlish scream of terror when the camels trampled him to death."
4. #MyObituaryShouldInclude the recipe for a chicken cheese bake casserole in case news of my death makes people hungry
5. #MyObituaryShouldInclude "Dave was loved by many, an avid soccer...wait, I'm thinking of Dan, not Dave. Dan was a great guy. Uh, RIP, Dave."
6. #MyObituaryShouldInclude "Dave really liked pie, ironically."

Well, I think I've done enough damage around here today. I'll be back with another post tomorrow. In the meantime, remember to be good to one another and whatever doesn't kill you will try harder next time.  

Dave-El

I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You

What the Fahrvergnugen?

Hi there! I'm Dave-El and welcome to I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that is just as awesome in testing as it is when you actually read it. 

Boy, people are upset over that Volkswagen thing. It seems 11 million cars world wide are affected by VW's gaming of the system to confirm cars are meeting emissions standards. Software made the cars run under strict emissions standards when being tested but not so much when actually out on the open road. The thing is that's pretty damn clever. Granted, clever in the service of EVIL but still. It's like in Calvin and Hobbes where Calvin would come up with some convoluted scheme involving robotics or time travel to get out of homework or cleaning his room. In the time it took to work out the details of his plan, Calvin could've finished his homework or cleaned his room. In the time and effort it took VW engineers to figure out how to trick the emissions test, those same engineers could've figured out a way to make their cars compliant with emissions tests.  

Instead Volkswagen is now or will be subjected to recalls, fines, class action lawsuits, a loss of sales and damaged credibility.  It's that last one it's hard to put a price tag on but it's the most valuable asset a company can have. And of all the car companies in the world, VW had a lot of goodwill with a lot of consumers. As the frequent victim of my daughter's games of Punch Buggy, I know there are A LOT of VW Beetles out there.  

And this is the thing that bothers me whenever any company gets caught doing something like this. Are the rewards for cheating the system or cutting corners or not meeting standards really worth the potential costs? I don't know how much money VW made or saved with each car that was tricked out to avoid accurate emissions testing but consider the costs to the company for their actions. Not just in the out of pocket expenses for fixing the problem, paying fines and settling lawsuits but in the costs to reputation. How many sales will be impacted by this scandal? Not just sales lost but those made with deep discounts to entice a customer to stay with Volkswagen. 

Yet time and time again, companies will do this, engaging in a practice to reduce costs and increase profits that ultimately does more damage than good, costs more money that is made, perhaps even affecting that company's ability to stay in business.  

I don't think Volkswagen is in mortal danger but its reputation for building a dependable and economical car that is also environmentally friendly has taken a big hit and it's a cost that outweighs whatever gains they were seeking. Really, VW, what the fahrvergnugen were you thinking? 

Everyone be good to one another. I'll be back with another post tomorrow. 

Donald Trump Is Not a Party of One

A few days ago, a New Hampshire man engaged in an anti-Obama, anti-Muslim rant at a Donald Trump appearance. Trump made no effort to correct the man.


And why should he? It was Trump himself who provided a lot of fuel to the birther movement fire from the beginning of President Obama’s time in office. And it’s morons who still insist that Obama is a Muslim and was born in Kenya who continue to bolster Trump in the polls. 

Donald Trump still leads the GOP race. One poll (NBC) has Trump ahead at 29% of Republican voters. After that comes Ben Carson (14%)  and Carly Fiorina (11%). Another poll  (CNN) has Trump at 24% with Fiorina and Carson switched at 15% and 14% respectively.  Meanwhile, the players in the Republican field who were supposed to be the actual big story of this campaign---Jeb Bush, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Scott Walker*—are all trailing in single digits.  


*Alas, Scotty, you heartless bastard, we hardly knew ye. Monday, Scott Walker ended his campaign for President due to a lack of funds. That and also an inability to out-crazy Donald Trump.

So what does any of this now have to do with what’s going to happen next year when the actual primaries kick off? In one sense, this is much ado about nothing. I can’t imagine any scenario where Trump, Carson or Fiorina will actually win enough primaries…if they win any primaries at all…to take the GOP nomination.


But there is a lot of damage being done right now to the Republican chances of taking about the White House come November 2016. It’s not just the toxic nature of Trump comments and actions that are poisoning the GOP well but the fact that this is a party where the rank and file are embracing that toxicity. Even if Jeb Bush and company can distance themselves from the carnival spectacle of Cirque de Trump, they’re still representing a party of which a third actually embraced what this nut job was selling.


In other words, the GOP cannot write off Donald Trump as a lone voice when there are a large number of people in the party who echo that voice. Trump is not a party of one.


Let’s say, I don’t know, Marco Rubio survives all of this and nabs the nomination. Even if he talks the talk and walks the walk that could bring Latinos in line with his campaign, those same Latinos can also see that a good chunk of Marco’s party doesn’t share in his magnanimous view of Latinos.


And not just Latinos but Asian and Middle Eastern immigrants can also see that no matter what one person says, there’s a strong anti-immigrant mood in the Republican Party. 

Of course, the GOP has only itself to blame for this toxic meltdown of their party. For years, Republican leaders have stoked the fire of anger in their base of support. Oddly enough, what GOP voters were angry about did not necessarily align with what GOP politicians were looking to do.

For example, consider gun rights. Every election cycle, voters are worked up in a frenzy that Obama and his ilk are coming any moment now to take their guns. Meanwhile, any actual legislation to limit access to guns or curb gun violence gets nowhere in Congress.


Or take health care reform. The drum beat continues on that Obamacare is the ultimate evil and must be repealed; the base of GOP voters are enraged to think that Obama and the liberal Democrats are taking away their freedom so they vote for people who promise to vote to repeal Obamacare. Yet no vote has actually accomplished that. Yeah, a GOP congressperson can truthfully tell his constituents that he voted to repeal Obamacare but with no actual concern that it will actually happen.


Or consider the extreme right wing of the GOP, the Tea Party types, who think taxes are too high and the government is all up in their business. Meanwhile, GOP leaders are seeking less taxes and less government regulation but not  for the grass roots of the Tea Party movement but for the richest and most well off.


So what happens when your voting base gets riled up year after year but nothing changes? That base is going to grab hold of someone they think is listening and might really do what they want to do. Trump, not playing by the rule book of a Presidential candidate, is that choice.


No, Donald Trump will not be the GOP nominee. And if by some freakish fluke of fate he does get the nomination, he will not win the Presidency. But whoever does wind up leading the Republican Party will have to answer for that party, the one that to a significant degree embraced Donald Trump and his rhetoric. The damage is done and it’s been a long time in coming.  Again, Trump is a not a party of one. At least a third of the GOP says otherwise.


Everyone, be good to one another. I'll be back with another post tomorrow.


Dave-El
I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You

Meanwhile and Elsewhere...

While I was kind of/sort of away during last week’s Doctor Who Week, what’s been going on in other areas of questionably lesser import?

News_____________________________

• Donald Trump is still stupid and still leads in the polls.  
• Too many Syrian refugees still have nowhere to go.          
• Too many people still got shot in the United States.
• KY Clerk of Court Kim Davis is still a douche.
• House Republicans still think that shutting down the government is a good idea to get their way even though that never works.

In other words, same shit, different week.

So let’s move on…

Entertainment_________________________

The hysteria CBS induced has died down a bit but Stephen Colbert is still rocking the Late Show with sharp comedy and even sharper interviews (at least with the non-Hollywood set.) Meanwhile, Stephen’s best bud from over at Comedy Central, former Daily Show host Jon Stewart, showed up on Capitol Hill to try to get Congress to agree that providing health care assistance to first responders from 9/11 is a good idea and actually fund that program. Depressingly for Jon Stewart and other normal human beings, it was a bit of an uphill battle.

Likely the same people who are being recalcitrant about funding the first responders health plan are also the types who would question climate change which means that won’t be listening to another former late night talk show host. It seems that a documentary about climate change on the National Geographic channel will be hosted by…David Letterman. Yes, Dave’s 1^st gig post CBS Late Show is a documentary on National Geographic.

Oh, and Dave will be doing this in India.

So that’s a thing.

Comics_____________________________

DC cancelled a bunch of comics including one of the smartest, well done books DC publishes, Omega Men. Writer Tim King thought he had at least 12 issues to tell his tale of terror and treachery. But Omega Men ends with issue #7. Until, that it is, it was UNcancelled. DC co-publisher Jim Lee noted that the fans were promised 12 issues, DC is going to deliver 12 issues. So good on DC for making a good decision. Maybe this brush with death will boost Omega Men's notoriety and increase sales.  

Still on the chopping block is (and this one breaks my heart!) Batman ’66. I have enjoyed the hell out of this book and as much as I am down with Snyder & Capullo on the main Batman book (even with Jim Gordon as Giant Blue Bunny Batman!), I would say that Batman ’66 is my favorite Batman book. So naturally it has to go. Yeah, there’s a couple of special projects with our Batman ’66 gang. (A crossover with The Man From UNCLE, for example) but it’s not the same as seeing Jeff Parker and company continue to mash up the Batman TV program with comics mythology on a consistently clever basis month after month. 

On the subject of DC and Batman, there was the welcome announcement that Bill Finger, the writer acknowledged but not credited as the true creator of Batman, will receive credit in this upcoming season of Gotham over on FOX and next year’s Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice. What form that credit will take is unknown at this time but it’s a very significant step forward in officially recognizing Bill’s role in the creation of arguably the greatest comic book character of all time.

Over  at Marvel, Secret Wars will never, ever end. 

Doctor Who _______________________

Yes, even as daily Doctor Who posts were appearing on this blog last week, there was breaking Doctor Who news, specifically the announcement that Jenna Coleman will no longer be playing Clara Oswald after Series 9 is through. Apparently she’ll be playing a teenage Queen Victoria for a big production over on ITV. There seems to be some questions about the details of her departure. I could’ve sworn I heard that Jenna was on the set of the Christmas special but I’m hearing reports that say she was not. Furthermore, the word is that Jenna will be leaving Doctor Who during Series 9, suggesting an exit before the actual end of the season. How will all this play out? Your guess is as good as mine.

So that’s enough catching up for now. Thanks for dropping by. Remember to be good to one another and I’ll be back here with another post tomorrow.

Dave-El

I’m So Glad My Suffering Amuses You

Doctor Who Is NEW! - The Magician's Apprentice

Doctor Who is back with all new episodes, kicking off it's 9th series since the show's 2005 revival with The Magician's Apprentice which aired Saturday night. Peter Capaldi is back for his 2nd year as the Doctor while Jenna Coleman tees off her 3rd...and final...year as companion Clara Oswald. 

So how does Series 9 look coming out of the gate? I'll take a look at that but first, I must put up a spoiler caution. 

And now here we go in 5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

The Magician's Apprentice 

by Steven Moffat 

Things kick off on a scary battlefield with a young boy trapped among some wicked scary things called "hand mines". By the ways, hand mines are deathly grey hands with eye balls in the palms that pull you underground. Not a nice way to go. But the Doctor is there to save the young boy. Then he finds out the name of the boy he's trying to save. And that piece of information is NOT good news to the Doctor. 

Next: a creepy dude called Colony Sarrf who just glides around (creepily, duh!) looking for the Doctor. He pops up on the Maldovarium, at the Shadow Proclamation and before the Sisterhood of Karn. Colony Sarrf is not a nice.... whatever he is.  

We shift to Earth where airplanes are frozen in time in mid-flight all over the world. UNIT calls the Doctor (natch!) but the Doctor isn't answering (isn't that always the way?) so UNIT calls in...Clara Oswald (because, why not?). Then the person behind the time frozen planes is revealed to be...Missy. 

Yes, Missy who is supposed to be dead but isn't, big surprise, let's move on. (That is exactly how the question of Missy's escape from certain death last season is addressed.)  

Missy is in receipt of a very important communication from the Doctor, something called a Confessional Dial. It is the last will and testament of a Time Lord who is about to die. So Missy and Clara team up (kind of/sort of) and the Doctor is found, having one bodacious kick ass party in a medieval castle. And this is where you discover that even though you never knew it, you've always needed to see a sunglasses wearing Doctor riding in on a tank flailing away at an electric guitar.   

The Doctor is reunited with Clara and Missy but Colony Sarrf shows up as well and if you're wondering why a single person is named Colony, it's because Colony Sarrf isn't a single person and is, in fact, also not a person. Colony Sarrf scoops up our trio for a meeting with his boss:

Davros, creator of the Daleks. 

And he's on Skaro. 

And Skaro is once more overrun by Daleks.

It is a meeting that becomes less pleasant for the Doctor as he forced to witness the Daleks executing Missy and Clara. And then we're back on the battlefield from the beginning of the episode.  The frightened boy among the hand mines is confronted by the Doctor holding a Dalek weapon aimed at the boy. And the Doctor's last word before we fade to black?

Exterminate. 

To be continued. 

Arrrrrrrgghhhh! 

Once more, I must proclaim the terrible news that MOFFAT IS EVIL!!!! Evil, I tells ya!

First of all, scary stuff, OK? You know how Steve Moffat loves to take mundane things and make them scary? Let's try that with hands! Yes, hands! The hand mines have got to be the most creepy thing ever in Doctor Who. 

Or maybe the 2nd most creepy thing because there's Colony Saraf who is an alien humanoid except when he uncoils to reveal his true snake form and all the other snakes that live about him. OK, snakes were already scary. Did the Moff actually make snakes scarier?  

Then there's the ridiculous. Missy freezes airplanes in time just to get attention? Missy is her usual madcap homicidal self and no one can match her in the wacko gonzo department. 

Unless you count the Doctor himself. His over the top entrance into the medieval castle with a tank and an electric guitar is about as bizarre and surreal a thing the Doctor has ever done. And that's on top of introducing the word "dude" into the English vocabulary several centuries early.  

But for all the frivolity, there is a heavy sense of dread that hangs over the proceedings. At the very start, we learn the name of the boy the Doctor is trying to save: Davros. Later we learn the Doctor's secret shame: he didn't save him. 

Davros knows. Davros remembers.   

The Doctor finds himself caught in a Gordian knot that pulls tighter and squeezes him from all sides. He watches as Missy is exterminated, then Clara. Then he pays witness to the Daleks' destruction of his TARDIS. Bit by bit, piece by piece, the Doctor is being stripped of all hope. 

I will note that this episode is heavy into Doctor Who continuity. The places that Colony Sarrf hunts for the Doctor are all from previous episodes: the Maldovarium (last seen in A Good Man Goes to War), the Shadow Proclamation (last seen in The Stolen Earth) and the planet Karn (last seen in The Night of the Doctor). 

We also get audio clips from the 4th Doctor (Genesis of the Daleks), the 5th Doctor (Resurrection of the Daleks), the 6th Doctor (Revelation of the Daleks), the 7th Doctor (Remembrance of the Daleks) and the 10th Doctor (Journey's End). In fact, we get a full on video clip of Tom Baker as the 4th Doctor confronting Davros. If you're a long time Doctor Who fan, these are very cool moments. If you're not, it may seem a bit too inside.  

All in all, Steven Moffat pulls out the stops for a wild, thrilling and yes, perplexing adventure that makes me anxious to see how things turn out next week.  

I'll be back with another post tomorrow and more Doctor Who next Sunday when I review the The Witch's Familiar. 

Until then, be good to one another.

Dave-El

I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You

Doctor Who Week: The Stuff Memes Are Made Of

The countdown of days is over. Now, as this gets posted on I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the wait for Doctor Who Series 9 is down to a matter of hours. 

I'm Dave-El and I don't always deal with the polarity of neutron flows but when I do, I reverse 'em.  

Doctor Who Week has skipped along the calendar and dropped us off, at last, on Saturday, September 19th. Later tonight, The Magician's Apprentice will debut and with it, Whovians will once more have all new adventures of the Doctor and Clara.  

Until then and for today's post, I want share a few Doctor Who memes I've picked up from around ye olde World Wide Web.  

OK, that's it for today. I'll be at Geeksboro Coffeehouse and Cinema for tonight's Doctor Who debut and then I'll be back here tomorrow with a review of The Magician's Apprentice. 

Until then, be good to one another. 

Doctor Who Week: A New (and Short) Adventure with the Doctor and Clara

Hey, hey, hey! I'm Dave-El and this is I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, winner for the 3rd year in a row of the Best Blog Award by Delusional Bloggers United.  

Doctor Who Week continues to roll towards the premier of Doctor Who Series 9 on Saturday, September 19th.  

A brand new adventure of the Doctor and Clara will be coming around tomorrow! Yep, we're so close now! 

But if you honestly cannot wait ONE MORE MINUTE for a new Doctor Who story, here's this: 

Frenzy of the Fast Food Foe

by David Long 

Scene opens: Exterior, a fast food restaurant in America, way too colorful, way too bright. 

Scene change: Interior of the fast food restaurant. Lots of patrons at tables, others in lines at the counter. We follow one of those lines to the front as we see someone walking away from the counter. We hear a woman's voice. 

Woman: I can help the next customer please! 

The man at the front advances and we see the woman behind the counter. 

Clara Oswald: Hi! Welcome to McDaffy's! May I take your order? 

As the customer begins to place his order, our view pulls past Clara to the activity in the kitchen behind her. Among the variety of people scurrying around, the thin man with the silver hair and the angry eye brows tends to stand out.  He seems quite absorbed in the workings of one of the deep fryers. A black woman with a name tag that identifies her name as "Rochelle" and her title as "shift manager" approaches. 

Rochelle: Hey, scarecrow! 

The Doctor: Huh? Oh! Sorry! Name's Smith. John Smith. 

Rochelle: I don't care if your name's Donald Trump! I told you to drop a half dozen McDaffy Fish Fritters and two dozen Chicken Chunks!  

The Doctor: I was just noticing your deep fryer! I could modify it to improve efficiency by 27 percent!

Rochelle: I'm gonna modify your head if you don't drop those fritters and chunks right now!

The Doctor: Yes, ma'am. 

The Doctor begins opening packages and dropping the frozen food objects into wire racks.  

Rochelle: Can't believe the temp agency sent me someone from England! 

The Doctor: Gallifrey, actually. 

Rochelle: Gallifrey? Where's that? 

The Doctor: Er, Scotland. 

The Doctor lowers the wire racks into the boiling oil of the deep fryer.  

The Doctor: We're really good at fryin' things in Scotland. 

Rochelle: I'm not seeing much frying so far! I can't believe both one of my cashiers AND my best fry cook won the lottery at the same time! 

The Doctor: Yeah, weird. 

Rochelle: I didn't even know they were playing the lottery!

The Doctor: Go figure. 

Rochelle: At least that girl the agency sent over with you seems to be working out all right. 

Our view moves back to the counter where Clara completes an order. 

Clara: With the McDaffy McChoco Frozen Blast, that comes to $13.95. Anything else I can do for you today?  

The customer wearing a black Superman t-shirt hands her a five and a ten. 

Steve: My name's Steve. 

Clara (taking the money): Hi, Steve.

Steve: You're new?

Clara: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah. Well, uh, wow! Um...here.

Steve hands Clara a card.

Steve: I know this is, like, really strange and I don't want to seem creepy or something but...here's my number. 

Clara tentatively takes the card.

Clara: Okay.

Steve: You know, to, er, call me. If you want.

Clara (smiling): Here's your change, Steve.

Steve: No, no, keep the change. Uh, nice talking to you.

Clara: Steve?

Steve: Yes!

Clara: You're forgetting your food.

Steve: Food? Oh, right! Food!

Steve picks up his tray.

Steve: Sorry. Er, thanks.

Clara (waving and smiling): 'Bye, Steve. 

As Steve awkwardly leaves, Clara drops Steve's card in a small box underneath the counter with all the other cards and pieces of paper with all the phone numbers Clara's been given today.

Clara: I can help the next customer please! 

Back in the kitchen, the Doctor is covertly (as much as the Doctor can be convert about anything) scanning with his sonic screwdriver. Suddenly, the Doctor hears a beeping sound. He holds the screwdriver up to his ear.

The Doctor: Hmmm! Not coming from the sonic....Oh! Fries are done!

Rochelle (voice): Hey, scarecrow! Fries are done!

The Doctor: I'm on it! 

As the Doctor removes the fries from the fryer, he hears a "Psst!" sound behind him. He turns towards the sound.

Clara: Doctor!

The Doctor: Clara, I'm busy! I've got to get these fries out, grill some McDaffy Buster Burgers and find the source of the alien incursion! 

Clara: How much longer is this going to take? All this grease is not good for my hair and I've gotten the phone numbers of 37 men, 2 of which included marriage proposals!

The Doctor: Really? Marriage proposals? Why would they do that?

Clara: Because...hey!

The Doctor: Look! I've tracked Zygon activity to this restaurant and I've got to get up close if I've going to figure out who's a Zygon!

Clara: What would a Zygon being doing here in this place?

The Doctor: Don't know. Particularly busy restaurant, lots of food...well, food-like substance going out to a lot of people. Possible poisoning? Except I've scanned all the food supplies and I haven't found any anomalies.

Clara: Well, find something quick, I...

Rochelle (voice): Clara! Need you back at the front!

Clara: Really, really, REALLY want to get out of here!

Clara turns and leaves. Then we hear her voice from off camera.

Clara (voice): Hi! Welcome to McDaffy's! May I take your order? 

Meanwhile, the Doctor returns to his twin duties of fry cooking and scanning for alien stuff.

The Doctor (muttering): I know Zygons are here! What are they up to? It can't be the food, I've checked for....

The Doctor stops with an expression of dawning realization. Then he slaps his forehead.

The Doctor: I am so stupid! Anomalies! I found NO anomalies at all!

The Doctor moves through the cluttered kitchen to Rochelle.

The Doctor: Rochelle?

Rochelle (irritated): What now? 

The Doctor: When was the last food supply delivery?

Rochelle: This morning! And why do you...?

The Doctor whips out his sonic screwdriver.

The Doctor: Because I'm not detecting ANY anomalies at ALL!

Rochelle: What the hell is that damn fool thing? And what are you talking about?

Clara approaches.

Clara: Doctor, did you find something?

Rochelle: Doctor? Girl, don't be mixed up with this fool!

The Doctor: No anomalies, Clara! Nothing different at all! The Fish Fritters, the Chicken Chunks and the Buster Burgers have no differences between them AT ALL!


Rochelle: What are you talking about?

Clara: They're all the same....stuff?

The Doctor: Exactly! Identical bio-matter laced with Zygon DNA! It molds itself to look, taste and smell like different types of food!

Clara: But why?

Rochelle: But nothing! You two are nothing but trouble! Both of you, get--

Off screen we hear a loud ARRRRRRRGGHHHHHH! and a mixture of screams. 

Rochelle: Oh what the damn freaking hell is it....Oh sh-

Rochelle, the Doctor and Clara not to mention everyone else is staring at the hulking red form of a Zygon wearing the tattered remnants of a black Superman t-shirt.

Clara: Steve?

Rochelle: Oh my God! It's an alien! 

A lot of patrons and workers run screaming from the restaurant.  The Doctor rushes forward, scanning the Zygon with his sonic screwdriver.  He checks the readings. 

The Doctor: Interesting! Still human inside! But outwardly, a Zygon!

Suddenly, other customers and workers roar in pain and shift shape into Zygons! The Doctor is frantically scanning all of them. 

The Doctor: All mutated! Everyone who consumed the affected biomatter!

Clara: Why?

The Doctor: I'm more interested in how!

Rochelle: All I'm interested in is getting the hell out of here!

But the advance Zygon zombies have moved to either side of the restaurant, blocking escape.

Rochelle: Damn it! Boxed in!

Clara: Not that it would matter! There are Zygons outside...

Clara looks out the window where those who fled from the restaurant have gathered at a presumably safe distance.

Clara: Doctor! There are no Zygons outside!

The Doctor: Wait! What?

The Zygon zombies advance closer.

Clara: There are customers out there who ate food here but they're not Zygons!

The Doctor: Of course! The infected biomatter is the basis for the change but something else....something else in here is triggering the change to take place!

The Zygon zombies are getting dangerously closer as the Doctor scans the light fixtures.

The Doctor: A-ha! A spike in Tholian radiation in the ultraviolet, coming from the light fixtures!

The Doctor sonics the lights which spark and shatter. The Zygon zombies stop mere inches away from the Doctor, Clara and Rochelle. 

Rochelle: Oh my sweet Lord!

Clara: They stopped!

The Doctor: The radiation that triggered the mutation was also stimulating their neurons. No radiation, no attack.

Clara: Except that one! Look out!

Rochelle screeches and bolts off to the side. Meanwhile, while the Zygon zombies are standing still, one Zygon is still in motion but stops when the Doctor aims the sonic screwdriver at him.

The Doctor: Stop right there!

Zygon: You bungling fool! Look what you've done!

The Doctor: I suppose what I've done is stopped yet another Zygon invasion of Earth. I imagine that your numbers are quite small.

Zygon: With our scheme in motion, our numbers would have been legion!

The Doctor: Your numbers would have looked like a legion! These were just copies, bad ones at that but enough to make the Zygons appear to be a bigger threat than they actually are!

Zygon: Your interference is for naught! I am a true Zygon and more than a match for-

Suddenly we hear a loud BONG! as the Zygon falls to the floor.  Standing behind him is Rochelle with an iron skillet in her hands.

Rochelle: Damn fool alien! I'm the #1 McDaffy's shift manager in this district for 5 quarters in a row! You don't mess with my restaurant!

Clara: Good job, Rochelle!

The Doctor: You have an iron skillet?

Rochelle: Special orders. Also good against punks who try to steal from my place.

Clara: Doctor! Look!

The Zygon zombie who used to be Steve is starting to look like Steve again.

Steve: Oh, my head. Wha...what happened?

The Doctor: Oh look! The humans are reverting back. Oh, I do love a tidy ending.

Time shift: hours later. We see various uniformed people in UNIT gear taking out the still unconscious Zygon and the reverted humans.  The Doctor and Clara observe all this while still in their McDaffy's uniforms and paper hats.

The Doctor: It was fortunate that UNIT's North American branch was able to collect our Zygon. 

Clara: What about the people who were transformed? 

The Doctor: UNIT will want to make sure but I think they'll be fine. 

Clara: Good! So we can finally get out of here. 

The Doctor and Clara start to remove their paper hats.

Rochelle: Wait! Where do you think you're going?

Clara: Uh, away? Our work here is...

Rochelle: ...just getting started.

Rochelle holds out a broom and a mop.

Rochelle: There's a mess all over this place! Broken glass, no lights, spilled food! This place needs straightening up pronto!

The Doctor: But...

Clara: But...

Rochelle: But nothing! And once we're up and running, I'm still short a fry cook and a cashier!

Rochelle places a paper hat back on the Doctor's head and then on Clara's.

Rochelle: So back to work!

Rochelle marches off.

The Doctor and Clara stand there for a moment. Then the Doctor sighs. Clara is not happy. 

Clara: No! We're not really going to...

The Doctor: I think we have to. And all because I couldn't let Zygons be bygones. 

The Doctor begins sweeping and walks out of view while we're still watching Clara look rather unhappy.

Clara: Oh, I bet he's been waiting all day to say that.

And Clara begins mopping as she walks out of our view.

---the end-----

So when I posted the wrap up to Prisoners of the Daleks this past Sunday, I said I was done with fan-fics for a while. But while prepping posts in advance for this week's Doctor Who theme, I decided it might be fun to post a quick one off story. I hope you enjoyed it. 

The countdown continues....just ONE day to go!  

*Post amended: As you may have heard by now, it is official: Jenna Coleman is leaving Doctor Who. Yes, change is a constant in Doctor Who but my heart, it is quite sad nonetheless. I'll have more on this in a later post.