My cinema themed posts have dealt with various styles and genres of film. Science fiction, romantic comedies, film noir crime dramas and more.
Today I'm going to post about a porn film.
Except I'm not.
Welcome to the cruel joke that is Cruella's Castle.
Back in December, I loaded up the free streaming service TUBI in order to watch some classic Doctor Who. As I was surfing around the various other offerings of TUBI, I noticed a lot of shlocky titles with sexual themes in the plot summaries.
Among those titles was Cruella's Castle. I was intrigued mostly by the length of this... movie? It was 40 minutes! Wait, is this an actual porno on TUBI?
Well, let's find out!
Dr. Bikini Jones has just retrieved an idol from Evilla Cruella but uh oh! She's been cornered by a smoking hot blonde security guard. In the spirit of James Bond, Dr. Bikini Jones is going to seduce and fuck her way out of danger. The two women embrace, lost in a deep passionate kiss as Dr. Jones' hand makes it way up the guard's thigh towards her panties when..
JUMP CUT!
Dr. Jones is in an office with her boss and says "And THAT is how I got the idol!"
WHAT?!?!?
I mean....
Where's the sexy saxophone music?
Where's the blue mood lighting??
Where's the close up on sweat glistening on heaving cleavage???
Where's the gasps and moans????
What the unholy fuck happened to the sex scene!!!!!!
Later, a woman named Carol shows up at the residence of Dr. Bikini Jones. Carol's got a sexy librarian thing going on and bemoans her lack of success with men. But she does pretty well with women. And it is...
NOT ON?!?!
Carol is a distraction while some dude sneaks in to steal the idol back and what we're watching is that dude and NOT the distraction?!?!
What kind of porno is this?
It is the kind of porno with all the actual sex scenes cut out.
The actual movie is Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros which according to IMDb clocks in at 1 hour and 22 minutes which comes to 82 minutes.
At 40 minutes Cruella's Castle is the soft core porn movie with all the sex stuff cut out.
That's 42 minutes of hot girl on girl action just... gone!
Who care about the plot in a soft core porn movie? Well, since Cruella's Castle cuts out all the soft core porn, you might as well get the plot:
Archaeologist Dr. Bikini Jones steals the Golden Idol which happens to be the key to a mysterious place called the Temple of Eros which is where one will find the Tiara of Ayesha and whoever possesses the tiara will rule the mythical land of Moronica.
Seriously. The place is called Moronica.
Jones is in a race against time with her adversary Evilla Cruella to get to the tiara. Who will come (HA!) first to the temple?
Oh, there's a scene where our principal characters have to flee from a dinosaur. For a soft core porn movie, having a scene with a dinosaur is pretty cool.
For a soft core porn movie with all the soft core porn cut out, having a scene with a dinosaur is fucking stupid.
So that is today's Cinema Saturday post about the porn film that wasn't.
I suffer so you don't have to.
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