Stabbing Pains and Other Annoyances

“Well, the doctor says it could be a tumor.”

 

OK, maybe I shouldn’t lead with that.

 

Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! I’m Dave-El and welcome to I’m So Glad My Suffering Amuses You.

 

Today’s topic? My suffering.

 

I wrote in Monday’s post that the stabbing pains in certain points of my skull were starting to ebb just a bit.  I noted the stabbing sensations were moving from ice pick to butter knife.

 

I may have spoke too soon.

 

I made it to work OK and I did get some things done but I did have to contend with continued the stabbing pains in certain points of my skull  where the bad news was it the source felt like from an ice pick but the good news was the ice pick was a bit blunted from repeated encounters with the hard bone of my skull so I had that going for me. 

 

Still, the stabbing pains in certain points of my skull are, on balance, not a good thing.  So I called my doctor’s office.

 

This office has a lead doctor who is my primary physician and I’m going to call him John because that’s his name. Hey, I have stabbing pains in certain points of my skull; don’t look for me to get creative and make up names now.

 

*The story you’re about to hear is true. The names have not been changed because the writer is a petulant whiny ass who won’t shut up about the stabbing pains in certain points of his skull. Christ! We get it!  Your head hurts! Geez!

 

So John shares this practice with three other doctors or physicians assistants who are to my experience perfectly nice and competent medical professionals.

 

I called the doctor’s office.

 

“Hi, I’m a patient of Dr. John’s and I need to see if I can make an appointment.” 

 

At this point, the receptionist might tell me that John’s schedule is full or he is out but would I like to see one of the other doctors or physicians assistants? And I reply, “Why yes, that would be just fine.” Then the receptionist roles some dice or shakes a magic eight ball and says “Karen is free at 11:15. Will that work for you?”

 

So we know our roles in this little drama, right?

 

Let’s take this from the top.

 

DAVE-EL: “Hi, I’m a patient of Dr. John’s and I need to see if I can make an appointment.” 

 

RECEPTIONIST: “His schedule is full today.”

 

<PAUSE>

 

<AWKWARD PAUSE>

 

DAVE-EL: (Ahem) “I…er, would be OK seeing, you know, one of the other doctors or physicians assistants or, you know, whatever.”

 

<PAUSE>

 

RECEPTIONIST: “Hold on.” 

 

<PAUSE>

 

<AWKWARD PAUSE>

 

RECEPTIONIST: “Which one?”

 

DAVE-EL: “Which one what?” 

 

RECEPTIONIST: “Which one of the other doctors or physicians assistants do you want to see?”

 

DAVE-EL: “I suppose whichever one is, I guess, available first, you know, among the….er, three of them.” 

 

<PAUSE>

 

RECEPTIONIST: “Hold on.” 

 

<PAUSE>

 

<AWKWARD PAUSE>

 

RECEPTIONIST: “Shane can see you at 1:15.”

 

DAVE-EL: “That will be fine.” 

 

Man, I felt like Tim Conway’s Mr. Tudball from one of those Mrs. Wiggins sketches they used to do on the Carol Burnett show. 

 

When I arrived at the doctor’s office, I was greeted by bright, attentive and friendly people. I saw no dull eyed visage to suggest the slow person I spoke with earlier.

 

I met with Doctor Shane and we had a lively discussion of what might be causing stabbing pains in certain points of my skull. After Shane mulled and mused, the general consensus is we’re dealing with a sinus or upper respiratory viral thing.  Not a bad guess since we’ve been down this road before. But he was concerned, given that I was just in the doctor’s office a few weeks ago. If the symptoms of stabbing pains in certain points of my skull persists, a closer look might be warranted. Do a scan to make sure it’s not another stroke or a tumor. It could be a tumor but not likely. But Shane made me promise that if I was still experiencing stabbing pains in certain points of my skull after 2 or 3 days, to let him know. 

 

Later, when my wife Andrea called me to see how the appointment went, I decided to have some fun with her by starting at the end and working my way from there.

 

“Well, the doctor says it could be a tumor.”

 

Andrea did not think this was funny. Not one damn bit.

 

Later when I shared what I did with my daughter, Randie thought it was funny as hell. 

 

Oh, I should mention the drug store.

 

The doc called in a pain med prescription at my local pharmacy. After work, I went to pick it up.

 

Here is the normal script:

 

DAVE-EL: “Hi! I’m here to pick up a prescription.”

 

PHARMACY PERSON: “Certainly! Your name please?”

 

That’s the script. Here’s the actual show. 

 

DAVE-EL: “Hi! I’m here to pick up a prescription.”

 

PHARMACY PERSON: <smiles pleasantly, says nothing>

 

And here we go again.

 

And I’m so glad my suffering amuses you.