Today is Friday and if it's Friday, then it's time for bROkEN nEWs!
But today's post is tinged with a bit of sadness, possibly also indigestion.
bROkEN nEWs is coming to an end.
No, I'm not capitulating to North Korean cyber-terrorists but today's post is the almost but not quite last posting of my weekly news satire, bROkEN nEWs.*
*I'll explain more at the end of the post.**
**Also at the end of the post there may be female women of the opposite sex.
Fuck it, I'll be remiss. Colbert can shill for his own damn self! This is ME time!
Today's epic finale of bROkEN nEWs is brought to you by....
Home of the McMatter Sandwich-like Thing! If you don't give a mcfuck about your mcfood, then come on down to McSpazmatron's. Caution: our clown mascot may in fact try to mckill you.
A tasty way to have a nice healthy salad in a cup or a thermos. Avoid the question of "soup or salad". Have BOTH with new SaladSoup!
A convenient way for women to enjoy a hot, tasty snack on the go. Special pastries filled with stuff that looks like food...ish, Bra Pockets can be heated up pressed against the nurturing warmth of your female breasts.
Coming soon for men: Ball Pockets! It would look kind of like this:
Uh, if you been inadvertently turned gay by looking at that, I'm ...sorry?
The final installment of bROkEN nEWs gets underway in 5...
#BrokenNews "Romney Is Warming Up To A 2016 Run" Mitt's installed new sincerity software
#BrokenNews "Karl Rove Defends Rectal Feeding" Look, if that was a good enough way for Mama Rove to feed her son Karl, then damn it, Uncle Sam should be able to rectally feed terrorists.
#BrokenNews "Obama Announces Breakthrough In U.S., Cuba Policy" It breaks down like this:
1) Fidel Castro was a douche.
2) The US has been total dicks about that.
3) Now we're buddies.
#BrokenNews "McConnell: Passing Keystone Bill Will Be My First Action" After 6 years of doing nothing, why start now?
And Mitch, don't think I'm letting bROkEN nEWs go out without one of these:
Thank you! This has been...for the last time...
#BrokenNews "Congress Extends $42 Billion In Tax Breaks With Payout For Corporations" However, for 47th year in a row, there is no budget for giving suckers an even break.
#BrokenNews "Putin Warns: U.S. Cannot Defang Russian Bear" To be honest, the U.S. is probably not up on bear defanging. Which is why we just shoot things.
#BrokenNews "Putin's Economy On The Brink Of Collapse" Putin has no idea what to do! "Should I invade Ukraine again? Or take off my shirt? The people love it when I take off my shirt!"
Perhaps he should get back into the snack business.
#BrokenNews "NASA Rover May Have Found Evidence Of Life On Mars" Well, let's see what the NASA Rover has to say about that.
Yeah, I thought so.
Man, I'm going to miss you, NASA Rover.
#BrokenNews "Brazilian Congressman Tells Colleague She's Not Worth Raping" And you, Mr. Brazillian Congressman Douchebag, are not worth having your dick cut off and shoved up your own ass! No, wait! You ARE!
#BrokenNews "ISIS Reportedly Releases Guide On How To Treat Sex Slaves" Be sure to use the woman's name when you call her a fuckin' whore. People response better when you remember their name.
#BrokenNews "Sex Predator Wins Florida Lottery" To be fair, the odds that a sex predator would win a lottery in Florida are pretty damn high.
#BrokenNews "Why Are We So Scared Of Nipples?" Scared of nipples? HA!
Okay, maybe just a little.
#BrokenNews "'Don't Jerk And Drive' Campaign Pulled" Yes, this really was a thing*.
And you know what? Jerking is indeed not a joke.
It's seven jokes!
Time to unleash....
- I thought the campaign should've been pulled AND yanked!
- So it's come to this, huh?
- Gives a new meaning to "stick shift"!
- Also "crankshaft"!
- After you crank it, don't crank it!
- It's not OK simply because you say you're on a "masturdate"!
- If your car gets stolen why you're jerking it, is that a carjackoff?
*And yes, I know this was a South Dakota ad campaign "intended to keep people from over correcting and jerking their steering wheels in icy conditions". But come on....
#BrokenNews "Aide Claims GOP Congressman Said He Had Wet Dreams About Her" Apparently in his dreams, the aide was wearing sexy lingerie while repealing Obamacare.
|I don't know but something seems a bit|
odd about this cosmetics counter
at Macy's. Or is just me?
Hey, hey, hey! Here's an old buddy we haven't seen around these parts in several months. Give it up, y'all, one last time, for the one...the only....
"8 Things Every Woman Should Know About Men Over 50"
- Yes, something like this HAS happened before!
- Dirty talk includes discussing gains in his 401K.
- Men over 50 still want to party all night long. But they can't.
- If a man over 50 forgets, just gently remind him where your vagina is.
- If he's wearing black socks with shorts, just shoot the poor bastard.
- Sweater vests are cool! Don't argue!
- At some point, his butt will fall off. It's not pretty but just deal with it.
- He is totally scoping out that hot chick at the bar. Even though he needs bi-focals to do it.
#BrokenNews "Gov't Sources Finger Pyongyang" If you've ever had your Pyongyang fingered...whoa!
Meanwhile, threats of terrorist retaliation has led to Sony to pull "The Interview" out of theaters after several chains said they wouldn't show it anyway. It's a move that's caused an outpouring of criticism of Sony's decision as giving in to terrorist threats. On one hand, I agree that Sony's pull back on releasing the movie is a display of weakness in the face of terrorism. But on the other hand, it is a fuckin' Seth Rogen film! Isn't there some other movie we can make a stand for in the face of tyranny and fear? Maybe that Penguins movie or Mockingjay?
|Ladies and gentlemen, Kim Jung Un and the Gay Men's Chorus of Pyongyang!|
#BrokenNews "Washington Gives Wall Street Another Holiday Gift" And Wall Street is so damn hard to shop for! I mean, what do you give financial behemoths who already have everything?
#BrokenNews "Professor Sees Eerie Downside To Elf On The Shelf" I too saw the elf's true sinister secret self. And it's not pretty as witnessed in this poem I wrote.
The elf on the shelf sits above us
He smiles but does not love us
He plots to kill us each night
His evil plans are cause for fright...
The elf on the shelf has a sharp knife
He wants to carve out your life
So be good or bad if you will
The elf on the shelf is out to kill
Good night, everybody! And MERRY CHRISTMAS!
|"Hey, elf! I was wonderin', ah, has anyone|
ever, you know, fingered your Pyongyang?"
bROkEN nEWs has been brought to you by.....
Performed with sock puppets!
Now here's Sen. Ted Cruz!
"bROkEN nEWs is a....a...."
"I know, I know! Broken News is a production of Dave-El Inc.
and I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You...En....En..."
Yes, entertainment. Give me a minute, will ya? Anyway Dave-El and...
...and that...other thing...are solely responsible..."
"What? I'm pretty sure the word should be 'responsible'."
<saying 'irresponsible' is funny>
"Funny? I don't get it."
<I think we're done here>
"Great! Uh, I was promised pudding?"
Well, we have covered a lot of ground here today so I'm sure something in today's bROkEN nEWs offended somebody somewhere. Well, we take these complaints seriously so we direct you to the bROkEN nEWs Complaint Desk.
|"Hey, just move it along, pal! We don't|
want no funny business, ya see?"
Gals, gals and other readers of indeterminate gender, this has been the last ALL NEW installment of bROkEN nEWs. There will be a final post next Friday under the bROkEN nEWs banner as I wax nostalgic for this 20 month long escapade into silliness.
Kudos to I-Blurb News Satire and Moms Read Comics for linking to previous editions of bROkEN nEWs. Also thanks to Twitter followers such as Brian Jackson and Karen Miller who actually on occasion read this thing.
It's back to a DOUBLE SHOT of Doctor Who Weekend!
Saturday: the epic conclusion of my fan fiction, The Son of the Master. The secret of the "Head In a Jar" Master is finally revealed! For realsies!
Sunday: Another fan fiction, this time as a proper prose short story as the Doctor celebrates the Yuletide season when he tells the tale of "How Strax Saved Christmas".
OK, I guess I've stalled this long enough. Bring out the grumpy cat!
Thank you! And be good to one another.
I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You