Hey, Kids! COMICS!

Hey, I haven’t talked about comic books for a while. OK, let’s do that.

ITEM!

Batman AKA Commissioner Jim Gordon is off the hook stupid but I’m actually quite enjoying it mostly because Gordon himself is very much aware how stupid this is. 

But Gotham needs Batman and Gordon’s the man picked for the job. And like the good cop he is, he’s going do this job to the best of his ability. But it’s not easy. Gordon still thinks like a cop, working within the rule of law and the facts as he sees them. But thinking like Batman (“Bat-thoughts”) is a unique experience, thinking beyond the boundaries of the law and looking for information beyond the immediate facts. Which begins to pose a problem for Gordon, the consummate cop playing the roles of the super hero. And spoilers, Bruce Wayne is alive (It’s comics so…duh) but his return to the role of Batman does not look imminent. Scott Snyder’s resurrection of Bruce Wayne plays fair with the conditions set forth in Endgame but deliver an unexpected twist. Meanwhile, Greg Capulo, Danny Miki and FCO Plascencia continue to deliver outstanding art issue after issue. Jim Gordon is looking a bit more buff that we’re used to seeing him; he is falling back on his Marine training to stay in shape to cope with the rigors of being Batman. And there’s the buzzcut Mohawk and the missing mustache. And yet, look carefully, in his face and in his demeanor, Jim Gordon still looks like Jim Gordon. So far this storyline has turned out to be more fun than I anticipated even if it's centered around....well, I think Jim Gordon puts it best.

ITEM!

I put Justice League back on my pull list at Acme Comics starting with issue #41 and the start of The Darkseid War. The nearly universal praise I was hearing about issue #41 led me to start following the series again. So far, the scope of this thing looks like your typical company crossover yet focused in the pages of one book. In fact, it's set in a part of DC continuity apart from recent changes in other books: Superman still has his powers, Bruce Wayne is still Batman, Hal Jordan is still Green Lantern, etc. In short, we get to see this story line play out with the iconic versions of DC's greatest superheroes.  

The result is an increasing escalation of threat and power while coupled with strong character development, the latter which winds up being sacrificed on the factory floor of a multi-title event. I do see there are some specials connecting to this story line coming up in October but those appear to be self-contained and I will likely give those a miss. (Budgets, don't ya know.) But I'm liking what I see in this title and I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next. 

Geoff John has set up a potential epic for the ages with great art to match. I want Jason Fabok and colorist Brad Anderson to do the art for everything. Well, maybe not Tiny Titans but still…

ITEM!

As much as I’m keeping an interest in mainstream super hero work via Batman and Justice League, my real passion lies in perusing the latest issues of Velvet and The Fade Out, the double barrel awesomeness from writer Ed Brubaker with artists Steve Epting and Sean Phillips. 

I took a chance and came in on the ground floor of these two series and so far, I have not been disappointed. Astonishing art brings to life Brubaker’s complex but engaging stories, both in their own different ways dealing with themes of secrets, betrayals and identity. I recommend both of these books very highly. 

ITEM!

I picked up the volume one trade for Squirrel Girl for my daughter; she loves squirrels and she loves comics with a sense of humor.  This would seem to be book made for her and I was right. She enjoyed it a lot and wants to know when the next trade is coming along. She was kind enough to let me read it next and let me tell you, this is a book I genuinely found myself laughing out loud. Doreen Green AKA Squirrel Girl with the powers of a squirrel AND a girl is a very fascinating character. 

Filled with enthusiasm and positive emotions, she should be annoyingly sweet with emphasis on the "annoying" part but she’s not. Maybe it’s because that sweetness is coupled with a fierceness of purpose when Doreen has to bring her squirrel powers up against someone threatening to do others harm. Writer Ryan North and artist Erica Henderson are a perfect pair to deliver the adventures of Squirrel Girl and her squirrel friend Tippy Toe as they take on Kraven the Hunter, Whiplash and Galactus. 

Yes, Galactus! 

Also collected are the letter columns which are a fun read and the first appearance of Squirrel Girl in a story plotted and drawn by Steve Ditko which is kind of weird looking as these prototype beta versions of characters tend to be but it certainly set up the madcap awesomeness that we would come to expect from Squirrel Girl. 

OK, that's enough about comics for this post. Man, that was fun! I've actually been enjoying reading comics more lately as I've branched out and tried different types of books. Fellow comic book fans, if you want to see something new and different, support those books that are new and different. The publishers will make more of 'em because they love their comic book fans and they really want your money.  

So another post is coming tomorrow. About something or another. We'll see when we get there. In the meantime, remember to be good to one another. 

Dave-El
I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You

Oh, before I go, a bonus graphic of someone cosplaying Squirrel Girl.

You're welcome. 

Assholes On Parade

I might still be a bit angry after yesterday's rant against gun violence (and I should be! And you too!).  In the spirit of that anger, today's post is what it says in the title: 

Assholes On Parade!
Assholes On Parade!
Assholes On Parade!
Assholes On Parade!
Assholes On Parade!

#10: Donald Trump 
Donald's a pretty big asshole to be at the bottom of the list. Oh, do not underestimate Trump's capacity for assholery.  

#9 This blonde airhead at Fox News
She tried to politicize the shooting of the two reporters in Virginia as an "Anti-White Crime". Really. 

#8 Doctor Hitler  
Leader of Nazi Germany and a total bastard when giving prostate exams.  

#7  Donald Trump 
Damn! Him again! That asshole is everywhere! 

#6  Josh Duggar 
Paragon of Christian virtue and morality. Also child molester and adulterer. His wife is so proud! 

#5  These dickheads from Alabama
The asshole on the left is wearing a Ku Klux Klan shirt. 
His boyfriend in the White Pride shirt is so proud! 

#4  This damn gopher! 
Just look at him! What an asshole!  Quit digging up my yard! 

#3  Mike Huckabee 
This asshole acts like he has a direct hotline to God. God, meanwhile, is letting those calls go to voice mail.    

#2  Ted Cruz
His go-to moves for getting what he wants is shutting down the government and holding his breath until he turns blue.

#1  Donald Trump
Yeah, he's once...twice...three times an asshole. 

OK, that's a wrap for...             Assholes On Parade!

Assholes On Parade!

Assholes On Parade!

Assholes On Parade!

Assholes On Parade!

No more damage doin' ' round here today, pardners! 

I'll be back with another post tomorrow on something fun. (Yay! Comic books!)  

Until then, be good to one another and don't let the assholes get you down.

And I'm so glad my suffering amuses you.

Dave-El

State of Siege

I wish they would stop smiling at me. 

I know we should celebrate life and remember people they way they were when they were alive. But I just can't let go of the fact that Alison Parker and Adam Ward are not alive now, taken brutally and senselessly in yet another shameless act of violence perpetrated by a warped individual armed with misguided anger and a gun. 

The terrible twist on this latest tragedy is that we got to watch. Alison Parker, a TV reporter, was doing a live report in the field when she shot dead, murdered, on television. Adam Ward, her cameraman, went down next as his camera clattered to the ground, still broadcasting back to the station. It was a horrific tableau out of a violent crime drama or horror film but no. This was real. Real violence, real blood, real life. 

Hey, NRA. You got to see a gun murder on live television. Are you not entertained? 

In the hours since this insane assault, I've seen the photos of Alison and Adam, young, energetic, at the start of their lives with hopes and ambitions to drive through the many years to come. Years they will now never have. 

I wish they would stop smiling at me. 

They look out from the photos with smiles and bright eyes and it makes me angry that their friends and families will never see those smiles again, never see the light in their eyes again. It makes me angry that we live in a country where this sort of damn thing can happen and does happen with alarming and sickening regularity. 

It makes me angry that people have to keep dying because our leaders lack the will and the courage to act to stop it. 

It makes me angry that Alison Parker and Adam Ward will not live to see another sunrise because of ignorant people insist that holding on to their guns in an unalienable right that cannot and must not be abridged in the slightest. 

It makes me angry that we all have to live in a constant state of fucking terror because there are those who have derived great wealth and power in preserving the status quo of violence and fear-mongering.   

It makes me so incredibly angry and I really wish they would stop smiling at me. Maybe if they would stop smiling at me, I can be less angry. Maybe if they stop smiling at me, I can cope with the pain of this tragedy and move on. 

If they stop smiling at me, maybe I can stop being angry.



Fuck that! I want to stay angry! 

And all of us who care about living in a just and equitable society in peace, we should ALL stay angry about this because if we don't, others will. Others will get angry over every slight possibility of a threat to take their guns. And these morons have the NRA with a shitload of money to stoke that anger and keep things the way they are, one damn day after another of someone dying who doesn't need to die. 

I don't want to be angry but what else can I feel? What else can anyone feel other than anger if we are to get someone to pay attention, to hear once and for all that we won't live like this anymore! We refuse to live in a state of siege from a terror of our own making! 

I wish they would stop smiling at me. 

Dave-El's Financial Times

Hi there!  Welcome to I’m So Glad My Suffering Amuses You! I’m Dave-El and your lovin’ gives me thrills but lovin’ don’t pay my bills.

So for a few days now, the stock market has been a thing what with mangled margins, inverted indices, falling finances, plunging prices and other alliterative allusions to a free falling financial thing that begins with “F”.

Like everything else in life, I don’t pretend to understand the stock market. I have stocks. I think. I have money invested in something or another. I get statements from my bank’s investment division which contains lots and lots of numbers and words like “capital gains” and “return on investment” and “abandon hope all ye who enter here”. I don’t understand any of it. Am I making money? Am I losing money? Is my money caught on a merry-go-round, just going around in circles? If so, is it on one of the cool horses or sitting in one of those lame seats? Is my money having fun? Can I have fun with my money?

What I do know about the stock market is how much pain and worry is self-inflicted.

Many years ago, I worked for a company that made manufactured housing.  The company had been in business 50 years and was doing rather well. In fact, it began being traded on the New York Stock Exchange. Being a publicly traded company has its perks. All those people investing money in your company means you have money to do things with like improve products and services which in turn will result in better sales which in turn provides a nice return for the company and those that invested in it. The problems start when the line that defines the meaning of success keeps getting moved out further and further. Earning a profit, making more money than you spend, is not enough. You have to make MORE money than you did the year before.

Consider this:  Your business is making a high quality in demand product: laminated ducks. You can charge a little more for it because your buyers think its worth it. So raising prices will raise money earned and increase profits. Perhaps you’ve only just begun to tap into the market for laminated ducks; more people to sell to means more profits. Maybe you improve the process for making laminated ducks which works better than the old way but costs less money. Boom! More profits!

But this is not sustainable, at least not forever. Whatever goes up must come down. The higher you go, the further you fall. A rolling stone gathers no moss.

OK, I’m not sure what that last one has to do with anything. But…

At some point, you’re going to reach a breaking point with your consumers on the price for laminated ducks.  Eventually you will tap out any new markets to sell laminated ducks to. Sooner or later, there are only so many costs that can be cut to make laminated ducks without making them of a lesser quality which is why you can charge the prices you do. Inevitably, the ride upwards has to end.

One day the bad news hits Wall Street: Laminated Ducks International earned a profit which was 5% higher than the year before. Why is this bad news? Because the market was expecting a 10% increase in profits. Yes, you made a profit and it was 5% higher than the profit made last year  but Laminated Ducks International is so well and truly fucked because your company did not earn ENOUGH profit. So the stock prices goes down and in the boardrooms of LDI, panic sets in while old white men in suits try to figure out how to get the money train back up to full steam. 

That happened to the housing company I worked for. We had a decent product that sold at a good price and every year we did better than the year before. Until we didn’t. And then the panic set in. This company decided the best way to boost profits was to increase our market. To do that, our financing arm began approving more and more borderline applications. The good news is sales did go up and the stock price went up. But those bad loans began to bite the company in the ass with increasing defaults and a glut of repossessed homes in a market that already had too much enough new product.  Sales went down again and this time there was no bouncing back. This company no longer exists after being in business for over half a century. If we didn’t have stockholders to answer to demanding increasing profits year to year to year, the company could’ve rode out the first downturn. But no, the pressure was on to not just deliver big but deliver bigger and bigger.

But the stock market is a weird beast. One night as I was driving home during the last year of my employment with the home builder, I was listening to a local business report. A local company had made a profit but the stock price went down because the profit was not high enough. Meanwhile, the stock price for my employer had gone up because the company had lost less money than had been anticipated. Yes, Wall Street liked us because we sucked less than expected. Yay, team!  

The lesson is obvious to me: you have to take the bad with the good which is OK as long as there’s more good stuff than bad. But as I’ve said, I don’t understand the stock market where it seems everyone thinks an upward direction is an endless ride and any downward direction is nothing less than total calamity. Stockbrokers are like dogs left at home all day. Every day the dog owners come back and everyday dogs seem very surprised by that. “OMG! OMG! It’s the human person who brings the food and throws the bouncing ball thing! I thought the human person was gone forever! Wait! The human person is leaving? Where the human person go? Oh no! The human person is gone forever! OMG! OMG! The human person is back! Oh joy! Is there food?” 

Back in 2008, long after I left my job in the manufactured housing industry and wound up here at my current employer, the big financial meltdown occurred. The troubles with borderline or outright bad loans had spread from the manufactured housing sector to all of housing. It was a major blow to the economy and I remember hearing economists say, “We didn’t see this coming.” Which is bullshit. Either you’re lousy economists or you’re just willfully blind. There are only so many people in the world who can afford to buy a home; eventually you will have to sell fewer homes, give the market time to bolster back up. If you try to shore up the gravy train by expanding the market to people who cannot afford to buy a home, you’re only going to make the situation worse. And it was very bad indeed when the housing market bubble burst, nearly taking down the global economy with it.

We can see these things coming. We at least know they’re coming because they always do. It’s a cycle.

That’s all I have today. Before I go, remember to be good to one another and can I interest you in a laminated duck?

Dave-El

I’m So Glad My Suffering Amuses You

This (Non) Sporting Life: And Lo They Shall Call Him....Tangles

Yesterday's post was inspired by my home city's golf tournament and the arrival of Tiger Woods to our fair city. While writing that, I thought back to an experience that I had with the tournament.

The time I worked for ESPN. 

It was the spring of 1982. Back then, our golf tournament was called the GGO, the Greater Greensboro Open. In later years it would be called the K-Mart GGO and the Chrysler GGO before Wyndham Resorts stepped in, dropping the GGO part and dropping the whole shebang in the middle of August. 

As it turned out, the GGO coincided with my college spring break and my roommate found out that ESPN was hiring go-fers for the weekend. At first I thought he meant "gophers" but giving it some thought, I realized that didn't make sense. I mean, I don't know a lot about sports but even I'm pretty sure that ESPN wouldn't really need to hire actual gophers.

No, ESPN was looking to hire some high school and college kids to do whatever needed doing. We would get paid and we would get fed. Money and food? Ka-ching! We were there!

It may have been springtime in Greensboro but the weather had other ideas. Breezy, cold and overcast. (I would still get sunburned. Weird!) Me and the other guys gathered round to find out what the gig was. It turns out we were going to working with sound technicians, setting up mikes and laying down power cords. Regarding said power cords, our ESPN boss for the weekend told us, "You need to be careful with these cords and cables. It's easy to get them tangled up so keep 'em straight and neat. And I assure you, by the end of the day, I will name one of you 'Tangles'." 

Stop laughing! You're jumping ahead of the story! And besides maybe this is not how its going to play out. Maybe this is the story of a plucky young man from college who not only avoids ignominy but actually does better than anyone, even himself, had expected. Maybe this is a story of success and...


OK, fine! At the end of the day, I was Tangles.


Damn!


You know, it's not fair. Really, all through the day, I was the man when it came to running cords and cables. I kept loops firm but loose enough to lay 'em down quickly. I was determined: as God as my witness, I would not be known as Tangles!  

As dusk fell and the last player had long since shot his last putt, we began to gather our equipment and rolling up all the cords and cables. After several minutes, and I'm still not sure how any of this happened because I was being so careful, I looked like I had been trapped in a tuna net.

We were all wearing headsets to keep us connected to the sound truck. And the sound producer announced through those headsets, "Hey, guys! We have our 'Tangles'." 

And for the rest of the GGO, I was Tangles.

"Tangles, we need a mike set up at the 13th green."
"Tangles, get a directional mike on that golfer." 
"OK, Tangles, time to break for lunch."

There was one moment on the last day of the tournament that I had a particularly cool moment. Along with another guy, I was set up covering the 16th hole. The sound producer was really big on catching landing sounds when the balls hit the green. The problem was the day was very overcast and it was almost impossible to see the golf ball as it arced through the air. The first time we could see the ball was once it hit the green and it was too late then to aim the directional mike at it. That didn't stop out sound guy from wanting landing sounds.

"C'mon, Tangles, we need to hear that ball hitting the green."

The other guy with me by the green wasn't having much better luck. So we came up with a plan. Holding the directional mike in our left hand, we held an extended finger next to the mike with our right hand. And then, instead of trying to find the ball in the clouds, we could focus on the green. But we wouldn't need to aim the mike. Then the second the ball hit the green...

Thump went my finger along side the mike.

"Great landing sound, Tangles! Great job!" 

And thus was the extent of my career as a sound tech for ESPN.

Thanks for reading. I'll be back with another post tomorrow. Until then, be good to one another.

Dave-El
I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You 

This (Non) Sporting Life: Tiger Came Down to Greensboro

So it has not been a quiet weekend here in my home city of Greensboro NC as we had a celebrity of some notoriety pay us a visit for a spell. Tiger Woods came to play at our local golf tournament, currently known as the Wyndham Championship. We achieved this honor thanks to Tiger's golf game crashing into horrendous suckitude in the last year or so. So coming to play at the Wyndham and hopefully pulling home a respectable showing was his only hope of proceeding forward in the Fed Ex Cup.

Yes, this city has self-esteem issues. Greensboro's nickname is the Gate City because of it's central location in the state, making it a perfect gate way to go somewhere else. 

Yep, to the south is the state zoo and to the south and west is Charlotte NC which actually looks like a real city. To the west are the majestic Blue Ridge Mountains and to the north is Virginia which we all know is for lovers. To the east are North Carolina's beautiful beaches. There are lots of things for Tiger Woods to see during his stay in Greensboro if you're willing to travel.

Don't get me wrong; I love being in Greensboro. For example, from here, I can go see our state's NFL team, the Carolina Panthers. After a mere 90 minute drive to Charlotte.

Anyway, back to Tiger Woods. He picked a great year to visit. A few years back when Wyndham Resorts took over the sponsorship of our local golf tournament, the date was moved from April to August. And everyone figured we were doomed because August is not just hot, its unbearably hot with humidity so thick you can mold it like Play-Do. Nobody was going to come to our little dog and pony golf show now.

I think our first year out with the August date, the heat was not a factor. That's because it rained the whole damn time. The next year, yes, it was too damn hot.

But it seems we've had quite a few years where the weather for the Wyndham has actually be quite mild and enjoyable. And this weekend, the weather was especially nice, totally opposite of the expectations one would have for an August weekend.

So Tiger Woods came to town. There had been hopes and wishes in the past that he would grace us with his presence. Of course, that was when he was playing good. No, scratch that. He was playing awesome, totally looking unbeatable.

But then Tiger had a fall from grace. His father died. Tiger's marriage crumbled as his infidelity was exposed. He had a falling out with his long time caddy. Tiger had medical problems, mostly with his back. And his game began to deteriorate. Wins were harder to come by, then they dried up. He was failing to make the cut to even keep playing. From a man who conquered the game of golf to a man who looked like he could barely play it anymore, Tiger Woods turned to Greensboro.

And in Greensboro NC, Tiger Woods found his game. The way he played on Thursday and Friday, it may not have been the great Tiger Woods of old but it wasn't the failure we had despaired to see struggle on the course in recent weeks. At the end of Friday, Tiger was in a place he had not been since 2013: at the top of the leader board.

Saturday saw Tiger 2 shots down from the leader but still in contention to win.

But Sunday was not as kind as Tiger Woods struggled. Davis Love III won the Wyndham Championship (making him the third-oldest winner in PGA Tour history) as Tiger's season came to an end. So the narrative did not deliver a last minute redeeming victory for Tiger but this is real life and not a movie. In real life, you take your victories where you can find them. And for Tiger, it was the mere fact that he had a chance to win, a chance that had eluded him for so long. And perhaps also counting as a victory was Tiger rediscovering the joy of the game, something that has also been absent from Tiger's life of late. These are good things to be appreciated and Tiger Woods found them here in Greensboro NC.    

Everyone, be good to one another. And thanks for paying us a visit, Tiger. Maybe we can do it again next year?

Dave-El

I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You

Oh, I'm not done with golf yet. Writing about the Wyndham Championship reminded me of my own golf tournament experience.

Tomorrow: the time I worked for ESPN. 

Doctor Who: Prisoners of the Daleks - Episode Two

Hello, Whovians!  

Today is Episode Two of a new fan-fiction of Doctor Who featuring the 12th Doctor and Clara. 

• This story takes place in Doctor Who before the events of the first episode of Series 9 which debuts September 19th. 
• As is my want, I write these adventures as a script instead of in prose form. If that's too weird, try to deal.
• DISCLAIMER: This story is not sanctioned by the producers of Doctor Who and the BBC. It is a work of fan-fiction posted with no compensation received by the writer and is not part of any official Doctor Who canon.  

CLICK HERE to access last week's episode.

And with that, let's get started....

Prisoners of the Daleks

Prisoners of the Daleks

Prisoners of the Daleks

by David Long 

by David Long 

by David Long 

Episode Two  

Episode Two 

EpisodeTwo

Scene opens: The Earth of the future. A sleek and very modern looking spaceport with spaceships taking off and landing. The air is filled with sounds of hums of spacecraft and announcements from holographic images. Our focus zooms in on Clara as moves along the gangway with the flow of other people boarding the USS Alaska. An ensign, looking sharp in a clean white uniform approaches Clara.

Ensign: Miss Oswald, I presume?

Clara: Er, yes. Yes, I am.

Ensign: If I could see your papers please?

Clara: What? Oh! Of course!

Clara pulls out her credentials card and hands it to the Ensign. The Ensign smiles and hands the card back to Clara.

Ensign: Excellent! The Captain will want to meet you straight away.

The Ensign touches an ear piece communicator.

Ensign: Captain! I’m here with Miss Oswald, sir!

Captain (voice): You have Miss Oswald…there?

Ensign: Yes, sir!

Captain (voice): Well, please bring her to the bridge immediately!

Ensign: Yes, sir!

The Ensign gestures towards Clara.

Ensign: This way, ma’am. 

Clara: Yes. Yes, of course.

Clara and the Ensign walk along a bustling corridor.

Clara: This is quite some ship!

Ensign: Yes, ma’am! The Alaska is the top of the line! Very smooth operation, no problems at all. 

Clara: That’s good to know.

Ensign: Yes, ma’am.

Clara: Do you have to keep calling me “Ma’am”?

Ensign: Yes, ma’am.

A door hisses open. Led by the Ensign, Clara enters the ship’s bridge. Standing looking out over the bridge is a uniformed humanoid (the Captain of the ship). Next to him, her back turned, is a young woman with brown hair and a short red dress.

Captain: I thought it was my lucky day to have our new Junior Entertainment Officer join us here on the Alaska. Imagine my joy at the great fortune of…

The brown haired girl turns around. She looks exactly like Clara.

Captain: having TWO Junior Entertainment Officers!

Both women: Oh my God!

Captain: Well, maybe “joy” isn’t the right word.

The Captain turns to the one who is NOT Clara.

Captain: Oswin Oswald, do you have any explanation for this?

Oswin: No! No, not at all!  I have no idea! Who…?

Oswin leans in closer to Clara.

Oswin: Who are you? 

Clara: I’m…er, well, I’m Clara Oswald.

Captain: You don’t seem too sure of yourself.

Clara: Huh? What? No, no! I’m Clara Oswald. Really! Just as rattled by all this as you.

Captain: How did you get on my ship?

Clara: I was just looking to book passage and…and the lady at the terminal said I was expected.

Captain: So, a case of mistaken identity? A simple mix up?

Clara: Well, actually, yes. Yes! Yes that’s it exactly.

Captain: A…coincidence?

Clara: Er…

Captain: Two women who have the same last name and look exactly alike…

Oswin: Well, she might have a couple of pounds over me.

Clara: Hey! 

Captain: Miss Oswald!

Clara and Oswin: Yes?

Captain: No, just one of you! Oswin! I don’t have patience for whatever game…

Oswin: No game, sir! I assure you! I’m as perplexed by this as…

Ensign approaches, interrupting.

Ensign: Captain, sir!

Captain: One moment, Ensign. Ladies, I…

Ensign: Captain, urgent report from navigation?

Captain: Navigation? Oh good Lord, what is it now?

Ensign: They’re reporting odd energy and matter anomalies along galactic corridor alpha zed 9. 

Captain: Energy and…? (Sigh!)  Very well, let me see what fresh hell this is. Miss Os…er, Oswin?

Oswin: Yes, Captain?

Captain: Until I sort this problem out, I expect you to keep your….twin sister out of trouble.

The Captain turns on his heel and walks away with the Ensign.

Oswin: But she’s not….she’s not my sister….Damn it!

Oswin glares at Clara.

Oswin: This…is my first real chance to go into space. You’re not going to blow this for me, I don’t care how cute you are.

Clara: Look, I really don’t want to cause any…did you say “cute”?

Oswin: (Sigh!) OK, I still need to familiarize myself with the ship so fancy a tour while I work that all out?

Clara: Yeah, sure.

Clara and Oswin exit the bridge. As they pass through the door, our attention is drawn to a monitor which displays a star field with one flickering red dot. And graphic that reads Anomaly Detected. And the red dot grows brighter. 

Scene change: an austere room where the Doctor sits on a bench. He's leaned over a bit and whistling the theme to Duck Tales. A door swishes open and the Monk enters. 

The Monk: Hello again, Doctor.

The Doctor: Hello, Monkey. 

The Monk has a stern expression on his face. 

The Monk: I am...the Monk.

The Doctor rises with a smirk on his face. He approaches the Monk. 

The Doctor: Yes, the Monk with a key to that door. Ergo...

The Doctor taps the Monk on his forehead. 

The Doctor: Monkey. Sooooooo...

The Doctor sits back down on the bench, smiling at the Monk. 

  

The Doctor: What game are you playing at....Monk?

The Monk: No games, Doctor. Oh, my past as a meddler in the flow of time has long become ancient history. No, what I do now, I take very, very seriously.

The Doctor: Bee keeping?

The Monk: Justice, Doctor! Justice for those lost to the follies of those who would play in time like a toy box!

The Doctor: You’re a fine one to talk, you meddling Monk!

The Monk: Actually, yes, yes, I am a fine one to talk. I know the temporal travesties I have committed. I acknowledged my sins. I have been penitent and sought redemption. But what of you, Doctor?

The Doctor stands up. 

The Doctor: Me? What of me?

The Monk: Oh, Doctor. Healer of lost souls and endangered worlds, yet blissfully unaware of the temporal havoc you leave behind you in your wake.

The Doctor: Blissfully unaware? Me? I think the only one here who here who is blissfully unaware…

The Doctor approaches the Monk and taps him on the forehead.

The Doctor: Is. You.

The Doctor keeps taping the Monk on the forehead. The Monk looks annoyed.

The Monk: Doctor…

The Doctor keeps tapping.

The Monk: Stop doing….

The Doctor keeps tapping.

The Monk: That!

The Monk grabs the Doctor’s arm at the wrist.

The Doctor: Hmm! I was wondering if anyone else is home up there.  

The Monk glares at the Doctor.

The Monk: Listen to me, Doctor! It’s time for you to be held to account and I’ll be the one to do it. 

The Monk shoves the Doctor’s arm away, turns and walks out of the room. He turns, framed by door way.

The Monk: Come now, Doctor! Judgement awaits!

The Doctor strides to the door. 

The Doctor: Oh good! Will there be snacks?

As the Doctor steps outside the doorway, the Monk vanishes in the shadows. The Doctor slows down, looking about, trying to discern shapes or movement in the darkened chamber. 

The Doctor: Maybe some biscuits. Or some…crisps?

Suddenly light flares up and surrounding the Doctor is a tribunal headed up by the Architect, Leader of the Shadow Proclamation.   The Monk is standing behind a podium.

Architect: I call this tribunal of the Shadow Proclamation to order! Your trial will now begin, Doctor!

The Doctor: I believe I entered a guilty plea when I was arrested by the Jundoon! Why are we having a trial?

Architect: We are not barbarians. It is only fair to let you hear the case against you. 

The Doctor: Well, that’s rather kind of you. 

Architect: Besides, sentencing has yet to be decided. 

The Doctor: Oh? What are my options?

Architect: A slow, painful death.

The Doctor: Or...?

Architect: A slower, more painful death.

The Doctor: Well, it's good to have options.

Architect: Doctor, you have been charged with violations of temporal order one as established in the code of the Shadow Proclamation in accordance with the laws of time set forth by the Time Lords of Gallifrey and overseen by their proxy, the being you know as the Monk.  

The Monk nods solemnly. He has put on the white wig of a English barrister. He bows slightly towards the Architect. 

The Monk: M’lady.

The Doctor (muttering): Oh brother. 

Scene change: The observation lounge of the Starship Alaska. On view is a spectacular panorama of the vastness of space. Various passengers and crew move about as Clara and Oswin stand watching the beauty of the universe. 

Oswin (eyes wide): Oh, I will never get tired of this. Never! 

Clara: So you said this was your first time travelling in space? 

Oswin: Oh yeah! I’ve always wanted to travel, ever since I was a little girl!

Clara: So did I. My mom and me, we had a book of all the places we wanted to go.

Oswin: Wow! Me too! I filled in the pages with pictures of stars and planets. I still have that book. Silly, I know.

Clara: No, not really.

Oswin: I kept trying to get on a space ship as a techie. Unfortunately I’m really, really too good with computers.

Clara: Unfortunately?

Oswin: Yeah. It seems engineers don’t like it when you re-program their engines.

Clara: Now that's a lesson I fully understand: never get between a bloke and his machine. So you’re on here as a…what the Captain say?

Oswin: Junior Entertainment Officer. Hey, I may be a computer genius but I also know how to party. 

Clara: I imagine you do.

Oswin: So what’s your story, Clara?

Clara: I was travelling with a…friend.

Oswin: Friend. Got it.

Clara: Really, a friend. Anyway, we got separated from each other and our ship so now I’m trying to get…somewhere.

Oswin: Somewhere?

Clara: Let’s say I’m following a hunch, maybe the three of us will wind of up in one spot.

Oswin: You’re a strange one, Clara Oswald. And yet…not so strange.

Clara: Yeah?

Oswin: Yeah! I look at you and it’s like looking in a mirror. And I’m not just talking about looking alike. Something…in your eyes.

Clara: Really?

Oswin: It’s like I’m looking at you and at the same time looking out from you back at me?

Clara: OK.

Oswin: I know that doesn’t make sense.

Clara: I don’t know, maybe it does.

Oswin: Clara, what’s going on here? You and me?

Cut to Clara. We zoom into her eye. We instantly see a flashback to Name of the Doctor where Clara is falling through the Doctor's time line and splinters into many different versions of herself.

We zoom back out of the eye. Clara looks back at Oswin with a blank expression.

Clara: I…have no idea.

Oswin: Why don’t I believe you? 

Clara: I can’t help you with that. 

(silence)

Oswin: So I was wondering…if you ever….wondered….

Clara: Wondered…what?

Oswin: You know, if you ever met…yourself…

Clara: More or less.

Oswin: More or less and what it would be like to….you know…

Clara: Know…what?

Oswin: You know…

Suddenly Oswin takes Clara’s face in her hands, pulls her closes and kisses her fully on the mouth. Clara is quite startled. 

Scene change: Back to chamber of the Shadow Proclamation. 

The Monk: Let us begin…with Gallifrey, Doctor.

The Doctor: Oh, yes, let’s start there. 

The Monk: During the Time War, you seized the Time Lords’ ultimate weapon, the Moment, to bring the Time War to an end.

The Doctor: Yes, I did.

The Monk: The plan was to unleash a force of such incredible destructive power to totally eradicate the Daleks completely from all time and space! But it meant taking the Time Lords with them!

The Doctor (solemnly): Yes.

The Monk: Gallifrey, burning in space, crumbling in the void. Men, women, children…screaming…

The Doctor: Except that didn’t happen!

The Monk: Yes, Doctor?

The Doctor: Another way was found! Gallifrey was shifted to another dimension while the Daleks destroyed each other in the crossfire!

The Monk: An ingenious solution. The lives of everyone on Gallifrey saved and the Daleks destroyed! And all you had to do was undo time itself!

The Doctor looks like he doesn’t care for where this is going. 

The Doctor: And? 

The Monk: And yet it didn’t quite work, did it? Gallifrey was saved but in what hellish dimension are they trapped?

The Doctor: Now hold on…

The Monk: And the Daleks? They still infest this universe like a plague! Have you ever wondered why? The Emperor Dalek at Satellite Five? The so-called Dalek God of Time who wreaked havoc along your time line to jeopardize the universe itself? They fell through the cracks in time you created when you dared, Doctor, you dared to violate a fixed moment in time to assuage your own guilt!

The Doctor stands silent.

Scene change: The observation lounge of the Starship Alaska. Oswin is still kissing Clara. Oswin’s eyes are closed and she seems to be enjoying this.

Meanwhile, Clara’s eyes are wide open as she does a very good impression of the Doctor not wanting to be hugged, her arms stretched out on either side.  

Oswin pulls back and smiles.

Oswin: You know…that!

Clara looks shocked, her arms still stiffly extended to either side of her.  Oswin steps back a bit further.

Oswin: Uh, Clara?

Clara: What…was…that?

Oswin: I, er, kissed you. So, you never…

Clara (recovering a bit): No! Never! Not once! 

Oswin: Oh.

Clara: Not ever! Not even a little bit! Na da! 

Oswin: Sorry. 

Clara: Nope! No way! 

Oswin: OK, OK! I said I'm sorry.  

Clara: OK. It’s….OK. It’s been that sort of day.  

Sound EFX: Alarms sound throughout the ship. 

Clara AND Oswin: What the hell? 

Captain (over monitors): Attention! All guests and crew! Seek secure stations immediately! I repeat, seek secure stations at once! Starship Alaska is under attack!

Oswin: Under attack?

Clara (muttering): Of course, we’re under attack.

Oswin looks out of the observation window and points at something. 

Oswin: Clara! Look! 

Clara (turning): What? Oh no! Not now! 

Flying through the darkness is a Dalek!

Clara: This is so not good! Oswin, we are in serious trouble!

Oswin: I know a Dalek when I see one!  Trouble doesn’t begin to cover it!

Scene change: the chamber of the Shadow Proclamation. His head lowered, the Doctor looks troubled as the Monk moves about, passionately presenting his argument. The Architect watches from above, her face showing no emotion.  

The Monk: Don’t you understand? Your first action, however horrendous…and oh, it was a horrendous thing to do…but it worked! The Daleks were gone forever! Lifeforms across the infinite universe no longer lived in fear of the Daleks! But you, precious Doctor, could not live with that burden, could you? You re-wrote your own personal history and time fractured. And through those cracks in time, the Daleks fell and renewed the ferocity of their hatred against all things not Dalek. Except now, there was no Gallifrey in their path. No Time Lord council to stand against them!

The Doctor stands silent, his head bowed. Then he lifts his head and his expression is one of grim resolve. 

The Doctor: You. Are wrong.

The Monk: And I say I’m right Doctor and the Shadow Proclamation agrees with me. And you have entered a plea of guilty.

The Doctor: I did that to save the life of my friend!

The Monk: Oh! Perhaps that’s the problem here. Your transgressions against the laws of time in respect to the Time Lords and the Daleks and the imperilment of all creation, maybe it’s too much to grasp. So let’s bring this down to a level that perhaps you will understand. The impact of your recklessness on one single life.

The Doctor: What are you talking…?

The Monk: A random visit to a random planet. You didn’t look ahead, you didn’t check for danger. You never do. You just jumped into a world with reckless abandon, dragging your companions with you. How careless of you, Doctor. How typical. And someone paid a price for that carelessness. A life created and then summarily destroyed because you didn’t see fit to live with the consequences of your actions!

The Doctor: This is madness! What are…?

Woman’s voice (shouting): ENOUGH! 

The Doctor and the Monk turn towards a shadowed area where the shout came from.

The Doctor: Who..?

The Monk: I told you, you must be patient…

A right leg steps from the darkness, clad in padded armor. Her left arm also extends forth and we see it too is padded. We see an outline of the rest of the body still cloaked in shadow.

Woman: No! No more! This mad fool is never going to understand! He will never understand the cost others pay for his betrayals.

The Doctor tilts his head. 

The Doctor: No, it can't be. 

We see more of the woman, covered in body armor, her head is still in shadow. Her right arm reaches to her side.

Woman: The cost others pay for his lies. His many, many lies. It’s rule number one: the Doctor lies!

The Doctor: It's...it's impossible! 

Light halos around her head, her face still obscured but we can see the edges of her long, dark red hair.

Woman: Well, enough, I say! Enough!

The right arm draws out a sword, a shiny blade that glistens in the light.

Woman: The Doctor must pay for his lies!

The woman steps out fully into the light, the armored form of an older and very cross looking Amy Pond.

-----To be continued--------

Next time...

• Yes, that's Old Amy Pond from The Girl Who Waited. What the heck...?
• Not to mention Oswin Oswald, Junior Entertainment Officer of the Starship Alaska! What is going on?
• Starship Alaska vs. a single Dalek? Too bad...for the starship. But don't worry, Clara and Oswin have a plan. Will it involve more kissing? 
• The Doctor's trial comes to an end. Maybe because Amy kills him? For whistling Duck Tales?! 

All that and more with next week's Episode Three of...

Prisoners of the Daleks

Until next time, remember to be good to one another and keeping on having Duck Tales.

Dave-El 
I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You