With Christmas Day coming up this weekend, the Tuesday TV Touchbase turns towards holiday themed specials.
And we kick off with a doozy over on Disney+, The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special.
This special is here to bring us the true spirit and meaning of the Christmas season as summarized in this song by The Old 97's in alien make-up, I Don't Know What Christmas Is (But Christmastime Is Here).
You know, Santa should have a flame thrower.
Some of those bitches on the naughty list ain't getting the message, if you ask me.
Anyway...
Mantis is concerned about Peter Quill. He's still bummed out that Gamora is gone and Mantis is also worried how Peter might react when he learns that his mad-god father Ego is also her father. Since it's Christmas time on Earth, Mantis and Drax go to Earth to get Peter a Christmas present.
Specifically, they're going to get him Kevin Bacon for Christmas.
Well, Peter has told them so much of Kevin's heroic deeds. Like how he saved a town through the power of dance.
Mantis and Drax are more than a little disappointed to learn that Kevin Bacon is only an actor.
"An actor? Ewww!"
OK, having the sweet, naive and very literal minded Mantis and the dumb as a box of rocks and equally literal minded Drax navigating modern Los Angeles looking for Kevin Bacon is a recipe for disaster so of course hilarity ensues.
Somehow, Mantis and Drax succeed in nabbing Kevin Bacon back into space as a present for Peter Quill.
After Peter addresses how wrong it was that his friends brought him Kevin Bacon as a present like a pet from a pet shop (especially without poking air holes in the gift box), there is much bonding and lessons learned about love, friendship, family (Peter is happy that Mantis is his sister) and the true meaning of Christmas.
In case you're wondering if we get any Groot, yeah, he gets turned into a Christmas tree and he doesn't like it.
Because he said so.
"I am Groot!"
See! Told ya!
Next up is Dolly Parton’s Mountain Magic Christmas. Yes, Andrea and I really watched this and yes, it really is...
Well, it's a thing that exists.
The plot of Dolly Parton’s Mountain Magic Christmas is that Dolly making a holiday TV special called Dolly Parton’s Mountain Magic Christmas.
Doing a show in Lake Tahoe, Dolly Parton is gobsmacked when it starts snowing. Lake Tahoe is a snow ski resort town so snow should be expected but Dolly thinks it's a miracle and decides then and there to do a TV special around a magic mountain Christmas.
Now Dolly Parton is a beloved national treasure who is universally regarded as a sweetheart but all the people responsible for putting on this production seem to live in fear of incurring Dolly's wrath or something.
The special opens in Dollywood with Dolly Parton leading a large crowd down a street singing "Go Tell It On the Mountain". Dolly yells “Jesus Christ is born!” and everyone marching behind her magically responds with “Hallelujah! He is born!”
Dolly sings “He’s alive and I’m forgiven! Heaven’s gates are open wide!” An offering plate comes around and I pass it to Andrea.
Then Jimmy Fallon shows up because this special is on NBC and when Jimmy sold his soul to the devil to become a TV star, it's required for Jimmy Fallon to be on every NBC TV special.
Dolly and Jimmy perform their number at a Dollywood diner because yeah, this special is part (mostly) Dollywood infomercial.
Then a musical dance number blows up as the producers and director bicker and Dolly thinks Satan is trying to get his hooks into Dolly Parton’s Mountain Magic Christmas.
Which leads to a bizarre fever dream of a musical number called "Go To Hell" wherein Dolly consigns the devil back to hell with the power of song and Mountain Magic Christmas, I guess?
I can't even... You know, I just can't.... You know?
I forgot to mention Dolly Parton is visited by Willie Nelson. We know it's him because his bright red headband says "Willie Nelson". But no one else can see him for reasons? Is Dolly high?
Having been super religious, it's time for Dolly Parton to burnish her progressive cred so Dolly performs “Whoever You Are, Be That.” (A country version of “Born This Way”.) Gays and drag queens, Dolly still loves you! Homophobic grandparents, just chill a damn minute! Dolly will get back to Jesus, OK?
But first, Dolly and Miley Cyrus talk about Dollywood roller coasters. NBC viewers, pay up your money and go to Dollywood, damn it!
And I am just scratching the surface of just how disjointed and bizarre this thing called Dolly Parton’s Mountain Magic Christmas is.
I think by the time it was over, part of my brain had melted.
And that is that for the Tuesday TV Touchbase this week.
Next week, I will look back the year gone by in television.
Until next time, remember to be good to one another and try to keep it down in there, would ya? I'm trying to watch TV over here.
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