The Fortress of Ineptitude Halloween Film Fest

A few weeks ago when our daughter Randie was home from college for her fall break visit, she said she wanted to get into a Halloween mood. To that end, we watched 4 films over 4 nights here at the Fortress of Ineptitude. 

I thought on this, the day of Halloween, I would share some thoughts on those movies that were part of the The Fortress of Ineptitude Halloween Film Fest

Edward Scissorhands

The titular Edward is a freak created by science in a dark and sinister castle with sharp blades for hands. But as we discover over the course of the movie, the true monsters are the alleged “normal” people who live in the pastel painted cookie cutter neighborhood below. 

As I noted in my recent review of the animated Addams Family movie, the concept of what we might regard as the grotesque and the strange as not being the true monsters is not a new concept, even when Tim Burton made this movie. It’s a concept Rod Serling visited on several occasions in the Twilight Zone back in the 1950s.  But Edward Scissorhands tells this story very well. 

Johnny Depp as Edward is kind of creepy with his pale death like pallor and those super sharp blades for fingers do make him a genuine hazard. But Edward is a virtual wizard with his scissor hands, sculpting hedges into dramatic topiaries, grooming dogs and women’s hair, the neighborhood embraces their strange but gifted newcomer. But the minute one thing goes wrong, the neighborhood quickly turn against Edward, casting him in the role of the monster he looks like even though his actions are not those of a monster.

Johnny Depp as Edward is remarkably nuanced in his performance. Dianne Wiest is delightful as the Avon sales lady who finds Edward alone in his castle. She has a sunny deposition and an unshakeable belief that there is no problem the right Avon product can’t fix.  

Another acting highlight is the appearance of Vincent Price as the nameless inventor who creates Edward. Vincent had a long history of appearance in horror films both classic and not so classic. Here, he plays against type as an eccentric but kindly scientist who sadly dies mere moments before he can replace Edward’s scissor hands with real hands. 

Coraline

So this is a seriously creepy story from the mind of Neil Gaiman. Coraline, a neglected young girl finds herself in an alternate dimension, a mirror version of her “real” life where her parents are kind and attentive. And they have buttons for eyes.

Life is really weird in this mirror realm but it's hard to dismiss loving and attentive parents. Until her other mom insists on Coraline staying in their realm forever. If Coraline agrees to swap out her eyes for buttons. 

OK, this is one seriously deranged movie. 


Beetlejuice

This is one of those movies that Randie’s been intrigued by for years. She was aware of the basic premise and had seen bits and pieces online but never had a chance to see the whole movie. 
 Well, we finally did.



I’m always a bit antsy with any movie premise that requires your principals to die.  Which is what happens here as the adorkably in love couple of Adam and Barbara Maitland must perish in the first act so their ghosts can haunt their house for the rest of the movie.  Another family moves in from the city with designs to basically redo the whole house in whatever late 1980s nouveau riche miscarriage of design. The Maitlands want nothing like this happening to their house. Efforts to haunt the family out of the house fail miserably so they turns to Betelguese, a psychotic crazed demon person who causes more problems for the Mailtands.



Michael Keaton as Betelgeuse (pronounced "Beetlejuice") is the standout performance of this movie. Tim Burton looked at this guy and said, “There’s my Batman!” But there something about Geena Davis’s eyes that really draws me in.  








Corpse Bride

Victor is the son of a couple who have enormous wealth but zero in social standing.


Victoria is the daughter of a couple who are of a higher social order but are more or less penniless.

 The two couples have arranged a marriage of their respective children to address their respective shortcomings.



It is an arranged marriage and Victor and Victoria have never even met.  But the two meet and they get along rather well, This marriage thing might just work after all. But Victor’s still a nervous wreck, ruining the wedding rehearsal by forgetting his vows. He flees to a nearby forest, practicing his vows while placing the wedding ring on a nearby upturned tree root.


The root, however, is not a root.

It's a finger.


Specifically, the finger of a dead woman named Emily, in a tattered bridal gown, who rises from the grave and claims that she is now Victor's wife.


Things have gotten complicated. 





And seriously weird.


And that's how we roll around here at the Fortress of Ineptitude for movies at Halloween time.

Addams Family

Andrea and I went forth from the Fortress of Ineptitude this past Sunday afternoon to see a movie. As two grown up people with our daughter out of the house, perhaps we opted to go see a grown up movie, maybe the Judy Garland biopic starring Renee Zellweger or The Current War with Benedict Cumberbatch as Thomas Edison.

No, we went to see the animated film The Addams Family

As we sat through the trailers for Trolls Word Tour, Artic Dogs and that damn thing about tough guy firefighters who find their world turned upside down by (gasp!) children, I whispered to Andrea, “We really need to start seeing movies for grown-ups.”

This animated version of The Addams Family had a high bar to get over. As children, Andrea and I watched and enjoyed The Addams Family in syndicated reruns. I know a lot of kids preferred the Munsters but I found the Addams Family to be more darkly ascorbic.  And I thought Morticia was hot. As adults, we were fans of the live action Addams Family movies that came out in the late 1990s.

While the Addams Family 2019 is hardly ground breaking, it does get a lot right. The animation captures the zany style of the original illustrations of cartoonist and creator Charles Addams.  The overall look of the film suggests a style from the earlier works of Tim Burton when he was at the top of his game. The juxtaposition of the gothic darkness of the Addams family home perched on its dark, craggy mountain and the cookie cutter pastel town of Assimilation at the bottom of the mountain echoes the style of Edward Scissorhands.

Indeed, the story of the animated Addams’ owes a lot to that classic Tim Burton. The Addams family may be odd, weird and more than a little bit frightening but the true monsters are the allegedly normal people who turn against their creepy, kooky neighbors. The story is your standard “we’re really not that different and why can’t we get along” shtick, nothing we’ve not seen before.

What makes The Addams Family work, besides the wonderfully rendered animation, are moments with individual characters.  Chloë Grace Moretz, Hit Girl from the Kick Ass movies, is inspired casting as Wednesday Addams, Gomez and Morticia's daughter. Her flat delivery of Wednesday’s more provocative lines underscore that Wednesday is not be trifled with. My favorite scene with Wednesday is when she elects to experience junior high school. Confronting a school bully, Wednesday straight up channels Rorschach from Watchmen: “You might thing I’m imprisoned in here with you. No, you are imprisoned in here with me.”

There are scenes of outright absurdity that plays right to the rule of funny, scenes that might not make sense but damn it, their funny. For example, Lurch, with his characteristic monosyllabic grunts and groans, sits down at a piano and with a beautifully high tenor, sings “Everybody Hurts” by REM.

This animated take on The Addams Family may not be a great movie but it’s fun enough to make for a pleasant afternoon diversion.

Even if Andrea and I were outnumbered by children.

Seriously, we need to start seeing more grown up movies. if for no other reason I can stop seeing trailers for that god awful Artic Dogs movie. 

Take Him Out Of the Ballgame

On Saturday, I posted a rather cynical post entitled “Ain’t Nothing Gonna Happen”.

 

At the heart of that post was that no matter how much damning information is accumulated during the impeachment inquiry, Donald Trump would likely skate by unscathed.

 

Republicans in the House and the Senate are not scared of Li’l Donnie. They are scared of the folks back home, devoted followers of Donald Trump who remain committed to this man with an almost cult-like intensity.

 

One sees Li’l Donnie at his rallies with his circle-jerk gathering of supporters, smiling and applauding every inane thing Trump says and you can’t help but think that in spite of the overwhelming evidence of our eyes and ears that undeniably demonstrates his lack of intelligence, skill or even human empathy, Trump still retains a large and enthusiastic base of support.

 

In the face of all that, it’s hard not to believe that ain’t nothing gonna happen.

 

Then Donald Trump decided to attend a baseball game. Specifically, Game 5 of the World Series between the Houston Astros and the Washington Nationals. 

 

What happens when Li’l Donnie gets in front of a real crowd and not a vetted crowd of cheering cultists and sniveling sycophants?

 

He gets booed, that’s what.

 

When Donald Trump’s big fleshy face was flashed up on the jumbotron, a mighty roar rose up as thousands of voices joined together in a chorus of boos.

 

Interspersed with the boos were some chants of “Lock him up!”

 

Man, irony is a cruel bitch, huh?

 

Maybe, just maybe, the Republicans in the House and the Senate will take this incident to heart and realize that the cheering crowds at Trump rallies do not represent all the folks back home.

 

This is what happens when Donald Trump is forced to face up to the real world and not a stage managed rally calculated to appeal to his ego. 

 

My cynicism not completely erased. With jerrymandered districts back home, the Republicans in the House and the Senate are facing their own stage managed crowds, insulated from a larger reality. Ultimately, I can’t completely let go of the idea that ain’t nothing gonna happen.

 

But in the roar of the crowd at the World Series game Sunday night, there was a brief spark of hope, that maybe, just maybe, something is gonna happen.

Classic Movies II: A Night At the Opera

After watching the 1963 movie musical Bye Bye Birdie on Friday night, my wife Andrea and I took in another classic movie Saturday night, this time going all the way back to 1935.

It was Andrea's first Marx Brothers movie, A Night At the Opera. I haven't seen a Marx Brothers movie since college. 

In Milan, Otis B. Driftwood (Groucho), business manager for wealthy dowager Mrs. Claypool (Margaret Dumont), has arranged with Herman Gottlieb (Sig Ruman), director of the New York Opera Company,  for Mrs. Claypool to invest $200,000 in the opera company, allowing Gottlieb to engage Rodolfo Lassparri (Walter Woolf King), the "greatest tenor since Caruso". 

At the opera house in Milan, chorister Ricardo Baroni (Allan Jones) is in love with the soprano, Rosa Castaldi (Kitty Carlisle), who is also being courted by Lassparri who angles to have Rosa cast as the female lead in Gottlieb's New York production. 

Driftwood, Mrs. Claypool, Rosa, Lassparri and Gottlieb all set sail from Italy to New York aboard an ocean liner and if all this seems straightforward enough, that's because I'm not adding the anarchic bits involving characters played by Chico (Fiorello) and Harpo (Tomasso) Marx and various shenanigans that ensue. Not to mention that Groucho's Driftwood is in constant motion looking to con every dollar he can out of Mrs. Claypool.  

Even if you've never seen A Night At the Opera, there's a good chance you have seen a clip of the stateroom scene. 

Driftwood plans a rendezvous with Mrs. Claypool in his stateroom. Then he finds out how small it is (a third class cabin, about the size of a janitor's closet), and that he, his steamer trunk, and the bed barely fit in it. Driftwood discovers that Fiorello, Tomasso, and Ricardo have stowed away in his steamer trunk and discarded his clothes. Fiorello insists on eating ("We getta food or we don't go"). Driftwood calls a steward ("I say, Stew") and orders dinner. 

Driftwood: And two medium-boiled eggs.
Fiorello: (inside room): And two hard-boiled eggs.
Driftwood: And two hard-boiled eggs.
Tomasso: (inside room): (honk)
Driftwood: Make that three hard boiled eggs. 

This continues until Fiorello and Tomasso each have ordered about a dozen hard-boiled eggs and Driftwood has ordered about everything else.  

Fiorello and Tomasso have to hide out in the room while a parade of people walk in, asking to either use the cabin, or to perform their regular duties. Crammed into this little space at the end of the scene are Driftwood, Fiorello, Tomasso, Ricardo, two cleaning ladies who make up the bed, a manicurist, a ship's engineer and his fat assistant, a girl passenger looking for her aunt, a maid (Maid: "I come to mop up." Driftwood: "You'll have to start on the ceiling.") and four waiters with trays of food.

Driftwood: "Is it my imagination, or is it getting crowded in here?"). 

All told, there are 15 people inside a room the size of a broom closet and all of them come tumbling out into the hallway when Mrs. Claypool opens the door. 

A Night At the Opera  also contains this classic scene as Driftwood and Fiorello discuss a contract. 

Fiorello: Hey, wait, wait. What does this say here, this thing here?
Driftwood: Oh, that? Oh, that's the usual clause that's in every contract. That just says, uh, it says, uh, if any of the parties participating in this contract are shown not to be in their right mind, the entire agreement is automatically nullified.
Fiorello: Well, I don't know...
Driftwood: It's all right. That's, that's in every contract. That's, that's what they call a sanity clause.
Fiorello: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You can't fool me. There ain't no Sanity Clause! 

A Night At the Opera actually features real opera with scenes from I Pagliacci and Il Trovatore featuring Kitty Carlisle and Allan Jones who were both trained opera singers. There's also a couple of big production song numbers with the song Alone, when the steamship leaves Italy, and the song Cosi Cosa at the Italian buffet.   

These musical sequences do not involve the Marx Brothers and are played straight. That's a big risk for the ostensible stars of the movie to take a back seat to other performers. But given the kinetic nature of the brothers' comedy performances, these breaks are most welcome to give us a break before the next round of insanity begins.  

There is a musical respite in the form of Harpo Marx who plays an extended solo number on a harp with a high level of practiced skill and talent.  

But when Groucho and his brothers are on, they are a major laugh riot. Watching the Marx Brothers in action is like watching a live action Bugs Bunny cartoon.  

OK, that's that for our weekend foray into classic cinema. In my next post, Andrea and I abscond from the Fortress of Ineptitude to see a movie of more recent vintage.   

Until next time, remember to be good to one another and also, there ain't no sanity clause. 

Now go have a couple of hard boiled eggs.

HONK! 

Make that three hard boiled eggs. 

Classic Movies: Bye Bye Birdie

It's been a weekend for classic movies here at the Fortress of Ineptitude. 

Friday night, Andrea and I watched Bye Bye Birdie, a film from 1963 based on the Tony award winning play. I DVR'd the film from TCM because I remembered Andrea telling me she was in a production of Bye Bye Birdie when she was in high school.  

The story centers around a teen music sensation named Conrad Birdie who has been drafted into the army which has the entire population of teenage girls in America and around the world even in a major tizzy. 

To capitalize on this pop culture frenzy, a stunt is devised where Conrad Birdie will appear on The Ed Sullivan show to sing a new song and give one lucky teenage fan girl one last kiss before he goes off to the army.  

The film follows the frenzy of activity and media attention leading up to the TV appearance its affect on all the people involved. 

Dick Van Dyke reprises his Broadway role as Albert Peterson while making his feature film debut.  

Also coming over from the Broadway production is Paul Lynde as Harry MacAfee, a married father of two children. Accepting Paul Lynde as a heterosexual is perhaps the film's biggest challenge.  

Ann-Margret as Kim MacAfee, the lucky girl chosen for Conrad's last kiss makes her movie debut. I know this makes me sound like a total perve since Ann-Margret's character is a teenage high schooler and I'm at least 40 years removed from being in high school, but damn, Ann-Margret is alluring as hell in this movie.  Would it help to know that Ann-Margret was actually 22 years old when she made this movie? No, it probably wouldn't. That's still way younger than me. 

The story of Conrad Birdie going off to the army was inspired by the true story of singer Elvis Presley being drafted into the United States Army in 1957. Jesse Pearson plays the role of teen idol Conrad Birdie but I wondered what if Elvis Presley himself had played the part, poking fun at his own teen idol image. 

Well, it turns out the producers of the film did want Elvis to play Conrad. I don't know if Elvis himself would've thought playing Conrad would be a hoot but manager Colonel Tom Parker rejected the idea as he did not want Presley in any roles that were parodies of himself or his career. 

Ann-Margret would get to co-star with Elvin in 1964's Viva Las Vegas.  

While the film is definitely a part of late 1950s and early 1960s culture, it's themes of fame and success and what we're prepared to do or not do to achieve or hold on to that fame and success are still relevant. 

Bye Bye Birdie was a light, fun diversion and I found the movie quite enjoyable.  

In my next post, Andrea and I watch another classic movie as we go back to 1935.   

“Ain’t Nothing Gonna Happen.”

I have of late avoided the subject of Donald Trump specifically and the current state of politics generally on this blog.

 

My state of mind in this arena can be summed up this quote:  “Ain’t nothing gonna happen.”

 

About a month ago, Saturday Night Live presented a sketch centering around a political panel discussion show where the host and 2 of the panelists are in a tizzy of excitement over the impeachment inquiry and the constant stream of revelations of Trump’s multiple impeachable offenses. Keenan Thompson’s character has this to say: “Ain’t nothing gonna happen.”

 

The other panelists are incredulous over this attitude, citing the overwhelming list of damning corroboration of Trump’s misdeeds.  Thompson hold firm in his opinion: “Ain’t nothing gonna happen.”

 

This prompts a flashback to an earlier edition of the show where the host and 2 of the panelists are in a tizzy of excitement over the Mueller report and the numerous examples of Trump’s obstruction of justice. Then, as now, Thompson’s character has only this to say: “Ain’t nothing gonna happen.”

 

There’s another flashback, this time to 2016 where the host and 2 of the panelists are in a tizzy of excitement over the recording of Trump saying he likes to grab women by the p***y and how surely this would mean the end of any chance of Trump being elected. Even in 2016, Thompson’s character can only observe: “Ain’t nothing gonna happen.”

 

The sketch became more memorable for the technical glitch near the end when Aidy Bryant breaks. To facilitate the flashbacks, the cast was changing bits and pieces of their wardrobe with ties, jackets, eyeglasses, sweaters and more being put on or taken off. There a bit near the end where a wardrobe person winds up on camera in a moment of panic and when the sketch resumes, Aidy has lost it in a fit of giggles.

 

But the basic message of the sketch stays with me.

 

Every time my wife Andrea breathlessly informs me of some new damn thing or another that should represent a final nail in Donald Trump’s political coffin, I can only reply, “Ain’t nothing gonna happen.”

 

We have a whistleblower report that says Donald Trump dangled military aid to Ukraine to coerce Ukraine’s president to open investigations into Trump’s political rivals.

We have a transcript from the White House that shows he did that.

We have witnesses testifying to Congress he did that.

Hell, we have Trump on camera urging foreign governments to investigate his political rivals.

 

Does any of this matter? 


For any of this to matter, there has to be a clear eyed and objective assessment of the facts of the case. It shouldn't come down to whether one is Democrat or Republican. Did Donald Trump withhold funds approved as military aid to an ally to further his own person political vendetta?


Time and time and time again, the available evidence keeps piling up that Donald Trump did exactly that which is NOT in keeping with his duties as defined by the constitution. 


But Republicans in Congress continue to put fealty to Trump ahead of their duties to the Constitution and to the country they are supposed to serve.


Let the evidence pile up. As long as half of the politicians in Washington are in lock step with their loyalty to Donald Trump over all other considerations, well, you know what's going to happen.

 

“Ain’t nothing gonna happen.”

Doctor Who: Over the Bridge

Whoops!

Looked like I missed Thursday.

Well, I never could quite get the hang of Thursdays.

Hey, I haven’t posted about Doctor Who lately.

Whazzup in the world of Who?

Filming for Doctor Who recently took place on Clifton Suspension Bridge on October 22^nd. 

OK, we’re assuming it was for Doctor Who since swarming over the Clifton Suspension Bridge on October 22^nd were Daleks.

 Yep, the irritable pepperpots of doom are back for Doctor Who Series 12.

Or the Daleks could be there filming an episode of The Crown.

You never quite know.

One should not jump to conclusions. 

Star Wars: Awaiting the Rise of Skywalker.

So the latest (and presumably last)  trailer for the Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker dropped Monday night.   

I am… interested?

Star Wars and I have a complicated relationship.

In the hierarchy of sci-fi franchises, Star Wars brings up the rear behind Star Trek and (of course) Doctor Who. I have never been as invested in the broader mythology of Star Wars like I am with Trek and Who.

I go to see the movies. I enjoy them well enough while I’m watching them but the universe of Star Wars just doesn’t resonate with me beyond the visceral experience of the movies.

I mean, how big of a Star Wars fan can I be when I consider Solo to be my favorite Star Wars movie.

Seriously. I’m not kidding. I really actually genuinely and sincerely enjoyed Solo.

I will confess that I am into Star Wars enough that when the first trailer dropped for The Force Awakens, I most definitely fanboy squeed when Han and Chewie enter the Millennium Falcon while Han says, “Chewie, we’re home.”

But beyond that moment, I’ve not been impressed with the new Star Wars.

I will say I love the character of Rey. I think she has proven to be a worthy successor as the heroic lead of this saga. But so far, her efforts, however powerful and noble, have not been in service to a compelling story.

Kylo Ren is a petulant emo brat, a poor alternative to Darth Vader. 

Poe Dameron, who could’ve been the new generation’s Han Solo, is a disappointment. His actions in The Last Jedi almost put him in the role of the antagonist. 

Flynn, newly escaped from the Stormtroopers, was interesting but verges on being a cypher of little importance. 

In fact, there is a lot that The Last Jedi needs to answer for.

The return of Palpatine in The Rise of Skywalker bodes well for providing a sinister foe of incredible power and menace. Maybe this just might be the single menace to unite our disparate crew into a truly effective team, worthy of the legacy of Luke, Han and Leia.

For the loving memory of Carrie Fisher, I hope Leia gets the ending she deserves. 

OK, so maybe I care more than I let on.

Remember to be good to one another. And may the force be with you. 

Maleficent: Mistress of Evil

Over the weekend, Andrea and I ventured forth from the Fortress of Ineptitude to go see Maleficent: Mistress of Evil. This is the first movie Andrea and I have seen together just the two of us since Randie went off to college.  We also saw Maleficent: Mistress of Evil without benefit of reading any reviews; we thought it looked cool and that was sufficient cause. Also we saw Maleficent: Mistress of Evil without ever seeing the first Maleficent movie from 2014. Still, Andrea and I are Disney savvy people with a working knowledge of Sleeping Beauty so it wasn’t too hard to pick up on the ins and outs of this world.

For a movie with “Mistress of Evil” in the title, Maleficent does very little “Evil Mistressing”.  Oh yeah, she dresses in sinister black, has sharp cheek bones that would cut diamond, has wicked looking horns growing out of her head and her magic power sparks and burns around her with that sickening green hue we associate with demonic powers. And she’s portrayed by Angelina Jolie. So a lot of strikes against her in the whole “Mistress of Evil” department. 

But mostly, Maleficent is more a “Mistress of Poor Social Skills” than of actual evil. 

There’s someone else vying for the title of “Mistress of Evil”. 

Five years after the events of the previous movie, Aurora reigns as Queen of the Moors where all manner of magic folk and critter dwell. Maleficent serves as protector of the Moors.

Meanwhile, Maleficent continues to be regarded as the villain by the neighboring kingdom of Ulstead, home to Prince Phillip who is in love with Aurora and asks her to marry him. She says yes and this is when the trouble starts.  Or rather trouble starts when Phillip’s parents, King John and Queen Ingrith, invite Aurora and Maleficent to celebrate this engagement. 

John’s an affable sort who prefers peaceful co-existence to war. Ingrith is a bit more tightly wound.  All through dinner, Ingrid keeps snidely provoking Maleficent until Maleficent lose her tenuous grip on her considerable temper. In an outburst of her mystic powers, it appears that John has been cursed to a death like slumber, much like the one that befell Aurora in the original fairy tale. 

 But it’s not Maleficent who has cursed the good king. John’s own wife, Ingrith, has done the terrible deed herself.  Indeed, we discover Ingrith has been playing a long and sinister game for Ulstead to conquer and take the Moors while killing every single one of the magic folk and critters that dwell there. 

It is Ingrith who’s laying down the serious claim to the title of “Mistress of Evil”. 

This becomes a seriously intense movie as it barrels towards its resolution as Ingrith exposes the depths of her hatred and the lengths she is willing to go to give action to that hatred.

I would say that Maleficent: Mistress of Evil is serviceable towards telling its story even if I don't think it provokes the sense of wonder and awe one might expect from the experience.

The movie truly shines whenever Angelina Jolie is on screen, trying to have Maleficent learn how to smile in a way that is pleasant and not scary beyond all reason. 

In the Vicinity of Fame With Diane Keaton

This is as close as I can get to an encounter with celebrity. 

It so happens that actress Diane Keaton was in Greensboro on Friday and popped by a Chick-Fil-A for lunch.  

And not just any Chick-Fil-A but the very one I was popping by to pick up lunch for Andrea and myself.  

See the photo below of Diane Keaton posing with staff from the Chick-Fil-A. See the window behind them?  

My car could be passing by in the drive-thru lane at that very moment. 

OK, the operative word there is "could". 

Yes, Diane Keaton and I were at the same Chick-Fil-A on the same day but not exactly at the same moment in time. 

Reports says that Ms. Keaton was "amazed by how quick the service was because of how busy they were when she stopped in."  Diane and I do agree that Chick-Fil-A is very efficient, even during rush times. That particular location is usually very good at providing excellent service. 

Diane Keaton was described as "super sweet, genuine and outgoing!"  

Keaton was in town for the Fall Furniture Market in High Point to promote the launch of Keaton Industries and the debut of her industrial-chic lighting collection with Aidan Gray, a Market exhibitor.

And enjoy waffle fries.  

Hey, I enjoy waffle fries. Diane Keaton & I have so much in common.  

I Just Can’t Stop Watching M*A*S*H - Part Five

Today we finally reach the last installment of I Can’t Stop Watching M*A*S*H.

I’m going to be honest, when I first launched this series of posts, I thought that writing about a TV series that I have watched and enjoyed repeatedly over the last decades would inspire a greater level of passion. Instead, I seemed to have often resorted to a rote recitation of some of my favorite episodes. Sorry about that. I intended this series to be something more.   

I think trying to elucidate why I have enjoyed watching M*A*S*H repeatedly can be fraught with contradictions because M*A*S*H itself was a contradiction. Showing us that war is hell, M*A*S*H dared to make us laugh. While we were laughing, M*A*S*H would dare to remind us that war is hell.  But as much as M*A*S*H challenged us watching, repeated viewings of 11 years’ worth of episodes has also made M*A*S*H comfortable.  

Which may explain why the series finale remains so controversial.  

“Goodbye, Farewell and Amen” is one last big hurrah for the 4077^th.  The many record-breaking viewers at home when the finale first aired on February 28, 1983 were looking for a warm blanket of love to cuddle under to say goodbye as the doctors, nurses and staff escape from under the shadow of war and finally go home.  

Instead, the show offers some of the biggest challenges to date. Not everyone is going home undamaged. And the biggest of those damages happens to Hawkeye.  

If there is any consistent point to be found over the 11 years of evolving storytelling on M*A*S*H, it’s the fragile state of Hawkeye’s mental stability.  Yes, Dr. Benjamin Franklin Pierce is a surgical prodigy. Hawkeye has a quick wit and fast quip for the absurdities for American jingoism, military rigidity and the bloody horrors of war. But Hawk’s mental state is delicately balanced between controlled chaos vs. a total descent into madness.  

“Goodbye, Farewell and Amen” takes a sledgehammer to that delicate balance.   

The episode opens at an army mental hospital where Hawkeye is the perturbed guest of Dr. Sidney Freedman. Hawk doesn’t think he belongs there; Sidney thinks otherwise. There are flashbacks to a bus trip to Inchon where some of the staff of the 4077^th are spending a day at the beach.

(In all the years the show was on, I never knew until this episode that going to Inchon to spend some time at the beach was a thing.) 

The trip back to the camp is of particular interest to Sidney as Hawkeye’s retelling of those events keeps folding in new details they left out before. It’s just the 4077^th staff on the bus. No, there’s a soldier who needs a ride. No, now the soldier is injured. Also, now there are some Korean villagers on the bus. Each pass of the story keeps adding details.  

After dark, the bus as to stop to hide from a passing enemy patrol. One of the villagers, a woman, has a chicken that is making noise which can reveal their position to the enemy. The woman strangles the chicken.  

Except it wasn’t a chicken.   

As Hawkeye breaks down in a torrent of tears and pain, he finally recalls the last detail that he’s been hiding from Sidney and from himself.  It wasn’t a chicken. It was the woman’s baby.  

Watching from the safety of home, it’s enough to give the viewer a psychotic break.  

Hawkeye’s mental breakdown is not enough to send him back to Crabapple Cove in Maine. Nope, it’s back to the 4077^th and more meatball surgery.  

We do have 2 more hours of episode to get through.

Well, there is a lot going on in this episode.

Charles encounters some captured Chinese soldiers who are also musicians and our cultured major attempts to teach them how to play Mozart correctly.  Or to put in a different perspective, as Col . Potter puts it, “The Chinese have been torturing Winchester for several days now.” 

When the Chinese prisoners are taken away, Charles implores for them to stay. They are musicians and he has so much more to teach them.  But the Chinese must go and as their truck drives away, Charles’ Chinese chamber orchestra produce their instruments and serenade the major with Mozart as they are driven away.  Charles can only sadly and wistfully watch as they and their music fade away into the distance.

But later, wounded begin pouring into the 4077^th from a fierce shelling attack and among the dead killed in the attack are the Chinese prisoners. After a brutal session in the OR, Charles returns to the Swamp to play some Mozart on his record player. Only to find music does not bring him comfort or solace. Frustrated and angry, Charles snatches the record from the turntable and smashes it,

Man, this episode is brutal. 

Also Father Mulcahy gets caught too close a bomb blast during a shell attack and loses his hearing.

Really! We're going to hurt Mulcahy too?!?!

The thing is “Goodbye, Farewell and Amen” is a bit ahead of its time. Back it when it first aired, the idea of a story arc over the course of part or all of a season was not a story telling device in most prime time television. I think if “Goodbye, Farewell and Amen”, the stories presented in this one big movie event would be told over a series of episodes. I think the hurts endured by Hawkeye, Charles and Mulcahy would've made some outstanding episodes over the course of a series winding down to its end. Those stories would've been better regarded on their own instead of being in service to a larger finale determined to hurt as many people in this damn war before it ends.

The last hour of “Goodbye, Farewell and Amen” is the warm blanket of love to cuddle under to say goodbye to the doctors, nurses and staff of the 4077th. Even then, we still get one big surprise. At least one of our cast is NOT leaving Korea. And its the one person who has done every damned thing he could think of for almost the entire run of the series to get out of Korea.

Klinger has fallen in love with a Korean woman named Soon Yi who accepts Klinger's proposal of marriage but can't agree to leave Korea while her parents are still missing. So Klinger invites the camp to his wedding to Soon Yi and announces he's staying in Korea.

Klinger, of all people, choosing to stay in Korea?

After the wedding, everyone says their goodbyes to one another. Hawkeye's farewell to Margaret is a very long kiss that has BJ, Potter and Winchester standing around awkwardly, checking their watches.

After the (very, very long) kiss....

Hawkeye: "Well, bye."

Margaret: "See ya."

The very last scene has its detractors. Hawkeye and BJ are the last to leave. BJ rides off on the motorcycle he's been tinkering with for several episodes while Hawkeye hitches a ride on a helicopter. As he ascends, he sees BJ's last message, spelled out in stones on the ground: "GOOD BYE". 

Is it sappy? Or maudlin? Oh absolutely. But after 11 seasons, I think its earned. I personally have no problem with the ending.

Pulling off a series finale that will please the audience is almost an impossible thing to do. Yes, there are issues and flaws in “Goodbye, Farewell and Amen” but I think the good outweighs the bad and for all the bad things that happen in the final hours of the show to Hawkeye, Charles and Mulcahy, I suppose things could've been worse.

One of the characters could've been killed off. I'm glad that didn't happen.

Unless after the credits rolled, BJ broke his neck on that damn motorbike careening down a Korean hillside.

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In a recent post to his blog, Ken Levine offered up his 10 most favorite episodes from the entire run of M*A*S*H. 

How did one of the best writers on M*A*S*H rank his 10 best choices?  

The Interview
This is one is a frequently cited classic with the M*A*S*H crew interviewed in the form of a half hour documentary.  

The More I See You

Hawkeye the notorious womanizer is brought low by true love. A nurse arrives at the 4077th. Hawkeye used to have be in a relationship with her and he's never gotten over her. But she's married now. Ain't that always the way, Hawkeye. Ain't it always the way.   

The General Flipped at Dawn

A lot of fans concur with Ken that this one is a favorite episode. It is not one of mine. Harry Morgan makes a pre-Colonel Potter appearance as a general who has (as the title tells us) flipped. I'm not exactly sure why I did not care for this one as much as other M*A*S*H fans.   

Point of View

I agree with Ken on this selection. Nice of Ken to give one of his own scripts a shout out on this list. 

Hawkeye

Ken may like this one but its a divisive one among a lot of M*A*S*H fans. Alan Alda is the only cast member to appear in this episode where Hawkeye sustains a concussion in a Jeep accident. Stuck with a Korean farm family, Hawkeye has to keep up a running monologue to keep himself awake and not succumb to the concussion before help arrives.  

It is a full half hour of Hawkeye in full Hawkeye mode and it can be a bit much.

Tuttle

A first season classic that I enjoyed too. 

Out of Sight/Out of Mind

A great first script from writers Ken Levine and David Isaacs as Hawkeye has to contend with blindness after an accident. It's one of my favorites that I referenced in this post.   

Abyssinia Henry

I agree with this choice. 

Sometimes You Hear a Bullet

Often referenced by fans as the episode that pushed M*A*S*H away from its more sit-com like beginnings into something deeper and more nuanced.  This is the first episode in which the medical staff failed to save a wounded soldier,

Goodbye Radar

The swan song for both Radar O'Reilly and the M*A*S*H writing of Levine & Isaacs is a good one for this list.  

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So that is that for this series of post,  I Just Can’t Stop Watching M*A*S*H. As I write this, it's Saturday afternoon and right now, on Sundance TV, M*A*S*H is on right now. 

It's time for lunch. I'm going to grab a bit to eat, take it to the couch and flip on the ol' TV. 

After all, I just can’t stop watching M*A*S*H.