Friday, December 12, 2014

Broken News For Friday, December 12th, 2014

Hi there! I'm Dave-El and this is my blog, I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You and I can assure you there's no torture here! 

So today's Friday and that means a new edition of bROkEN nEWs!

So, yeah, I lied about that whole "no torture" thing. Sorry. 

Would it make it better if I tell you there's a hot Victoria's Secret model at the end?

Thought it might.  

bROkEN nEWs is up in 5...





So the big story this week was the release of the Senate report on the CIA's "Enhanced Interrogation Techniques". No, not torture as referenced in this headline from last week's bROkEN nEWs.

#BrokenNews "Torture Report Will Not Use The Word 'Torture'" In fact, the report will not use ANY words; it will be delivered by mimes.  

So no, it was NOT delivered by mimes but as much as people hate mimes, I think I could've gone whole life just fine not hearing the phrase "rectally infused hummus". Yeah, that's a thing in the report.  
#BrokenNews "Bush Defends CIA 'Patriots'" Yes, "patriots" that sought to protect our 
precious freedoms of life, liberty and the pursuit of kicking a naked man in the balls. 

While Bush was delivering "Heckuva Job, Brownie" accolades to his all star waterboarding 

team (they took 1st prize at the 2003, 2004 and 2007 Waterboarding National 
Championships), his former Vice President crawled into the light from whatever dark, 
gothic lair of evil he resides in to offer his opinion of the torture report. 
#BrokenNews "Dick Cheney Calls Report A Bunch Of Hooey" And Dick has delivered shitloads of hooey so maybe the man knows what he's talking about. 

Outdoor Christmas decorations go up
at the Cheney's Lair of Evil. 

#BrokenNews "In Wake Of Torture Report, U.S. Releases Last Detainees In Afghanistan" The detainees looked around and said, "Oh fuck! We're still in Afghanistan! When will the torture ever end?" 

#BrokenNews "The One Man In Jail For CIA Torture Tried To Expose It" So with this guy in jail and the guy who video recorded the Eric Gardner death being indicted, I think we can all agree that America is a much better and safer place. 

#BrokenNews "Brian Williams To Ex-CIA Chief: What If Your Family Were Tortured?" I guess it would be about the same if Brian Williams' family was forced to watch NBC Nightly News everyday. 

#BrokenNews "Quarter Of The World's Countries Helped CIA Run Torture Program" One of those countries was Canada where I wonder if the torture there went a little something like this:

Sounds EFX: Koo Koo Koo Koo Koo Koo Koo Kooooooooooo! Koo Koo Koo Koo Koo Koo Koo Kooooooooooo!

Bob: Hi! Welcome to The Great White North! I'm Bob McKenzie and this is my brother Doug.

Doug: Hey, how's it going, eh?

Bob: OK, today's topic is about torture, eh.

Doug: Torture and beer. And back bacon!

Bob: No, you hoser, it's just torture. We're helping out the Americans with some terrorists. So here's how I would--

Doug: Can I have a beer while I'm torturing a terrorist?

Bob: No, this is serious, Doug, OK! Anyway, I would go up to the terrorist and I would say, 
"OK, Mr. Terrorist Person, tell us the locations and plans and stuff of your fellow terrorists. You know, if you don't mind. No?"

Doug: Then I would say, "OK, you leave us no choice but to use torture. Is that OK? Are you ready? OK, then, tell us what what you know, you know---"

Bob: You know, "within reason". 

Doug: Oh, OK. So, OK. "Mr. Terrorist Person, tell me about this whole terrorism thing." 

Bob: Yeah, and if the terrorist won't talk, then we'll dangle a tasty doughnut from Tim Hortons in front of him. 

Doug: And he doesn't get to eat it. Oh yeah, Canadians play rough, OK, eh. 

Bob: I dunno, Doug. Maybe that's a bit too rough, huh? 

Doug: OK, so we let him eat half the doughnut then I tell the terrorist, "OK, if you don't talk, you don't get the other half of this Tim Horton's doughnut."  

Bob: Yeah, that's showing that terrorist you don't mess with Canadians, eh? 

Doug: You know, he might as well finish the other half too, just to tidy up.

Bob: Good point. No one wants half a doughnut just lying around. OK, then, that's enough about torture for today here on The Great White North, So, have a good day, eh?

Doug: Well, that topic didn't go over well at all.

Bob: It would've if you didn't give the terrorist the whole doughnut. 

Doug: We shoulda done a topic about beer. 

Bob: Yeah, we should play to our strengths. 

---FADE OUT---

Hey, there's shit going on other than the torture report, right? 

#BrokenNews"Elite Group Of Lawyers Receive Unprecedented Advantage At Supreme Court" Use of the extra soft Supreme Court Justice's toilet paper.  

#BrokenNews "Scott Walker's Hanukkah Message: 'Molotov'!"In the grand debate of "Which is smaller?" Scott Walker's brain gains a point over his dick.

But you know, so the guy said "molotov" instead of "mazeltov". It's really nothing to get fired up about. 

Yeah, I went there. Sorry. 

#BrokenNews "The Koch Machine Gets Even Bigger" Even as their dicks get smaller. 

Oops! Two small dick oriented punchlines in a row. Where the fuck is the quality control around here? 

#BrokenNews "Rick Perry Speaks Out About His Famous 'Oops' Moment" Rick felt awkward, humiliated and...some other third thing. 

Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX) summons the
power of the ancient Iron Fist.

#BrokenNews "LeBron Breaks Royal Protocol" Lebron James actually touched Kate Middleton, instantly impregnating her with 3 additional babies. 

#BrokenNews "Pizza Hut Now Offers A Doritos Crust" The mutual unhealthiness of pizza and Doritos cancel each other out! Really, it's just like eating a salad!

This week, Time Magazine named it's Persons of the Year:


#BrokenNews "The Victoria's Secret Show Moments That You Need To See" Models prancing around in their underwear? I would say the "moments I need to see" would be all of them. 

In her mind, she is away in her happy place which is
being anywhere without those damn wings on her back!

Yeah, there's nothing better than watching some hot women cavorting about in sexy lingerie. I'd like to see somebody try to beat that. 

#BrokenNews "The World's Largest Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Can Be Yours" I stand corrected.

This is...a dream come true! (sniff!) 


And that's a wrap on this week's bROkEN nEWs. Thanks for reading today. I know I touched on same fairly controversial topics in today's post so if anything caused you any offense or concern, please feel free to report this to the bROkEN nEWs Complaint Department. 

Hey, who's working the desk today? 

"Excuse me! You want to complain
about what to who now?" 

Phil! How you doing', buddy? Hey, have you lost some weight?


Some blog business before I go: 

Yeah, I haven't posted anything since Sunday. That sporadic schedule is likely to continue through the rest of December although I hope I can deliver at least 3 or 4 posts a week. 

In two days, it's my Doctor Who Weekend post as I present Episode Four of my fan fiction, The Son of the Master. Last week's installment had waffles and a very violent death. What's next for the Doctor, the Master (the one with his head in a jar) and his son? Be here in 2 days for that. 


Next Friday, I will be back with another...and final...installment of bROkEN nEWs

Yes, I said "final". 

"bROkEN nEWs is ending? That's GREAT!"

More on that next week as I kick out the jam to send bROkEN nEWs on its way. 

(I'm not entirely sure I have any jam I can kick.) 

Until next time, remember to be good to one another. 



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