Today is the SUPER BOWL!!!
The ultimate spectacle in SPORTSBALL!!! FOOTBALL!!
A day made for MEN!!!
MANLY MEN!!
So for today's Dave-El's Weekend Movie Post, I wanted to write about a movie that was made for MEN!!
MANLY MEN!!!
It's about a MAN who drives real fast!!!
A MAN who fights real hard!!!
A MAN who has SEX with a WOMAN!!!
But mostly it's about the driving!!!
DRIVE, you MANLY MAN, you!!!
From 2002, I give you... The Transporter!
Jason Statham plays a former special operations soldier and now highly skilled driver residing in southern France named Frank Martin but screw that! In this post, he is... THE TRANSPORTER!
The Transporter has 3 (count 'em, THREE!) rules for transportin':
- Never change the deal.
- No names.
- Never open the package.
The film opens in Nice, France with the Transporter transportin' bank robbers from a bank robbery in a sleek black BMW. The deal was for 3 guys but there are 4. The Transporter refuses to drive as the deal was for 3 guys, not 4. One of the gang shoots the 4th guy and shoves him out the car.
And let's get TRANSPORTIN'!!! with a high speed escape from Nice!
At Transporter's very nice French villa, Police Inspector Tarconi pops in for a visit to ask about the BMW involved in the Nice bank robbery. Transporter avows he has no knowledge of such things. Tarconi has known Transporter for a long time (the closest thing Transporter has to a friend) and he knows he's lying but there are no facts tying Transporter to the robbery in Nice. (The BMW has a gimmicked license plate that changes.)
The Tranpsporter is hired for another gig, to deliver a package of 50 kilograms (110 lb) to an American, Darren "Wall Street" Bettencourt. The package is loaded into Transporter's trunk.
While changing a flat tire, Transporter notices the package moving. It's a girl, all bound and gagged. She pulls the old "I gotta pee" routine and she attempts to escape. Transporter recaptures her, ties her up again and back into the trunk she goes.
Transporter delivers the package to Wall Street as promised and agrees to another job, transporting a briefcase.
While Transporter makes a pit stop for something to drink, a bomb hidden in the briefcase explodes.
Transporter is pissed off! He really liked that BMW!
Transporter returns to Wall Street's villa, kills a shit ton of henchmen and steals a Mercedes-Benz (fucker owed him a car!) only to find that damn package in the backseat, it's that girt still tied up and gagged.
Transporter takes her back to his place where he learns her name is Lai and she's trying to stop Wall Street's human trafficking of Chinese people under very inhumane conditions in cargo ships.
Not Transporter's problem. But Lai stick around to make the Transporter breakfast (she's pretty good baker).
Transporter and Lai also have... the SEX!
Inspector Tarconi pops in for a visit to ask about the exploding BMW but Transport asserts the car was stolen. Lai introduces herself as Transporter's girlfriend and chef. Again, Tarconi knows he's being lied to but there are no facts to hang a chapeau on.
After Tarconi leaves, Transporter and Lai get another visit.
This one is less pleasant.
Wall Street sics an assault force on Transporter's villa with lots and lots of guns and missiles (Missiles? Fuck yeah!) and shit blows up real good!!
Transporter and and Lai escape through an underwater passage to a nearby safe house.
Meeting at a local police station, well, we know the drill:
- Tarconi has questions about the exploding villa
- Transporter don't know nothing
- Tarconi can't do nothing
Transporter and Lai corner Wall Street but it turns out he's not the one in charge of this Chinese human trafficking ring, it's a Chinese business man who is also Lai's father.
And things get worse from there.
What happens next to these human trafficking assholes?
- TRANSPORTIN'!!! with punching!
- TRANSPORTIN'!!! with kicking!
- TRANSPORTIN'!!! with shooting!
- TRANSPORTIN'!!! with driving!
- TRANSPORTIN'!!! with jumping!
- TRANSPORTIN'!!! with blowing up shit!
Transporter is transporting a big ol' honking case of whup ass justice on human trafficking scum!
There's blood everywhere and shit blows up REAL TRANSPORTIN'!!! GOOD!
This... is... The Transporter, baby!!
Boy, this movie is a fast moving, crazy violent, dumb as a box of rocks spectacle and I liked it just fine.
As Eric Harrison of the Houston Chronicle put it, "It's junk with a capital J. The sooner you realize that, the more quickly you can settle down to enjoying it."
That works for me!
Jason Statham is perfect as the austere, stern, uncompromising Transporter. Yes, the character has a name and there are some passing references to some kind of traumatic backstory that haunts him but who cares about all that? We're here for the Transporter and all the TRANSPORTIN'!!! via fast car, boat or helicopter or painful fists of justice TRANSPORTIN'!!! pain to the faces of evil doers.
Now for more MANLY MEN stuff! Let's be TRANSPORTIN'!!! on to the Super Bowl!!!
YAY, SPORTSBALL!!!!
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Next week for Dave-El's Weekend Movie Post...
1) On the day after Valentine's Day, I'll post about the love story between a New York dancer and the most annoying man in the world. It's Neil Simon's The Goodbye Girl.
2) With SNL set to celebrate it's 50th anniversary next weekend, I will post about the movie that chronicles it's origins, Saturday Night.
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