Friday, December 5, 2014

Broken News (ALL NEW!) for Friday, December 5th, 2014

Hi there! Dave-El here and this is I'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You, the blog that runs on the power of love. Or it runs on a hamster wheel. Well, it's one or the other. 

I've been off the blog for a few days but when it's Friday, I must return to deliver the internet's leading source of gonorrhea news satire, bROkEN nEWs

bROkEN nEWs is back after a break last week with ALL NEW stuff but still it remains only PARTIALLY funny.  

And maybe not even so much as partially because sometimes its hard to look at the news and to make fun of it, not just because it's news about tragedy but also because something in the world gets pushed so far past the limits of absurdity, one wonders, "How do I make fun of this? It's already patently absurd." 

The story started with the death of another unarmed black man, Eric Gardner, at the hands of police. Except in this case, "the hands of police" was more literal than metaphorical. NYPD Officer  Daniel Pantaleo got Eric Gardner in a chokehold. "I can't breathe," became Eric Gardner's last words before he died in that chokehold. 


By the way, the crime that Eric Gardner died for? Selling cigarettes illegally, that is without state mandated taxes. And he was selling them 1 cigarette at a time. 

OK, I'm not sure about the effectiveness of that business model but how did Gardner come to die because of it? 

Unlike in Ferguson where the shooting death of Michael Brown by officer Darrell Wilson was tangled up in conflicting eye witness accounts, there was no such confusion here. 

The act was recorded for everyone to see. 

So the case goes to a grand jury to decide if an indictment was called for against Officer Pantaleo. Everyone who was disappointed over the previous grand jury decision to not indict Officer Wilson thought for sure there would be a different outcome this time. The act is on video. We can see Pantaleo take Gardner down. There are considered opinions on the subject.

"Judge Calls Garner's Death 'Criminally Negligent Homicide'"

Surely a grand jury would have to decide--

"Grand Jury Declines To Indict NYPD Officer In Chokehold Death Of Eric Garner"

--to not indict Officer Pantaleo? 

What the fuck?!?! 

There was an immediate outcry of disbelief and rage against this decision. 

"Dems: A Miscarriage Of Justice

Of course people were upset by this. Never mind if Officer Pantaleo is guilty of a crime or not. He's not even going to be tried.  Now, you might imagine political conservatives were saying that this was victory for law and order, for---

"Conservatives Join Outrage Over Eric Garner Decision

Shit! Really! This is how fucked up this is. The divide between liberals and conservatives is fairly toxic these days to put it mildly but on this, they are united. You have to really have your head up your own ass to not see that at the very least, Pantaleo's role in the death of Eric Gardner needed to be decided in a court of law. 

So today is when I post bROkEN nEWs but this is too absurd! How can I make fun of this when it's so far past the pale? And it's not just me, either. 

"'I Honestly Don't Know What To Say'

That headline is a quote from Jon Stewart of The Daily Show.  Jon Freakin' Stewart is left speechless by this travesty. 

Wait a minute....

"A Grand Jury Did Indict One Person Involved In Eric Garner's Killing: The Man Who Filmed It" Why? Because the camera work was too shaky? What the hell, people! 

You know, what I need right now in this trying time is for a dumbass politician to spout some stupid shit like....

"Peter King Says Eric Garner Would Not Have Died From Chokehold Were He Not Obese"

Oh, bless you, Peter King! Bless you and your uncanny ability to always say the wrong thing at the wrong time! 

bROkEN nEWs is up in 5...





#BrokenNews  "Why Obama Has An Uneasy Relationship With The Pentagon" Could it be because there's a black man on one side and a heavily armed organization on the other? 

#BrokenNews  "Ferguson Demonstrators To March 120 Miles To Missouri State Capital" Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, I am upset over the lack of equitable application of civil liberties as a result of the color of one's skin but  a 120 mile march? Can I take a bus? Maybe do something online?

#BrokenNews  "Sheriff Defends Stopping Black Man For Walking With Hands In His Pockets" Well, he may not have had a license for those hands! 

In the next Star Wars movie, a young
stormtrooper is on the run from a ruthless
Jedi known as Darth Police. 

#BrokenNews  "Activists: Turkey Now 'Openly Cooperating' With Islamic State" Oh, yeah they were holding hands, sharing a fig smoothie and gettin' it on with all the PDA.

#BrokenNews  "American Hostage Of Al Qaeda Says U.S. Made Him Pay For Flight Home" But he got complimentary peanuts so there's that.

#BrokenNews "Southern Democrats Urge A Return To Party Basics" Say what you will about the man but racist politics worked for Strom Thurmond and they can work for the Dems again.

"Guys? Hey, guys! You're facing the
wrong way for the group photo! Guys?"

#BrokenNews "Obama's Policy On ISIS And Syria Set To Implode" It's really not that dramatic. It's more like...

You know how you're trying to put up wallpaper and the wallpaper keeps peeling back off and it doesn't matter how much sticky stuff you see, the paper just won't stay up there, it keeps peeling back off until finally you wind up duct taping the shit into place which looks like a hell of a bad job of wallpapering but fuck this, at least it's up there so you leave and then the wallpaper falls down anyway?

It's like that.


#BrokenNews "Gunman Fires More Than 100 Rounds At Buildings In Downtown Austin" Which was condemned by the NRA as a terrible waste of perfectly good bullets when there are so many people around. 

#BrokenNews "Christie Vetoes Pig Bill In Controversial Move" The New Jersey governor is all, "Fuck pigs! They can't vote!"

Couldn't keep the wrapper on his
Jell-O Pudding Pop.

#BrokenNews  "Black Friday Shoppers Brawl Over Barbies, TVs, Bargains"

So this is SO last week but I wanted to share this bit, OK? OK! 

Charlie Brown: Can anyone tell me what Black Friday is all about?"

Linus: I can, Charlie Brown.


Linus continues: There were merchants at the mall, keeping watch over their spread sheets, hoping to make a profit, when suddenly an angel of marketing appeared before them and merchants were all like, "What's this?" And the angel of marketing spoke to them and said, "Heads up, I've got this great idea for getting a lot of people into the stores on the day after Thanksgiving. This will be the time that overstuffed with turkey and sick of being with their families, people are just dying to get out of the house. 

So you will offer stuff at ridiculously low prices. But not all the stuff and not a lot of stuff but just enough to get everyone in a frenzy and pounding on your doors to buy stuff!" 

And then there was a multitude of angels of the Chamber of Commerce singing, "Glory be to holiday savings and to everyone, buy stuff and buy stuff again.


Linus: That, Charlie Brown, is what Black Friday is all about.

Linus walks away. 

Charlie Brown: "That's no fucking help, Linus!" 

(Sniff!) Sorry, the Charlie Brown Black Friday Special always brings a tear to my eye. Here are some more headlines while I collect myself.

#BrokenNews "'Very Special' Stone Age Axe Discovered" It had a GPS app for locating mastodons!

#BrokenNews "Busta Rhymes Fell Off Stage During A Surprise Performance" Well, at least Busta was surprised.

Two Chinese police officers
are stunned and disappointed to realize
that, no, they cannot fly. Alas, they can
only point at the empty sky that mocks them.

#BrokenNews "North Korea Launches Bizarre Website In An Attempt To Encourage Tourism" North Korea's slogan: "You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave."  

I'm not sure the Eagles are getting any royalties for that. 

And click here for a previous bROkEN nEWs look at North Korean Tourism.  

#BrokenNews "Synagogue Fires Rabbi Accused Of Spying On Bathing Women" OK, that's not kosher.

#BrokenNews "Torture Report Will Not Use The Word 'Torture'" In fact, the report will not use ANY words; it will be delivered by mimes.  

#BrokenNews "Students Say Police Broke Their Bones During Protest At College" But words will never hurt them.  

President Obama launches "Operation: Fuck Y'all,
I'm Gonna Have Fun For a Damn Change!"

#BrokenNews  "Obama Meets With Hillary Clinton At The White House" She wanted to measure the windows for new drapes. 

#BrokenNews  "Obama Lights The National Christmas Tree" While Biden lights up a Christmas doobie. 

#BrokenNews  "Strange Galaxy Has Astronomers Scratching Their Heads" It's the Dandruff Galaxy!


OK, that's enough for this miscarriage of news and entertainment known as bROkEN nEWs

This was a bit of a weird installment what with all the serious stuff at the beginning. I'm sure something today's bROkEN nEWs has offended somebody. If you're one of those offended people, be sure to tell it to the bROkEN nEWs Complaint Desk.

Awwww! They are just TOO CUTE! I hope that makes you feel better. 

If you don't feel better, come in about a year and the bROkEN nEWs Complaint Desk will eat you. (SO CUTE!)  

You know what? Let's wrap with some Victoria's Secret models! 

Don't ask why. Just accept it. 


No blog post for Saturday but I'm back on Sunday with Doctor Who Weekend and part 3 of my fan fiction, The Son of the Master. Don't miss this installment. The Doctor eats a waffle! 

Yeah I know.


So you're wondering if you can go now? 

See y'all next time. Meanwhile, be good to one another. 


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