Why Is Hillary Clinton Still A Thing?

I still remember the soul crushing, stomach churning feeling of the night of November 8^th, 2016, very well.

 

The numbers kept coming in and the inexorable fact was sickeningly unavoidable: American was about to elect a fucking moron for President. 

 

It wasn’t any kind of particular sadness that Hillary Clinton was losing. I mean, I think Satan himself could’ve been on the other side of the ticket from Donald Trump and I would’ve been heartsick that American was electing a fucking moron for President. 

 

So American elected a fucking moron for President, something that fucking moron never lets us forget.

 

So why is Hillary Clinton still a thing? 

 

Trump brings her up repeatedly. Still refers to her by his campaign nickname for her, Crooked Hilary. Fox News pundits breathlessly bloviate over the slightest news that Hillary Clinton was up to the slightest suspect action. 

 

FOX NEWS ALERT!!!

IS HILLARY CLINTON SPYING ON HER NEIGHBORS!!

Hillary Clinton has her neighbors mail!! Hillary Clinton CLAIMS the mail was delivered to her home by accident and delivered to her neighbor when this so-called error was discovered!!

 

FOX NEWS ALERT!!!

WHAT IS HILLARY CLINTON HIDING?!?!

The United States Post Office confirms mail was delivered on Hillary Clinton’s street at 2:00 PM!! Hillary Clinton did not hand over the mail intended for her neighbor until 3:15 PM!!  

 

Sean Hannity: Could Hillary Clinton be in COLLUSION with DEEP STATE Obama loyalists in the United States Post Office?!?!  

15 minutes after Hannity:  

 

Here is REAL COLLUSION! Crooked Hillary still crooked! USPS working against Trump, for Obama! Spying on Americans! Drain the swamp! LOCK HER UP! #MAGA Must build WALL!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump)

 

I feel compelled to clarify that I made up the preceding scenario. I mean, it should be fairly obvious all that stuff above was meant as satire. Unless you’re a fucking moron.

 

Dave-El of the FAILING I’m So Glad My Suffering Amuses You reporting FAKE NEWS! Colluding with Crooked Hillary, Cheating Obama! Dave-El is a LOSER, weak, cries a lot LOSER! I’m President, you are NOT!  #MAGA Drain swamp! MUST BUILD WALL!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump)

 

Anyway.

 

So Hillary Clinton took time out from stealing her neighbor’s mail (Did you NOT see the FOX NEWS ALERT?) to say this:

 

“When he can’t think of anything to say, Trump starts chanting it and you sit there and you think, ‘Does he think I was elected?’ I said something publicly a few months ago, Fox News is always trying to impeach me, so someone needs to tell them that it doesn’t apply to a private citizen.  I would hope that we can change the political culture. Because I don’t want anybody going through that. I don’t care who you are. I don’t care how much I agree or disagree with you. To be lied about persistently, to be vilified is very harmful.”

 

All right, them’s fightin’ words!  

 

From the “Fox & Friends” Twitter feed: “HILLARY AT IT AGAIN. The failed presidential nominee going on yet another post-election rant against President Trump, Putin, & Fox News.”

 

“Fox & Friends” co-host Jackie Ibanez said on-air: “Well it’s been 512 days since Hillary Clinton was historically defeated by President Trump, yet she is still speaking her mind about how she believes America got it all wrong, of course.”  

 

Later on Sean Hannity’s website:  “HILLARY UNHINGED: Clinton Says FOX NEWS is Trying to ‘IMPEACH’ Her.”

 

Jesse Watters on “The Five”: “I don’t even know what to say about her anymore. I really don’t. We’ve run out of things to say about her.”

 

Really? Hillary Clinton’s name has already been mentioned at least 60 times this week on the network. Pretty good coverage for a private citizen who I think doesn’t have a job.

 

You know earlier, when I joked that “Satan himself could’ve been on the other side of the ticket from Donald Trump”, there’s a hardcore demographic of Fox News viewers that think that with Hillary Clinton as the Democratic nominee, Satan was on the other side of the ticket from Donald Trump. And that concept is still good for business over on Fox News.

Which is why is Hillary Clinton still a thing.